My best mate and I have our birthdays within a month of each other, and we started this year with our feet in the sand on a beach in Thailand, talking about what we wanted from 2020. (Cue mirthless laughter). Its a landmark year for both of us, as its the last year of our 30s I turn 40 in December.

Neither of us are particularly happy about the prospect our voices get high and squeaky when we discuss it but I decided that one way of softening the blow was to have a mad year of hedonism. It was going to be like a Say Yes Night, as seen in Grace and Frankie, where you say yes to everything, even to experience things you might normally be scared of or feel like you dont have time for.

People say things like be glad to be alive when you express unhappiness around a birthday, and while I get the wider philosophical message, it does diddly squat to mitigate the things you are afraid of around such a landmark one. For me, its the knowledge that we still live in a society that lionises youth. Because of gender inequalities, that tends to hit women harder, with greater value and worth placed on our looks. Exhibit A: literally any red carpet event where the men look like theyve just woken up from a nap and the women have clearly spent days on their look.

Admittedly, I didnt take turning 30 well either because landmark birthdays force an unwanted inventory of your life. What you achieved, and more crucially, what you didnt. Turning 40 is similar, but with the additional layer that some things may soon be out of reach, such as having children. I cant say that I definitively want them, or Im sad about it, but I know that when I turned 30, Im pretty sure it was a given that Id have kids by now. Do I mourn what didnt happen or the fact that it may never happen because of biological clocks and whatnot?

The year of hedonism was to overturn that narrative of being past it. To counter the sadness with a lot of fun. To actually be spontaneous for once without over-thinking it. I know that when the clock strikes midnight on my 40th birthday, my bones wont instantly shrivel and become decrepit, but I wanted to use it as an excuse to generate the courage to try the things I always wanted to.

I didnt really date much in my 38th year because I couldnt be bothered, but my 39th year was supposed to be about dating loads. It was about meeting lots of new people, and not putting it off for another year. Travel was also a big one. I was going to try and actually stay at a festival for the whole duration usually I run away after two days because of the lack of showers and garbage. I wanted to finally hire a car and drive around Italy, something I have always wanted to do but kept putting off because the driving on the wrong side of the road scared me. I wanted to do the trek to Mount Everests base camp because I felt it would make me feel strong and capable. Beyond travel, I also wanted to change my personal life by pushing myself out of my comfort zone and socialising with people I didnt know (something Im notorious for hating), and take the next step with newer friendships by going on holiday with them.

But above all, I wanted to live this year with a sense of bravery and limitlessness, because I wanted it to teach me the lesson that age really is just a number, and that I was still capable of having fun, and being fun too.

Coronavirus obviously put a stop to all of that, and while it isnt exactly the worst problem to have, there is a clear sense after three months in lockdown, that this isnt going to be the year I thought I would have. Although I had a tantrum at the lost time I wouldnt get back (yes, you can still have tantrums in your late 30s), that has distilled into a sense of sharpness and focus around what is important. For a start, I had Covid-19, and now that Im in the middle of a slow recovery, I know Im lucky that it wasnt worse. But also, the things that make us scared of turning 40 or any landmark year for that matter almost always come from things externally, rather than how we feel inside.

Internally, I feel amazing. I dont feel past it. I dont feel like Im even halfway done

My friend joked that she is going to start lying about her age, and I said actually, it is important that we dont. Forty feels so bad because we associate it with being ill or things going wrong, or we think we wont be able to do as much, or because we simply havent had the right role models. We think of when our parents turned 40 and maybe we dont want that for ourselves.

Internally, I feel amazing. I dont feel past it. I dont feel like Im even halfway done. Health problems can happen to you at any age, so turning 40 is just a chance to make sure you take care of yourself a bit better, not an inevitability that parts are going to fall off. Being visible and being okay with being 40 is really important to setting the example to others around you, and especially to our kids and nieces and nephews.

So if I didnt get to do my year of hedonism, thats perfectly alright. All turning 40 will do is to sharpen my focus around what it is that I really do want, rather than having to commit to some mid-life crisis bucket list. Life doesnt end or even begin at 40, it just continues, and hopefully for the better. And for now, thats actually all I need or want.

Link:

It was supposed to be a year of mad hedonism: how Im feeling about turning 40 after lockdown - iNews