The wigs in my wardrobe stand poised, like ballerinas backstage, curled on their mannequin heads.
Since New Yorks shutdown began in mid-March, I have not needed that armor, and the multiple roles they represent: the straight dark one is serious journalist; the wavy long one, Upper East Side rebbetzin. In normal times, these varied shades of human hair served as an announcement to the world: I am Orthodox, I am married, and I have stepped outside my house.
But in this pandemic, my wigs lay dormant. Instead, I have secretly enjoyed the cotton head scarves that let my mind breathe. I have also enjoyed the quiet of Shabbos at home an anomaly for our rabbinic family, where the Sabbath is the busiest day of the week. Ive grown to embrace the home, the private, over public spaces over my sheitel-wearing self.
The shift was much more painful for my rabbi-husband, and many other men in our lives, who are used to attending daily minyan. Their separation from shul was tearful, and it was indeed heart-breaking to see those darkened sanctuaries, those lonely Torah scrolls in the shuttered arks.
But for me, it was really quite simple to advocate for closing shul as part of flattening the coronavirus curve, because my spirituality long ago disconnected from those sanctuaries. I realize, now, that I had already gone through that painful separation from organized prayer, communal spirituality it happened when I became a mother.
The synagogue is no place for babies
In school, when they taught us girls about the different gender roles in what we called Torah Judaism, they would explain that men have more religious responsibilities because they need more of that structure, more of that spiritual work. That we women were naturally closer to God. Do you want to have to go to minyan three times a day? our rebbes would say with a laugh. Surely not! What a burden that would be! How lucky you are! Stay home.
I laughed along. Indeed, it was nice not to be beholden to the schedule of a synagogue, to determine my own prayer times wherever I was, I thought then.
But when I had my first child four years ago, my Yiddishkeit changed drastically. Actually, it seemed to drown somewhere in formula, piles of laundry, soggy Cheerios while my husband was religiously obligated to continue going to minyan three times a day.
How I wished to have an excuse to get out of the house, to escape the kitchen, to have the silence of the amidah, the soft swaying of others around me! How I yearned for social interaction with other adults, offline, outside mom-group chats and Shabbos menus. How I missed being that young woman at Kabbalas Shabbos whisper-praying in the mostly-empty womens section, the sky turning lavender behind the synagogue windows, the community members embracing one another, wishing each other a Gut Shabbes, exchanging jokes and news.
But my new reality had little room for synagogue. I did not want to leave my kids home with a babysitter on Shabbos, when I was already out of the house most of the week. If I did make it into the sanctuary, usually after a few kind preteens offered to watch my children while I sped through my prayers up on the high balcony, it was hard to focus.
Yes, I had prayed hard for children, and I am deeply grateful for these blessings, for their little hands and high-pitched voices and round cheeks. But no one prepared me for the reality that as they expanded my world, a part of me would also be lost.
How many times had I read in religious womens books rosy descriptions of frum motherhood, equating a womans domestic work (cooking, taking care of the house and children) as that of a priest in the Temple. You are all building your small temples! They cried. How fortunate you are! Before motherhood, I had found these notions romantic; afterwards, I chafed at them.
The home is the center of Judaism! Not the shul! I remind myself as I cook for Shabbos, every week, a mantra of sorts.
It took the coronavirus for me to realize the minuscule place that communal prayer takes up in my life now and how sad that is.
Post-pandemic, can shul be more welcoming?
Shortly before the pandemic, I found myself in the New Jersey town where I grew up for Shabbos. I needed a break from Manhattan, so I took the train with two little ones in tow and slept in my childhood bedroom and ate my mothers food. And thanks to my little sister, who took the kids I went back to my childhood shul.
I sat in the back, and could feel my youths prayers wash over me, as if I was sitting behind my younger self, head uncovered. I yearned for my girlish self, for whom synagogue played such a formative role.
