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Category Archives: Childfree

I’m childfree by choice after growing up scared of the idea of being a mum having kids is a selfish choice. – Yahoo Lifestyle UK

Posted: January 20, 2024 at 6:47 am

Storyful

A local neighborhood cowboy proved some heroes wear hats, not capes, as he lassoed and rescued a calf stuck on a frozen pond in Paragould, Arkansas, on January 18.Max Bishop is the source of this footage and told Storyful he raced over to his neighbors farm after receiving a call for help about a stranded calf.[My neighbor] drove me out to the pond and we found the best angle for a 70 fr throw and managed to get it roped and pulled across the ice, Bishop explained.I am known in our area as the go-to cowboy to get help if stock gets in trouble, this is the first one I have roped on top of the ice before, he added.Bishop said he was glad to see the calf alive, healthy, and back with its momma. Credit: Max Bishop via Storyful

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I'm childfree by choice after growing up scared of the idea of being a mum having kids is a selfish choice. - Yahoo Lifestyle UK

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‘Why my decision to be childfree might just be the most eco-conscious choice of all’ – 9Honey

Posted: at 6:47 am

'Why my decision to be childfree might just be the most eco-conscious choice of all'  9Honey

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I’m unmarried, childfree and it ruins Christmas – inews

Posted: December 22, 2023 at 7:51 pm

I'm unmarried, childfree and it ruins Christmas  inews

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I'm unmarried, childfree and it ruins Christmas - inews

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BBC Motherland cast now – Hollywood fame, childfree vow and husband’s shock death – The Mirror

Posted: at 7:50 pm

BBC Motherland cast now - Hollywood fame, childfree vow and husband's shock death  The Mirror

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Dear Prudence: My boyfriend’s family tried to starve me. – Slate

Posted: September 13, 2023 at 1:30 pm

Dear Prudence is Slates advice column. Submit questions here. (Its anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I dont preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before). What happened was the kids raided my food (it was in my pack) when the pantry snacks got locked up. Id brought enough food for me for five days; they went through everything in five hours! I got upset, and it was just a big joke to everyone. Then it seemed to become a game. If I set aside some peanut butter and celery, someone would eat it. Same for the oranges I put aside for breakfast (I got offered cereal and milk instead). I tried to get my boyfriend to drive me to a grocery store, and he told me it would take more than two hours one way and to lighten up. By the time I left, I wanted to cry. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about it. He tells me I was overreacting and it wasnt like Id starve out there. Is he right? Weve been together for nine months and talking about moving in together. I am having doubts.

Vegan Vacation

Dear Vegan,

If you were still there while you wrote this, I was going to ask if you needed someone to come rescue you and put out a call to our readers. These people tried to starve you to death! What would make this a tricky question would be if your boyfriends relatives were monsters and he was a nice guy who was just too timid to stand up to them. Instead, his relatives are monsters and so is he. Im a little saddened and concerned that that isnt clear to you, and that he has you wondering whether youre overreacting. I can sit here and tell you that youre absolutely not, but I think you need to hear it from others, too. Do you know five people of any age who are in happy relationships, or even single people who you think of as having good self-confidence? I want you to reach out to each of them and get their perspective.

They are all going to tell you that you are 100 percent right and your boyfriend is 100 percent wrong and that you deserve better. They might add that hell only treat you worse and worse as time goes on. I bet someone will throw in that his entire family is going to find a new thing to gang up on you about every season. I hope someone also mentions that nine months is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. Please work on understanding that you deserve to be treated with respect. And please never move in with someone who cant even be trusted to stand up for you in a fight over peanut butter and celery.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This weeks tricky situation is below.Submit your comments about how to approach the situation hereto Jene, and then look back for the final answerhereon Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I was in my late-twenties when I got together with my girlfriend. We met on trips to the pub after work (we worked at the same place, but not together), and I just found myself magnetically drawn to her all the time. When I told our colleagues we were dating, I heard all sorts of things about how wonderful she was, how much they all loved her basically, she was the most brilliant person in every room, and she was choosing me. Nothing had ever made me feel so loved and so confident.

Two years on and I am finding a flip-side to this. Friends of mine that shes got to know now text her more than they text me. People at parties ask me where she is and walk away if I say shes not coming. My young nieces and nephews will wrap her in hugs and will hardly acknowledge me. One friend has been with her boyfriend for 10 years and he never wanted to hang out with menow whenever we meet up, she passes on the message that he is coming and can I bring my girlfriend. The confidence that I first got from being the one chosen by the sun of every room shes in now just makes me feel like Im the guest star in my own relationship (actual words someone used to describe me). I obviously love that she fits in with my friends and family so well. How do I stop myself feeling Im being squeezed out of my own relationships?

