Category Archives: Childfree

'Strangers should mind their own business about my child-free status'

Independent.ie

It was supposed to be an innocent, throwaway half-hour in the hairdressers chair. But when does a pre-wedding blow-dry become the Spanish inquisition? When babies, or lack thereof, are mentioned.

http://www.independent.ie/life/family/family-features/strangers-should-mind-their-own-business-about-my-childfree-status-35802297.html

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It was supposed to be an innocent, throwaway half-hour in the hairdressers chair. But when does a pre-wedding blow-dry become the Spanish inquisition? When babies, or lack thereof, are mentioned.

Now, I love a chatty hairstylist as much as the next barnet, but perhaps the rudiments of polite client chat should be covered in training along with the basics of foil highlights. Because things can get boring and sexist pretty quickly.

Initially, we talk about the wedding that I am due to attend, and what kind of wedding I might like myself.

The non-existent kind, I reply, breezily.

This does not go down well.

What about babies? asks the stylist, herself a young mother.

I relay that I dont have any of those either, and that in my advancing years, Im not really likely to. I leave out the part about not being overly fond of unpaid labour. Who am I to judge anyone that does decide to have kids, after all?

Well. This revelation goes down about as well as a dog farting constantly in the middle of the room. Saying that youre choosing not to have children, or even that having children isnt top of your to-do list, is not really the done thing.

In a 35-minute session, I will hear each to their own, different strokes for different folks and well, as long as youre happy about a dozen times each. An older aunt of the stylist who made a similar decision and shes grand! also gets an honourable mention.

Its very likely that the hairdresser in question was completely oblivious to the fact that she was making a judgement on my life every time she opened her mouth. That sort of seemingly innocent remark has a loaded subtext: I am doing things the right way, and youre not.

And no matter how many strides we make in modern society, being a mother will always trump the alternative for women. Opting out entirely is well, a bit suspicious. We are all Poor Jen. Not loved, and if we are in a relationship, not loved enough by someone for them to make a commitment. We are rarely the agents in our own destinies on this one.

Childlessness is always something that has happened to us, no matter how many times you say each to their own.

A small part of me flared in indignation, and wanted to carp on about a bounty of lie-ins, personal freedom, more disposable income, travel. But why bother? Its not a race. Not a competition.

Pitting a type of life against another doesnt make one good and the other better. Most people are playing the hand theyre dealt. Why the need to give approval, or otherwise? Why the need to place them in a pecking order?

And, yet, it seems that everyone likes to have their say when it comes to the choices of women. The child-free arent the only ones to get a rough ride either. Newly married women (rarely men) have gotten used to the anything stirrin? line of enquiry since they cut their own wedding cake. These people are clearly under the illusion that having children is as easy as having a cup of tea.

And even those with kids end up facing scrutiny: People who have kids get it too, noted one friend. People ask if I have any and when I say yes, they ask how many. Then when I say one, they ask if Im having anymore and when I say no they either say you still have time to have more or tell me Im cruel for having just one. I actually had one woman tell me I should have another one just in case one of my kids dies so that dont end up childless.

Another added: I have three and Ive heard Jesus, you know whats causing those pregnancies dont you, more than once!

No matter what, we cant do right for wrong.

I think my main problem is that its somehow acceptable for strangers to ask women about their relationship and maternity status. It highlights a general assumption that marriage and family life are seen as the rightful occupation of good women.

And so it goes: the age-old idea that mothers are selfless, beatific beings, while non-mothers are selfish and slightly questionable figures. This tenet has dogged the child-free for years: that our vanity, our desire to let the good times keep rolling and our inability to grow up and toe the line, is whats stopped us from procreating. And even if you are good enough to toe the line and procreate, having more than two or three children is irresponsible; careless even.

With any luck, were moving away from this. Weve started to cotton onto the idea that peering over the fence into another persons life, curtains a-twitching, doesnt reflect too well on anyone. Its safe to say that anyone who is peering too closely at other peoples business find their own lots in life lacking.

Maybe one day, things really will be each to their own without us having to say it, over and over, by way of compensation.

In the meantime, another friend has some advice: I just tell everyone Im barren, she declares. That manages to shut them up.

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'Strangers should mind their own business about my child-free status' - Independent.ie

Politicians fight over lots of different issues in general election campaigns, but one theme is a constant: they all try to appeal to hard-working families, by which they seem to mean mum, dad and a couple of kids.

Its well-intentioned, Im sure. But Im equally sure I cant be the only non-parent who finds it a teeny bit grating.

Not that I begrudge nuclear families any help that might coming their way. What I resent is the implication that just because I havent given birth, Im somehow not counted among the ranks of deserving, diligent citizens.

The stereotype that we all live in identikit units of mum, dad and two children feels pretty anachronistic in the 21st century. The reality is, there are all kinds of non-nuclear constellations: blended families, single parents, step-families and yes, there are also various childfree tribes, including the DINKS (dual income, no kids), the PANKs (professional aunts, no kids) and the PUNCLEs (the male equivalent.)

It isnt even particularly unusual not to have children. Around one in five women go through life without having kids, whether by choice or circumstance.

No-one seems to know how many men are non-parents why not is fascinating in itself though its reasonable to assume a similar proportion.

Yet when it comes to financial planning, there is a dearth of advice tailored to the childfree.

To take a simple example, Ive had advisers insist I need to take out life assurance even though as a non-parent without other dependents, I reckon I needed critical illness, private medical and redundancy cover rather more.

Overlooking non-parents looks like a missed opportunity for the financial services industry. The childfree are not automatically also free of financial worries (a stereotype that is, sadly, wide of the mark), not least because some of us have other family commitments, such as supporting an elderly parent.