What has been interesting about these months of quarantine is that they have thrown Orthodox men into traditionally Orthodox female experiences of Judaism, too. Of course many Orthodox mothers do go to shul, but it is generally not a priority. For many, its logistically difficult finding childcare, or a small or uncomfortable womens section, or nowhere to breastfeed a child. For some, its also ideologically uncomfortable, to feel that one is a spectator and not a participant. For many, they are just conditioned that way I have to get this Shabbos meal ready, set the table, theres just too much to do at home, shul isnt my thing.
But over these past few months, everything shifted. The public the minyan, the donning of the sheitel disappeared; it became all about the private, the prayer facing the living room wall, the soft headscarf. Suddenly, husbands and fathers were thrust into womens work including spiritual labor, that structureless service of God that is much harder than checking off your list that you attended minyan and night Torah classes, too.
As synagogues start to reopen my husband is leading services on weekday mornings, with strict distancing protocols and as we take our wigs out of our wardrobes, as we step back into life in a quasi-public sphere I pray that these months at home will have made more community members empathetic to the realities of many of the women in their lives, who often shoulder the bulk of domestic labor.
I hope they will now empathize with that vertigo that comes with being unmoored from regular Torah study, from the rhythm of communal prayer.
I hope that more religious men will now understand the angst of that mother sitting on the floor on Shabbos morning, building yet another MagnaTiles tower while pining for her once-beloved seat in shul and secretly resenting herself for not accepting this with a soft smile as her spiritual duty.
I hope Orthodox communities will be able to make space for the mothers in their midst, to prioritize womens participation and voices in the public squares of Judaism, too by offering childcare during popular prayer times, by securing an eruv that allows families to walk to shul with diaper bags and strollers, by ensuring that the womens section is reliable, accessible and comfortable.
If we dont we risk keeping our women in a perpetual, domestic quarantine.
Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt is the life editor at the Forward. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.
Go here to read the rest:
As shul reopens, can we make it more welcoming to Orthodox women? - Forward
- A Clockwork Greenshirt Introducing the Alt Left ... - February 6th, 2018 [February 6th, 2018]
- Jordan Towers 70news - March 7th, 2018 [March 7th, 2018]
- Robert Stark Talks to Ashley Messinger About ... - altleft.com - March 18th, 2018 [March 18th, 2018]
- KNOPPIX 8.1.0 - Linux Live System - March 19th, 2018 [March 19th, 2018]
- Protesters Try to Shut Down Jordan Peterson at Queen's ... - April 27th, 2018 [April 27th, 2018]
- KNOPPIX 8.0.0 - Linux Live System - May 25th, 2018 [May 25th, 2018]
- John McCain: Dying Without Dignity - committedconservative.com - June 10th, 2018 [June 10th, 2018]
- What is the Alt Left? - American Greatness - June 29th, 2018 [June 29th, 2018]
- event object JavaScript - Dottoro - July 28th, 2018 [July 28th, 2018]
- Virginia Election Predictions: Will Weather Rain on ... - August 24th, 2018 [August 24th, 2018]
- Alt-Left Melts Down Over "Unmasking Antifa" Act | Zero Hedge - December 19th, 2018 [December 19th, 2018]
- KNOPPIX 7.4.2 / ADRIANE 1.7 - Live CD / DVD - December 19th, 2018 [December 19th, 2018]
- Jacobs Email - IT - Teamwork at Jacobs University - January 4th, 2019 [January 4th, 2019]
- KNOPPIX 7.7.1 - Linux Live System - January 4th, 2019 [January 4th, 2019]