Guest Star

Dear Prudence,

For years, I was adamantly childfree. I constantly heard how my mom was pushed out of her job after my older sister was born, and after becoming one of the few people from my high school to go to college, I heard stories from my friends who became SAHMs super young that convinced me that having kids would push me out of a job and deprive me of an identity. If my parents or relatives tried to pester me about kids, I would firmly say no.

Then four years ago, I realized I was bisexual, and I started dating my now-fiance soon after. She knew my feelings about children from the beginning of our relationship, and had always told me that the decision was ultimately my callshe loved her siblings kids, and had wanted to be a mom, but it wasnt an absolute dealbreaker. But when we started thinking about marriage, I realized that I want to be a mom with her. I talked a lot about it in therapy, and saw how my perception of having kids was affected by my upbringing. I had believed that having kids would automatically mean that I would be forced out of my own life and lose my identity, like I heard my mom and childhood friends complain so bitterly about.

When I discussed it with my fiance, we decided that we do want to have a child, probably through IVF. We also talked through who would carry the baby and made sure to consider how we would divide up household labor with a baby, especially because that was where so much of my hesitancy came from. And a year later, as our wedding approaches, I still feel really good about this plan. My issue? How to explain this to my family without coming off as rude, or confirming their biases about childfree people and making life more difficult for my cousins and siblings who have very valid reasons for not having children.

I know that the second I say that we plan on having a child, or when we actually get pregnant, my older relatives and my parents will constantly keep telling me how they always knew I couldnt resist it, when thats not what happened at all! I cant just say Mom, you telling me that my sister and I ruined your life messed up my perception of having children, but I finally worked through it! and expect nothing to happen, but I fear that Ill end up blurting it out due to sheer frustration. How can I handle this conversation maturely while not making things worse for those who actually dont want kids? Is there a script out there for this?

Irritated by the Inevitable

Dear Irritated,

Think of this as practice for after you have a child, when youll inevitably receive an onslaught of weird, unhelpful, judgmental, downright wrong commentary and feedback from loved ones: Just let your relatives say what theyre going to say. Imagine the words coming out of their mouth, floating up into the air, and then quickly evaporating without ever getting into your head. With minimal enthusiasm, say Thanks for sharing. Who knows, You may have a point, or just change the subject. Or if you wanted to get a little dig in, you could cheerfully say, You were right all along! I probably would have changed my mind sooner if Id known I could have a child without losing my identity. I wish someone would have told me or shown me. But alls well that ends well, right? Either way, you cant be responsible for overthrowing societys procreation expectations alone, and anyway, people are allowed to change their minds! Focus yours on building the family you want, and try to ignore the told you so noise.

Dear Prudence,

Im somehow 30 but having a problem I havent had since 17: having a crush on a straight friend. Last year, a grad school friend Tara moved back to my city, and we developed one of those ultra-close, more than slightly homoerotic friendships that I had in high school. I realized pretty quickly that I was becoming romantically attached, but I cant figure out how to take a step back to kill the crush without killing the friendship. Tara may or may not be actually straight (its very hard to tell), but either way shes publicly interested in men, and this is clearly not going anywhere healthy for me. My teen-self would cling to this until it imploded, but I know I can do better as an adult. How, though?

Trying to Get Untangled

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Dear Untangled,

Great news that Tara isnt actually in a relationship right now. In whatever way is easiest for youin a text message, while on a walk so you dont have to look her in the eye, right before you leave town for a while so you can have some space if it doesnt go wellyou have to talk to her. I know, its terrifying! But the advice I always give to straight men is that its weird and a little creepy to be friends with someone who you actually want more from, so I feel its only fair to apply that rule here. Im also hopeful about how it could turn out! Best case scenario: She returns your feelings, and you two live happily ever after. Second-best case scenario: Shes understanding and thanks you for telling her, and sharing your secret takes some of the steam out of your crush and it eventually fades. Worst case scenario: The friendship ends and you survive, knowing that it isnt sustainable to have a fake platonic relationship with someone when you arent actually satisfied by it.

I am six months sober and feeling healthier and happier than I have in decades. The first few months were challenging and emotional, but Im working with my sponsor and a therapist to continue to heal from my traumatic past. A friend of mine recently confronted me about feeling uncomfortable around me in my newfound sobriety. She said she feels as though I am too dependent on her for support and that she doesnt trust me

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Round the Fire: A Love You Cant Defeat – Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO Weekly)

Posted: May 30, 2023 at 12:10 am

It is said that when a woman has a baby her DNA changes with the creation blooming inside her. She is forever shifted and connected primordially to this new soul. I was 42 when I had my first, and only son. Nothing has gone as planned.

