For a small fee, the opaquely funded Policy Exchange thinktank will exchange your old worn-out policy for a more rightwing one, chopped out in a pub toilet by co-founder Michael Gove. Nyaaaagh! Gerard Lyonss uncut analysis of our thriving economic prospects under World Trade Organization tariffs has burned out my septum, and Ive sneezed snot and blood on to my copy of Ayn Rands The Fountainhead!! Michael!!! Help me!!!! You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!!!!
Last week Policy Exchange tried to make liberal higher educational institutions the next bogeypersons in the Rightwing Coups culture war, another target in an ongoing parade of necessary phantoms. The EU has been knocked off the top of the list, and the BBCs head is already on the chopping block, gazing up lovingly into the eyes of its executioner, eager to please until the end, like a stupidly loyal dog.
As other dead cats disappear, it can only be a matter of time before Dominic Cummings blunderbuss is aimed at the marsh-dwelling myth of the will-o-the-wisp, a small burning cloud of glowing methane, known for its leftwing sympathies, and responsible for curdling all the milk, souring all the cheese, and straightening all the bananas.
Meanwhile, Turning Point UK, the British incarnation of a wealthy American rightwing youth organisation, endorsed by the child-friendly Conservative luminaries Priti Patel and Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aiming to compile a student snitches website listing the dangerous leftwing academics exposing our kids to their anti-racist mathematics and frayed corduroy jackets.
This isnt a new idea. When I was a leftwing student, I subsidised my full grant via a variety of jobs. I dressed as a monkey to leaflet for a fancy-dress shop, and was beaten soundly in the lane by hooligans to whom a boy dressed as a monkey for money, who just wanted to learn Anglo-Saxon poetry, was some kind of threat. And all through one beautiful and balmy Indian summer 33 years ago my lithe young body carried heavy suitcases up historic staircases for conference attendees at an Oxford college, a memory that now seems like a scene from an unwritten autobiographical novel which, like most autobiographical novels, has no need to exist.
My favourite guests were the ghost hunters from the Society for Psychical Research. One of whom, a hugely likable man I now think must have been the renowned Tony Cornell, told me in the bar about his machine, the Spider (Spontaneous Psychical Incident Recorder), which he hoped would trap ghosts. I began to believe I had retroactively imagined the invention until, halfway through writing this sentence, I used the internet to verify the Spiders existence, and catapulted myself back through time to haunt my own memories in smaller trousers.
My least favourite conference attendees were the centre-right libertarians of the Freedom Association who, unlike the ghost hunters, didnt tip me at all, seeing the practice as a socialist intervention in the marketplace. And they hadnt invented any ghost-hunting machines with cool acronyms either. Founder member Norris McWhirter, who I knew as the boastful statistics goon from the BBCs Record Breakers, had drawn napkin plans for a self-guided miniature vacuum cleaner, able to de-fluff the belly-buttons of freedom fighters whose attempts to discredit trade unions were hampered by distracting lint-clog. But Tonys Spider was infinitely superior to the McWanc (McWhirters Automatic Navel Cleaner).
In the evenings, wispy-haired McWhirter would hold forth to his followers in the bar. I couldnt help but overhear the spindly statistician outlining his plans to get sympathetic scholars to help the Freedom Association compile a dossier of students involved with left-leaning causes, which could then be given to potential employers. Drunk and irked I sarcastically interrupted: Norris. What is the biggest blacklist of left-leaning students that has ever been compiled and how long exactly was it? McWhirter fixed me with his angry iron gaze, but couldnt resist an arrogant display of knowledge. The biggest blacklist of left-leaning students that has ever been compiled is the one I am working on now and it is 43.6 centimetres long, he declared, But I think it just got longer by the length of one name. And what is your name? Dont tell him Lee, piped up Tony from a corner, where he was compiling a dossier of fraudulent mediums to supply to potential ectoplasm. But it was too late. And two years later, my mysteriously rejected application to be the chairman of PricewaterhouseCoopers forced me instead into my standup comedy career. And the rest is history.
In the end self-interest and disillusion will make Conservative voters of the best of you
Why dont Policy Exchange, Turning Point UK, Toby Youngs X-Men of Shits, and the Freedom Association just set up their own universities, teaching climate-emergency denial, anti-trade union theory, progressive eugenics and political correctness gone mad? Universities are supposed to be leftwing, daddio! And so are students. If you cant believe naively in the possibility of a better, fairer world as a 19-year-old, when can you? You will have the rest of your life to be an arse, and in the end self-interest and disillusion will make Conservative voters of the best of you. For example, though known today as a white Tory party grandee, in the 1950s Kenneth Kenny Clarke was actually a black American jazz drummer, who pioneered the use of ride cymbals and irregular accents, and had an affair with Lenny Bruces ex, Annie Ross, before dying of heart failure in Pittsburgh in 1985.
