Why Deadspin Sucks, By Former NFL Punter Chris Kluwe

Some people are fans of the website Deadspin. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the website Deadspin. This 2014 website preview is for those in the latter group. You can read previous previews here.

Your website: Deadspin, still part of the Gawker network, still a front for Denton's coke laundering, still using misleading titles for THOSE PAGEVIEWS, DOE.

Your 2013 record: +1. Again. Bear in mind, though, that this is a mediocre, half-assing, non-Schiano-man +1, hardly fit to shine the shoes of previous +1 years. Comments have gotten appreciably lamer, with multiple pro-caliber commenters settling for puns that any Bleacher Report sheepfister can understand. I demand obscure references to pop-culture events that take an episode of Sherlock to decode! You people have gotten fucking lazy.

Your editor: Still the lifeless husk of meat known as Tommy Craggs, who dies a little more each day he's forced to upload a Grierson and Leitch review of some lame movie that nobody gives two camel shits about. I'm sure Craggs wishes he'd kept his mouth shut like a good ESPN drone so he wouldn't have to eat top ramen every night because Denton doesn't pay anyone anything. Tommy Craggs is stuck in a never-ending hell of his own devising, and if he could run a sub 5.0 40, he would be considered a Cleveland Brown.

Your head contributor: Still Drew Magary. I swear to Satan's unbleached asshole, does no one else at this website know how to string words together in the English language? I want a new contender, someone to push Magary off his all caps-lock throne. I want CONTROVERSY, dammit. I mean, you can tell Drew's coasting when he writes a bullshit article like this. NO HATER'S GUIDE TO THE TOP 25?! How am I supposed to know which crableg-lusting ACC quarterback or racist Pac-54 coach to direct my gallons of bile and ragespittle at? Magary might as well quit and go take over for Easterbrook at this point.

Also, this shitheel wears a jacket tied around his waist like some yuppy high schooler and he's A GROWN MAN WITH KIDS. Somebody call Child Protective Services. Those poor kids are fucking doomed to a life of passive-aggressive disappointment and bitter alcoholism.

What's new that sucks: Well, a whole lot of people who never knew what the words "gaping hentai futanari non-consensual" put together mean got a real quick education courtesy of the COMPLETELY UNFORESEEABLE abuse of anonymous burner accounts. Thankfully, Gawker Media did something about it immediately after it was brought to their attention, and by immediately, I mean months later, because WHO THE SHIT CARES ABOUT WOMENBITS WHEN THERE'S SPORTS STUFF, AMIRITE, RAY RICE? Don't forget to buy that pink, ladies! A whole 5 percent goes to breast cancer! Menstruation voids the warranty!

While I'm on the subject of burner accounts, the public stance Gawker (and by association, Deadspin) has taken on them is beyond ludicrous. You guys aren't enabling the next Edward Snowden. Deep Throat 2 isn't coming your way (unless you decide to give Steve Phillips a job). If someone wants to give you a screaming hot tip that'll set the world on fire, because clearly that's what sports news (or political gossip that puts TMZ to shame, in the case of Gawker) does, they'll make a throwaway email account at a public library and send you a note. The only thing burner accounts do is make me want to scream "IT'S A FUCKING SCHOONER" whenever I see that horrible pixelated square.