But middle-class professionals without kids are likely to have more disposable cash possibly a lot more. Its impossible to put a price on the joys of parenthood, but a report last year by insurer LV and the Centre for Economics and Business Research had a go. It found it costs 231,843 to bring up a child from birth to age 21, including education, childcare, food, clothes, holidays and toys.

Add in a private day school and the bill rises to nearly 374,000 or an average of nearly 18,000 a year. In reality, its even more costly than that, because those expenses have to be paid out of taxable income. And the calculations dont take into account the opportunity cost of one parent, usually the mother, almost certainly having to take time out of work and/or a cut in earnings.

Given that, its not hard to see why parents feel the childfree have it easy. Yet maybe, just maybe, the selfishness charge so often levelled at non-parents isnt entirely justified.

For me and other childfree friends, its a pleasure to be able to afford to be generous with nieces, nephews and godchildren, to treat them to holidays and presents and its often us who step in with the rescue money when they cant make their rent. I also try to contribute in a small way to the next generation by sponsoring a child in Tanzania and by giving money to childrens charities.

That said, its not all about playing the fairy godmother. Those of us not stumping up for a couple of whippersnappers can use the funds to improve our own financial situation by, for instance, reducing debts, paying off the mortgage early and beefing up the pension plan.

Hurray but at the back of the mind is the fact that, unlike our contemporaries who have embraced parenthood, there is absolutely no chance of payback time when were old, as there wont be any adult children to help out.

Perhaps its just as well that some financial products aimed at older age groups may be more appealing to the childfree.

Equity release is one. These loans allow people to unlock capital from their properties without selling up the interest rolls up and theres nothing to be repaid either until they die or go into a care home. The big snag is it erodes the kids inheritance, but naturally, thats far less of a drawback if you dont have any.

On the subject of inheritance, its still important to make a will. Even if you dont have children, you probably do have family and friends and they might miss out if you die intestate.

In that case, your estate would go to a surviving legally married spouse or civil partner. Failing that, it might go to uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces or ultimately if there are no close family members, to the Crown. You might want to leave provision for a partner to whom you are not married or in a civil partnership, to close friends or to a carer, but they cant inherit without a will. Nor can your favoured charities, your old university or any other pet cause.

Lets not get too gloomy, though. At least if we DINKS, PANKS and PUNCLES want to blow our cash on sports cars and cruises, there wont be purse-lipped adult children accusing us of SKI-ing, or spending the kids inheritance. Carpe Diem.

Ruth Sunderland isCity Features Editor of the Daily Mail

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Overlooking the childfree is a mistake - Spectator.co.uk (blog)

Isabel Caliva and her husband, Frank, had already kicked the can down the road. The can, in their case, was the kid conversation; the road was Calivas fertile years. Frank had always said he wanted lots of kids. Caliva, who was in her early 30s, thought maybe one or two would be nice, but she was mostly undecided. They had a nice life, with plenty of free time that allowed for trips to Portugal, Paris, and Hawaii.

I wasnt feeling the pull the same way my friends were describing, she told me recently. I thought, maybe this isnt gonna be the thing for me. Maybe its just going to be the two of us.

At times, she wondered if her lack of baby fever should be cause for concern. She took her worries to the Internet, where she came across a post on the Rumpus Dear Sugar advice column titled, The Ghost Ship that Didnt Carry Us. The letter was from a 41-year-old man who was also on the fence about kids: Things like quiet, free time, spontaneous travel, pockets of non-obligation, he wrote. I really value them.

Cheryl Strayed, the author of the column, wrote back that each person has a life and a sister life theyll never knowthe ghost ship of the title. The clear desire for a baby isnt an accurate gauge for you, she wrote. Instead, she recommended thinking deeply about your choices and actions from the stance of your future self. In other words, think about what youll regret later.

The Rumpus post helped me understand that no matter what I chose, there was going to be a loss, Caliva said. Her ghost ship would either be a carefree life or the experience of parenthood. That was freeing. It changed my perspective from having to make the right choice to just deciding.

Caliva liked the column so much she sent it to several of her friends.

* * *

The question of whether to have kids has puzzled me my entire adult life, in part because my reflexive reaction to the thought is not again.

There is a large age gap between me and my younger brother, and I was put in charge of minding him during many school breaks and holidays.

My brother was an easy-going preschooler. He pronounced Ls as Ws and wore a blanket like a Batman capethe full adorable kid experience. Still, I was struck by how difficult it was to keep him entertained. I dont possess the goofy sense of humor that charms the under-five crowd. I didnt understand how to infuse excitement into otherwise boring activities like coloring or baking. We ended up watching a lot of TV, separately. I was so miserable that, one summer, I jumped at the chance to take a job filing papers in an office.

The experience of my teens left me feeling like parenting is, at worst, pure drudgery, and at best, feigning enthusiasm for someone who lacks a theory of mind. The problem is, I cant tell if this is because 14-year-olds aren't meant to be full-time nannies or because I'm just not a kid person. And having one seems like a high-stakes way to find out.

Last fall, I posed the questionWhy did you choose to have children?on our reader blog, and the responses rolled in. In all my colleague Rosa Inocencio Smith and I collected and analyzed the emails from 42 readers, who were about evenly split between deciding to have kids and not to. (Caliva was one of them; she gave us permission to use her name and story.) To spoil the big takeaway, there doesnt appear to be one maternal instinct, and not just because half of all pregnancies are unplanned. For some, parenthood is a hard-boiled belief; for others, its a switch that flips after a crisis. Other times, its just a feeling you get.

