Although we had to wait until Tuesday to deliver, the Premier League long weekend has come to an end. As Hurricane Lorenzo peers over the horizon, our patented alternative match ratings are already getting wet and wild.

Here are our alternative match ratings for the weekend that was, because sometimes, numbers can't tell the full story.

Sometimes, when watching a football match, something will happen that tells a story far beyond the mere act of kicking a ball. Yesterday, when Arsenal visited Manchester United, one set piece represented the respective fall from grace for both sides. Arsenal had a free-kick around 35 yards out, peak David Luiz territory. There's no guarantee the ball would go anywhere near the goal, but everyone in the stadium knew the Brazilian would spank it.

Then, Granit Xhaka tried to play a disguised ball to Callum Chambers.

Only Granit Xhaka could think, for one, that he has the capability to spray a blind pass thirty yards. Also, only Granit Xhaka could think that Callum Chambers has the pace and wherewith-all to actually get to the ball. However, Granit Xhaka doesn't think, in any circumstance, so all of this should make sense. The free-kick tells a story of both sides in the midst of a deep malaise. The excitement beforehand, with a talismanic player over the dead ball, the moment of confusion as Xhaka's foot connects with the ball, a wide-eyed glare when you see Chambers scuttle after the ball, and the acceptance afterwards that Arsenal and Manchester United just aren't what they used to be.

From expectancy, to confusion, to hopelessness, and finally acceptance.

Rating - How the mighty have fallen

Frank Lampard's Chelsea finally got their first Premier League home win with a 2-0 win over Brighton and Hove Albion. The win also came alongside a first clean sheet of the season, which should do wonders for the confidence of Cesar Azpilicueta and Fikayo Tomori, the only two defenders that played against Brighton at the weekend.

It should be stressed, however, that Chelsea found themselves at times lucky to keep Brighton scoreless. Dan Burn's downward header somehow managed to hit the crossbar, and several times Albion broke beyond the midfield. Thankfully, for Chelsea, Fikayo Tomori is the fastest man alive. Tomori rashly went tight to Brighton's attackers on a few occasions, got subsequently spun, then ran back to easily dispossess the man.

Rating - False sense of defensive security

England have a knack of choosing goalkeepers who are dangerously over-confident as their national team's number one. Jordan Pickford picked up the Joe Hart manual, and the Everton goalkeeper has ran with it.

Conceding three goals against Manchester City isn't something to be ashamed about. However, having made a brilliant one-on-one save from Raheem Sterling, Pickford's head ballooned. Pickford was at fault for City's second goal, with Riyad Mahrez's shot fizzing past him having got his angles all wrong. Later in the game, the keeper nearly gifted Bernardo Silva a goal by rushing off his line. Pickford then let out a little laugh, but Gary Neville didn't see the funny side.

Rating - Third Chuckle Brother

There's nothing more to be said bar 'oh no'. Liverpool are going to win this title by winning every match, and we should all be extremely afraid. This is a tidal wave and we are powerless to stop it. Poor Dean Henderson had a nightmare, but it was always going to happen. Liverpool were always going to squeeze by Sheffield United, despite the Blades' best efforts. All we can do now is pretend we're pious and pray for salvation.

Rating - Oh No

Yes, Spurs may have beaten Southampton 2-1 at the weekend, but Mauricio Pochettino still has Troy Parrott-shaped questions that need answering. The Argentine felt the wrath of an Irish nation scorned during the week by starting Troy Parrott against Colchester United in the League Cup, only to substitute him on the hour-mark for Ireland's greatest enemy, Christian Eriksen. Spurs subsequently lost that tie, much to the delight of everyone with a harp passport.

Those three points against Southampton are hollow, Poch, and you know it. Ralph Hasenhuttl knows the importance of blooding his young Irish attacker in Premier League matches, perhaps you could take a leaf from his book.

Rating - Undeserved

Life is at its most simplistic when Matt Doherty arrives at the back post for Wolves. Without it, life is as barren as desserts without the rain. The marauding wing-back returned to form at the weekend, coming in at the right time to guide a Neto cross beyond Ben Foster to put Wolves 1-0 up.

The former Bohs man is an awful lot like both Ja Rule and Ashanti. He's not always there when you call, but he's always on time.

Rating - We share, something so rare, but who cares? You care, baby...

Dreadful, awful, appalling, horrific, horrifying, horrible, horrendous, atrocious, abominable, abhorrent, frightful, fearful, shocking, hideous, ghastly, grim, dire, hateful, unspeakable, gruesome, monstrous, sickening, heinous, vile and serious.

Grave, acute, desperate, grievous, distressing, lamentable, egregious, severe, excruciating, agonising, unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, insufferable, very bad, hopeless, poor, inadequate, inferior, unsatisfactory, laughable, substandard, crummy, pathetic, pitiful, useless, lousy, abysmal, duff, chronic, poxy, rubbish and pants.

Rating - every synonym for shite

This isn't a match rating so much as an ode to Andriy Yarmolenko. The Ukrainian just seems to wrap the whole of his left foot around the ball whenever he takes a shot. He's absolutely gorgeous.

Rating - I would die for you

In a surprisingly entertaining 2-2 draw between the second and third best sides to wear claret and blue in the Premier League this season, one man was moments from immortality. Former Aston Villa man Ashley Westwood saw his name in lights when he decided to lob Tom Heaton from the halfway line. The ball glided over the head of the former Burnley goalkeeper and caressed the back of the net.

Unfortunately for Westwood, the referee's whistle had already sounded, and rather than be received like a young David Beckham, he instead received a yellow card.

Rating - A fine line between goose and grandeur

We've started our alternative match ratings with a microcosmic look at a set piece, so let's do it one more time. For purely functional football, Roy Hodgson's Crystal Palace are a model side. There's nothing that showcases this brutally efficient manner than Luka Milivojevic's penalties.

The Serbian got notched another goal in Palace's 2-0 win at home to Norwich City, booting his penalty past Ralf Fahrmann.

Rating - Function over fashion

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Alternative Match Ratings From This Weekend's Premier League Action - Balls.ie