Tam Cowan: It felt like medics used the Hubble telescope to do my colonoscopy – Daily Record

Scientists in the US have created the worlds smallest camera - the same size as a single grain of salt!

Oh, how I wish that piece of equipment had been available on Tuesday when I went for a colonoscopy.

Might be wrong, dear reader, but Im sure they examined my bahookie with the Hubble telescope. Two days later and Im STILL walking about like Groucho Marx

Ive very grateful, though, especially at the time of a global pandemic. Listen, at a charity event I hosted last week, the top prize in the raffle was a doctors appointment.

I had a wee scare with my Simon Cowells two years ago the poo test at the time of my 50th birthday revealed traces of blood and I was whisked into hospital where they removed four polyps (theres a word Ill never forget).

This week, the very talented Dr Simon Dover - oh, how I wish his parents had called him Ben - zapped one tiny polyp and gave me a clean bill of health (well, notwithstanding my varicose veins and morbid obesity).

And you know what? I make absolutely no apology for putting you off your breakfast by writing about the inner workings of my posterior as I simply want to remind every single Daily Record reader: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!

A free bowel screening test is available to everyone in Scotland from the age of 50 and, as I learned from my little episode in 2019, it could save your life.

So, at the risk of repeating myself: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!

To be honest, the colonoscopy was easy-peasy. As one of my pals joked, you only have to worry if the doc says Look - no hands!

Another wisecracker suggested I should lighten the mood by secreting plastic toys and Dinky cars up my bum.

I also loved the patter from a couple of (ahem) well-wishers on my Instagram page.

All the best, said Steve Inness, just put it behind you and, on the hole, you should be fine.

And I laughed out loud when a fella called Blair Allan dubbed me The Sultan of Broon-Eye.

Sure, even under anaesthetic, the procedure was a wee bit sore - reminiscent of the time I caught my willy in my zip (after that eye-watering experience, ladies, I went back to wearing shoes with laces).

But if laughter really is the best medicine, I knew Id be fine when I spotted the sign above the door that read Endoscopy Procedure Area - No Unauthorised Access

I hope so!!!

Tell you what, though, I wasnt laughing the day before my colonoscopy when I had to clear out my system with TWO LITRES of laxative.

Laugh? I was terrified to cough!

My panto pal Johnny Mac - brilliant as Buttons alongside Elaine C Smith in the Kings Theatre, Glasgow, production of Cinderella - reckons that opening night is the best laxative in the world.

Aye right. Hes clearly never tried the stuff they give you before a colonoscopy.

Its called MoviPrep (orange flavour, allegedly) and, boy-oh-boy, it could put Slimfast out of business.

My advice? Make sure youre never more than TWO FEET from a toilet pan.

Anyway, wont go into too much detail (Youre too late! - Ed) but, if I can use a Christmas turkey analogy, youre good to go when the juices run clear

After Dr Dover had worked his magic, I was picked up at the hospital by my wife - having gone 24 hours without food and still woozy from the anaesthetic, I was unsteadier on my feet than Celtic striker Kyogo - and, absolutely STARVING, we drove straight to one of my favourite restaurants (Little Soho in Glasgow) for a double cheeseburger & chips.

I actually fancied a curry but, after two litres of MoviPrep, itll be at least another fortnight before I go anywhere near a vindaloo

PS. One more time, ladies and gentlemen GET YOURSELF CHECKED!

Good news for all us Coronation Street fans - the legendary Roy Cropper is making his comeback on the cobbles at Christmas.

After signing everything over to his niece Nina, regular viewers feared the cafe owner was away to South America for good

Nah, no chance. Hed never be able to stand the heat in that anorak

Enjoyed a terrific night at the Whitehall Theatre in Dundee last Friday hosting An Evening with Harry Redknapp.

The football legend and former King of the Jungle on Im A Celeb was in top form - the audience absolutely loved him - and Ill share just a couple of his great stories.

After signing Paul Merson - a player with serious drugs, drink and gambling issues - he promised Harry hed get in shape and got permission to spend two weeks at Tony Adams rehabilitation clinic in Hertfordshire.