People whove never had children seem really uptight about things that people with kids just roll with. Like, a little mess, or a muddy dog, or crumbs on the furniture, wrote one mom named Mary. A little softness in one's dealings is a pleasant aspiration. Kids do that to you.

I was relieved to find that several people in the no camp described feeling perplexed by their peers drive to have babies: It's like listening to people describe a color that I just can't see, wrote Shanna.

The voluntarily childless do seem over-represented in our sample. Most American womenabout 67 percent, according to a 2009 study by Ohio State University sociologist Sarah Hayforddecide as teenagers to have two children, and they roughly stick with that plan. Another, smaller group starts out wanting three or more kids and ends up having more than the average two; yet another segment starts out wanting two, but they wind up with fewer. Those like me are statistical freaks, making up just 4 percent of the population: We start out wanting kids we guess? Maybe one? Our expectations decline with age, and, Hayford writes, by their early 30s, these women expect to have no children. (Her study was of women who were 18 in the 1980s; its not clear if the views of todays women would evolve differently.)

Childlessness rose steeply from the 1970s to about 2005it has since declined againand Hayford found that a decline in marriage rates contributed most to that rise. Getting married can change peoples minds about having kids, she says. To some, marriage means having children, so Im entering this married world and taking on other things that go along with it, Hayford said. (As one reader put it to us: Ive always said that I never knew I wanted children, until I knew that I wanted children with him.)

Today, about 15 percent of women never have kids, but most of us start out agnostic. There are not that many people who, early on, say, I definitely dont want kids, said Amy Blackstone, a sociologist at the University of Maine. Even the childless are more likely to start out unsure or assuming they will have kids. Its only over time that they decide against it.

What is it that turns them against child-rearing? Freedom, according to the research. The childfree mostly cite either the freedom from child-care responsibilities, as one meta-analysis from 1987 found, or the freedom to travel, according to a 1995 book. A 2014 study that relied on 20 in-depth interviews with childfree women found that they overwhelmingly focused on the benefits of their freedom and autonomy:

Women desired a get up and go lifestyle so they could travel, hang with family and friends, and learn new things. They cited obtaining a higher education, focusing on careers, and retaining other adult freedoms. When women compared the benefits of a childfree life to socially prescribed benefits, they chose not to mother.

Freedom is a factor for both men and women, but the research suggests women are more concerned than men are that childbearing will hamper their careers. In a 2005 study, women were more likely to see parenting as conflicting with work, while men were more likely to say they didnt want to make personal sacrifices. Childfree women are more likely to enter male-dominated professions and to focus on achievement, according to one study, and they they are more likely to earn more.

Women who dont have kids, write Italian researchers Christian Agrillo and Cristian Nelini, tend to understand motherhood as all-encompassing and overwhelming responsibilityone that might interfere with their next promotion. Childless men and women might all be seeking freedom, but as Agrillo and Nelini quipped in their 2008 review paper, the choice to be childfree gave women freedom to work and men freedom from work.

Childless women end up just as satisfied with their lives in the end. (Its teen moms who seem to struggle most.) However, one studyalbeit an older onefound that those wanting to be childless ... rated life as less optimistic and less loving, and also as currently somewhat less satisfying. Just as I suspected, having a cheery disposition helps when youre spending lots of time with people who wish barn animals could be their best friends.

Though the literature doesnt address the issue as much, many of our readers feared not being mentally or emotionally equipped for parenthood. Some felt their anxieties or depressive episodes were incompatible with childlike bliss; others didnt want to pass on their serious mental-health issues, such as bipolar disorder. A kid isnt like a potted plant that you can give to somebody else because it appears that youre just going to kill it, one woman wrote. (Another wrote that, precisely because she fears passing on her medical conditions, shes considering adoption.)

Why Women Choose Not to Have Children

A bad childhood can make a person less eager to relive it, even vicariously. A 1999 academic book about childfree men found those who had distant or abusive fathers were less interested in becoming fathers themselves. It can be hard to create a childlike utopia for someone else without a vision in your mind to work from: I was not very happy as a child, and thinking back on childhood rarely brings me joy, a woman named Farah wrote to us.

The reverse is also true, though: What sweeter payback is there than being a better parent than your own? You ever wish things wouldve gone in a certain way in your past life to make you better in the now? wrote Brandon, a father of two. This is your chance to put in all the good you have and try to take away the bad.

Society still judges people, especially women, who choose to remain childless. Even recent studies show that childfree people are viewed more negatively than those who have childrenor are at least planning to have them.

But Blackstone, the Maine sociologist, said parents and the childfree are driven by similar desires. For instance, they both seek stronger relationships: For people with kids, its the parent-child bond, but for people without, one of the very common reasons they cite is they value their relationship with their partner, and having a child will shift that relationship.

Indeed, it was the desire to preserve a happy relationship that nudged some of our readers to decide against children. My husband and I are happily married almost 10 years now, one woman wrote. I know for a fact that the happiness and huge love are due to the fact that we have the time, energy and desire to put each other first. To throw that away for a kid would be nuts.

Others, though, saw parenthood as a way to honor either past or future relationships. We had a good life, wrote one mother of an adopted daughter. Then my husband's brother died. We started to question what life was truly about, and realized that for us it could include raising a child. One woman, who admitted to not being much of a little kid person, looked forward to befriending her children as adults. Another dreaded the deaths of her parents and, subsequently, the prospect of life without unconditional love.

* * *

According to Blackstone, the childfree and the childless both emphasized creating meaning.

For Isabel Caliva, the woman who unearthed the Rumpus column, that desire for meaning came in an unexpected way.

She first met her husband, Frank, at their colleges freshman orientation, when she was locked out of her dorm room one night. They stayed up all night talking, then dated for all four years. Post-college life took them to different cities, and they broke up. Years later, in 2010, Caliva called him out of the blue, saying Id love to try again.

