Sometimes I wonder whether, if I married someone else, or if my husband and I followed a different paths, if I would have ended up having kids. I should note from the start that I'm not seeing this through the lens of regret. Quite the contrary. "What if" isn't always a sad, regretful scenario. I am extraordinarily lucky to have had the opportunities I've had, and there is no regret here.
It's a weird thing to wonder, though, especially since, in theory, someone determined to be a father would be incompatible with me, but it's something I'm thinking about while I'm feeling kind of nostalgic tonight.
My husband wanted kids when we got together. It was a really big issue early on in the relationship. I knew what I wanted, and it didn't involve kids. It's part of why I lost my best friend at the time, because she wouldn't stop insisting that I was being stupid by making it a deal-breaker issue.
But it was a deal-breaker. I wouldn't get engaged until I knew he understood that this would be a childless marriage. I needed to know he could live with that.
As the years went on, I wondered whether he'd have regrets. We've built a pretty amazing life for ourselves, which I think it part of why he hasn't wavered, and we talk about it a lot to make sure we're still on the same page. Thankfully, though, we remain solid and together, especially on this issue.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if we ended up on a different path, if we'd have looked at the idea of children differently. If we didn't have the money to travel, or the house we really love, would we have made different choices? What if we lacked the rich social life and the amazing groups of friends who keep us so busy?
What if he never went back to school and was still working customer service? This is, perhaps, the biggest what if of all. I never would have left my corporate job to become a freelancer. The risk would have been too great. We wouldn't have this house, certainly, and we wouldn't have traveled to the conventions we visit every year, and certainly we wouldn't have experienced other countries and cultures as we have, which means our world would be much, much smaller. We'd have less free time, and would be far less involved in the geek community where we've met so many friends.
If he never went back to school, our household income would be less than half of what it is right now, and that matters. One of us would likely have experienced a long stretch of unemployment during the last decade. This house would only exist in our dreams. We would still probably have only one cat and would likely be in the same apartment. Maybe we'd have bought a small house, but money would be a much bigger issue than it is today.
The question I ask myself is, without the travel, the cultural experiences, the amazing friendships that we've developed because we have been so fortunate, would we have looked differently on having kids?
In a lot of ways we'd have a lot less to lose, even though from a purely numbers standpoint we're much more equipped to raise a hypothetical family than we ever would have been. Would we have succumbed to the short burst of baby rabies I had a couple years ago?
Now, mind you, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I would be a different person if those were the choices life led me to make. But it's interesting to think about how vastly different our life would be if my husband never finished college. He earns well over twice what he earned when he left his job to go back to school, which has afforded me the luxury of working for myself.
I don't think our life would be worse if we followed another path, one where fulfilment came from family rather than cultural and travel experiences with each other. But it would be so very different. And I can see us ending up in a position where we the sacrifices involved with raising a kid weren't so bad.
It's interesting to think about, but I'm so glad we have the life we have, the friends and kids in our life that we have. As far as lives go, I ended up with a pretty great one.
