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To get advice from Prudie, send questions for publication toprudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon.Submit your questions and comments herebefore or during the live discussion. Or call the Dear Prudence podcast voicemail at 401-371-DEAR (3327) to hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Dear Prudence,
I work full time but took a second part-time job to save money so my wife and I can remodel our house. Its small and cramped, and our three kids share a single room, so we really need more space. My wife runs a side business out of our home. My wifes parents support her sister financially because she refuses to work, and they often pressure my wife for money. Wed previously agreed that my wife could give them as much of her own income as she likes, but that the rest of our income is for our own needs.
You can probably guess what happened next: My sister-in-law stole her parents credit card to buy into a pyramid scheme and bought thousands of dollars worth of useless junk. They asked my wife to bail them out because they didnt want to press charges against her sister for identity theft, so she emptied out the account where wed been saving money to remodel our house. Thats $30,000, gone. Her parents promise theyll pay us back, but I know well never see that money again. Furious doesnt begin to describe how I feel. My wife says shes sorry but that theyre her parents. I quit my second job and told my wife she would have to figure out how to pay for the remodel. I also said that if she gives her parents another penny, I would leave. She cries and tells me Im being unfair. For almost two years I worked around the clock to save money for another room for our kids. I missed holidays and weekends. Housing prices are outrageous in our neighborhood. I cant figure out how to move forward from here. I love my wife, but I dont know if I can ever trust her again.
Sucker-Punched
This is a devastating betrayal, and I dont wonder that youre furious at your wife. Your wifes violation of your trust was not a small one, and it hurt not only you as her partner but all three of your children. Im glad you quit your second job and arent forcing yourself to fix the mess your wife and her relatives created. If you havent already set up an individual account that your wife cant touch, please do so. Its a necessary bit of financial independence that might make rebuilding trust easier. But given that youre already talking about leaving if she ever sends her parents money again (which seems likely), its probably a good idea to speak to a divorce lawyer. You dont have to commit to filing just to schedule a phone call, and it will be useful to learn what legal recourse you may have, if any, toward recovering some of your money. The answer may be simply Its gone forever, but it cant hurt to ask.
Im not so sure how you can rebuild trust if your wifes apology for stealing $30,000 included the justification but theyre my parents and shes already accusing you of treating her unfairly. But if youre interested in trying to rebuild trust before considering divorce, consider seeking out a couples counselor with experience treating couples dealing with financial mismanagement and betrayal. Regardless of what you do, remind yourself of the following: You cant trust someone who refuses to acknowledge what they did wrong and whos not committed to behaving differently in the future.
Danny M. Lavery is joined by Soleil Ho onthis weeks episodeof the Dear Prudence podcast.
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Dear Prudence,
I am an angry feminist who previously thought I was gay, and I have fallen (hard) in love with a straight, white, GOP-voting evangelical male. He is the most expressive person Ive even been with when it comes to telling me all the things about me that he loves and respects. He is fun and funny and sweet and tender, and the physical/sexual chemistry is like nothing Ive ever felt with a man. It is intoxicating and addictive, but am I doomed to fail because of our different social values?
Nervous From Jump
I think you knew when you wrote this that I cant possibly promise you that you and your boyfriend will never break up. It sounds like you want to think of your various social positions as grounding rather than disruptive: If an angry, previously gay feminist like me could fall for this guy, then it must be real love, the kind that lasts till the stars turn cold. You are free to date anyone you please, and its an unqualified good thing that your boyfriend respects you, loves you, and treats you well. The question facing you right now is not Do I have to give up this intoxicating sexual chemistry because an advice columnist disapproves of our relationship? but How do my boyfriend and I talk about our different values?
Its great that hes fun and funny and sweet and tender, and its great that youre having excellent sex. But those are all things you have in common (or at least things you agree on), so they dont have much bearing on your significant differences. How have you two talked about your different religious beliefs? How does he understand your sexuality? Are you feeling pressure, either internally or externally, to distance yourself from past relationships with women or your current ties to other queer people? Is he as expressive when he talks to you about his political commitments as he is when hes telling you how much he loves you? Does he think youre going to hell? Its not that his sweetness or sense of humor are worthless. Theyre real, and they matter! But theyre irrelevant to the question of Do we share compatible values? or even When we disagree over something meaningful, are we both able to listen respectfully and find a livable compromise? The most important thing to ask yourself is what failure might look like to you. Does it mean breaking up over oppositional, sincerely held beliefs? Or does it mean ignoring your differences, sanding down the edges of your personality, and looking the other way in order to keep the peace?
Dear Prudence,
Sarah is an acquaintance I met through a mutual friend, Abby. I try to keep my distance because Sarah always seems to be in one sort of crisis or another. A few weeks ago, Sarahs 20-year-old son, Chris, landed in the hospital after setting off illegal fireworks. His injuries werent life-threatening, but he does need follow-up care, and Abby recently texted me a link to a donation page Sarah had created to crowdfund his medical bills. Im lucky to still have a job right now, but I dont make a lot of money, and Im trying to save all I can to help support my parents, who have lost most of their income since the pandemic. Later she followed up with, Anything you can contribute would be great. Theyre really going through a lot right now. I said I couldnt send money because I needed to help my parents, but that Id be happy to send over meals or drive Chris to some of his medical appointments. Abbys response was, Wow. I dont think its asking that much to throw something Sarahs way.
I reiterated that I had no cash to spare but that I was willing to help in other ways. She said, You cant. That was five days ago, and she hasnt texted me since. We used to text every day, sometimes about substantive issues, and sometimes just goofing around. After a few days of silence I sent her a just saying hello text, but she didnt respond. What should I do? Try again? Wait for her to say something? Just assume Ive lost a 15-year friendship over this?
Closed-Wallet Policy
Dont let a 15-year friendship fizzle out without at least trying to have a substantive follow-up conversation. Give Abby a call and ask her whats bothering her. Is she really angry with you for volunteering to drive someone to a medical appointment? For having limited income and choosing to support your parents financially when theyre struggling? Either theres something else going on that shes not sharing, or shes overwhelmed with pandemic-related stress that she inappropriately took out on you, or she has wildly unrealistic expectations of her friends. Whatevers going on, you deserve to ask for a straight answer and to learn whether theres an opportunity to resolve this sudden chilliness.
Catch up on this weeks Prudie.
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Our 15-month-old son is generally a fun and easy kid. The only major problem is one for which his dad and I are basically to blame. Weve ended up being accidental cosleepers and dont know how to get ourselves out of it. We dont have any theoretical or developmental problems with cosleeping, but we have all sorts of personal problems with it: being pushed off the bed; waking up every time he moves; being kicked in the stomach (his dad) or literally becoming our sons pillow (me); and not being able to actually snuggle as adults.
Weve halfheartedly tried someextinctionmethods, but we cant seem to get them right, and his crying makes my head hurt so much. I know part of the problem is his crib, which still contains a rock-hard infant mattress. How can we remedy this situation before we wake up with a 12-year-old sleeping between us?
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My Wife Used Our Savings to Bail Her Family Out of a Pyramid Scheme - Slate