Ive been waiting for this call, he responded. They got engaged the following year.

She had always been open with Frank about her kid-indecision, and he patiently waited as she mulled. One perfect spring day in 2014, Caliva was driving home from work near Washington, D.C., where she lives. She rolled down her windows, turned on the radio, and gazed out at the clear sky. A wave of contentment and joy washed over her.

But the elation was cut with boredom. This is so awesome, but its also fleeting, she remembers thinking. Tomorrow I might have a hard day at work. I am always going to be chasing happiness, its always ephemeral.

Some readers recalled a similar feeling of encroaching ennui: I had a small inkling that if I did not have children, I might be self-absorbed my whole life, wrote a woman named Virginia. Too much self-reflection is boring after years of it, I suspected.

Caliva likens it to the same feeling that inspires people to run marathonsa desire to know, once and for all, that youve done something really big and really great.

I need to do something thats bigger than me and outside myself, she decided. I need to take care of somebody else, and be completely selfless.

She drove home and told Frank about her epiphany. Their son, Jack, will be two years old this year.

For childless women, though, meaning comes about in other ways. You would think that women who didnt want children would have been bred out of the gene pool by now, since natural selection favors people who enjoy sex and, often as a result of that enjoyment, create progeny. But as Lonnie Aarssen and Stephanie Altman, two researchers at Queens University in Ontario, have written, modern life provides other ways for women to leave their mark, without necessarily having children.

Humans are anxious about their own deaths. To manage that anxiety, they seek to leave a legacyoften in the form of children, Aarssen explained to me recently,

Our distant ancestors would have said, I have these little people here, and I can influence the way they think, Aarssen said. I can make a mini-me copy of myself, and convince them to have the same kinds of personality and drives.

But there are other types of legaciessuch as art, science, or religionand historically, the money and influence necessary to create them belonged solely to men. Men also controlled womens reproduction, thanks to a lack of good birth control. Thus, for millennia, women often had only one choice for making a lasting impact: reproduction. Whats more, most had to reproduce, even if they didnt want to.

Those women might have passed down a weak parenting drive that essentially laid dormant until the modern age, Altman and Aarssen argue. Now that women have more rights and opportunities, the descendants of these reluctant mothers are foregoing making babies in order to make art, write books, start nonprofits and businesses, and pursue other non-kid accomplishments. Indeed, in a 2012 study they found that women who wanted fewer kids had a greater interest in a rewarding career, fame, and generating new ideas and discoveries.

As Altman and Aarssen write, some of todays women inherited genes from female ancestors who were not attracted to a life goal involving motherhood, but were nevertheless forced to endure it. Their descendants thenmany women alive todaycan now freely realize the lifestyle and life course goals that their maternal ancestors wished for, but were denied because of patriarchal subjugation.

That might be why the college-educated today are more likely to be childless than those with high-school degrees or less. In 1992, researchers from the University of Pennsylvania asked the universitys graduating students if they planned to have or adopt kids, and 79 percent gave an unequivocal yes. In 2012, just 41 percent did. The number who said probably not grew from one to 20 percent.

Young women today, one reason why they are less likely to plan to have or adopt kids than their forbears is that their engagement in friendship networks and professional networks is a kind of substitute for the need to create a family of ones own, said Stewart Friedman, an author of that study and director of the Work/Life Integration Project at the University of Pennsylvania. Engagement in social and political networks, and work that has a positive impact on societyboth of those factors are substituting for the creation of a family of ones own.

Aarssen said its possible that, if childlessness really is genetic, in coming decades the childfree movement will fizzle. Childless women simply wont pass their genes along.

Of course, some of the works they have created along the wayincluding books about their childfree existenceswill survive. In that way, they might pass their quirky legacies along after all, helping future couples as they kick their own cans down the road.

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How People Decide Whether to Have Children - The Atlantic

This year, the United Nations recognizes its International Day of Families on May 15. The purpose of this special day is to focus on the role of families and family-oriented policies in promoting education and overall well-being of their members and to support families as the primary educators for young children. Though children are not a required component of family, childfree families do play a significant but generally overlooked role in supporting childrens development.

Of the dozens of childfree women and men Ive interviewed, who form households and families of their own, many note that they are in a unique position to have special and important relationships with children because they are childfree.

This finding is consistent across studies. In a survey of 1,000 non-mothers, marketing firm DeVries Global found that children including nieces, nephews, and the children of friends play an active role in the lives of 80 percent of women who dont have children of their own. And a study of aunts found that they serve important roles as teachers, role models, confidantes, savvy peers, and second mothers in their nieces and nephews lives.

A number of the childfree couples I interviewed described their friendships and other connections with the children in their lives. They shared how their childfree status enables them to connect with children in ways that differ from parents connections.

Jan, an engineer who has been married to her husband Fred for over ten years, also talked about her friendships with children. Jan and Fred count their neighbors among their closest friends and Jan has a special connection with the neighbors 11-year-old daughter.

Children benefit from these connections with adults who arent their parents. Allison and her husband believe they are in a unique position to offer their nine year old niece a broader view of the world than she may receive without their involvement.

Allisons point about getting her nieces issues in a way that others may not is reflected in the reports of children who have close relationships with their aunts who say they value their aunts nonjudgmental advice, open-mindedness, and willingness to discuss topics they preferred not to broach with their parents.

pixababy

Aside from their unique friendships with children, my research participants also described how not having kids themselves made them more available to take on special care taking responsibilities for the kids in their lives, such as through legal guardianship or as godparents. Annette, a professor, said she is able to be the godmother to several children because she doesnt have kids of her own, though she added, Thats plenty! when asked if she had plans to say yes to any future godmother requests.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Childfree people are a part of that village. Perhaps it is in the best interests of children indeed of all villagers that not everyone wants to have children of their own, even those who might make excellent parents. These non-parent figures are essential for children, they provide needed support for parents, and the childfree value these relationships as well.

