Google thought it might be a fun idea to let the world know the top ten things people in different countries have searched for over the past year. Well, it wasnt. It was a terrible idea. It might be fine for countries that have citizens who spend their days searching for truth, happiness and the meaning of life, but for a country like ours, its just downright embarrassing.
South Africas top trending question of 2019 was, Why were cornflakes invented? Look, I think its healthy that people ask questions. Dont take anything for granted. Keep asking until you get answers. But cornflakes above what happens when you die? Or is there a god? Or why cant you get a decent bunny chow in Cape Town?
Why were cornflakes invented? doesnt strike me as a question that a mentally sound adult would ask the global hive mind. Please let it not be. I can only imagine that every ten-year-old with a smartphone has googled this question at least once. If I had had a magical device that answered everything at that age, I might have also wanted to know why my mother was feeding me cornflakes for breakfast rather than, say, a plate of chips covered in bacon and cheese and why it was even necessary to invent this abominable cereal killer.
A lot of children in our country are lucky to get a pebble to suck on in the morning and they wouldnt have been among those asking this ridiculous question. Anyway, a pebble is probably healthier. Glyphosate, the active ingredient in Monsantos yummy weedkiller Roundup, has been found in corn-based products made by Kelloggs and other companies. Sugar disguises the taste of the cancer, but still. Perhaps it is understandable why so many people wanted to know why this crunchy poison was invented. I dont know what the answer is and Im not going to google it because then Ill be just like the rest of you and, quite frankly, Id sooner eat cornflakes.
Third on the list was, How many votes for a seat in parliament? This was googled multiple times with increasing frequency by Kanthan Pillay in May this year. The question is unlikely to trend again until the next general election.
Number 4 on the list was, How did Cameron Boyce die? I would have imagined that #5 would have been, Who is Cameron Boyce? But no. It was, How long is a rugby match? Guys, you might think your women are quite happy playing with their phones while you watch the game, but theyre trying to find out if they have enough time to slip out for a quickie with Dave who doesnt have a telly. Please dont google Who the fuck is Dave?
Question 9 was, What is media? I presume this was asked by people who live in caves and have never seen a newspaper or any kind of electronic device. Id like to meet them some day. If youre one of them and you are reading this, send a smoke signal. Ill be along shortly with a bottle of tequila. And maybe a shotgun.
Coming in at #10 is this gem. What is teenage pregnancy? Quite frankly, I dont know how all these people managed to type this into Google given the amount of drool that must have been dripping onto their device.
Bumping cornflakes into second spot, the top search of the entire decade was, How to make slime. I thought it would be obvious. Chop politicians up and feed the bits into a blender.
Countless South Africans also wanted to know How to lose weight in 3 days. My lifestyle is predicated upon leaving things until the last minute, but this is on another level altogether. Who looks in the mirror on a Tuesday and realises that terrible things will happen if they dont lose 30kg by Friday?
Our troglodytes who struggle to grasp concepts like media and teenage pregnancies also wanted to know How to grow hair fast? and How to draw eyebrows. Making me slightly less ashamed to be South African, the 5th most asked question of the decade was, Where am I? Its a question that frequently crosses my mind, but never to an extent that I have thought to google it. Perhaps I have never been drunk enough. No, thats not it.
Topping the trending searches list for not only the year but also the decade is load shedding. No surprises there, then. It used to be that people were curious to know more about this fresh hell lurching into their lives. Now we know. And yet, we dont. Schrodingers power station.
Thanos, too, features on both lists. Derived from Thanatos, the personification of death and immortality. South Africans are not complete morons after all. They want to know about Greek mythology. No, wait. This Thanos is a comic-book anti-hero. Sigh.
Coming in at #9 for the decade is Teachers Day, presumably searched by teachers under the impression that this is the one day of the year when they are legally entitled to come to work drunk and engage in sex-for-marks orgies with teenage girls who havent yet got around to googling what pregnancy means.
Its hard to believe that nothing related to genitalia made it into the top ten searches. Its just not possible. Not for South Africans. We are endlessly fascinated with our and other peoples bits. I imagine if youre not very bright and you eventually manage to find out what teenage pregnancy means, you will sooner or later stumble upon PornHub and go blind in a relatively short space of time. This can only be a good thing.
