The most common signifiers of adulthood used to be getting a mortgage and gearing up for the midlife crisis. But who these days has the money for the former, or the time for the latter? Nowadays, the surest signs that youve reached maturity are an obsession with property magazines and a fascination with the quality of your sleep. Going by this criteria, I am more middle-aged than the most middle-aged sitcom dad ever (Darrin from Bewitched, who, Google informs me, was played by an actor five years younger than me when the show started. I am totally and definitely fine about this.)
I am fascinated with sleep but nowhere near as fascinated as everyone else, it seems. I can hardly walk down the street without someone telling me about their latest sleep app, or reading an article about good sleep hygiene, or hearing how sleep deprivation is the health equivalent of chaining 40 Benson & Hedges a day, and of course how tired so very, very tired everyone is, because they didnt get their requisite eight hours last night.
How I laugh at this. I throw my head back and laugh the kind of full-throated cackle an evil genius makes right before he presses the red button that blows up the world. I have barely slept more than five hours a night since my daughter was born eight months ago, and there is something genuinely hilarious about this era of sleep obsession when you have a baby who refuses to let you sleep. Its like living in a busted shack when everyone around you is banging on about the problems with their new basement extension. (I told you I was into property magazines.) The truth about why you keep waking up at 3am a doomy headline in this paper read recently. Is it because theres a screaming baby in the cot next to your bed?
God, Im so tired, I used to say when I was young and merrily childfree. Talking about how tired I was back then seemed to be a way of proving how deeply sensitive I was (too fragile to sleep) while simultaneously giving the impression that I led an extremely exciting social life (too fabulous to sleep). But I did genuinely think I was tired, and this is what I want to say to my twentysomething self and any other young person who is about to say how tired they are: youre not.
If you have the energy to ascertain your tiredness and then talk about it, youre not actually tired. Youre just thinking too much about yourself, which is what the entire wellness industry is based on, and which ultimately becomes detrimental because focusing too much on sleep will only exacerbate your sleeplessness. If anyone is worrying that they only got seven and a half hours sleep last night, allow me to reassure you: I have done interviews on three hours sleep, written articles on four hours, and Im typing this after being woken three times in the night (as Amy Poehler says in her memoir, Yes Please, everything written by men and women with children under six should come with a sleep-deprived sticker on it). And Im fine. OK, I can feel my brain cells self-cannibalising and have possibly given myself premature dementia: it took me two days last week to think of the word gondola. But I am still fine. Well, alive, anyway. I am definitely 100% alive.
So no, I dont want to hear about how tired you are. But if youre all having such trouble sleeping, how about if you take over the night shift with my baby? Ill definitely sleep, and you and the baby can rave all night together. David Baddiel has said that the only thing that cured his insomnia was having kids, because they exhausted it out of him. Think of the money you could save on sleep apps, kids!
Awake at 4am, I fantasise about a time when my kids are teenagers and sleeping until midday, which means Ill sleep until midday, too. Or perhaps not: older parents warn me that, while child-induced sleeplessness cures insomnia, it also breaks you, leaving you doomed for ever after to wake at 6am. So maybe weve got this parenting thing all wrong: just as twentysomething bodies are supposed to cope best with pregnancy and childbirth, perhaps fifty- and sixtysomething biorhythms work best with a babys sleeping patterns. Older friends and relatives could rise at 6am and take the baby out for a nice walk around the park, while we broken thirty- and fortysomethings could be left to get on with other things. Like sleeping. Strangely, none have yet accepted my suggestion, but theyre probably just mulling it over.
Last weekend I went away for a friends 40th, alone. We had dinner on the first night, and it was lovely, but I was impatient to get back to my hotel room where I knew the fun would really begin. Reader, I slept solidly for 11 hours. When I woke naturally, as opposed to being woken I nearly wept with happiness. The second night was a party and, giddy with freedom and an unaccustomed feeling of being well rested, I danced until the sky was light. The next day, I went home, and my husband, who had been looking after all three kids all weekend, asked how I was. I looked him right in the eyes and said, God, Im so tired.