I have always wanted to be a mom but did not think it would happen for me. I married at 38, and we were not sure if a child was an option or if we even wanted to be parents. My mind was already damaged from all the years of social work. I knew exactly what was going on in the world and was unsure I wanted to bring a life into that energy.

We watched our friends families begin, and it was an amazing experience to see growth from the people I love. We knew it would be difficult because I was older and not in the best of health with obesity and some managed health issues. We began our attempts, which lasted about six months before we gave up and I accepted that it was not meant to be for us.

My husband and I decided to plan our future with travel and adventure so we booked our first trip into the woods for our anniversary in June. We would eat, drink, stay naked all day, create, and hang with mother nature to toast to our newly defined future.

I found out that I was pregnant a month before we were to embark on our woodsy celebration of being childfree creatives. When I told my husband, he could not speak and probably saw his, or my death, flash before his eyes. He was speechless, and unnerved. I was not afraid.

I have always wanted to accept life as it was presented to me, and to strive for blessings in whatever situation I found myself in, even if it meant not getting what I wanted or causing strife and challenge to the journey.

For us, our son Vincent, was simply meant to be.

Pregnancy came easy for me aside from some changes in my palate. I was monitored relentlessly for the high risks of being an older mother. For the first time in my life, I felt the feeling of not being alone in the most symbiotic way. This baby relied on me for everything and I spoke to him often a constant dialogue that continues now that hes 12. I shared my fears that I was too old to give him the energy needed for motherhood, and shared my excitement over who he would become. We were both evolving into a new world that was a family.

My scheduled and induced delivery was set and turned into the most unnatural experience of my life. I just wanted both of us to survive. I labored for three days, had different doctors probing around my nether regions, strange devices inserted that meant to force dilation, and chemicals to induce progression for natural delivery. I came to the solution that my cervix was petrified with age as I never progressed beyond four centimeters. It was a nightmare, and my doctor was leaving for vacation to Australia. It was evident that he had already left in his mind.

My husband was reaching critical mass on day three, ready to slam the doctor into the wall for the neglect, but the physician was already on a plane.

Vincents heartbeat weakened and a whole team of people rushed in, rolling me around like bread dough to get the heartbeat back. At that point, Id had enough, did what Ive had to do all of my life without fail and stood up for myself. I demanded to speak to the legal department about why the medical staff was not moving forward with surgery. My politeness left my soul. I found myself in a queue of women also waiting for their surgeries. I distinctly remember thinking this was like waiting at Jiffy Lube for an oil change.

Finally, Vincent came via emergency cesarean by an OB/GYN Id never met.

The only voice I heard throughout was the anesthesiologist. He got me past all the fears that I was not numb enough, and stayed with me through the surgery. I do not remember seeing my husbands face but I had seen many births before and knew he would be forever changed by the experience.

After the tiger cub scream that told the world a new soul was here, Vincent was shown to me like a puppet from behind the sheet separating my head from my body, and then whisked off for all the usual tests and documentation.

I knew at that moment something was going wrong inside me. I felt like I was suffocating. I shared my fears and the voice of the anesthesiologist continued to keep me calm. The countdown for stitches and instrument accountability filled the room. They were in a hurry and I wanted to get off that table and hold my baby.

After some time in recovery, I got my wish. I looked into his squinty eyes and laid him on my chest to make sure he remembered the body that housed him. I could feel myself change as I began healing and bonding with this new little person. My body, forever changed from the experience, was entering another, more perilous journey. This was just the tip of the iceberg.

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Round the Fire: A Love You Cant Defeat - Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO Weekly)

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‘Why Don’t You Want Kids?’ ‘Because Apocalypse!’ | WIRED

Posted: January 22, 2023 at 12:16 am

This story is part of a week-long series on reproduction, from prenatal testing to male birth control.

Are you pregnant yet? Dont you like kids? Well, its different when its your own child. Being a parent is the most important job in the world. Youre being a bit selfish. What if your parents had decided not to have you? Speaking of your parents, isnt it cruel to deny them the joy of grandchildren? Besides, who will take care of you when you get old? Youre just saying that because youre young. Youll change your mind. Your biological clock is ticking! What if your kid cured cancer?