A fortnight later, Merson returned to the club - with a suntan!

Hed gone to Barbados for a fortnight

Never one to shy away from controversy, I also asked Harry about his pet dog Rosie - as you may recall, he famously opened a Monaco bank account in her name which led police to his secret bungs.

Shes no longer with us, said Harry.

What happened to her? I asked.

And to howls from the audience, he smiled and said: I shot her - she knew too much

Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starter pistol.

Single malt whisky is set to triple in price next year due to the worst supply chain crisis in the industrys history.

So let me get this straight - youll pay treble, but still only see double?

Seems unfair, eh?

PS. Staying with food & drink, heres a fascinating query I received last week: is there a chip shop in Scotland that sells SQUARE sausage suppers???

We all love a sausage supper in this country - nearly as much as we love our famous square-sliced.

So how come nobody (as far as Im aware) has combined the two?

I reckon theres DEFINITELY a gap in the market.

After forking out a small fortune on flights and accommodation, I felt really sorry for the Rangers fans who were told - at extremely short notice - they cant attend tonights Europa League tie in Lyon.

Theyd already been banned from entering the city centre as the game clashes with the Festival of Light which dates back to 1643 and attracts half a million visitors to the Lyon.

As a spokesman for the Rangers Supporters Association apparently said: Thats utterly ridiculous. Why are they still celebrating something that started in the 17th century?

Last weeks Saturday edition of Off The Ball featured The Toilet Roll XI as our Team of the Week.

For example, Tore Andrex Flo, Jurgen Plop and George Best (he was usually three sheets to the wind).

But heres a cracker that arrived too late for the show - referee Willie Collum.

Why? Well, hes the tube in the middle.

Meanwhile, when the legendary loo roll from school - the tracing paper that was Izal - got a mention, Robert in Beauly told us it was just like haggling in an Arnold Clark showroom.

No matter how much you try, you hardly get anything off

PS. Another subject last week was: What has Glasgow done for you?

An email that dropped after the programme said: Well be forever grateful to this wonderful city.

And it was signed (aye right!) by all the monks at Buckfast Abbey in Devon.

PPS. On which note - and keeping it closer to your Lanarkshire correspondents neck of the woods - please tell me theres at least ONE pub in Airdrie at this time of year that sells MULLED Buckfast tonic wine?

Finally got my Christmas tree up AND the washing sorted!

Raider of the Lost Bark.

Any reader know someone called Leon who might want these? I ordered Noel but they sent me the wrong one.

Celtic legends Chris Sutton and John Hartson were thrilled to meet Oscar-winning Gandhi star Ben Kingsley.

First it was elf on the shelf, now its

Word of the week is testiculate: to wave ones arms around while talking bollocks.

Dear Santa, all I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please dont mix it up again like last year.

In this cold weather, spare a thought for all the pigs who heard they were getting blankets for Christmas.

I was on a flight last week and the lunch choice was either chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately I was seated in the back row. I was hoping for the breast, but prepared for the wurst.

Due to the recent cold snap, schools are advising mothers to wear TWO pairs of pyjamas while dropping the kids off in the morning.

My sex life is like a Ferrari. I dont have a Ferrari.

The four stages of a mans life: 1/ you believe in Santa; 2/ you dont believe in Santa; 3/ you are Santa; 4/ you look like Santa.

A huge blaze totally destroyed the doctors surgery last night. Unfortunately, the fire brigade are only doing telephone appointments right now

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry last night. You f****** idiot! I shouted through gritted teeth.

Really wish I hadnt taken my son to see Father Christmas yesterday - hed clearly been drinking and he stank of cigarettes. Goodness knows what Santa thought of him.

Warning: if you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, dont open it! Its a link to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song...

A 99-year-old woman has been revealed as Britains oldest (guess what?) learner driver!

Sure enough, in every report I read there was NO mention of where exactly shes from.

And so, for super safety, Id advise every single motorist in the UK to stay off the roads

You know it makes sense.

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Tam Cowan: It felt like medics used the Hubble telescope to do my colonoscopy - Daily Record