Next Christmas when your rich relatives brag about their trips abroad, join in the discussion. Crow about your trips to exotic places and no one will have to know you never left Iowa.

Introducing the Tight Wad Iowan World Travel Service. Yes, folks, we will take you on a world tour on a very small budget. For your comfort we will travel in a luxurious 1973 school bus operated by our veteran driver, Happy Harry Lugnut.

Our "European Excursion" will excite the most adventurous soul. Our first stop is Madrid in Boone County. The natives prefer that you use the local pronunciation MAD-rid. You won't find any bullfights here but a couple of cows have been known to tease the bull on their farm north of town.

From magnificent Madrid we travel to Holland in Grundy County. Though there are no canals or windmills in this Holland, we will park the bus along a drainage ditch west of town and enjoy a cup of coffee while Happy Harry sings "Tulips from Amsterdam."

Next we zip to Paris, a wide spot in the road in northern Linn County. The bad news is there is no Eifel Tower here. The good news is you won't have to learn how to ask, "O sont les toilettes?" In this Paris you can ask for a restroom in English; if, in fact, there is a public toilet in Iowa's Paris.

We then travel to Norway in southeastern Benton County. Our tour guides will be Ole and Lars, Norwegian bachelor farmers who moved here from Lake Wobegone, Minnesota, a few years ago. A highlight of our visit to Norway will be a performance by Ole and Lars' high diving mule, "Yumpin' Yimminy."

After a roadside lutefisk luncheon we will motor to Moscow in northern Muscatine County. You won't see Red Square in this Moscow but there is a nice red barn south of town.

The last stop on our European Excursion is Hamburg in Fremont County where we'll enjoy a supper of what else? Tacos!

If you prefer domestic travel we're proud to offer our "Great American Cities Tour."

Our tour begins in Little Rock in northwest Iowa's Lyon County. This Little Rock is not the former home of Bill Clinton and a past chairman of the Lyon County Republicans will tell us why he doesn't care. We'll also treat you to a side trip to the neighboring town of George where we'll visit a farm, by George.

See the rest here:

World traveler, Iowa style