'Strangers should mind their own business about my child-free status'
Independent.ie
It was supposed to be an innocent, throwaway half-hour in the hairdressers chair. But when does a pre-wedding blow-dry become the Spanish inquisition? When babies, or lack thereof, are mentioned.
It was supposed to be an innocent, throwaway half-hour in the hairdressers chair. But when does a pre-wedding blow-dry become the Spanish inquisition? When babies, or lack thereof, are mentioned.
Now, I love a chatty hairstylist as much as the next barnet, but perhaps the rudiments of polite client chat should be covered in training along with the basics of foil highlights. Because things can get boring and sexist pretty quickly.
Initially, we talk about the wedding that I am due to attend, and what kind of wedding I might like myself.
The non-existent kind, I reply, breezily.
This does not go down well.
What about babies? asks the stylist, herself a young mother.
I relay that I dont have any of those either, and that in my advancing years, Im not really likely to. I leave out the part about not being overly fond of unpaid labour. Who am I to judge anyone that does decide to have kids, after all?
Well. This revelation goes down about as well as a dog farting constantly in the middle of the room. Saying that youre choosing not to have children, or even that having children isnt top of your to-do list, is not really the done thing.
In a 35-minute session, I will hear each to their own, different strokes for different folks and well, as long as youre happy about a dozen times each. An older aunt of the stylist who made a similar decision and shes grand! also gets an honourable mention.
Its very likely that the hairdresser in question was completely oblivious to the fact that she was making a judgement on my life every time she opened her mouth. That sort of seemingly innocent remark has a loaded subtext: I am doing things the right way, and youre not.
And no matter how many strides we make in modern society, being a mother will always trump the alternative for women. Opting out entirely is well, a bit suspicious. We are all Poor Jen. Not loved, and if we are in a relationship, not loved enough by someone for them to make a commitment. We are rarely the agents in our own destinies on this one.
Childlessness is always something that has happened to us, no matter how many times you say each to their own.
A small part of me flared in indignation, and wanted to carp on about a bounty of lie-ins, personal freedom, more disposable income, travel. But why bother? Its not a race. Not a competition.
Pitting a type of life against another doesnt make one good and the other better. Most people are playing the hand theyre dealt. Why the need to give approval, or otherwise? Why the need to place them in a pecking order?
And, yet, it seems that everyone likes to have their say when it comes to the choices of women. The child-free arent the only ones to get a rough ride either. Newly married women (rarely men) have gotten used to the anything stirrin? line of enquiry since they cut their own wedding cake. These people are clearly under the illusion that having children is as easy as having a cup of tea.
And even those with kids end up facing scrutiny: People who have kids get it too, noted one friend. People ask if I have any and when I say yes, they ask how many. Then when I say one, they ask if Im having anymore and when I say no they either say you still have time to have more or tell me Im cruel for having just one. I actually had one woman tell me I should have another one just in case one of my kids dies so that dont end up childless.
Another added: I have three and Ive heard Jesus, you know whats causing those pregnancies dont you, more than once!
No matter what, we cant do right for wrong.
I think my main problem is that its somehow acceptable for strangers to ask women about their relationship and maternity status. It highlights a general assumption that marriage and family life are seen as the rightful occupation of good women.
And so it goes: the age-old idea that mothers are selfless, beatific beings, while non-mothers are selfish and slightly questionable figures. This tenet has dogged the child-free for years: that our vanity, our desire to let the good times keep rolling and our inability to grow up and toe the line, is whats stopped us from procreating. And even if you are good enough to toe the line and procreate, having more than two or three children is irresponsible; careless even.
With any luck, were moving away from this. Weve started to cotton onto the idea that peering over the fence into another persons life, curtains a-twitching, doesnt reflect too well on anyone. Its safe to say that anyone who is peering too closely at other peoples business find their own lots in life lacking.
Maybe one day, things really will be each to their own without us having to say it, over and over, by way of compensation.
In the meantime, another friend has some advice: I just tell everyone Im barren, she declares. That manages to shut them up.
Online Editors
Leslie Ann Horgan What do I remember about my Leaving Certificate? I remember stacks of books summarised into pages of notes, shortened to flash cards, then dissected by highlighters. I remember every word of...
Jamie Ball Those long summer school holidays are nearly upon us, and the prospect of trying to keep restless children entertained may be a daunting one. Thankfully, there has never been such a diverse range of summer camps on offer, and this year there's something for everyone, from cookery to coding. But should you immediately...
Funny, how few people have ever compared me to George Clooney, despite some striking similarities. We're both fiftysomething, married to successful, younger women and predominantly grey-haired. Perhaps it's on account of my leaner bank balance and being built...
