It’s a bumpy ride with Emily Blunt and Dwayne Johnson on ‘Jungle Cruise’ – The Patriot Ledger

By Al Alexander| For The Patriot Ledger

With its Pirates of the Caribbean franchise out of gas, the bean counters at Disney are making movies about another theme parkride, Jungle Cruise. Their thought, obviously, was to incorporate the same formula as Pirates, but tweak it a bit by shifting the location from the 19th-century high seas to the Amazon River circa 1925. We still get a rickety boat for transportation, a goofy captain whose jokes arent quite as funny as he thinks they are, and a damsel who is hardly in distress. Oh, and yes, there will be unscrupulous ghosts aplenty, matey just none as entertaining as Johnny Depp'sCapt. Jack Sparrow.

Instead, we get Dwayne Johnson asskipper Frank Wolff, whose creaky riverboat, La Quila, is in hock up to its bow.

Ah, but salvation arrives in the nick of time via a brainy British beauty going by the regal name of Dr. Lily Houghton, an ostracized botanist in search of a legendary tree whose leaves, its said, contain vast healing powers.Problem is no one but the indigenous have ever seen it and theyre not talking, just cannibalizing the gullible white men seeking it, including one notorious conquistador in Lope de Aguirre. Thus, we have the claptrap set-up for Jungle Cruise, an overlong, over-plotted and underachieving adventure yarn in the vein of The African Queen by way of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It pains me to evoke such Hollywood classics as reference points for a summer blockbuster brimming with blockheads. But I see no other way. So, forgive me.

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Just think of Frank as (cringe) Humphrey Bogarts cranky Charlie Allnutt, Emily Blunt as Katharine Hepburns patronizing Rose Sayer, and the Amazon as the asp-infested Nile. Thats where the commonalities end and the rip-offs of Pirates of the Caribbean begin. Not the best role model. But Johnson and Blunt give it their best in the wake of mediocre direction (Orphans Jaume Collet-Serra) and a trio of tedious writers in Michael Green (Logan), and Bad Santa co-scribes Glenn Ficarraand John Requa. For the most part, the two luminous stars generate just enough wattage to light the screen with cheeky banter and faint touches of a potentially sizzling romance. Like Bogart and Hepburn, their hostility toward one another is a snarky facade for love. And for a while, you buy into it, as the sophisticated lady and her slightly chauvinistic guide spar on an up-river journey toward hell that will never be compared with Apocalypse Now.

Its more like the Amazon-set, river-cruise spoof Anaconda, but without the laughs. Not that Jungle Cruise isnt trying to be funny. Its just not succeeding at it. Although some of that must be excused given bad puns uttered by the skipper are an integral part of the Disneyland ride. But that doesn't mean lines such as, Were heading into beheading territory, which is a terrible place to be headed, don't elicit groans. Dont worry, Blunts Lily doesnt find it amusing, either.Nor, I suspect, does she enjoy Franks excessive passive-aggressive taunts, like referring to her as Pants because she never dons frilly frocks. Shes also 10times more book-smart than her escort, who holds the upper hand only when danger lurks. Which is around almost every bend, just like the amusement park ride on which the movie is based.

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Ah, the ride. It recently reopened on the Anaheim campus after closing for several years to be scrubbed of its many archaic depictions of women and minorities that passed muster when it opened in 1955, but are now considered sexist and racist. Alas, the movie it inspired still carries some of those liabilities, but not often. Rather, its refreshing to see Blunts water-fearing Lily acting every bit Johnsons equal, even when fisticuffs break out between our heroes and those whod like to see them dead, including an over-the-top Jesse Plemons as a crazed relative of Kaiser Wilhelm out to beat them to the legendary Tears of the Moon shrine in Peru. His use of a U-boat and other ridiculous weaponry while rolling up the river is bizarre to say the least.

Hes the equivalent of the Nazis in Raiders, but not the least bit scary, as Plemons is wasted almost as badly as Paul Giamatti as a richer, more sophisticated rival of Frank's. On the plus side is comedian Jack Whitehall as Lilys scene-stealing gay brother, MacGregor. His fussiness and fabulous luggage render him pretty much a negative stereotype, but Whitehall bites his tongue and sells it well, albeit cringingly. The kids, who are going to enjoy this discombobulated mess of a movie more than their bored parents, will surely get a charge out of Franks sidekick, a not-as-ferocious-as-he-looks jaguar named Proxima.

The movie, though, is a decidedly mixed bag of kicks and uninspired CGI tricks. What were seeing always looks fake and the writing is for the most part subpar. The costumes by Paco Delgado are period-perfect and Jean-Vincent Puzos production designs are sufficiently dark and creepy, although I could have done without all those slithering snakes. Yes, amid its many flaws, "Jungle Cruise" thrives on the substantial charisma of its two stars. They deftly channel these rough waters into something, as Frank would quip, you can take to the banks.

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Movie review

JUNGLE CRUISE

(PG-13 for adventure violence.) Cast includes Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Jesse Plemons, Paul Giamatti and Jack Whitehall. In theaters and on Disney+ July 30. Grade: B-

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It's a bumpy ride with Emily Blunt and Dwayne Johnson on 'Jungle Cruise' - The Patriot Ledger