On this years International Day of Families, lets recognize all families, whether they include children or not, and the important roles they play in providing for the well-being of each other and those in their communities.

More:

Recognizing Childfree Families On International Family Day - HuffPost

*By Shinjini Mehrotra

When I was a little girl, I loved to play house. I could spend hours having tea parties with my dolls arranged around me, and I loved "cooking" for my mom using my set of toy utensils. That was until I got a baby dollyou know the ones that look and feel like a real human baby? When I got one of those, I was obsessed. I would cuddle it, sing it songs, change its diaper, feed it milk, put it to sleep.

My mom was thrilled. She thought I had all the makings of a perfect wife and mother.

Fast forward to me in my late teens. I was at Pizza Hut with my then boyfriend (now husband) on what was one of our initial dates. But what should have been a romantic lunch turned into a horrifying encounterwith two 5-year-old kids. As they ran around the restaurant terrorising the rest of the patrons, their parents sat looking indulgently on. I could feel a headache coming on as those two ran around shouting, throwing cutlery, and being a general nuisance.

"I never want children," I whispered vehemently that day.

I was 19, he was 29. All I got was an indulgent look and a call for the check.

Fast forward to a recent evening. We were sitting on the sofa, heads bent over a smartphone, looking at photographs and going "Awww... how adorable! Such tiny little things! And they look so cute, sleeping on top of their mommy." We were looking at photographs of the most adorable Iranian wild cats, which are almost extinct, poor dears!

I'm in my mid-30s, he's in his late-40s. And no, still no children. But we do have two adorable fur babies, Simba and Loki!

Looking back on our years together, this decision to not have children seems almost organic. The 19-year-old me who didn't want children because they were such a nuisance grew into this 30-something me who is certain she doesn't want children for a lot of very valid reasons. And that 29-year-old indulgent boy who thought I was a kid and would grow out of that phase of not wanting children, is now a 40-something man who is thankful that I didn't.

Over the years, we have had our moments of doubt about our decision to be child-free. Like when we see really cute children who are well behaved (they exist!). Or all the times when my parents have sat us down and told us how much we will regret our decision to not have children. Or when my friends have told me what an awesome dad my husband would make because he is so good with their children.

At all those times, we revisit this decision. And whenever we talk about whether or not we should have children, the husband always says the same thing: "I will agree to have children only when you are 150% sure that you want them."

I've never been even 20% sure that I want kids. I feel no biological clock ticking and no desire to take on the life-changing responsibility of bringing up a child. And so we happily go about with our lives, following our interests and our careers. It's given us the mind space and the time that we need to follow the things that interest usfor the husband, it's his love for box-making and teaching DIY woodworking, and for me, it's the time to pursue my love for art, design, writing, and the Tarot.

We have had people tell us we're being short-sighted, self-absorbed, stupid; that we are bucking the "natural law" and fighting biology and evolution. But at the end of the day, we are the only ones who have to live with this decisionand either way, it is a big, life-altering choice. Yes, a choice.

Bringing an innocent child into this world should not be a default consequence of marriage. And it certainly shouldn't be something you resort to in an unstable marriage, hoping that a child will bring you closerheartbreakingly often, it doesn't. Having a child should be a thing of unbridled joy. If it isn't, maybe you should look for your joy elsewhere.

*Shinjini Mehrotra is an editor by profession and a passionate artist, Tarot card reader and writer. You can find her at moderngypsy.in, where she weaves together art, mindfulness and the Tarot to empower you to uncover your inner wisdom and live an authentic and meaningful life.

This post first appeared on Bonobology.com.

Tamil Nadu Farmers Protest In Delhi

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I Have No Regrets About Choosing To Be Childfree - Huffington Post India

Carla Leanzo | Contributing Writer

Selfish. Regret. Irresponsible. Not truly in love.

All of these are ideas circulating around individuals, coined childfree that have decided to deliberately not have children. It seems, though, that family and friends seem to hold more interest in what my partner and I are doing with our reproductive organs than we actually do. I have never wanted children, and I still dont.

After months of research, compiling an overstuffed folder to show my doctor so he can take me seriously, collecting surgeons phone numbers, and even educating people on the various birth control options out there, I have decided that permanent sterilization is the right choice for me.

Heres the kicker though: I, like many on childfree communities such as Reddit or The Childfree Life, are in our late teens and early twenties. We like sex, we love our partners, and we dont love kids. We are responsible with our birth control, yet want the peace of mind to know that theres no tubes there or no bullets in the gun (Sperm. Im talking about sperm, people) to cause an accident. So, whats the deal, anyways?

Currently, most doctors are unwilling to sterilize patients under 30 years of age. By allowing patients of legal adult ageeighteen years and aboveto decide what birth control method is right for them, even if permanent, could help solve the problems of overpopulation, birth control failure and bodily autonomy.

As a legal adult, a patient holds full rights to their body in regards to a safe, highly effective procedure. According to a sterilization pamphlet by the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, tubal ligations still hold a failure rate of about .08 percent.

However, a less-broached option known as a bilateral salpingectomy (full removal of the fallopian tubes) almost entirely eliminates this failure rate since instead of the fallopian tubes being only clipped or blockedstill leaving room for an egg and sperm to possibly meetthe fallopian tube is entirely removed and any egg released is absorbed by the body.