If you dont have kids and dont want them, apologies: Youve heard this all before from well-meaning relatives, friends, coworkers, cashiers, taxi drivers, crossing guards. If you do have kids and youve said anything like the above, the childfree community would like to let you know that youre not being as thoughtful and caring as you (maybe) mean to be.

See, all of those questions and statements are forbidden by the bylaws of popular subreddit r/childfree, where theyre known as bingos: clich phrases parents say in an effort to convince the childfree that their decision is wrong, and that they are shirking their societal duty by not reproducing. The subreddit is a forum to vent about being antagonized by mombies and daddicts. More importantly, its a place for users to speak openly about choice, offer stories and support to others, and share advice about how to respond to bingos or convince doctors to sterilize them.

By now, some of you might be forming a hard nugget of disapproval for the snarky childfree redditors. Youre far from alone: Multiple sociological studies have found that voluntary childlessness often sparks immediate disdain and moral outrage, even from total strangers. The stigma knows no race, religion, gender, or border. Researchers have found similar negative judgements of childfree adults everywhere from India to Italy to Israel. (If youre having trouble imagining the hostility, try typing childlessor even better, childless millennialinto Google.)

Still, fertility rates in the United States (and everywhere else) continue to drop. And contrary to certain hypotheses, voluntarily childfree people seem to rarely regret their choice. r/childfree has nearly half a million subscribers, and similar communities exist on just about every social media platform.

For the childfree, the reasons to consider childfreedom extend beyond baby hatred, questions of bodily autonomy, or suboptimal finances. Concerns go broader, ranging from the economy to politics to climate. We basically have 12 years until the planet is an apocalyptic hellscape, says Justine, a longtime r/childfree member in her early thirties. We aren't as lucky as our parents, and they seem to have no idea how much more difficult it is to get by for us than it was for them.

When responding to crusading parents who might try to convince them out of their stance, many childfree people use prepared scripts, formed by years of entertaining the same inquiries. They know theyre working against ingrained biases: The childfree are keenly aware that they are prefigured in the eyes of most as a band of entitled, disrespectful millennials, trading tradition for self-interest.

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'Why Don't You Want Kids?' 'Because Apocalypse!' | WIRED

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Whether youre childless or childfree, you shouldnt have to talk …

Posted: at 12:16 am

In recent years, Ive heard members of the older generation complain that it is no longer considered acceptable to ask a younger person whether or not they have children. Its true that this isnt polite, especially during small talk with a stranger. They may as well be saying: So, tell me all about the inner workings of your/your partners uterus.

Personally, I used to dread this question, even more so when it was framed as, Do you have a family? Of course I do, I just havent birthed any of them. Peoples feelings on procreation are often complicated, sometimes painful, and always deeply personal. In the context of increasing panic about the birthrate, the question of having children or not, as it may be is even more loaded, because it intersects with so many other factors in our lives: health, finances, employment status, gender or sexuality, housing, relationship status, and so on. These are not things you necessarily want to delve into over the course of a casual conversation.

Or, perhaps revolutionary as it might sound you simply dont want to have children, and its your right to not want to discuss that or be interrogated about that.

The fact that the word childless seems to be going out of fashion is largely to be celebrated. It positions having a child as the default, and has the power to be intensely wounding. As a word, it carries with it a feeling of lacking, when that is certainly not everyones experience. This stigma is why the term childfree is increasingly becoming the default in media reporting after being popularised on internet messageboards in recent years.

I was interested in how people without children may feel about that, so Ive been asking them on- and offline whether they see the use of childfree as an improvement. People who had chosen not to have children generally preferred to be referred to as childfree, but those whose childlessness was involuntary, due to infertility, bereavement or life circumstances, felt erased by it. Many complained that both terms positioned having children as the default, when it shouldnt be (Im just a woman living life, said one respondent). Why define by deficit? Indeed, Id say the overwhelming majority disliked both words, with one being seen as stigmatising and the other gleeful and nasty in its implication that parents somehow need liberating.

Others took issue with the term childfree because it has become the chosen moniker for an online community with a too often misogynistic undercurrent, according to several I spoke to. I checked out a few subreddits, and luckily my skin is as thick as rhinos hide after more than a decade of newspaper journalism, because some of what I read was pretty unpleasant, including several threads about people finding pregnant women disgusting and how looking at them makes them feel sick. Sobering reading for someone who was pregnant at the time.

After reading these forums, and then cleansing my palate with several videos of babies and kittens interacting, I can understand why a person without children may not want to be associated with a community that often expresses strong dislike, even hate, for children and their parents. I can understand why communities for those who have difficult feelings about pregnancy (including phobias) need to exist, but some comments were profoundly misogynistic.