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See the rest here:
Our top Google searches of the decade were just plain embarrassing - Citizen
- Real Vampires, Immortality, Gothic, Pagan, Eternal Life ... - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- Semi-Immortality - Superpower Wiki - Wikia - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- Crown of Immortality - Wikipedia - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- Amrita - Wikipedia - January 5th, 2017 [January 5th, 2017]
- 'Rick And Morty' Theory: Did Rick Gift Morty With Immortality ... - moviepilot.com - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Brian Dawkins: One day away from pro football immortality - Inside the Iggles - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Is Brain Augmentation Leading The Way To Immortality? - Wall Street Pit - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Jeff Jacobs: Near NFL Immortality, Tom Brady Shows Human Side - Hartford Courant - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- 3 former Cowboys ready to fight for immortality in Super Bowl LI - Cowboys Wire - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Diet Culture Exists to Fight Off the Fear of Death - The Atlantic - The Atlantic - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- The best evah? Not everybody at parade rated this year's comeback number one - The Boston Globe - February 8th, 2017 [February 8th, 2017]
- Why Immortality Is Overrated - NPR - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Immortality of written words - University of Virginia The Cavalier Daily - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Baidu-backer Singaporean Finian Tan bets on the next big thing ... - DEALSTREETASIA - February 10th, 2017 [February 10th, 2017]
- Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Comes Home and Malcolm Achieves Immortality - TVOvermind - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Immortality | The Institute for Creation Research - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Immortality | Dragon Ball Wiki | Fandom powered by Wikia - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Immortality (Celine Dion song) - Wikipedia - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Quotes About Immortality (489 quotes) - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Reality Of Immortality: Oregon State Is Five Games Away From ... - Building the Dam - February 14th, 2017 [February 14th, 2017]
- New Yorker seeks pinball immortality - Fox5NY - February 17th, 2017 [February 17th, 2017]
- McGraw One Step From Hoop Immortality :: Notre Dame Women's ... - Notre Dame Official Athletic Site - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- Blind love and immortality haunt 'The Invention of Morel' | Chicago ... - Chicago Sun-Times - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- Aussies should prep for immortality, as life expectancy rises - Techly - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Johnson chasing 8th title, racing immortality - La Crosse Tribune - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Technology, immortality and pensions - The Times (subscription) - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Fighting McGregor Just Another Easy Step to Immortality for Mayweather - The Sweet Science - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Faces of Russia: Mila Arutyunyan on Immortality - Argophilia Travel News - February 27th, 2017 [February 27th, 2017]
- Frank Mason becomes a part of KU basketball immortality - Wichita Eagle (blog) - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Living Immortality, Russian Economy in 2017, How Big Is Russia's Inequality Gap, and the Kremlin's Risky Plans - Institute of Modern Russia - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- The mortal side of biological immortality - Kennebec Journal & Morning Sentinel - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Immortality | Harry Potter Wiki | Fandom powered by Wikia - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Georges St-Pierre Takes Aim at Immortality in Title Shot Against Michael Bisping - Bleacher Report - March 2nd, 2017 [March 2nd, 2017]
- Middletown's Bertoni is 4 wins away from 4 titles, state-wrestling immortality - Frederick News Post (subscription) - March 3rd, 2017 [March 3rd, 2017]
- Lecture 18 - The Badness of Death, Part III; Immortality ... - March 6th, 2017 [March 6th, 2017]
- Decoding death: Craig Venter's quest to uncover secret to immortality in our DNA - Genetic Literacy Project - March 9th, 2017 [March 9th, 2017]