In my recent interview with a doctor of Virginia Planned Parenthood, Dr. David Peters, I asked him if he would warn younger patients that came in claiming to want children if they would later regret their decision like so many doctors tell individuals that want to be sterilized.

He said, There is definitely a double standard when it comes to pregnancy. If I had my way, I would require a test of competency to allow pregnancy.

Wanting to remain childfree, and even go forth with the surgical procedure to ensure that, is a personal decision that should only be concluded by the couple involved. In speaking to my father about going forward with a bilateral salpingectomy, I was simply told, This is a decision you make on your ownyou have to be the one to decide what you are going to do and how you are going to deal with the outcomes.

This is a decision reached after long, hard reflection and research on what I was getting myself into. I know what choice is right for myself and I am confident in the conclusion that I have reached. If I am old enough to decide to start a family and have children, then Iand othersare old enough and responsible enough to decide not to.

Oftentimes, doctors will refuse to sterilize a patient for fear that, if the patient later changes their mind, the patient will sue aforementioned doctor for even performing the sterilization procedure to begin with.

However, the repercussions of a voluntary surgery, including later changing their mind, should be entirely the patients responsibility. To ensure this responsibility, the patient must sign a liability form that holds the patient responsible if they later change their mind, releasing the doctor from any and all responsibility. As with any surgery, patients are required to sign a consent form, but adding an appendix that would hold the patient liable for their choice should be added onto the consent forms.

Sterilization is also usually denied to patients because regret rates are a true occurrence that are not uncommon for the average young patient. There are, however, alternative options for couples if they do later want to start a family.

Although not always successful, in-vitro fertilization is an option if a couple wants to try for biological children. If in-vitro fertilization is not an option or is not wanted, then a consensual, surrogate pregnancy with a trusted female is also an option, or even adoption if a surrogate pregnancy is not possible. There are many options available to a couple if they change their mind later in life about starting a family.

Finally, it is not uncommon for an individual looking to undo their fertility to be asked, What if your partner later wants kids? Although sterilization is an entirely voluntary procedure, meaning that the patient must make their decision at their own discretion, one possible solution could be to encourage the patient to discuss their choice with their partner if they have one. This would give the couple the option to discuss such an influential life decision, although the decision would still ultimately rest upon the individual obtaining the procedure.

Sterilization is a procedure that is safe and effective, yet holds a stigma around it because it is permanent and there are other options such as the IUD, implant and other hormonal options such as the pill, patch or ring. However, for patients that are absolutely sure they wish to remain childfree and do not wish to manage contraceptives, sterilization is a valid option that allows a couple to freely enjoy their romantic life without the hassle of birth control or the fear of possible political influence on their availability.

Sterilization also offers peace of mind with the security of a vasectomy, even paired with a bilateral salpingectomy for the utmost effectiveness. In fact, upon talking to Dr. Peters, he enlightened me on the fact that, every study done has shown that people with children perform lower in every measurable form of success or happiness. This demonstrates how couples are no less valid for not wanting children than they would be if they did decide to reproduce, and even younger couples should be respected in their decision.

Read more here:

Let Them Be Snipped: A Proposal of Ideas - ODU Mace & Crown

Ina Gartens life is a delicious one and as the Barefoot Contessa and cookbook queen, she never felt like she needed to have kids for it to be that way.

In a visit with Katie Couric for Courics podcast on Thursday, Garten opened up about her decision not to have children with her husband Jeffrey.

We decided not to have children, she told Couric. I really appreciate that other people do, and we will always have friends that have children that we are close to, but it was a choice I made very early. I really felt I feel that I would have never been able to have the life Ive had. So its a choice and that was the choice I made.

Listen to Couric and Gartens chat below.

Excerpt from:

Ina Garten On Being Childfree: 'It's A Choice And That Was The ... - Huffington Post

Chrissy Teigen thinks its important for people to leave it to women to discuss if theywantchildren instead of simply assuming every woman does.

The model and mother of 11-month-old daughter Luna sat down with Refinery29s Arianna Davis to talk about her struggle with post-partum depression and why our society needs to accept women who choose to lead childfree lives.The interview is part of R29s new series Mothership, which highlights women and their different experiences with motherhood or their choices to be childfree.

When Davis broached the subject of motherhood as an if, not a when, for women, Teigen replied that women should have the space to discuss motherhood as an option,not a guarantee.

Davis revealed that she is personally struggling with the decision to have kids or not, especially when people assume everyone wants children.

Well, first of all, I want to commend you in your decision to be open about maybe not having children at all, Teigen told Davis. I think its really commendable to even doubt the process out loud, because I dont feel like people should be pressured to have children.

Teigen said that all too often people are appalled when a woman reveals it was her choice to live a childfree life.

Im sure that when you announce that fact [that youre trying to decide if you want children] to somebody, theyre very quick to be like, Gasp! Why dont you want kids? Teigen said. And Ive never been that way with people, because I dont think any of us should assume all womens goals are to have kids. Its a choice!

This isnt the first time Teigens spoken out about the pressures women face to have children.

In a 2015 interview with Tyra Banks, Teigen who, at that point, did not have children explained how hard it was for her and her husband to have a child and the shame she experienced surrounding infertility.

Its been a process!Weve seen fertility doctors. And then once you open up about all those things to other people, you start learning that a lot of people in your life are seeing these people, and they have this shame about it, she told Banks. So anytime somebody asks me if Im going to have kids, Im like, One day,youre going to ask that to the wrong girl whos really struggling, and its going to be really hurtful to them. And I hate that. So I hate it. Stop asking me!

Head over to Refinery29 to read Teigens full interview.

