Back in March, when I wrote about etiquette in the age of Coronavirus, I could not have imagined half of the questions that would arise. I teach Business Etiquette , so I get lots of questions from students about how to cope with the sticky situations that present themselves these days. And there are many!
Lets get one thing straight: I am not Ms. Manners. Not even close. There actually is a Miss Manners, by the way. In fact, theres a whole Manners family. Google Miss Manners and you will find Judith Martin, the real Miss Manners, who took up where Emily Post left off. Judith Martin(nePerlman) has been cheerfully giving etiquette advice for over 4 decades. Today, her children are carrying on her work as she has passed her 80th birthday may she be healthy! The Manners family have even penned an e-book for these tricky times: Miss MannersGuide to Contagious Etiquette. There have also been articles from other etiquette mavens about proper behavior during this pandemic.
But back here in my home office a/k/a my dining room table, I am asked questions in real time and Im expected to come up with the answers on the spot. I dont always know the right thing to do, as Ive learned through a long career of embarrassing mistakes. Learning that I might not be the smartest person in the room is a humbling experience especially now when I am the ONLY person in the room!
So when I get a question these days, I take a breath before answering. I use the golden rule and ask myself: What would I want to hear if I were on the receiving end? I give my answers in the first person, rather than spouting edicts. I often start with words like Yeah, that is a problem. Heres what I do.
Staying safe means never having to say youre sorry. I regularly advise my students not to apologize for asserting themselves. Some of my students, far from the stereotype of the arrogant Israeli, can be too polite at times. I remind them that they are just doing their jobs, which is in the best interest of all parties, and that theres no need to preface every request with an apology. Same goes for COVID 19 interactions. No need to apologize for stepping away to avoid proximity. In fact, this is the polite thing to do. When you keep your distance, you are protecting the people around you as well as yourself.
One thing to remember is that you can smile visibly even when you are wearing a mask which should always be the case when you are out in public! Remember that a true smile starts at the eyes. Your smiling eyes and those lovely laugh lines are visible even from a distance of 2 meters. A genuine smile is the universal sign of good intention and you should use it liberally. Theres an added benefit to frequent smiling: it actually helps put us in a good mood! So smile! If nothing else, it will make people wonder what youve been up to!
Smile! Photo: N. Bresler
One other thing to bear in mind is that life is easier when we assume good intentions on the part of others. Do not presume people are trying to harm you or infect you. The differences in behavior we see are because people have differing opinions of what it means to stay safe. Etiquette is a code of behavior. And codes need to be deciphered. This COVID 19 situation is stressful and confusing. We hear conflicting information. Government and public health authorities often disagree with one another and the rules change daily. In a world where we get mixed messages about how to behave, we can not expect everyone to agree on the code. So give people the benefit of the doubt. And smile.
Here are some of the questions Ive gotten lately, with my answers.
Q: How do I tell someone to keep their distance?
A: This is probably the most frequently-asked question these days all over the world, but especially here in Israel where personal space is something of a foreign concept. The scene of the crime may be a supermarket, bank, or post office places that have always been challenging in our cheek-to-cheek Israeli culture. The taped markers on the floor or sidewalk are no help people are already standing all over them. Since I keep my distance from the person in front of me, the people I need to worry about have come up from behind. This is standard Israeli queueing procedure: stand in line, now creep up gradually until you are upon the person in front of you. This is such an ingrained habit that its hard to break, even after countless reminders about keeping ones distance. Heres what I do: I turn to the person who is breathing down my neck. I smile. Yes, smile! I put my hands up in front of me and signal the person to back up. I plant my feet firmly in place and use my body language to show that I am standing in my spot and not planning to budge. Usually this is enough to get the creeper to back up. If not, ask a nearby guard or shop employee to tell people to keep their distance. There are guards at the entrance of every building these days, and their job includes keeping order, as well as taking temperatures and checking for masks.
Q: I am isolating. What should I tell people who invite themselves to visit me?
A: You have the answer already. Just say, I am isolating. You can add, but Id love to catch up with you on the phone or zoom. Lets plan a call so we can have a long chat. Whats a good time for you? I have come to hate the term social distancing. Its about physical distance, not social distance. The challenge in these COVID times is to maintain our social relationships while keeping our distance. Its not fun. Its not easy. But its doable.
Q: How can I tell someone to mask up?
A: If you keep your distance from people, this will not be a frequent problem. This is only necessary when someone is approaching you and close contact is unavoidable. For me, the only time I feel the need to do this is when I am in an elevator and someone else wants to get in, or when I am facing a shop employee who is unmasked or, more often, improperly masked. Otherwise, when I pass unmasked people in the street, I just step up my pace and walk on by, like in the song. But when an unmasked person tries to get into the elevator, I do assert myself. I make a gesture with my hand, sweeping up from my chin and stopping to cover the lower half of my face. If they have a mask handy, as they should, they usually put it on. If they dont have a mask, and give me a dismissive shrug, I actually put my hands out to signal stop and shake my head no. No apology necessary. I am taking care of my health and this is my right. I have had this happen several times, since I live in a land full of unmasked people who seem to think they are immune to pandemics. I have had to assert myself, and I have been successful with those simple gestures.