Read the original:
- The Childfree Life Index page - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- The Childfree-by-Choice Pages - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- Jillian Michaels - Scary Mommy - December 31st, 2016 [December 31st, 2016]
- Mommyjacking The Childfree Life - STFU Parents - February 1st, 2017 [February 1st, 2017]
- Why No Kids - We're childfree and happy. You could be too! - February 4th, 2017 [February 4th, 2017]
- Happily Childfree - Children's Health Health Care Blog - February 4th, 2017 [February 4th, 2017]
- Only One in the World: Pioneering NotMom Summit to Connect Childless & Childfree Women - PR Newswire (press release) - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- What time is Parenting for Idiots on Channel 4 tonight, who's on the show with Frankie Boyle and Sally Phillips and ... - The Sun - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- I had a vasectomy and I have no regrets - Why a lot of people are opting for a child free lifestyle - SDE Entertainment News (satire) (press release)... - February 27th, 2017 [February 27th, 2017]
- This May Explain Why So Many People Feel Outraged About Childfree Adults - Huffington Post - March 2nd, 2017 [March 2nd, 2017]
- Meet The Twenty-Something Childfree Women Fighting To Be Sterilised - Huffington Post UK - March 7th, 2017 [March 7th, 2017]
- Child-free and OK with it but still dealing with moral scolding and ... - Salon - March 7th, 2017 [March 7th, 2017]
- The Childfree, Outrage, and Where It Belongs - Huffington Post - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Overlooking the childfree is a mistake - Spectator.co.uk (blog) - June 7th, 2017 [June 7th, 2017]
- 'Strangers should mind their own business about my child-free status' - Independent.ie - June 8th, 2017 [June 8th, 2017]
- What We Get Wrong About Women Who Don't Have Kids - Refinery29 - June 20th, 2017 [June 20th, 2017]
- The 1 Simple Reason I Decided Not to Have Kids - POPSUGAR UK - June 21st, 2017 [June 21st, 2017]
- Why you should go on a child-free vacation - Femina - June 21st, 2017 [June 21st, 2017]
- Why I Don't Want to Have Kids | POPSUGAR Love & Sex - POPSUGAR - June 22nd, 2017 [June 22nd, 2017]
- Vacation without Children - Childfree Getaways - TripSavvy - June 24th, 2017 [June 24th, 2017]
- Why am I expected to have children just because I'm a woman? - Irish Times - June 27th, 2017 [June 27th, 2017]
- Can Everyone On RHONY Stop Shaming Carole Radziwill For Not Having Children? - Refinery29 - June 30th, 2017 [June 30th, 2017]
- As A Childfree Woman, Every Day Is Independence Day - HuffPost - July 1st, 2017 [July 1st, 2017]
- Myths and Facts About Living Childfree - RESOLVE - July 1st, 2017 [July 1st, 2017]
- Celebrating ChildFreedom on the Fourth of July - HuffPost - July 3rd, 2017 [July 3rd, 2017]
- Ode: Divorced and dating again, childfree by choice - KWIT - July 26th, 2017 [July 26th, 2017]
- Ode: Divorced and dating again, childfree by choice | KWIT - KWIT - August 1st, 2017 [August 1st, 2017]
- While some airlines and restaurants cater to kids, what's a parent to do when others don't? - National Post - August 2nd, 2017 [August 2nd, 2017]
- Calgary bucking national trend of couples with fewer kids, census ... - Calgary Herald - August 3rd, 2017 [August 3rd, 2017]
- How Not To Be A Dick To Your Childfree Friends - August 11th, 2017 [August 11th, 2017]
- The Childfree Life - August 22nd, 2017 [August 22nd, 2017]
- 9 Childfree Women Explain What Life Is Like Without Kids ... - August 25th, 2017 [August 25th, 2017]
- Childfree And Loving It! - February 23rd, 2018 [February 23rd, 2018]
- Efilism | Cool Childfree Guy | Page 2 - March 10th, 2018 [March 10th, 2018]
- Parents secretly hate Snow Days : childfree - reddit.com - March 19th, 2018 [March 19th, 2018]
- Complete Without Kids: a Childfree by Choice Handbook | Complete Without Kids - April 13th, 2018 [April 13th, 2018]
- Childfree or Childless: Does Terminology Really Matter? - May 4th, 2018 [May 4th, 2018]
- Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Childfree ... - May 26th, 2018 [May 26th, 2018]
- Living Childfree - RESOLVE: The National Infertility ... - May 31st, 2018 [May 31st, 2018]
- Home | Childfree Women UK & Ireland - July 12th, 2018 [July 12th, 2018]
- Childless and Childfree Marriages and Divorce | Divorce Source - July 12th, 2018 [July 12th, 2018]
