Learn to say no with grace and confidence – Santa Fe New Mexican

Implausible as it may seem, in the middle of the social rut and great pause that is the pandemic, I am actually feeling overbooked in my own home.

In between a rote schedule of breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and more snack followed by dinner, my children yell out request after request. They call out Moooooom repeatedly until I respond; the answer is repeatedly no.

Ironically, its this simple two-letter word I need to keep in my vocabulary for the demands of the big kid world.

As we age, we lose childhood characteristics like confidence, wanderlust and a no-fear attitude. And, I wonder if losing the ability to say no with reckless abandon serves us.

How do we make the transition from people-pleasing yeses to the nos of our childhood?

Although Ive covered the topic in years past, a reminder is in order for our health and well-being. I feel the pandemic is asking more of us than ever before. In addition, weve been presented with numerous COVID-19 safety scenarios requiring a definitive response.

For some, no rolls off the tongue easily. For others, paralysis sets in for fear of hurting someones feelings.

It is important to recognize limitations, be they related to schedule, strength or interest. You, and those around you, might be better served if you did say no every now and then. By doing so, youre being honest about the fact that you wont or cant do something, rather than saying yes and dropping the ball or feeling embittered.

By reluctantly accommodating a request, youre shutting the door on creating a much-needed boundary and, thus, more opportunities for yourself. The trick is to weigh the balance between self-preservation and the Golden Rule.

So, how does a person inclined to always say yes bring him or herself to utter the big N-O? With sugar on top, if necessary. No need to fear appearing stern or abrupt. Your response doesnt need to be backed up by apologies, excuses or little white lies.

Your facial expression, eye contact and tone often convey what youre feeling. Softening what may be a difficult decline, these cues, when displayed positively, serve as a buffer. The etiquette of no is about making others feel acknowledged without compromising yourself.

William Ury, Ph.D., penned The Power of a Positive No, about the crucial art of delivering it in every area of life. Avoid avoidance, says Ury. A quick no is better than a slow maybe.

Most people Ive interviewed feel being direct is best, and a friend wrote, I see it as respectful to their time and emotional energy. It also models good behavior for your children. Hearing it leads to creative thinking and deters entitlement.

Speaking of children, there is the school of thought that no should be reserved for serious situations so as not to wear out its effect. For the day-to-day requests redirect with something like this:

I am not free to do that now but let me know if you still need my help when I am finished.

I wonder what that would look like if you tried it without leaving the ground/without making an actual sound.

That looks like something for outside.

That might work but what if we try it this way.

When a no is in order, use eye contact and follow it up with an explanation:

No! You must hold my hand in the parking lot.

When communicating with peers, channel the confidence of your inner 2-year-old with the tact and wisdom of your adult self. Try these firm yet polite responses the next time youre asked to take on additional tasks for work, to volunteer, to climb a mountain or to carry the weight of the world:

Concerned about what comes next? Offer your encouragement and then move on by changing the subject. By not dragging out excuses, you appear firm and confident.

These pandemic years will long be remembered for their uncertainty, upheaval and unprecedented demands. Empowering yourself to say no every once in a while provides a sense of control and builds resilience. Say yes to self-care and self-worth.

Bizia Greene is an etiquette expert and owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to hello@etiquettesantafe.com or 505-988-2070.

Continue reading here:

Learn to say no with grace and confidence - Santa Fe New Mexican