Q: How do I tell someone theyre endangering others?
A: Dont. Its not our job to tell other people how to live. Take care of yourself. Keep your distance and mind your own space. Mind your manners. And smile!
Nili Bresler is a trainer and business communications coach with experience in management at multinational technology companies. Prior to her career in high-tech, she was a news correspondent for the AP. Nili holds a degree in International Relations from NYU. In her spare time, she manages communications for the non-profit, NATAN International Humanitarian Aid. Nili made aliya in 1970 and lives happily in Ramat Gan.
Read more from the original source:
Sticky Situations: COVID Etiquette 101 | Nili Bresler | The Blogs - The Times of Israel
- Golden Rule Plumbing, Heating & Cooling - December 19th, 2016 [December 19th, 2016]
- Golden ratio - Wikipedia - December 30th, 2016 [December 30th, 2016]
- Golden Rule: Treat People as You'd Like to Be Treated - January 2nd, 2017 [January 2nd, 2017]
- Rockwell's "Golden Rule" - Norman Rockwell Museum - The Home ... - January 2nd, 2017 [January 2nd, 2017]
- Golden calf - Wikipedia - January 16th, 2017 [January 16th, 2017]
- Live by the Golden Rule (pledge/petition/proclamation ... - January 19th, 2017 [January 19th, 2017]
- Matriarchy - Wikipedia - January 23rd, 2017 [January 23rd, 2017]
- The Golden Rule | Our Daily Bread - odb.org - February 1st, 2017 [February 1st, 2017]
- Golden LivingCenter Golden Rule - February 1st, 2017 [February 1st, 2017]
- Opinion: No room for walls in Gospel's Golden Rule - The Catholic Register - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Let the Golden Rule be our response locally and globally - Berkeley Independent - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Rev. Jeff Bobin: The Golden Rule - GoErie.com - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- No Gods, No Masters: Live the Golden Rule - Dissident Voice - February 7th, 2017 [February 7th, 2017]
- Good neighbors and the Golden Rule - WiscNews - February 11th, 2017 [February 11th, 2017]
- Shock on The Voice UK as coaches break a golden rule of the show and meet rejected Blind Audition singer Ciara Harvie - Radio Times - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Health Insurance to Meet Your Needs & Budget | UnitedHealthOne - February 12th, 2017 [February 12th, 2017]
- Trenton man reminded of Golden Rule in wake of Quebec attack - Northumberland News - February 13th, 2017 [February 13th, 2017]
- Following the golden rule in times of tumult - College Heights Herald - February 14th, 2017 [February 14th, 2017]
- The Golden Rule of Business - Times-Citizen Communications - February 15th, 2017 [February 15th, 2017]
- A Fool's Golden Rule - Word and Way - Word and Way - February 15th, 2017 [February 15th, 2017]
- h3cz: The Golden Rule of Twitter - Dexerto - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- LETTER: Living by 'Golden Rule' would defeat ISIS - Daily Record - Daily Record - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- Motivating Your Team: Why The Golden Rule Doesn't Always Apply - Forbes - February 16th, 2017 [February 16th, 2017]
- Would golden rule survive if we were under siege? - Port Huron Times Herald - February 20th, 2017 [February 20th, 2017]
- Apply the Golden Rule to lift results - Business Management Daily - February 22nd, 2017 [February 22nd, 2017]
- 57th District It's the Golden rule: J. Central moves into 7th straight finals - The Independent - February 23rd, 2017 [February 23rd, 2017]
- The Golden Rule of Social Selling: Solve Your Customer's Problem - Business 2 Community - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- From mushroom picker to deputy sheriff: Herc Avello relishes golden rule - Daily Local News - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- United Way to present Golden Rule-Lightkeepers, Fabric of our Community Awards - Jacksonville Daily News - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Ron Forthofer: To live by the Golden Rule, we must recognize the 'others' - Longmont Times-Call - February 24th, 2017 [February 24th, 2017]
- Measuring life by the Golden Rule ... not a cellphone app - Bristol Herald Courier (press release) (blog) - February 25th, 2017 [February 25th, 2017]
- Apply the Golden Rule to immigrants - Statesman Journal - February 28th, 2017 [February 28th, 2017]
- Five golden rules to always be in profit when you invest in equities - Economic Times - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Email and The Golden Rule - Memphis Daily News - Memphis Daily News - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Is the Golden Rule Still Alive and Well in America? - Huffington Post - March 1st, 2017 [March 1st, 2017]
- Engineering's Golden Rule - Sourceable - March 2nd, 2017 [March 2nd, 2017]
- Golden Rule of Chaplaincy: Thy Shoes Matter - Boston.com - March 3rd, 2017 [March 3rd, 2017]
