Since my early twenties, the question of motherhood and whether its for me is one I havent fully considered. Like most of the big decisions in my life, Ive avoided tackling it by shoving it to the bottom of my to-do list.

Ive just turned 34, which, according to some fertility experts, means I supposedly have only one year until my biological clock starts plummeting into an oblivion of dwindling eggs and eventually menopause.

My school education didnt really prepare girls for one of the biggest, life-defining decisions theyll make as a woman. Instead, we were taught how to avoid becoming pregnant, which I have to admit is a refreshing change from the days when women were taught our sole purpose was to be a housewife.

My knight in shining armour has come in the form of endless Tinder and Hinge dates

However, were still continually being sold the millennial dream of women being able to have it all a successful career, marriage and kids but the reality has left me feeling disillusioned. My knight in shining armour has come in the form of endless Tinder and Hinge dates, who are mostly not ready for commitment, or say they are, but then leave me on read or just vanish. Then the price of London living is hefty especially when youre doing it on your own, and dont have the high-flying salary to match.

Culturally, I feel like a British-Ghanaian spinster, as back in Ghana a woman is really expected to be married with kids by the age of 25 a complete juxtaposition from my life here. Despite all of my glittering achievements, my dear sweet grandmothers favourite topic to discuss with me on the phone is when are you going to have a baby? This is what she views as the real fulfillment of womanhood especially as she has had 12 children.

All this and more has left me riddled with anxiety about how I can even contemplate becoming a mother in this climate, and it seems Im not the only one who feels this way. Figures from the Office for National Statistics show women under 30 are having babies at a record low and the only age group in which births are increasing is the over-40s.

For those without children like myself, these findings give some assurance that Im not the only one still trying to decide on parenthood. But within my own personal circle, gradually more friends are hopping off the young, free and single bus and switching to married with kids and a mortgage.

Seeing some of my die-hard party compadres transform into doting mothers has been a joy to watch, and has left me playing the role of the cool auntie travelling all over the globe. However, my life has changed since the Covid-19 pandemic. I can no longer jet from country to country or distract myself with endless schmoozing at Londons finest soires. Ive been homebound and will remain so for a while, which leaves me with the time to dwell on the things Ive been putting off, like my personal stance on becoming a mother. Having this opportunity to explore this has led me to looking into options that could potentially buy me more time, or just less mental stress.

Im elated women like myself have more avenues available to us such as adoption, freezing our eggs or heading to the sperm bank. But while these modern choices are game changers, they dont really appeal to me. Freezing eggs seems like a costly process financially, physically and emotionally which, at the end of it, doesnt guarantee a baby. Call me a heartless cynic, but I would rather invest that money into getting on the property ladder.

The short-term benefits of a sperm donor seems like the perfect match for me, but I do worry about never having the answer to whos my daddy? So its a no from me, but I will forever admire the women who have the strength and courage to do it alone.

My quest down the online rabbit hole of parental indecision led me to self-described motherhood clarity mentor Ann Davidman. Ann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has a private psychotherapy practice in Oakland, California.

Parenthood hesitancy has been her area of expertise since 1991, when she and fellow therapist Denise L. Carlini created a group for the undecided population, like myself, who are seeking help deciding whether to have a child or not. The pair co-wrote a book, Motherhood Is It for Me? Your Step-By-Step Guide to Clarity in 2016.

Fast forward to 2020, Ann counsels both women and men worldwide, in a three-month online Motherhood/Fatherhood clarity group course, costing 800 or for a cheaper price tag, you can follow the guidance and assignments in the book. She has a growing UK clientele, who reach out to her to take part in the online clarity courses or to be counselled individually in one-to-one sessions.

Ann says she has found herself busier than ever in lockdown as the hectic lives of 30 and 40-somethings have been turned down a notch.

This one-of-a-kind program, which I am now participating in, has started my journey to deciphering my own private, uncensored feelings away from the judgement of other peoples opinions. Each week, I am set a writing assignment that aims to help me dissect and evaluate external circumstances that cloud my decision-making when it comes to parenthood.

I am addressing my fear that a child free life is going to be paved with regrets at a later stage

In week one I was set the task of drawing my family map and tracing generational patterns and attitudes to relationships and children. My findings were then discussed on a live call so we could explore any common traits or unsettling feelings. Alongside written assignments are recorded guided visualisations, which come packaged as a healing aid to help you relax and process your subconscious thoughts in a variety of role play scenarios. In one scenario, you visualise that you have decided to become a mother and journal your uncensored initial feelings that come with this decision.

In an alternative scenario, I am addressing my fear that a child free life is going to be paved with regrets at a later stage especially when Im older and my career is no longer the light of my life.

Of her method, Ann explains: Everything is to stir up the unconscious recordings that you carry, and its designed to record the information because often people are reacting to something outside of them, reacting to societys pressure, or living in a pro-natal society, where you are taught you should want children or what someone else wants for you.

Most people who are ambivalent or undecided, they dont even mention it to people because theres so much backlash. Ambivalence in general is uncomfortable for people, so, if you say youre not sure what you want to do about children, people have a hard time with that so that makes you go further underground and [feel] more alone.

She adds: You may desire to be a parent but live a child free life. Each part of that is a personal decision. The important thing is you know why youre making that decision which is really between you and you, its not an explanation you owe to anyone but yourself.

So far in the motherhood clarity mentoring process, Ive dealt with the uncomfortable truth that my thinking behind wanting to become a mum has solely been to keep up appearances as if a baby is a trendy accessory. Ive started shedding those beliefs and moved more towards questioning myself on whether I want the lifelong responsibility of an offspring, and if I am capable of providing them with love, guidance, wisdom, protection and financial security for as long as Im alive?

Im slowly learning that if the answer is no it doesnt make me a horrible person or any less of a woman.

During lockdown Ive spent time researching the pros and cons of motherhood by speaking to friends who have shared their wisdom, joys and honest regrets about becoming a mother. Ive googled and watched almost every Ted Talk on the subject and read numerous articles on the women deciding to go against the grain by remaining childfree and happy.

I have considered my lifestyle as a travel writer and being able to go anywhere in the world at the drop of the hat and how this may look different if I were to become a mother. But from speaking to travel mums who are successfully combining both of these worlds, Ive realised nothing is impossible, and actually family travel could turn out to be just as adventurous as solo travel.

I would say millennials feel more entitled to question and decide for themselves whats going to work, so they are reaching out more and feel less shame about not knowing, says Ann.

Speaking to Ann has made me understand its not a woman vs man battle when it comes to parenthood, as some men are also going through the same complexities of trying to understand what being a father may mean for them. Sometimes men reach out to me because theyre single and theyve been dating and their relationships keep ending over this topic so they want to get clear on it, so they know who to date, she says. They want to do right by themselves and their partner.

Motherhood clarity mentoring is enlightening and is making me feel more comfortable with the thought of becoming a mum one day but only for the right reasons, and Im giving myself the time to work out what these reasons are.

I now know that parenthood hesitancy is not something to be frightened of, as motherhood isnt so black and white. I am also learning to make peace with the fact that if I never have my own children naturally, I have the nurturing and loving spirit most women have. I am already a mother to children like my four Godchildren, who arent my own, but whom I love with the maternal yearnings within me. At any moment I can adopt the role of being a mum because, as the African proverb says, it takes a village to raise a child.

For more information on Ann Davidman and her services visit her website.

Stephanie Takyi is a travel and showbusiness journalist based in London

Continued here:

How at 34 I'm working out if I really want to be a mother one day - iNews