- KNOPPIX 8.1.0 - Linux Live System - knopper.net - March 5th, 2019 [March 5th, 2019]
- The Politically Incorrect Australian - April 22nd, 2019 [April 22nd, 2019]
- Lionel Nation - YouTube - April 22nd, 2019 [April 22nd, 2019]
- Andrew Yang Rejects Support From White Nationalists ... - May 1st, 2019 [May 1st, 2019]
- AltLeft.com "The Left of the AltRight" - May 2nd, 2019 [May 2nd, 2019]
- Automate the Boring Stuff with Python - June 3rd, 2019 [June 3rd, 2019]
- UI Events KeyboardEvent code Values - World Wide Web ... - June 3rd, 2019 [June 3rd, 2019]
- Dont like the facts? Just Schiff the narrative - Boston Herald - October 1st, 2019 [October 1st, 2019]
- Netflix vows crackdown on users who share logins with pals or family and could make you pay EXTRA - The Sun - October 24th, 2019 [October 24th, 2019]
- Everything Paradox Interactive Announced At PDXCON 2019 - Kotaku Australia - October 24th, 2019 [October 24th, 2019]
- The psychology and physiology of propaganda: A study of the radicalization of women - University of Virginia The Cavalier Daily - January 30th, 2020 [January 30th, 2020]
- One of the Vail Valley's fur-baby favorites, Dr. Julie Alt, is calling it a career - Vail Daily News - January 30th, 2020 [January 30th, 2020]
- Netflix FINALLY lets you turn those annoying autoplaying trailers off heres how - The Sun - February 12th, 2020 [February 12th, 2020]
- Netflix FORCED to remove nine movies after government objections including boozy Jesus party film - The Sun - February 12th, 2020 [February 12th, 2020]
- Netflix trialling 2.99 cheapest ever plan but it only works on smartphones or tablets - The Sun - February 12th, 2020 [February 12th, 2020]
- Netflix offers first-ever FREE movie that you dont need account to watch - The Sun - February 12th, 2020 [February 12th, 2020]
- The Death Throes of the Failed Sandernista Revolution - Real Context News - March 16th, 2020 [March 16th, 2020]
- Life under lockdown: Italy is being consumed by panic - Spectator.co.uk - March 16th, 2020 [March 16th, 2020]
- Netflix is testing cheap new mobile-only plan that costs just 2.40 a month - The Sun - March 16th, 2020 [March 16th, 2020]
- Howie Carr: Its time to wake up sleepy Joe Biden - Boston Herald - March 16th, 2020 [March 16th, 2020]
- Living in an Italy consumed by fear - The Spectator USA - March 27th, 2020 [March 27th, 2020]
- Hungarian Press Roundup: Weeklies on the State of Emergency - Hungary Today - March 27th, 2020 [March 27th, 2020]
- Essential Mac keyboard shortcuts and key combinations - Macworld UK - May 3rd, 2020 [May 3rd, 2020]
- AltLeft Shuts Down Toronto Comedy Show Over Words 'Free ... - May 3rd, 2020 [May 3rd, 2020]
- COVID-19 UPDATE: East Hampton Testing Site To Open May 15 - 27east.com - May 9th, 2020 [May 9th, 2020]
- Conservative Jews: Do you care about Israel? Then vote Trump out - Forward - June 21st, 2020 [June 21st, 2020]
- End the Civil War Before It Starts: Vote Engel and Schleifer - The Jewish Press - JewishPress.com - June 22nd, 2020 [June 22nd, 2020]
- The Rising Blood Tide of The Alt-Left & the Real Threat of Antifa - AmmoLand Shooting Sports News - July 12th, 2020 [July 12th, 2020]
- The Shot Heard Roundand Round and Roundthe World - The Dispatch - July 12th, 2020 [July 12th, 2020]
- Netflix launches shuffle button that plays a random show for viewers who dont know what to watch - The Sun - July 23rd, 2020 [July 23rd, 2020]
- Why the Alt-Left Is a Problem, Too | Vanity Fair - July 23rd, 2020 [July 23rd, 2020]
- What Is Alt-Left? Here's What You Really Need to Know - July 23rd, 2020 [July 23rd, 2020]
- What Is the 'Alt-Left'? For Starters, Not a Thing | WIRED - July 23rd, 2020 [July 23rd, 2020]
- Howie Carr: Alt-left media still cling to their Big (Russia) Lie - Boston Herald - July 28th, 2020 [July 28th, 2020]
