Just because you do not follow a relgion doesn't mean you don't share common values with those who do, Ken Gallinger tells a reader. ( dreamstime )

How is one to conduct themselves at a funeral when one doesnt practice the religion? I am a 55-year-old atheist. I know many elderly people and, as a result, have attended more than the average number of funerals. In the past I went through the motions of standing and sitting when instructed but never sang or participated in any responses. I am at the point now where even that feels wrong; I am not being true to my atheistic beliefs. Is there a right way to handle this?

OK, so Im puzzled. What, exactly, are atheistic beliefs?

Please understand: I ask not as a critic, but as a fellow traveller. Many would describe my own faith as atheistic. I prefer the expression post-theistic but the distinction, as my dad used to say, is the difference between damn and swearing.

So I know first-hand what atheists dont believe. We dont believe that, somewhere in the faraway heavens, there is a being named God who spends his time meddling in human lives, punishing evildoers and getting those he likes off airplanes before they crash. We dont believe that the earth was handmade by a heavenly potter, or that a distant deity decides the winner of the World Series. We also, incidentally, dont believe in unicorns or the Loch Ness monster.

But what do atheists believe? Is there a creed that distinguishes legitimate atheism from, say, lapsed Catholicism, cultural Judaism or secular Islam? If so, Ive never found it.

I do, however, know a few atheists. We dont talk about religion much but, judging by their lives, my atheist friends seem to believe that love is better than hate, relationships are more important than possessions, building up is preferable to tearing down, peace is more noble than war. My atheist friends are, in general, driven by a conviction that the earth is sacred, life is precious, and beauty, joy and hope should be the goals of their lives.

Are those your beliefs? If not, well, youre correct; youll feel uncomfortable in most religious services. You probably should stay home.

But if you do believe these things, you should feel comfortable in almost any religious gathering, funeral or otherwise, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, traditional Spirituality, or whatever. Yes, yes in all of those communities there are a few fundamentalists who will judge your atheism harshly, but setting them aside (which, trust me, is the right response), worship in the worlds main religions celebrates and lifts up exactly the same values that you espouse.

Sure, you may hear some God-language. Big deal; it wont hurt you. You may also hear a poem in which the hills are said to be singing. Or a hymn in which the stars are alive with joy. Someone may read a sacred text that celebrates the wonders of heaven. So what? Thats all poetry, and, viewed as such, its quite lovely.

So go with the flow. Let the music wash over you. Enjoy the poetry. Weep with the passion of a good eulogy. Honest, you wont catch religion just by being in a church; I was in one every day for 45 years and escaped unscathed better for the experience, in fact. And so will you.

Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca

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How should an atheist behave at a religious funeral - Toronto Star