A former seaman who had to retrieve the dead bodies of Indonesian and Somalian asylum seekers from the sea was so tormented by what he saw he is still haunted by the memories 10 years later.
He also said his attitudes towards the asylum seekers had radically changed after witnessing their desperation and suffering and the way they were being treated by the Australian government.
The seaman, anonymously identified as Witness BR2, told the royal commission into defence and veteran suicide he had been with the navy for less than a year when he was deployed on Operation Resolute.
Its mission, he said on Thursday, had been to intercept suspect vessels off Australias north coast.
But none of the rushed training the crew had prepared them what was to come.
BR2 said the first time he and the crew had found bodies in the water they were forced to abandon them because it was untenable due to the decay of a body at sea after time.
I remember one of my mates saying, I think that is a doll in the water. It was actually a baby. I just remembered he lost the innocence in his face a bit.
On another occasion, the crew had come across 230 Somali asylum seekers in rough seas in a vessel that looked like a doubledecker bus, he said.
He said during the rescue that night conditions had been so dangerous he feared for his life as he was forced to lean out towards the water as he tried to hook a line to the vessel from the ships crane.
This was at night time in high seas so there were quite a few times when it was that dangerous we had to wave off and come back round again, BR2 said.
During the process a female asylum seeker had been hit by the hook and knocked out.
He said on one occasion he had been moving a dead Somalian woman from the sea, and her child had become so distressed he had to comfort him because his father was in shock.
I was a pretty ignorant 21-year-old kid, thinking that these people dont deserve to come here because why are they jumping the queue, he said. That changed pretty quickly meeting these people. These people are some of the most genuine people Ive ever met.
He said he had felt a growing sense of guilt and anger because doing his job meant handing over people theyd saved just to put them basically in prison ashore.
BR2 said once he was back onshore he was haunted by what hed seen.
He had started drinking even more heavily to cope with his anger and distress and had daily thoughts of suicide.
After he and his crew put much on the line for these people and sacrificed a lot of our own mental health he felt they had been essentially lied to about their real mission.
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The commission heard that over the next four years BR2 struggled with his mental health without telling the navy, for fear he would be medically discharged.
He said the one psychological debriefing he was given after his first three months at sea took less than 15 minutes. It wasnt really a conversation, it was more a tick and flick, he said.
He told the commission the navys reliance on psychologists of higher ranks was too intimidating and stopped seamen seeking help.
It would take five years before BR2s drinking became so bad he was finally diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and a raft of other mental health conditions.
Once classified as medically unfit he went from being a high flyer to having no future in the navy.
BR2 said he had since found his purpose, beyond defence. But there had been no support from the Australian defence force.
Essentially you feel like nothing, he said. If you do not train or attempt to train someone to move on from defence these people are more than likely to fail.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800-273-8255 or chat for support. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis text line counselor. Other international helplines can be found at http://www.befrienders.org
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