- Career Corner: The Golden Rule - Journal Record (subscription) - March 3rd, 2017 [March 3rd, 2017]
- Much to be gained from Golden Rule - Jackson Clarion Ledger - March 6th, 2017 [March 6th, 2017]
- OPINION: If only our institutions practiced the Golden Rule - Opinion ... - Nantucket Island Inquirer - March 7th, 2017 [March 7th, 2017]
- Biffy Clyro swap The Golden Rule for the Golden Can as they receive Tennent's Lager award - Glasgow Evening Times - March 9th, 2017 [March 9th, 2017]
- In the Neighborhood: A Meditation on the Golden Rule, Cheaters, and Prophets - Patheos (blog) - March 11th, 2017 [March 11th, 2017]
- Ferrari's Golden Rule: No Pink Cars - The Drive - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Letter: Remember the Golden Rule - Asheville Citizen-Times - April 8th, 2017 [April 8th, 2017]
- Remember the Golden Rules During ATV Safety Week - Legal Examiner - June 6th, 2017 [June 6th, 2017]
- The ATRA Golden Rule Warranty Program - June 9th, 2017 [June 9th, 2017]
- Historic Golden Rule Peace Boat on its way to Noyo Harbor! - Ft. Bragg Advocate-News - June 10th, 2017 [June 10th, 2017]
- The Golden Rule is universal - Montrose Daily Press - June 10th, 2017 [June 10th, 2017]
- Lawmakers should practice the Golden Rule - Times Daily - June 11th, 2017 [June 11th, 2017]
- Golden rule - Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette - June 13th, 2017 [June 13th, 2017]
- Argentina's national football team reaches out to The Golden Rule ... - Coconuts - June 14th, 2017 [June 14th, 2017]
- What Is the Golden Rule? - East Texas Review - June 14th, 2017 [June 14th, 2017]
- The Not So Golden Rule - HuffPost - June 14th, 2017 [June 14th, 2017]
- Let's give the 'Golden Rule' a try; it can't hurt - Montana Standard - June 14th, 2017 [June 14th, 2017]
- The Golden Rule of Online Dating - HuffPost - June 16th, 2017 [June 16th, 2017]
- Golden rule: Warriors beat Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 5, clinch championship - Arkansas Online - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- Apple's Stock Will Treat You Just Fine If You Remember This One Golden Rule, Jim Cramer Reveals - TheStreet.com - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- Anti-nuclear peace boat moors in Bodega Bay - Sonoma West - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- At this water park, inclusion is the golden rule - Mother Nature Network - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- Kiwanis Club honors students for following the Golden Rule | Local ... - Chippewa Herald - June 17th, 2017 [June 17th, 2017]
- Bishop: A Golden Answer to Every Problem - Florida Today - June 20th, 2017 [June 20th, 2017]
- Golden Rule Charter School - June 21st, 2017 [June 21st, 2017]
- The Three Golden Rules of Tax - MinuteHack (registration) (blog) - June 22nd, 2017 [June 22nd, 2017]
- Heimerman: Officer reminds us of the golden rule | Daily Chronicle - DeKalb Daily Chronicle - June 22nd, 2017 [June 22nd, 2017]
- REV. TONY ELDER: Be a person of integrity in dealing with others - Rockdale Newton Citizen (press release) (registration) - June 23rd, 2017 [June 23rd, 2017]
- Kids Learning Golden Rule Applies to Treatment of Animals ... - Noozhawk - June 26th, 2017 [June 26th, 2017]
- The Golden Rule of Online Dating Photos - The Good Men Project (blog) - June 26th, 2017 [June 26th, 2017]
- The Golden Rule Manila Bulletin News - Manila Bulletin - June 26th, 2017 [June 26th, 2017]
- A golden rule from Golden, CO: Please stop driving so loudly - 9NEWS.com - June 30th, 2017 [June 30th, 2017]
- Following the Golden Rule will help keep everyone safe while out enjoying the lakes this summer - Stanly News & Press - June 30th, 2017 [June 30th, 2017]
- Profiting from the Golden Rule - Valdosta Daily Times - July 3rd, 2017 [July 3rd, 2017]
- Sheriff's Tips: The Golden Rule - American Rifleman (press release) (blog) - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]
- OPINION: The 'Golden Rule' in the face of a negative climate - Petoskey News-Review - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]
- Golden Rule boat sails to Sacramento promoting nuclear ban | The ... - Sacramento Bee - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]
- Promoting civility and practicing the Golden Rule every day - The Hill (blog) - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]
- Golden Age Design Pops up at the Golden Rule in Excelsior - Midwest Home Magazine (registration) (blog) - July 14th, 2017 [July 14th, 2017]
- Is the Golden Rule Still Golden? - HuffPost - August 6th, 2017 [August 6th, 2017]
- Following the Golden Rule - Register Pajaronian - August 6th, 2017 [August 6th, 2017]
- Religion column: Follow the 'Golden Rule' - Daily Press - August 6th, 2017 [August 6th, 2017]
- Golden Rule Peace Boat moors in Monterey on voyage against nuclear weapons - Monterey County Herald - August 25th, 2017 [August 25th, 2017]