And if I hadnt lived the charmed life of the standup comedian, clowning around in the same clothes and off-the-peg opinions I sported at 17, I could have been chopping out policies alongside Michael Gove, and campaigning to have my former self retroactively banned for speaking at any venues that receive public subsidy.
Stewart Lees Snowflake: Tornado is at Londons Southbank Centre in June and July, and is touring nationally now
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Oi, Cummings! Leave those lefty kids alone - The Guardian
- The Phony Debate About Political Correctness ThinkProgress - December 8th, 2016 [December 8th, 2016]
- Political Correctness Watch - December 12th, 2016 [December 12th, 2016]
- The Origins of Political Correctness - academia.org - January 13th, 2017 [January 13th, 2017]
- Spicer says 'political correctness' infringes on 'freedom of religion' - Washington Post - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Political correctness exists to build respect for the oppressed - Kenyon Collegian - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Letter: Political correctness has gone too far - The Herald-News - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Boy Scouts ruined by political correctness: Your Say - USA TODAY - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Spicer Says Religious Liberty Is Getting 'Pushed Out' By Political Correctness - TPM - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Lawrence Modisett: Need for political correctness still holds true - The Providence Journal - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Trump's right-wing political correctness makes us less safe - Daily Kos - Daily Kos - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Authoritarian political correctness - Dailyuw - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Fixing political correctness - The Stanford Daily - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- The Politically Correct Presidency of Donald Trump - The Atlantic - February 8th, 2017 [February 8th, 2017]
- Letter: Political correctness is akin to golden rule - The Buffalo News - Buffalo News - February 8th, 2017 [February 8th, 2017]
- Pro-Trump priest casts political correctness aside and creates quite the stir on social media - BizPac Review - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Slamming 'political correctness,' Casper scraps recycling program ... - Casper Star-Tribune Online - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Political correctness is life and death on a hilarious It's Always Sunny - A.V. Club - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Too PC? - Two Views on Political Correctness - Huffington Post - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Foregoing Political Correctness, The Senate Should Have Let Warren Speak - Daily Caller - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- To a Collegian columnist: Disregarding political correctness hinders social justice causes - Kenyon Collegian - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Political correctness | The Economist - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Netflix Boycott Over 'Dear White People' Is Right-Wing Political Correctness in Action - Heat Street - February 9th, 2017 [February 9th, 2017]
- Salman Rushdie's New Novel is About Political Correctness and the ... - Heat Street - February 10th, 2017 [February 10th, 2017]
- Letter to the editor: The truth doesn't require political correctness - Anniston Star - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Trump's Right-wing Political Correctness Makes Us Less Safe - Huffington Post - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- When Will They Purge Indian History Of Political Correctness And Teach Us As It Is? - Swarajya - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Editorial: Brown puts political correctness above jobs - Daily Astorian - February 13th, 2017 [February 13th, 2017]
- Slamming 'political correctness,' Casper scraps recycling program for electronics - Casper Star-Tribune Online - February 14th, 2017 [February 14th, 2017]
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- Political Correctness Is An Absolute Must | Time.com - February 15th, 2017 [February 15th, 2017]
- Political Correctness Propagates Radical Liberalism and Undermines The Truth - Accuracy In Media (blog) - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- This Day: Charlton Heston speaks at Harvard about Political Correctness - The Apopka Voice - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- Words, Tweets and Stones in the "Political Correctness" Wars ... - EconoTimes - February 17th, 2017 [February 17th, 2017]
- Ferguson Political Correctness - The Missourian - February 18th, 2017 [February 18th, 2017]
- PewDiePie: Alt-Right Nazi, Victim of Political Correctness, or Just an Idiot? - Reason (blog) - February 18th, 2017 [February 18th, 2017]
- Political correctness weaponized in face of unpopular opinion - The Vermilion - February 18th, 2017 [February 18th, 2017]
- Populist correctness: the new PC culture of Trump's America and Brexit Britain - The Guardian - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- Trevor Phillips: political correctness ushered in the populist wave - The Guardian - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- Political correctness on a downward spiral - NCC Linked - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- PewDiePie's Misguided War On The Media Sounds Familiar - Forbes - February 21st, 2017 [February 21st, 2017]
