HUMOR by Michael Breger | Feb 19 2015 | 15 hours ago

Do you seek a free flowing state of mind, spiritual harmony and karmic balance but cant fit it in your busy schedule? Having trouble cultivating your identity in relation to the vast cosmic nothingness? Concerned about crafting an inner reality untrammeled by the limitations and judgments of those around you? Need to supplement the recent acquisition of your yoga pants with a sense of profound tranquility? Look no further.

No longer must you be a careful and thoughtful reader of classical Buddhist texts to achieve profound serenity and insight. Thanks to the joint efforts of Starbucks and the Contemplative Sciences Center at the University of Virginia, you can now use your hard earned dollars (plus dollars also accepted) to achieve enlightenment at any participating Starbucks location.

Lets be real this is the 21st century, and nobody has the time to reach a sense of serenity that can be sustained effortlessly for hours on end. No longer do you need to spend a lifetime of quiet reflective meditation and mindful compassion to achieve the potentiality of your being. All you need to do is ask your certified barista/spirit guide for a piping hot cup full of spiritual awakening.

Our baristas will serve up a venti dose of artisanal no self, the fundamental Buddhist tenet that mental and physical things including our own conception of self do not exist as permanent, single, substantial entities. Finally! A pragmatic solution for the multidimensional spiritual being of the modern age!

With each mindful sip you will experience waves of inner peace and tranquility wash over your body and essence, cleansing your scattered thoughts and leaving you feeling confident and beautiful. Experience breathtaking vistas of universal emptiness, with luminous visions of webs of Buddhas extending from complex cosmological visions of purelands and galaxies, to inner Buddha natures within life. Use these revelations to impress that cute alternative girl/guy in your hot yoga class. With your newfound infinite wisdom, your liberal arts degree will be filled with meaning and practicality.

Step aside, Kaplan. The mental clarity and focus gained from enlightenment will culminate in attention that can be sustained effortlessly for hours on end. This will boost your ability to use reason and analysis in conjunction with calm and visions of the fractal truths that lie hidden to the nonbelievers. Now you can brag to mom about your ~transcendent~ LSAT score.

The world is full of suffering, but now you can bypass all that troublesome business and focus on the important stuff like sorting your Gmail inbox and living amongst the eternal now. Order yours with wheatgrass, chia or an extra pump of void-awareness. Nirvana is now gluten-free. No need to worry about misspelt names on cups once you realize your name is merely an abstraction of your spiritual essence!

Melt away your false perceptions of reality (and your hangover) with a refreshing cup of enlightenment. Only 100 calories! If you want to save even more time, download the Instanirvana app, where you can spend your meditation credits to pay with your phone, bypass those pesky lines, play wacky games and download all kinds of helpful DLC. Instead of eyeing that chocolate chip scone, check out our new man buns, a clip on hairpiece for the aspiring urban guru in you! Also be sure to look out for our upcoming seasonal items including summer passionfruit prisms and pumpkin spice healing crystals.

(Side effects may include increased mindfulness of the body, sensations, consciousness and mental phenomena. Some customers have reported disconnection with temporal reality and reaching states of non-existence.)

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Fair trade enlightenment: now at participating Starbucks locations