- Childfree - Travel Companion - September 24th, 2018 [September 24th, 2018]
- The Childfree Life - Official Site - November 9th, 2018 [November 9th, 2018]
- Choosing to be Childfree to Live a More Sustainable Lifestyle - January 3rd, 2019 [January 3rd, 2019]
- Complete Without Kids: a Childfree by Choice Handbook ... - January 27th, 2019 [January 27th, 2019]
- How Minimalism Relates to Being Childfree | By: Legally ... - January 27th, 2019 [January 27th, 2019]
- Childfree Places from Restaurants to Events The Site ... - January 27th, 2019 [January 27th, 2019]
- IVFML Season 2, Episode 9: Going From Childless To ... - April 1st, 2019 [April 1st, 2019]
- The Childfree Life - Index page - April 24th, 2019 [April 24th, 2019]
- Welcome to The Childfree Life | The Childfree Life - April 24th, 2019 [April 24th, 2019]
- Living Childfree - RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association - May 27th, 2019 [May 27th, 2019]
- Why breast cancer was called 'Nun's disease" - Florida Today - September 19th, 2019 [September 19th, 2019]
- Why you should be worried about teacher salaries in Michigan - Detroit Free Press - September 19th, 2019 [September 19th, 2019]
- How babies change the dynamics of friendships - ABC News - October 16th, 2019 [October 16th, 2019]
- Im childfree, not childless heres why that difference matters - Stylist Magazine - October 24th, 2019 [October 24th, 2019]
- My Label and Me: I have 10 children, but motherhood doesn't define me - Metro.co.uk - December 13th, 2019 [December 13th, 2019]
- If I have no hope for the planet, why am I so determined to have this baby? - The Guardian - December 27th, 2019 [December 27th, 2019]
- Are single childfree women the last of the hopeless romantics? - TheArticle - February 12th, 2020 [February 12th, 2020]
- I'm Childfree, and I Think It's Time to Stop Asking Women If They're Having Kids - GoodHousekeeping.com - March 7th, 2020 [March 7th, 2020]
- Childfree: Im not having children because I want to save the planet - Stylist Magazine - April 26th, 2020 [April 26th, 2020]
- How this working mum is coping without her village during the coronavirus pandemic - ABC News - April 26th, 2020 [April 26th, 2020]
- I used to judge childfree women | Life and style | The ... - April 26th, 2020 [April 26th, 2020]
- The Very Sad Childfree Life : Strange Notions - April 26th, 2020 [April 26th, 2020]
- Childfree and Childless The Difference - The Good Men Project - May 19th, 2020 [May 19th, 2020]
- Childfree - reddit.com - July 11th, 2020 [July 11th, 2020]
- First Thing: could the pandemic turn red states into swing states? - The Guardian - July 12th, 2020 [July 12th, 2020]
- More women like me are choosing to be childfree. Is this the age of opting out? - The Guardian - July 12th, 2020 [July 12th, 2020]
- 5 Things 'Childfree' People Want You To Know | HuffPost Life - July 12th, 2020 [July 12th, 2020]
- The Motherhood Rejection: 'We Didnt Need A Baby To Make Us Feel Complete' - elle.com - July 21st, 2020 [July 21st, 2020]
- 'I'm a woman in her 40s with no children, and people don't quite know what to do with me.' - Mamamia - July 23rd, 2020 [July 23rd, 2020]
- 10 Women Look Back On Living Childfree By Choice | SELF - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- Why arent millennials having kids? 8 insights into the ... - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- This Is What No One Tells You About Being Child-Free In ... - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- Choosing to Be Childfree Doesn't Mean You Dislike Kids | Time - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- Voluntary childlessness - Wikipedia - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- Childfree - reddit - July 25th, 2020 [July 25th, 2020]
- Trends: To have or not to have a baby childless author Emma Gannon is blazing a trail for choice - Metro Newspaper UK - July 26th, 2020 [July 26th, 2020]
- 'There's a real taboo': Emma Gannon's debut novel Olive explores the decision to be childfree - Belfast Telegraph - July 31st, 2020 [July 31st, 2020]
- How at 34 I'm working out if I really want to be a mother one day - iNews - August 6th, 2020 [August 6th, 2020]
- One Legacy of the Pandemic May Be Less Judgment of the Child-Free - The Atlantic - August 10th, 2020 [August 10th, 2020]