I'm a queer cis lady in love with a trans man. We may look straight, but we're not and neither of us is interested in seeming that way.

My boyfriend is trans.

Thats right, he was assigned "girl" at birth. If you met him today, and you didnt know that, wow, gee whiz, this is the guy Cait is writing about, youd have absolutely no clue. This is a problem and a gift.

Lets start with the positive. Jae is my soul mate. I know that is perhaps the corniest thing that youve read thus far today. Go with it. When we met, I was in the process of emerging from a crappy breakup and, as I often did, sleeping around to get some distance from my pain. Ive been in good relationships and Ive been in bad ones, and Ive done some deep digging. For years, I had been waiting to meet the person who I could get down with for the adventure called life.

Jae is that person. Sweet! Win! In addition to our mutual love of the outdoors, long conversations about spiritual enlightenment, yoga, hot chocolate, and vegan, hippie-ass pizza, Jae and I connect on queerness.

Yes, queerness even though we look like a hetero couple.

Backreel the tape. Ive been attracted to both boys and girls as long as I can remember. When I was 5, my best friend Hannah and I kissed on the bus. She proceeded to deny the event to a group of our friends, and I distinctly remember the differentness of how I felt, the crushed shock. I came out as gay when I was 18, and two out of my three major relationships were with women. Here was the problem; I was and am very much attracted to men. I dated men. I slept with men. Men are great. But this attraction has caveats. For me, there are two issues at play, the first of which is that many cis men have deeply inquired into my sex life with women and my identity as queer in a way that feels voyeuristic and creepy.

But the second, bigger issue is the people in my life who have clearly (or passive- aggressively, take your pick) wished that I would just pick a nice boy. No, no one ever said that. But the implication, the feeling was there; it felt like dating women was a phase that I would outgrow. Unlike that of my fantastic and fabulously gay sister, who was unquestionably and only attracted to women since she hit puberty, my queerness was more elusive. I am a feminine lady who really likes the color pink and mascara as a concept. I also have hairy armpits. In my grad school class cohort, which is overwhelmingly straight, I feel like my queerness sticks out like a sore thumb. It is subtle but present and a big deal in my life. It is not going away.

So when I met Jae, a man who appreciates and understands my queerness in the best of ways, it was pretty fucking thrilling. And then it set in: we look hella straight. We do. Here we are, the queer kids on the block, this T-injecting, vagina/manvag thats the word we use for one of his parts loving couple, looking straight. Yo, whats up.

But were not straight. Im not straight. Its important to me that you know.

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