After all, we are all part of a collective and a community, and not having your own children doesnt mean that your life is childfree, and that the people you love havent made a different choice to your own. There are many ways to care for children, from being an uncle or godparent to fostering, step-parenting, volunteering or working with them. Perhaps we need to focus less on the act of having a child and more on the act of parenting.

Theres also the fact that, for many people, including myself before I became a mother, we are neither childless nor childfree, but hover somewhere in between or oscillate between the two. I have had days where I have spent time with a baby and felt desperately, profoundly childless, only to take to the dancefloor that evening after a dangerous fourth martini and feel blissfully, hedonistically childfree. Perhaps thats one reason why when absolutely necessarily doesnt have children is the kindest, most neutral descriptor we can hope for. Though we can also hope to be moving away from ones parenting status needing to be defined at all, especially for women, who still face this question far more frequently than men. Language matters, and as ever it often says more about us and our assumptions than we realise.

What is working: My response to the mother of all impertinent of questions has often proved very effective, so I thought I might share it here. Thats a very personal question, I reply, looking the querent dead in the eye. It usually has the desired effect.

What isnt: At risk of causing paroxysms of revulsion among the childfree Reddit community from being forced to imagine the following scene, I had the most appalling bath while heavily pregnant: lukewarm, as medically recommended (I used my husbands homebrew thermometer to check it was below 37C). The baby first kicked to the Adagietto in Mahlers Fifth, so I thought Id try the whole symphony, not realising how bellicose and bombastic it was. Are you OK in there? my husband asked, as I sat in a cold bath listening to a cacophony of trumpets. You sound like you should be piloting a spitfire.

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Reddit’s Childfree Community Has a Parent-Shaming Problem – The Daily Dot

Posted: at 12:16 am

I was eight years old the first time someone disparaged me for not wanting children.

I was surrounded by my cabinmates at church camp, each of them excitedly describing the names, personalities, genders, and number of kids they dreamt of. I shrugged when it was my turn to talk. Kids werent really on my to-do list, I said. Thats when an adult male staffer chimed in.

You should be ashamed to say you dont want kids, he told me. Thats Gods biological purpose for a womans existence.

The room went silent. My cheeks flushed. I laughed uncomfortably. Youre probably right, I said, anxious to direct everyones attention away from me. Even then, though, some part of me wondered why a thirty-something-year-old man thought it was acceptable to express his views about a little girls future reproductive choices.

But his unsolicited opinion would be one of many more to come. My unwavering stance against having kids has been met again and again with varying levels of condescension, scandalized horror, and everything in between.

Imagine, then, my delight over a decade later upon recently stumbling across r/childfree, a subreddit dedicated to those who do not have and do not ever want children (whether biological, adopted, or otherwise).

After a quick skim, it seemed that r/childfree would rapidly become one of my favorite subreddits. I saw a post from an 85-year-old widow sharing how she lived a long, fulfilling, and childfree life. Another celebrated Jennifer Aniston for standing up for not wanting kids. One r/childfree member posted a victorious selfie after having her tubes removed, followed by many uplifting comments. There were a lot of jokes about having financial freedom, all harmless.

A deeper examination, however, uncovered an unsettling amount of vitriol toward parents and children alike, despite the subreddits rule against jokes/making fun of violence/harm towards kids. Some of the subreddits unique slang is especially dehumanizingmembers frequently call parents breeders (dads are also daddicts and moms are mombies), and kids are often referred to as crotch-goblins or fuck trophies, thus giving off the impression that some members of r/childfree are enraged by the mere existence of children.

While r/childfree moderators have even made sure to clarify the proper use of this slang in the subreddits FAQ, casual members seem to use it liberally, regardless of context. For example, the FAQ deliberately makes a distinction between entitled parents (breeders) and responsible parents (PNB, parents, not breeders).

However, r/childfree members seem to use the derogatory terms far more often than acronyms like PNB. While the subreddit is primarily a space for venting rather than for praise, the scathing language is still jarring.

SailorMercure, who has moderated r/childfree on and off since August of 2015, defended the subreddits widely used terms. They called the slang innocuous, pointing out that the language is not used in real life and is merely shorthand for terrible people.

Just like other rant-based subreddits call wrongdoers names, we call bad parents and ill-raised children names as well, SailorMercure told the Daily Dot. The same way a cashier wouldnt call a tyrannic customer an old bat to their face because it is rude and hurtful but would rant on r/TalesFromRetail, people dont call bad moms mombies to their face as well but they will do so on r/childfree.