More:
Childfree Me Reflections on my choice to be childless
- I'm childfree by choice after growing up scared of the idea of being a mum having kids is a selfish choice. - Yahoo Lifestyle UK - January 20th, 2024 [January 20th, 2024]
- 'Why my decision to be childfree might just be the most eco-conscious choice of all' - 9Honey - January 20th, 2024 [January 20th, 2024]
- I'm unmarried, childfree and it ruins Christmas - inews - December 22nd, 2023 [December 22nd, 2023]
- BBC Motherland cast now - Hollywood fame, childfree vow and husband's shock death - The Mirror - December 22nd, 2023 [December 22nd, 2023]
- Dear Prudence: My boyfriend's family tried to starve me. - Slate - September 13th, 2023 [September 13th, 2023]
- Round the Fire: A Love You Cant Defeat - Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO Weekly) - May 30th, 2023 [May 30th, 2023]
- 'Why Don't You Want Kids?' 'Because Apocalypse!' | WIRED - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Whether youre childless or childfree, you shouldnt have to talk ... - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Reddit's Childfree Community Has a Parent-Shaming Problem - The Daily Dot - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children - January 2nd, 2023 [January 2nd, 2023]
- People Are Loving How This Childfree Woman Clapped Back At "Friend ... - December 21st, 2022 [December 21st, 2022]
- Daemen University to Host Free Screening of Childfree by Choice Film - November 23rd, 2022 [November 23rd, 2022]
- Childfree People Are Sharing What It's Actually Like To Get Older Without Kids In The Picture, And Their Honesty Is So Refreshing - BuzzFeed - October 15th, 2022 [October 15th, 2022]
- 'Special Treatment': New Mom Dragged for Bringing Baby to Childfree Wedding - October 13th, 2022 [October 13th, 2022]
- The Reason Miley Cyrus Doesn't Want To Have Kids - msnNOW - October 13th, 2022 [October 13th, 2022]
- Why a safari holiday was the best way to say goodbye to our childfree life - The Telegraph - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Single and Not Ready to Mingle: The Discrimination Against Single Women in Singapore | Opinion - Newsweek - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Woman divorcing husband because he calls her sister 'his wife' - indy100 - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Woman Gives Up Career to Have Kids, On 3rd Wedding Anniversary Turns Out Her Husband Is Childfree Story of the Day - AmoMama - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- Woman Kicking Out Brother's Girlfriend and Kid for Lack of 'Respect' Backed - Newsweek - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- Guy Reveals He's Afraid To Have Kids In Today's Economy, People Chime In With Personal Stories - Bored Panda - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- 15 Awesome Reasons To Be Childfree By Choice - Bonobology.com - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- Verena Brunschweigers Do Childfree People Have Better Sex? Is A Lot ... - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- r/childfree - "...and most importantly, a mom." -NASA astronaut ... - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- 50 Parents Get Raw And Honest About What They Regret About Having Kids - Bored Panda - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- Nearly 40% of Americans Think $500K Is Enough To Retire -- Are They Wrong? - GOBankingRates - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- I really need some hand holding. I'm a beginner and need help with budgeting and investing. Whats my first step? - MarketWatch - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- doctors - childfree - reddit - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- INTERNATIONAL CHILDFREE DAY - August 1, 2023 - National Today - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Childfree Woman Wonders If She's A Jerk For Refusing To Help Out ... - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Tubal Ligation and Vasectomy: Everything You Should Know - theSkimm - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Mother Freaks Out After Finding Out How Much Her Childfree Cousin Spent On A Vacation, Calls Her 'Disgusting' - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Woman Who Unpopularly Decided To Never Have Children Reflects On It Now That She's 85 Years Old - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Guy Comes Up With A Brilliant Plan To Intentionally Drink Before Family Gatherings To Dodge Babysitting Duties Which Usually Fall On Him - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Someone Wonders What's The Most Ridiculous Reason Your Child Had A Meltdown? And 50 Parents Give Hilarious Answers - Bored Panda - September 3rd, 2022 [September 3rd, 2022]