- Better Education Responsible for Political Correctness - NYU Washington Square News - February 21st, 2017 [February 21st, 2017]
- Publishers Pen - Political Correctness and Lawlessness: A Rant - Up & Coming Weekly - February 22nd, 2017 [February 22nd, 2017]
- Fed up with political correctness - The Rushville Republican - February 22nd, 2017 [February 22nd, 2017]
- Thursday's best TV: Born Too White; Has Political Correctness Gone Mad? - The Guardian - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Political correctness is to blame for terrorist payout, says Leo McKinstry - Express.co.uk - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Jones: It's not political correctness, just common decency - Philly.com - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Is There Space For Political Correctness In Fashion? Gucci Says Maybe Not - Refinery29 - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- The Dark State of Political Correctness - American Spectator - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- Thursday February 23, 2017 - Israel Hayom - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Jim Bailey column: Caught up in political correctness - The Herald Bulletin - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Op-ed: He's just saying what we're all thinking: How political correctness fails us in the age of Trump - The Eagle - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- The Bus Campaign That's Giving UK Political Correctness a Run for ... - CBN News - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Has political correctness gone mad? 'Comedians must be allowed to offend' - thejournal.ie - February 25th, 2017 [February 25th, 2017]
- CPAC inadvertently shows logic behind political correctness - UT The Daily Texan - February 25th, 2017 [February 25th, 2017]
- Despite Rumblings About Political Correctness, the Black Oscar Nominees This Year Deserve All the Accolades - Heat Street - February 25th, 2017 [February 25th, 2017]
- EDITORIAL: Political correctness ... and more absurdities | The ... - The Daily Progress - February 27th, 2017 [February 27th, 2017]
- Political correctness puts end to much loved television characters ... - Starts at 60 - February 27th, 2017 [February 27th, 2017]
- Political Correctness Hurt the Oscars - WSAU (blog) - February 28th, 2017 [February 28th, 2017]
- The Bus Campaign That's Giving UK Political Correctness a Run for Its Money - CBN News - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Fox News' Tucker Carlson says 'Moonlight' only won Best Picture because of political correctness - ThinkProgress - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- O'Reilly: 'Americans Are Tired of Political Correctness & Left-Wing Totalitarianism' - Fox News Insider - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Enough with the political correctness: transgender individuals shouldn't be allowed to compete in sports - The Rebel - March 2nd, 2017 [March 2nd, 2017]
- Is political correctness killing US institutions? - Canada Free Press - March 2nd, 2017 [March 2nd, 2017]
- Jennifer Saunders Claims Political Correctness Has Ended ... - Huffington Post UK - March 3rd, 2017 [March 3rd, 2017]
- Conservative Rag Bends to Political Correctness - American Free Press - March 3rd, 2017 [March 3rd, 2017]
- Why John Howard thinks Australians are sick of political correctness ... - Starts at 60 - March 6th, 2017 [March 6th, 2017]
- Columbus Statue Removed at Pepperdine Bow to Political Correctness - The New American - March 6th, 2017 [March 6th, 2017]
- Why 'rage is not a policy' - Washington Times - March 6th, 2017 [March 6th, 2017]
- Donald Trump Is Actually The Most Politically Correct Politician Of Them All - Huffington Post - March 7th, 2017 [March 7th, 2017]
- Misguided political correctness is problem | Letters To Editor | union ... - Walla Walla Union-Bulletin - March 7th, 2017 [March 7th, 2017]
- Political correctness is curtailing free speech: Letters - LA Daily News - March 8th, 2017 [March 8th, 2017]
- 'La La Land' is the Ultimate Victim of Hollywood's Political ... - Heat Street - March 8th, 2017 [March 8th, 2017]
- Political correctness sends ACC from Tobacco Road to Brooklyn - Power Line (blog) - March 9th, 2017 [March 9th, 2017]
- Give political correctness a failing grade - Canoe News - Canoe - March 11th, 2017 [March 11th, 2017]
- Nick Ferrari: Political correctness is turning our police into social services - Express.co.uk - March 12th, 2017 [March 12th, 2017]
- Littleproud: program is 'political correctness gone too far' - Warwick Daily News - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Editorial: freedom of speech in an era of political-correctness, part two - Daily Sundial - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- When Republicans defend Republicans' bad behavior, we justify 'political correctness' - Mooresville Tribune - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Marvel V.P. Admits Political Correctness Killed Comic Sales ... - FrontPage Magazine - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]