Impossible to Love: The Reality of the Impossible Whopper – Forbes

Okay.I caved. I gave into the hype, the pumped-up curiosity, and the supposed alchemy behind this act of rooftop-heralded gustatory bravado.For the first time in probably half a decade I walked into a Burger King, ordered an Impossible Whopper, and ate the damned thing.

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 8: In this photo illustration, the new Impossible Whopper sits on a table on ... [+] August 8, 2019 in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. On Thursday, Burger King is launching its soy-based Impossible Whopper at locations nationwide. The meatless patties are produced by California tech startup Impossible Foods. A single Impossible Whopper sandwich costs $5.99. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

And the only thing I find impossible is why the hell I would ever eat another one.

No, its not a lie.Does the Impossible tastes just like a Whopper?You bet it does.Its just as bland, flat and dry-mouth inducing as the real thing.And if this is your standard for satisfying dining, knock yourself out. Buy two.Obviously, Im not a fan of fast food; first of all, I dont believe in eating fast, on the run, or using plastic silverware, but what really bugs me is the unshakeable belief that fast foods surreptitious goal is seducing you into picking up a salt shaker and eventually devouring soda by the mini-bucket.

Wheres the hosanna in recreating mediocrity?If you think youre eating healthier, youre nuts.Theres no reason to waste time here in supplying the chemical breakdown and production on an Impossible Burger because its composition is easily available online.It offers nearly the same nutritional value and calories as the main attraction.Its cheap and you get what you pay for.

But, cmon, who chows down on a hamburger because its healthy?However, a truly great burger glorious sensual indulgence, and when theyre glistening with the perfect chopped blends of Pat Le Freida chuck and sirloin, or Wagyu beef, short ribs, bloody jeweled bursts from Black Angus beef, surrounded by brioche buns, jalapeo jam, stout mustard, sherry vinegar-soaked pickles, the sensation is some of the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

25 degrees closeup of small wagyu hamburger and fried onions, over wood board, including pickle and ... [+] mustard

A great burger is epic unapologetic hedonism, like two pieces of Schaffenbergers That Chocolate Cake, or a Cher concert.You can sense it even before you experience it and the fulfillment of that anticipation is everything that makes life at first bite perfect.

The Impossible Burger is a stunt, except only the publicity is juicy.Worse still, its origins are rooted in foolhardy hypocrisy.Years ago, due to a serious medical condition, I was required to follow a macrobiotic diet for nearly two years, a process that manifested a rack of cookbooks, each determined to do its damnedest to make tofu and seitan take like chicken steak, turkey, or bacon.Not one recipe succeeded to pull off the ruse.The point was, why bother to induce such a scam?Seitan doesnt look, feel, handle or cook like steak. It looks like shaved elbow patches.In fact, it was easier to deal with it when you just realized exactly what it was.

Close-up of roasted cauliflower steaks with herbs and spices on baking sheet , top view

And yet, we are still perpetuating this kind of three-card monte cuisine, like demonizing potatoes and pretending mash cauliflower is just as delicious, or, calling it steak on a menu when its sliced thick and broiled, or diet plans that pretend you cant tell cauliflower flour from real pizza dough.Try that one out at New Yorks San Gennaro festival and youll get pelted with old zeppoles.

Elevating the Impossible Burger to its current level of admiration comes close to the ultimate perverse switcheroo, which was fashions one-time obsession with creating amazingly lifelike dead fake fur.Not fun fur, the stuff that is obviously not trying to imitate a slain skin but is just soft, silly, cuddly and all over the Burlington Coat Factory and Target.No, I mean the lengths to which certain designers, whose life-long veganism I was happy to be respected and laud, to create a four-figure-priced product that is a near-perfect approximation of a garment whose aesthetic is derived by a process they find brutal and repellent.All that skill and effort to duplicitously imitate what you ethically and morally despise. If you hate fur, banish it from your life.

And if you want to avoid meat, then just dont eat it.There are now so many chain restaurants nationwide, such as Sweetgreen, Panera, Pret-a-Manger, Noodles & Co, Tender Greens, each serving nourishing, flavorful sustainable food that isnt trying to be anything than what it says on the swipe-able bar code.

You want to know an Impossible Burger?Fine.I promise you wont be able to tell the difference.How comforting to know that there is such consistency in mediocracy.Just remember to buy a really big Coke.Youll need it to wash it down.

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Impossible to Love: The Reality of the Impossible Whopper - Forbes

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