- Children? More than 1 in 5 U.S. adults dont want them - Marin Independent Journal - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- People Who Decided Not To Have Kids Share How Their Lives Turned Out (30 Posts) - Bored Panda - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Pros and Cons: Why You May (or May Not) Want To Rent Out Your Space - GOBankingRates - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Buyers and Sellers Have Retreated From The Housing Market For Now, Advisors Say - Financial Advisor Magazine - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- It's Time To End Stressful Partings, Home Pet Euthanasia Is Here - PRUnderground - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Living a 'childfree' life: 1 in 5 adults don't want to have kids - Study Finds - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- The Childfree Effigy: On Network's Diana and the Tropes That Betray Women - Literary Hub - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- 'I'm a Mother of Three, But I Never Wanted Children' - Newsweek - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- Women say they 'shouldn't have to beg' for a tubal ligation: 'Motherhood is absolutely not for me' - Yahoo Life - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- Disregard for human life and sexual responsibility is at the core of the pro-abortion movement - Washington Examiner - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- I grew up in a narcissistic family. I'm not having kids because I want the cycle to end - Salon - July 25th, 2022 [July 25th, 2022]
- Woman Divorces Her Husband Because He Suddenly Has A Child, Gets Called The Jerk - Bored Panda - July 25th, 2022 [July 25th, 2022]
- For respectful, encouraging, positive discussion about childfree lifestyle - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- What Is a Breeding Kink? How Unprotected Sex Became a Turn-On - VICE UK - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- Expert Investing Tips: Where To Start When Buying Stocks for the First Time - GOBankingRates - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- Permanent Birth Control Is in Demand in the U.S.But Hard to Get - Yahoo Life - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- 12 People Reveal The Things That Costs More For Women Than Men - ScoopWhoop - July 4th, 2022 [July 4th, 2022]
- Am I The Jerk For Bringing My Baby To A Child-Free Wedding? - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Responding to the Roe Rollback - Wealth Management - June 30th, 2022 [June 30th, 2022]
- The Economics of Abortion in a Post-Roe World - The Dispatch - June 22nd, 2022 [June 22nd, 2022]
- Susan Said She Hopes I Get Hit By A Car?: Discussion Ensues After Woman Shares How Being The Only Single Childless Person At Work Is Wild - Bored... - June 20th, 2022 [June 20th, 2022]
- What's a DINK? Here's what its like to be a couple that revels in having 'dual income, no kids' - Yahoo Philippines News - June 5th, 2022 [June 5th, 2022]
- Back In High School, Her Boyfriend Gave Up 2 Children For Adoption But He Kept This A Secret From Her - Chip Chick - May 31st, 2022 [May 31st, 2022]
- "Am I Wrong For Not Attending My Daughter's Gender Reveal For Her ... - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Childfree Humor: 35 Jokes And Memes By People Who Don't Regret Their Childfree Lifestyle - Bored Panda - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Dog Mom Vents About Being Excluded From Mother's Day Outing, Throws A Tantrum When Friend Tries To Explain That It's Not The Same As Having Children -... - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Comic Artist Captures the Daily Pressures of What It's Like To Be a Woman Today - My Modern Met - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Vicki Larson: Its time to get creative about what affordable housing means - Marin Independent Journal - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Motherhood isn't contingent on a romantic relationship. So why do we still treat it that way? - WBUR News - May 17th, 2022 [May 17th, 2022]
- Addressing the Global Stigma of Being Childfree - New Security Beat - May 15th, 2022 [May 15th, 2022]
- What if your future husband wants kids? One womans struggle to be sterilized at 24 - Yahoo News - May 15th, 2022 [May 15th, 2022]
- Portraits of Childfree Wealth by Jay Zigmont, PhD, CFP ... - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- The Family - Noba - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- Brighton and Hove News Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me - Brighton and Hove News - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts - Bored Panda - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- More women are saying no to motherhood more than ever - WXYZ 7 Action News Detroit - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- It's Time For The Best Parenting Tweets Of The Month, And Here Are 35 That Might Crack You Up - Bored Panda - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves - Freethought Blogs - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- This Dad Says Motherhood Has Changed His Wife for the Worse & Its Striking a Chord On Reddit - SheKnows - March 23rd, 2022 [March 23rd, 2022]
- Jessie Gurunathan: Stop asking me why I don't have kids - New Zealand Herald - March 23rd, 2022 [March 23rd, 2022]
- Pope Francis comments on parenthood are nothing new for ... - March 11th, 2022 [March 11th, 2022]
- Fighting Abortion Now Requires Fighting Increasing Hatred Of Children - The Federalist - March 8th, 2022 [March 8th, 2022]
- Parent-Of-2 Refuses To Attend Sister's Childfree Wedding ... - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]
- Lovers of sunshine and attention: Meet the dairy goats at Cheyenne Mountain Zoo - Colorado Springs Gazette - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]
- Mum perplexed as pal bans her from birthday party - after planning a trip away - The Mirror - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]