Language aside, r/childfree members also frequently criticize low-income or mentally or physically ill people who choose to have children. These judgments on who should or shouldnt have children alarmingly resemble the ideas of eugenics, or selective breeding (and sterilization) of certain populations for a favored genetic composition.

After a bit of digging, I realized I wasnt the only one put off by this rhetoric.

One redditor even broached the controversy by posting in r/childfree itself; another sparked a site-wide debate on the contention surrounding the subreddit. While some debate participants argued the harmlessness of ranting about annoying parents and children, most emphasized the danger of negative attitudes toward families. Many redditors also linked some r/childfrees more aggressive posts and comments.

These problems have spurred active r/childfree members to distance themselves from the subreddit in the last five to six years. One such redditor, user borborborbor, had joined r/childfree after years of seeking medical sterilization, during which shed been dismissed and condescended to repeatedly.

It took years of doctors to get the tubal approved, borborborbor told the Daily Dot. I left a few visits so angry, so disappointed, that I would be quietly, uncontrollably crying as I walked homeThen, I stumbled on [r/childfree] when I was looking for like-minded people. In the early days of my involvement there, Id mostly just weigh in with support on peoples posts when they were in similar situations to me. Wed encourage each other.

Even though borborborbor initially found solace in r/childfree, the tone of the subreddit gradually transformed before her eyes.

Childfree was a place that felt more driven by women, at least at first, borborborbor said. But more and more, men were posting, hoisting up this flag of childfree as some sort of better-than-thou rally call. The comments on [these posts] quickly devolved into people flaunting how much better they were than their friends who had kids.

Another redditor, Jes, was an enthusiastic member of r/childfree until they realized theyd gotten swept up in the subreddits culture.

I think what pulled me in was the colorful stories of the poster having a horrid experience involving some mombie and her menagerie of unruly crotch goblins, Jes told the Daily Dot. I went from Huh, it does sound like it sucks to have kids to Goddammit, why are these children in Walmart existing near me? I admit I absorbed a lot of those ways of thinking and began to express those same attitudes.

Jes ended up abandoning r/childfree after being called out for such rhetoric, and says they have since grown to develop less aggressive views on parents and children.

There was a couple who were trying to raise money to adopt a kid, and I said some pretty asshole-ish and unfair things, Jes said. My thought being, Why the hell would you try to have kids if you cant afford it? Lets just say I was promptly schooled in why I was being a dick. It took a lot of wound licking before What did I do wrong? became Wow, I was an asshole.

Many r/childfree enthusiasts are aware of the criticism frequently leveled at the subreddit but defend their right to express their beliefs, pointing out the cathartic nature of ranting.

Im not going to pretend this sub doesnt have its share of assholes, active r/childfree member sleepykelvina told the Daily Dot. But I think a lot of people look at r/childfree and just see a lot of angry, frustrated people complaining about kids and parenthood and just stop there. What they dont realize is that this subreddit is a safe space to talk about all the cultural baggage that comes with being childfree. Youre getting this ultra-condensed dose of kvetching about kids because its one of the few places you can express those views.

Sleepykelvina also pointed out that while r/childfrees less palatable posts garner significant attention, members often genuinely help those who flock to their online community.

Weve had mothers with postpartum depression come to our subreddit, spilling their guts about how they cant bond with their babies, sleepykelvina said. We end up counseling people contemplating leaving their partners because the other person just assumed they would change their mind about kids. A lot of these people need to be in therapy, but you cant even count on getting a therapist who wont judge you for being childfree.

Many r/childfree members seem to identify as part of a marginalized group for facing such judgment. Its not that childfree women dont frequently deal with microaggressions ranging from pithy guilt trips (Dont you want to give your parents grandchildren?), to pressure from non-childfree partners, to the occasional difficulty with finding part-time work accommodations. A 2016 study found that most people still take moral offense at the childfree lifestyles infringement of social norms. I can attest that this enduring social stigma is demoralizing, tiring, and fundamentally hurtful.

However, the childfree community is not at a systemic disadvantage because of its chosen lifestyle. On the contrary, were actually spared the endless struggles of women who are pregnant or have had children.

Injustice toward non-childfree women is so pervasive, there are multiple terms for it: pregnancy discrimination and family responsibilities/caregiver discrimination. Furthermore, a recent study showed that the gender wage gap is less a result of gender discrimination and more of a penalty for having children. The study estimates that this child penalty accounts for 80% of the wage gap, costing mothers a large chunk of their livelihoods and lending a whole new meaning to the phrase mommy tax. Pregnant women experience more hostility, are offered less raises and promotions, and are more likely to be fired.