View post:

Chrissy Teigen: We Shouldn't 'Assume All Women's Goals Are To Have Kids' - Huffington Post

A recent study, Parenthood as a Moral Imperative? Moral Outrage and the Stigmatization of Voluntarily Childfree Women and Men by Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, has recently received quite a bit of online ink.

I elaborate on the study here; briefly - the study had 204 introductory psychology college students randomly read one of four versions of a paragraph about the life of an alleged former student after s/he had graduated. They then answered questions that pertained to the alumnis psychological fulfillment or adjustment and the extent to which the alumni made them feel disapproval, angry, outraged, annoyed and disgusted.

A heap of online headlines put a big spotlight on one of the findings that not having children inspires moral outrage in others. However, reading the study itself is very informative. Jenna Watling Neal, who was part of a discussion on the study on Facebook makes an astute observation:

Ashburn-Nardo does acknowledge this in the article: the mean levels of moral outrage were small overall. However, many online headlines would make one think the findings were a lot stronger than the study found. As Watling Neal remarks, the findings are overblown in the media!

I have seen a fair amount of this online, and contemplate the impacts.

Though certainly not the first time headlines overstate research findings, in this case, I wonder how much they will serve to confirm perceptions that the childfree somehow do deserve moral outrage. To what degree does it feed the perpetuation of the pronatalist notion that parenthood is a moral imperative? To the extent it breeds pronatalism dogma, it notches back the progress of social change.

Or, does it ultimately notch progress forward? There is more awareness today than a generation ago that stigmas and misperceptions exist and shouldnt - about not having children by choice. For some years now, academics and authors have shined much light on how the childfree are ostracized, criticized and judged. Through blogs, e-publications, and forums, the evolution of our online world has made so much more information accessible, and provided the opportunity for the childfree to find community. Perhaps, as provocateur, exaggerated headlines draw people in to read online pieces, join in discussion, and inspire wanting to learn more, which can ultimately foster even more education about the childfree choice and those who make it.

So do instances of exaggerated headlines notch progress backward or forward? Maybe it does both.

Also consider how overstated headlines impact the perception of societys acceptance of the childfree choice. When the headline reads that being childfree inspires moral outrage, one could easily be led to believe that we are a long ways from society seeing this choice as equally legitimate as the choice to become a parent.

In 2012, I put out an online poll asking this question: How accepting is society of the childfree choice? Fifty-eight percent of the almost 700 respondents chose this response: It is more accepted today than 10 years ago but we still have a ways to go.

From being on the pulse of the childfree choice for 18 years now, I too say, we have a ways to go, and that in the last 40+ years, we have come a long way as well. Today, if you appeared on TV to talk about the childfree choice, it is highly unlikely you would lose your job like Marcia Drut-Davis did in the 70s. The internet continues to serve as a powerful, evolving platform for the childfree to come out of the silent margins. And today, we see much more dialectic on understanding the childfree choice, and how the stigmas, perceptions and judgments need to be questioned. We see more outspokenness about not buying into the stigmas, perceptions and judgments held by previous generations.

Outrage has a place, but not directed at the childfree. Instead, on the road to change, shouldnt it inspire outrage when:

These questions point to pronatalist forces that continue to drive too many peoples beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. What should also inspire outrage is the fact that pronatalism, which consists of outmoded and untrue assumptions about reproduction and parenthood, is uncritically followed, and has many negative impacts on all of us.

Yet, I am inspired by the words of Rebecca Solnit, that, Undoing social frameworks of millennia is not the work of a generation or a few decades but a process of creation and destruction that is epic in scope. On this important path of undoing, we need to continue to speak out about the wrongful perceptions, criticisms and judgments, and now more than ever, to pronatalism, the behemoth of a force that drives them.

Here is the original post:

The Childfree, Outrage, and Where It Belongs - Huffington Post

What happens when your dreams of parenthood lie in tatters? Letting go of that perfect image of marriage or coupledom, becoming a parent and living happily ever after is not an easy thing to do. When youre facing a lifetime living childfree against your wishes, you need guidance and support to accept and develop new dreams and a new life.

Helen Browne knows this path only too well. As chairwoman and one of three founding members of the National Infertility Support and Information Group (NISIG), shes all too aware of how isolating and lonely the experience of infertility can be. And she also knows what its like to let go of that perfect dream, move on and accept a childfree future.

Never mind the financial pressures, the emotional pressures and the relationship pressures, there comes a time when you just have to go through a grieving process and allow yourself to grieve for the life that you are not now going to have.

Despite all the advances in fertility treatments, many couples remain unable to have any children of their own. There are few reliable figures, but it is thought about one in six Irish couples is childless involuntarily. Many suffer depression, and several consider suicide. One in three such couples break up, blaming childlessness as the cause.

Undercurrent

In a country that venerates motherhood and children, it can be extremely difficult to be part of this super-select club, and one of which you did not initially choose to be a member. Many infertility sufferers feel theres a subtle undercurrent that runs through our society with a lot of Irish people thinking a childfree life is second best, cold and empty.

One woman I spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous, told me: It seems to me that you can only be flourishing if you are breeding in this country. Complete strangers have questioned my childlessness with no knowledge of my background. A couple of people have asked me Who will be there for you when youre old?, like I was somehow deliberately endangering my old age insurance policy. There were years of rage and anger before I finally accepted my childfree life.

A childfree life (a far preferable term than childless), either by choice or circumstance, does not come easy to many people. Most couples spend years and thousands of euro in infertility treatments before they have to accept that this particular dream will not be realised.

Infertility counsellor Liz Quish describes it as disenfranchised grief. Often theres a sense of denial and then anger and frustration about why this has to happen to you. Youre stuck and feel no one understands this grief youre going through. Its a bereavement process that you go through and its essential to do that if you want to move on.