Read the original post:
'Strangers should mind their own business about my child-free status' - Independent.ie
- I'm childfree by choice after growing up scared of the idea of being a mum having kids is a selfish choice. - Yahoo Lifestyle UK - January 20th, 2024 [January 20th, 2024]
- 'Why my decision to be childfree might just be the most eco-conscious choice of all' - 9Honey - January 20th, 2024 [January 20th, 2024]
- I'm unmarried, childfree and it ruins Christmas - inews - December 22nd, 2023 [December 22nd, 2023]
- BBC Motherland cast now - Hollywood fame, childfree vow and husband's shock death - The Mirror - December 22nd, 2023 [December 22nd, 2023]
- Dear Prudence: My boyfriend's family tried to starve me. - Slate - September 13th, 2023 [September 13th, 2023]
- Round the Fire: A Love You Cant Defeat - Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO Weekly) - May 30th, 2023 [May 30th, 2023]
- 'Why Don't You Want Kids?' 'Because Apocalypse!' | WIRED - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Whether youre childless or childfree, you shouldnt have to talk ... - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Reddit's Childfree Community Has a Parent-Shaming Problem - The Daily Dot - January 22nd, 2023 [January 22nd, 2023]
- Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children - January 2nd, 2023 [January 2nd, 2023]
- People Are Loving How This Childfree Woman Clapped Back At "Friend ... - December 21st, 2022 [December 21st, 2022]
- Daemen University to Host Free Screening of Childfree by Choice Film - November 23rd, 2022 [November 23rd, 2022]
- Childfree People Are Sharing What It's Actually Like To Get Older Without Kids In The Picture, And Their Honesty Is So Refreshing - BuzzFeed - October 15th, 2022 [October 15th, 2022]
- 'Special Treatment': New Mom Dragged for Bringing Baby to Childfree Wedding - October 13th, 2022 [October 13th, 2022]
- The Reason Miley Cyrus Doesn't Want To Have Kids - msnNOW - October 13th, 2022 [October 13th, 2022]
- Why a safari holiday was the best way to say goodbye to our childfree life - The Telegraph - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Single and Not Ready to Mingle: The Discrimination Against Single Women in Singapore | Opinion - Newsweek - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Woman divorcing husband because he calls her sister 'his wife' - indy100 - October 8th, 2022 [October 8th, 2022]
- Woman Gives Up Career to Have Kids, On 3rd Wedding Anniversary Turns Out Her Husband Is Childfree Story of the Day - AmoMama - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- Woman Kicking Out Brother's Girlfriend and Kid for Lack of 'Respect' Backed - Newsweek - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- Guy Reveals He's Afraid To Have Kids In Today's Economy, People Chime In With Personal Stories - Bored Panda - September 27th, 2022 [September 27th, 2022]
- 15 Awesome Reasons To Be Childfree By Choice - Bonobology.com - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- Verena Brunschweigers Do Childfree People Have Better Sex? Is A Lot ... - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- r/childfree - "...and most importantly, a mom." -NASA astronaut ... - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- 50 Parents Get Raw And Honest About What They Regret About Having Kids - Bored Panda - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- Nearly 40% of Americans Think $500K Is Enough To Retire -- Are They Wrong? - GOBankingRates - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- I really need some hand holding. I'm a beginner and need help with budgeting and investing. Whats my first step? - MarketWatch - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- doctors - childfree - reddit - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- INTERNATIONAL CHILDFREE DAY - August 1, 2023 - National Today - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Childfree Woman Wonders If She's A Jerk For Refusing To Help Out ... - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Tubal Ligation and Vasectomy: Everything You Should Know - theSkimm - September 15th, 2022 [September 15th, 2022]
- Mother Freaks Out After Finding Out How Much Her Childfree Cousin Spent On A Vacation, Calls Her 'Disgusting' - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Woman Who Unpopularly Decided To Never Have Children Reflects On It Now That She's 85 Years Old - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Guy Comes Up With A Brilliant Plan To Intentionally Drink Before Family Gatherings To Dodge Babysitting Duties Which Usually Fall On Him - Bored Panda - September 9th, 2022 [September 9th, 2022]
- Someone Wonders What's The Most Ridiculous Reason Your Child Had A Meltdown? And 50 Parents Give Hilarious Answers - Bored Panda - September 3rd, 2022 [September 3rd, 2022]
- Children? More than 1 in 5 U.S. adults dont want them - Marin Independent Journal - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- People Who Decided Not To Have Kids Share How Their Lives Turned Out (30 Posts) - Bored Panda - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Pros and Cons: Why You May (or May Not) Want To Rent Out Your Space - GOBankingRates - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Buyers and Sellers Have Retreated From The Housing Market For Now, Advisors Say - Financial Advisor Magazine - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- It's Time To End Stressful Partings, Home Pet Euthanasia Is Here - PRUnderground - August 23rd, 2022 [August 23rd, 2022]