Things are even worse for non-white women. While women of color certainly face an inordinate amount of cultural and familial pressure to have children, theyve also been historically targeted by the U.S. governments many bouts of forced sterilizationmaking r/childfrees questionable discourse regarding who is fit to reproduce all the more distasteful. Black and Indigenous women especially suffered from these eugenics programs, making the act of giving birth a personally radical one for many Black and Brown women.

In the end, the misogyny childfree and non-childfree women experience isnt a contest; both sets of experiences are valid. For this reason, the existence of childfree platforms are not only justified but necessary.

Enter r/truechildfree, a more positive childfree community that, exists as an alternative to r/childfree and is filled with relevant informative links, advice threads, and wholesome conversations about living childfree. Several members migrated from r/childfree to this smaller community, finding that r/truechildfree is, as its moderator ClassyAnalViolator told the Daily Dot, a pleasant place that [doesnt] have name-calling or shaming or other hateful/hurtful things.

Unfortunately, r/truechildfree isnt quite as active as r/childfree, but other childfree communities do exist online. The Childfree Pubhosts everything from casual discussions to rants. NotMom.com offers several resources for childfree people in addition to a childfree discussion forum. Childfree, an open Facebook group, houses over 8,000 childfree people who share childfree stories, memes, and more. Most of these communities have links to even more childfree groups and sites, so theres no shortage of choices online.

However, if a bustling Reddit community is ultimately what you want, SailorMercure did point out that r/childfree gives redditors the option to opt out of all the rants and instead focus on the subreddits encouraging and educational content.

One click on the NO RANT or NO BRANT button, and everything that makes the sub an easy target for generalized disdain and contempt disappears, SailorMercure said. It becomes evident why the sub exists: to support, to comfort, to inform, and to share with like-minded people who are part of a social minority.

Despite its problems, the online childfree community is as diverse as it is largely beneficial, helping to remove the stigma against choosing not to have kids. After all, if more non-childfree folks were familiar with the movement, maybe I wouldnt have had to receive the first stamp on my childfree Bingo card at the tender age of eight.

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Reddit's Childfree Community Has a Parent-Shaming Problem - The Daily Dot

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Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children

Posted: January 2, 2023 at 6:09 am

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For as long as anyone can remember, the Australian domestic dream has been depicted as a couple with 2.4 kids and a white picket fence. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, however, not only is one in four households already child-free in 2022, but its predicted that between next year and 2029, the number of couples living without children will overtake the number of couples who have kids.

Not to be confused with childlessness (childless by circumstance), the reasons couples are increasingly opting out of parenthood are varied. One study by Melbournes Deakin University found a lack of maternal instinct was common among respondents who didnt want children, yet a desire for independence and career opportunity, overpopulation and climate change pop up regularly in other surveys.

What does a life look like when you choose to remain childfree? Three couples share their journeys.

Trudie McConnochie, a 42-year-old freelance writer and editor, and her husband Matthew (surname withheld), a 42-year-old analyst, had their parenthood conversation soon after they met.

Trudie McConnochie says that for her and her husband Matthew, the benefits to living childfree have been immeasurable.

Matthew and I had the baby conversation on our third date. Maybe it was a little premature, but because we met when we were 36, I was aware that I couldnt be in a long-term relationship with a man who wanted something I knew wasnt for me. I also didnt want to take that away from someone who really wanted it. Fortunately, Matthew had already made the decision independently that fatherhood wasnt for him. I was thrilled to discover we were on the same page about what life for us could look like as a couple. We married 18 months ago.

Like most women of my generation, I spent my childhood and even my teen years assuming I would have children one day, because that was the societal expectation placed on us. It was only when I went to uni and became friends with someone older who said she wasnt going to have children that I realised I had a choice. Hearing her say that was such a revelation for me because until that point, I didnt realise you could opt out. That conversation got me thinking about what I wanted my future to look like, and the more I thought about it, the more I understood on a deep level that motherhood simply wasnt for me.

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The best way to articulate it is that it isnt a conscious decision; I certainly didnt make a list of pros and cons about finances, property or career projection. Its an intuitive call, a knowing.

When youre of childbearing age, there are plenty of people out there who feel entitled to interrogate you on what youre planning on doing with your reproductive organs and then make judgments based on your response. No matter how often I explained that my life choices werent a condemnation of their life choices, people seemed threatened by my less-than-conventional path. Theres also an idea that if you dont want to have children of your own and youre happily married, you mustnt like children very much. We love kids and adore our nieces, but just because we love spending time with them doesnt mean we want that for ourselves.