- McCarthyite witch-hunt over alleged anti-Semitism explodes in British Labour Party - WSWS - August 3rd, 2020 [August 3rd, 2020]
- Antifa Berkeley: Why the 'Alt-Left' Is a Problem | Time - August 7th, 2020 [August 7th, 2020]
- Alt-Right, Alt-Left, Antifa: A Glossary of Extremist ... - August 7th, 2020 [August 7th, 2020]
- What is the "alt-left" Trump was talking about? - CBS News - August 7th, 2020 [August 7th, 2020]
- Is There an 'Alt-Left'? - Snopes.com - August 7th, 2020 [August 7th, 2020]
- Say Goodbye to IITs, IIMs Et Al? NEP 2020 Will Convert Indias Top Institutions Into JNU Copies - Swarajya - August 10th, 2020 [August 10th, 2020]
- Checking In With the Newsletter Economy - New York Magazine - September 2nd, 2020 [September 2nd, 2020]
- Resident Evil survival horror TV series is coming to Netflix and fans think its the next Stranger Things - The Sun - September 2nd, 2020 [September 2nd, 2020]
- With Republicans like these, who needs Ds? - The Highland County Press - September 2nd, 2020 [September 2nd, 2020]
- Here's Why You Should Never Use the Term "Alt-Left" - POPSUGAR - September 8th, 2020 [September 8th, 2020]
- [OPINION] Law and order president? The chaos and violence Trump wants you to be fearful and hateful of is happening now under his watch - Asian... - September 8th, 2020 [September 8th, 2020]
- Hungarian Press Roundup: No Compromise in Sight over Theatre and Film University - Hungary Today - September 8th, 2020 [September 8th, 2020]
- Slow Joe Biden is a few fries short of a Happy Meal: Howie Carr - Boston Herald - September 8th, 2020 [September 8th, 2020]
- Netflix launches its first TV channel that streams shows just like regular telly - The Sun - November 13th, 2020 [November 13th, 2020]
- Bellingcat's Eliot Higgins on messaging Alexei Navalny to say 'we know who tried to kill you' - iNews - February 4th, 2021 [February 4th, 2021]
- Hungarian Press Roundup: Two Opposing Views on the Culture War - Hungary Today - February 7th, 2021 [February 7th, 2021]
- Getting Started with Python PyAutoGUI - November 29th, 2021 [November 29th, 2021]
- Sample Macros - Jitbit - November 29th, 2021 [November 29th, 2021]
- Mario Draghis fall and the death of Italian left-wing populism - The Spectator - July 27th, 2022 [July 27th, 2022]
- I tracked down my Corbynite troll and now he's in prison - The Telegraph - July 27th, 2022 [July 27th, 2022]
- Helping Ukraine Not Provoking Russia But a Proper Response to Years of Global Russian Aggression - smallwarsjournal - July 27th, 2022 [July 27th, 2022]
- US Gov to Crack Down on "Bossware" That Spies On Employees' Computers - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Chinese Spaceplane Releases Mystery Object Into Orbit - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Hackers Just Took Down One of the World's Most Advanced Telescopes - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- AOC Says Her Twitter Account Broke After She Made Fun of Elon Musk - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Huge Drone Swarm to Form Giant Advertisement Over NYC Skyline - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- That "Research" About How Smartphones Are Causing Deformed Human Bodies Is SEO Spam, You Idiots - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Jeff Bezos' Housekeeper Says She Had to Climb Out the Window to Use the Bathroom - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Twitter Working on Plan to Charge Users to Watch Videos - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Scientists Use Actual Lunar Soil Sample to Create Rocket Fuel - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- NASA Sets Launch Date for Mission to $10 Quintillion Asteroid - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]
- Elon Musk Meeting With Advertisers, Begging Them Not to Leave Twitter - November 4th, 2022 [November 4th, 2022]