- Living a 'childfree' life: 1 in 5 adults don't want to have kids - Study Finds - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- The Childfree Effigy: On Network's Diana and the Tropes That Betray Women - Literary Hub - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- 'I'm a Mother of Three, But I Never Wanted Children' - Newsweek - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- Women say they 'shouldn't have to beg' for a tubal ligation: 'Motherhood is absolutely not for me' - Yahoo Life - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- Disregard for human life and sexual responsibility is at the core of the pro-abortion movement - Washington Examiner - July 29th, 2022 [July 29th, 2022]
- I grew up in a narcissistic family. I'm not having kids because I want the cycle to end - Salon - July 25th, 2022 [July 25th, 2022]
- Woman Divorces Her Husband Because He Suddenly Has A Child, Gets Called The Jerk - Bored Panda - July 25th, 2022 [July 25th, 2022]
- For respectful, encouraging, positive discussion about childfree lifestyle - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- What Is a Breeding Kink? How Unprotected Sex Became a Turn-On - VICE UK - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- Expert Investing Tips: Where To Start When Buying Stocks for the First Time - GOBankingRates - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- Permanent Birth Control Is in Demand in the U.S.But Hard to Get - Yahoo Life - July 11th, 2022 [July 11th, 2022]
- 12 People Reveal The Things That Costs More For Women Than Men - ScoopWhoop - July 4th, 2022 [July 4th, 2022]
- Am I The Jerk For Bringing My Baby To A Child-Free Wedding? - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Responding to the Roe Rollback - Wealth Management - June 30th, 2022 [June 30th, 2022]
- The Economics of Abortion in a Post-Roe World - The Dispatch - June 22nd, 2022 [June 22nd, 2022]
- Susan Said She Hopes I Get Hit By A Car?: Discussion Ensues After Woman Shares How Being The Only Single Childless Person At Work Is Wild - Bored... - June 20th, 2022 [June 20th, 2022]
- What's a DINK? Here's what its like to be a couple that revels in having 'dual income, no kids' - Yahoo Philippines News - June 5th, 2022 [June 5th, 2022]
- Back In High School, Her Boyfriend Gave Up 2 Children For Adoption But He Kept This A Secret From Her - Chip Chick - May 31st, 2022 [May 31st, 2022]
- "Am I Wrong For Not Attending My Daughter's Gender Reveal For Her ... - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Childfree Humor: 35 Jokes And Memes By People Who Don't Regret Their Childfree Lifestyle - Bored Panda - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Dog Mom Vents About Being Excluded From Mother's Day Outing, Throws A Tantrum When Friend Tries To Explain That It's Not The Same As Having Children -... - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Comic Artist Captures the Daily Pressures of What It's Like To Be a Woman Today - My Modern Met - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Vicki Larson: Its time to get creative about what affordable housing means - Marin Independent Journal - May 25th, 2022 [May 25th, 2022]
- Motherhood isn't contingent on a romantic relationship. So why do we still treat it that way? - WBUR News - May 17th, 2022 [May 17th, 2022]
- Addressing the Global Stigma of Being Childfree - New Security Beat - May 15th, 2022 [May 15th, 2022]
- What if your future husband wants kids? One womans struggle to be sterilized at 24 - Yahoo News - May 15th, 2022 [May 15th, 2022]
- Portraits of Childfree Wealth by Jay Zigmont, PhD, CFP ... - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- The Family - Noba - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- Brighton and Hove News Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me - Brighton and Hove News - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts - Bored Panda - May 7th, 2022 [May 7th, 2022]
- More women are saying no to motherhood more than ever - WXYZ 7 Action News Detroit - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- It's Time For The Best Parenting Tweets Of The Month, And Here Are 35 That Might Crack You Up - Bored Panda - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves - Freethought Blogs - April 29th, 2022 [April 29th, 2022]
- This Dad Says Motherhood Has Changed His Wife for the Worse & Its Striking a Chord On Reddit - SheKnows - March 23rd, 2022 [March 23rd, 2022]
- Jessie Gurunathan: Stop asking me why I don't have kids - New Zealand Herald - March 23rd, 2022 [March 23rd, 2022]
- Pope Francis comments on parenthood are nothing new for ... - March 11th, 2022 [March 11th, 2022]
- Fighting Abortion Now Requires Fighting Increasing Hatred Of Children - The Federalist - March 8th, 2022 [March 8th, 2022]
- Parent-Of-2 Refuses To Attend Sister's Childfree Wedding ... - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]
- Lovers of sunshine and attention: Meet the dairy goats at Cheyenne Mountain Zoo - Colorado Springs Gazette - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]
- Mum perplexed as pal bans her from birthday party - after planning a trip away - The Mirror - February 28th, 2022 [February 28th, 2022]