- Atlassian aims for corporate immortality in the cloud - The Australian Financial Review - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- How two trades pushed Patrik Elias into Devils immortality | New ... - New York Post - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- The baseball immortality of Beaver County's James Madison Toy - Tribune-Review - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Why the Grand National is the holy grail and sporting immortality the prize - Telegraph.co.uk - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Diane Paulus sees immortality in 'Finding Neverland' - Orlando Sentinel - June 6th, 2017 [June 6th, 2017]
- AI experts: Prepare for a sad immortality - Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists - June 6th, 2017 [June 6th, 2017]
- The Ayatollah and his immortality - Tehran Times - June 6th, 2017 [June 6th, 2017]
- Public broadcasting's immortality defies reason - The Washington Post - Washington Post - June 6th, 2017 [June 6th, 2017]
- Golden State Is One Win Away From Immortality, And The Cavs Can't Do Anything About It - UPROXX - June 8th, 2017 [June 8th, 2017]
- Golden State Is One NBA Finals Victory From Immortality - The Federalist - June 10th, 2017 [June 10th, 2017]
- Nick Tavares: Reds' Scooter Gennett the latest to achieve baseball immortality - SouthCoastToday.com - June 11th, 2017 [June 11th, 2017]
- Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and Stanley Cup immortality - Yahoo Sports - June 12th, 2017 [June 12th, 2017]
- LIVE FOREVER? Julian Assange claims immortality is near by 'DIGITISING BRAINS' - Express.co.uk - June 16th, 2017 [June 16th, 2017]
- immortality at a price - TheRecord.com - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- Achieving immortality through good cinema - The Navhind Times - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- 'Immortality mushroom' discovered in mountains of western Turkey's anakkale - Daily Sabah - June 20th, 2017 [June 20th, 2017]
- FILMING IMMORTALITY: Independent filmmaker Tanya Fermin brings unreal life to Wilmington's film industry - encore Online - June 20th, 2017 [June 20th, 2017]
- Scientist Say Lack Of Funding Is Biggest Obstacle To Immortality - EconoTimes - June 21st, 2017 [June 21st, 2017]
- Hang in There: The 25-Year Wait for Immortality - June 21st, 2017 [June 21st, 2017]
- Lions v All Blacks: Furlong ready to take next step in bid for immortality - Belfast Telegraph - June 23rd, 2017 [June 23rd, 2017]
- Keanu Reeves Addresses Those Immortality Rumors (Video) - TheWrap - June 24th, 2017 [June 24th, 2017]
- Complete Immortality - TV Tropes - June 24th, 2017 [June 24th, 2017]
- Can The Harry Potter Fandom Survive A New Canon? - BuzzFeed News - June 30th, 2017 [June 30th, 2017]
- Why the super-rich are ploughing billions into the booming 'immortality industry' - Evening Standard - June 30th, 2017 [June 30th, 2017]
- Lions reaction: Sean O'Brien wants 'immortality' as Ferris says momentum could prove key to beating All Blacks - Belfast Telegraph - July 1st, 2017 [July 1st, 2017]
- Living to 125 and beyond: Scientists dispute there's a limit to - KMOV.com - KMOV.com - July 2nd, 2017 [July 2nd, 2017]
- Graham Simmons Takes Lions Hype To Barely Palatable Level During Sean O'Brien Interview - Balls.ie - July 3rd, 2017 [July 3rd, 2017]
- Achieving immortality through literature - The Navhind Times - July 3rd, 2017 [July 3rd, 2017]
- Immortality crowned best at Italian film festival - Tehran Times - Tehran Times - July 3rd, 2017 [July 3rd, 2017]
- Fancy a vitamin infusion? - EsquireMe - July 4th, 2017 [July 4th, 2017]
- British and Irish Lions 2017: Warren Gatland tells Lions to seize immortality after naming unchanged side for third ... - City A.M. - July 5th, 2017 [July 5th, 2017]
- Billionaires dream of immortality. The rest of us worry about healthcare - The Guardian - July 5th, 2017 [July 5th, 2017]
- Newgrange: Ireland's amazing feat of Stone Age engineering - CNN International - July 6th, 2017 [July 6th, 2017]
- Ronan O'Gara suggests how Sean O'Brien should have responded to immortality question - SportsJOE.ie - July 7th, 2017 [July 7th, 2017]
- The immortality of man - The Hindu - July 7th, 2017 [July 7th, 2017]
- Lions have what it takes to claim immortality against All Blacks - Irish Times - July 7th, 2017 [July 7th, 2017]
- 'Biggest game ever' for Lions as immortality beckons - Irish Times - July 8th, 2017 [July 8th, 2017]
- Reliving Edhi's journey to immortality | Pakistan | thenews.com.pk - The News International - July 8th, 2017 [July 8th, 2017]
- Conditional immortality - Sunbury Daily Item - July 8th, 2017 [July 8th, 2017]
- Maradona, the mafia and immortality: three decades on from Napoli's Holy Grail - The42 - July 10th, 2017 [July 10th, 2017]
- DARK NIGHTS: METAL #1 First Look - The Hints, Symbols, & 'Ocean of Possibilities' - Newsarama - July 11th, 2017 [July 11th, 2017]
- DARK NIGHTS: METAL 101: The Immortal Man & The Four Tribes - Newsarama - July 11th, 2017 [July 11th, 2017]
- Immortality Inducer - TV Tropes - July 12th, 2017 [July 12th, 2017]
- Letter to the Editor: Conditional immortality? - Sunbury Daily Item - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]