No emotional support

Quish also speaks from experience. After getting married, she and her husband tried to get pregnant for a year and a half before seeking fertility treatment. She found there was no emotional support during the process, which initially involved several IVF cycles and then a trip to Spain for egg donation.

Its such an emotional rollercoaster and when youre in the process, its all about the procedures. When I was going through it, there was no support outside the clinic for when it didnt work. Her first IVF cycle was abandoned half-way through because of a poor response and a subsequent attempt was also unsuccessful. She tried the egg donor route twice and says: Its a very individual experience for every couple but, at that point, I knew I had to turn my energies to other areas of my life.

The experience of infertility is not easily expressed as a single thing, no few words encapsulate the way it interferes with almost every aspect of lives and relationships: home, marriage, sex, food, future, friends, family, parents, in-laws. A person cant just say one word, as they can with illness or bereavement, and have the scale of it understood.

Browne had a similar moment of accepting that her future was not as she imagined it. She and her husband, Ger, had tried seven attempts at IVF in 10 years. One time, they sold Helens fiesta to pay the fees to the fertility clinic. It consumed my life for 10 years, she says. I had endometriosis and I remember going in for the operation the first time and the doctor saying I would be pregnant in no time once I was fixed up. One of her fallopian tubes was wrapped around her bowel and the other was stuck to her womb. When the expected pregnancy didnt happen, she went back to find all her adhesions had come back and her tubes were completely blocked.

It is the worst experience in many ways once you are stuck in the infertility cycle. Lovemaking becomes a chore and you feel the pressures starting to affect you as a couple. And then youre surrounded by people getting pregnant and meanwhile you are stuck in this secret world of pain. Its so tough and many people initially battle this period alone which is terribly sad.

Dealing with the pain

She became an actress, she says, and put on this front for her life to help her deal with the pain. Setting up the NISIG in 1996 gave her an outlet for some of her energies because there was no one talking about the stress and pain and she wanted to be able to help others. There was no Dr Google in those days and we gave out a lot of information as well as support.

She found a counsellor for herself because she felt depressed and she wanted to move on. I was bawling when I saw him the first time. I said I wanted anti-depressants because I couldnt deal with everything that was going on. He suggested that she would need grief counselling. I remember it so well. He told me: You are not depressed. You are grieving, grieving deeply for babies that could have been. And it was then that the penny dropped for me. I was grieving grieving the loss of motherhood, of parenthood, the loss of my place in society. I could feel my body lifting in the counselling session because no one had ever mentioned grief to me before.

Infertility is a deeply private experience, something most of those wrangling with it never discuss. Fertility, on the other hand, is not. Do you think youll ever have a baby? You two should hurry up and have kids. Best thing I ever did. I know what you career women are like. All these comments have been unthinkingly said to women who are going through the private pain of infertility.

Nobody forgets to have children. Its usually either a positive choice or theres a raw and painful battle dragging on behind the scenes.

Prepare a script

Liz Quish suggests women and couples develop a script which stops them going on the back foot when these conversations inevitably come up. Its individual to each couple but its a really good coping mechanism to have. So many people are walking around in fear of the questions, so if you are prepared, you get some of your power back.

Some couples simply say they dont want to talk about it while others have developed a bit of a background which explains their story. It takes the pressure off and allows a recovery process to begin. Mike Ryan* describes it as an overwhelming sense of loss. After 10 years of IVF cycles, he and his wife, Jenny, had to accept that their dreams of a family were not to be. The pain is so hard to describe. Its just not talked about either so we felt it was just us going through this terrible nightmare.

We had given up travelling, remortgaged the house a few times and put our lives on hold really, in the hope that a baby would arrive. When it didnt happen, both Mike and Jenny attended counselling, separately and together. It nearly ended our relationship. The pressures and emotions are so overwhelming. You need to come to terms with the grief first and then once that has eased you can take a look at where you want to go.

Replacing the old dreams with new ones has been painful but they are well down the road to recovery now, Mike says.

We are now building a new life for ourselves. We are stronger and were looking at what this new life might be like.

The only difficulty they have now is the unthinking and, at times, cruel comments that their family, friends and acquaintances still make. I remember a few years back we went on holiday for the first time in five years and it was a big holiday to the Caribbean. It was our treat to ourselves for the years we lost. One of our friends kept making comments about how it was well for us.

gallivanting around the world when he had to say home with the babies. It was so hard to walk away and not tell him that I would have given anything to be in his shoes.

*Name changed for privacy reasons. You can find out more information about the National Infertility Support and Information Group at nisig.ie and contact Liz Quish at lizquish.ie

No one knows the secret pain that a lot of people struggling with infertility carry with them daily. So whether youre aware of someones efforts to conceive or not, its time Irish people faced the fact that they are incredibly tactless around couples with no children. Mike remembers the time someone said to him: We always wanted to have a family it really stopped me in my tracks, it was like suggesting because I didnt have children, Jenny and I were not a proper family. A lot of the pain in the early days came from comments and the expectations people have. I asked some couples about the hurtful things people have said and came up with this list. Please avoid the following statements to childfree couples:

- When are you going to have children? - Stop worrying. Youll get pregnant if you stop trying so hard and relax. - You should adopt. Do you know how many children there are who need good homes? - But youre so young. You have plenty of time to get pregnant. - It could be worse. It could be cancer. - Maybe youre not meant to be parents. - Still no babies yet? - You can have my children if you want. - Its such a shame; youd be an amazing parent. - It will happen naturally if you let it.

See more here:

What not to say to couples who don't have children - The Irish Times - Irish Times