Im conscious of the fact that an increasing number of younger women are opting out of motherhood, and I can understand why. I cant say whats wrong or right for anyone else, but for Matthew and me, the benefits to living childfree have been immeasurable.

We have plenty of time to devote to creative projects and to travel. Theres so much more wed like to do and see.

Having met at a young age, Tenille Williams, a 35-year-old business owner, and Jamie Williams, a 33-year-old metal fabricator, were thrilled to discover they were on the same page where children were concerned.

Its incredibly offensive, says Tenille Williams of peoples criticism of her decision not to have children. But by the time you get to your mid-30s, you just learn to live with it, she says.

Perhaps its because we got together so young [the couple met in high school and have been together for 18 years], but Jamie and I never had to have any of those awkward should we or shouldnt we? conversations when it came to starting a family. As soon as I realised we were serious about each other, I told him that I never wanted to have children and said it would be a deal breaker for us if he did. Luckily, Jamie agreed and weve never looked back. Weve been happily married for 15 years.

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I knew motherhood wasnt for me from an early age, but when you make that kind of declaration in your teenage years, people tend to dismiss it. I cant tell you how many times I was on the receiving end of comments like, Youre too young to know what you want and, Youll get clucky when youre older. Now we hear things like, You dont know what real love is until you have children. Its incredibly offensive, but by the time you get to your mid-30s, you just learn to live with it.

I get asked all the time why were staying childfree, but I guess it really all comes down to the fact that we couldnt think of one good reason to have children. Over the years, Ive seen so many women and men struggle with the realities of parenthood, and quite a few seem to lose sight of who they used to be before they had children. I get the feeling it would be bad for our mental health. The environment also comes into play; considering what weve witnessed over the last few years with climate change and the pandemic, it reinforces our belief that were better off not bringing children into this world.

There are plenty of benefits to not having kids. Obviously, we have more time to enjoy together as a couple, more time for fun, hobbies and travel, and the ability to keep discovering who we are as individuals. We can also focus on building our careers and finances without having to worry about anyone else. I know full well that had we gone the traditional road, I would have been a stay-at-home mum and my options would have been limited.

Despite all the changes that have been made in society over the past few decades, its almost always the mums who have to shoulder most of the burden of looking after the family, and that doesnt sound like the greatest deal to me. I really cant imagine a world where were happier with children than without them.

Mindful of the strain children would put on her health, 27-year-old disability advocate and author Zoe Simmons and her partner (name withheld), a 28-year-old carpenter, have decided that childfree is best for them.

I know, deep within my core, that the added responsibility of a child would put a strain on my mental health, and that kind of life is not fair on anybody, says Zoe Simmons. Credit:Emma Veness Photography

Ive battled mental health issues bipolar disorder and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but last year I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a nerve disorder that causes debilitating pain, extreme fatigue and cognitive issues. I also have adenomyosis, which causes abdominal pain worse than a broken bone. Theyre pieces of a puzzle which allow me to make the following point: how can I ever successfully look after another human if I have difficulty managing my own body and mind?

Id already decided before Id started experiencing agonising pain that motherhood would never be for me. When I started voicing my intention to live a childfree life, I was told I would change my mind as I got older, but my resolve has only strengthened.

To my partners credit, he never questioned my decision at the beginning and wholeheartedly agrees with us remaining kid-free. He can see how difficult things are for me. Some days I use mobility aids and struggle to get more than one thing done. If I work, I cant cook or clean and if I clean, Im wiped out for any other activity. If I got pregnant, I wouldnt be able to have my usual medication for a long period of time and Id be so incredibly sick Id have to give up my career as well.

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Im not saying disabled people shouldnt have children many do, and parent brilliantly. Its just not something I want to put myself through. I know, deep within my core, that the added responsibility of a child would put a strain on my mental health, and that kind of life is not fair on anybody.

There is an argument from some of my generation that theres no point in having kids when the world is such a mess, and I get that. But I also think its cool for switched-on parents to raise a generation who can bring new perspectives and undo the bind were in.

Im choosing to make my difference by my advocacy work so that other peoples children dont have to face the same battles weve faced in thepast and continue to face today. As a speaker I want to do more on the healthcare circuit, do more advocacy as a journalist and author, and Im considering a move into politics so that I can help engineer more meaningful changes. Without kids, Im able to do more, to be of more service to the community. Thats my baby.

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Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children

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