Category Archives: Childfree

Animals are definitely one of the best things in our lives. Pretty much the same as kids. Some people, however, believe that they are the same, although, of course, things are much more complicated with children and most parents are well aware of this.

But still, there is a category of people who are so fond of their wonderful doggos that they even identify with the nickname dog dads or dog moms. One of these women will be discussed in our story.

More specifically, the Original Poster in the AITA Reddit community was a longtime friend of one of these dog moms and the post has so far racked up over 3.5K upvotes, as well as 625 different comments. Most of the commenters supported the OP however, lets go in order.

More info: Reddit

Image credits: DaPuglet (Tina) (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Brunch_with_dogs

So, the OP and her friend Leila have known each other for a long time, since middle school. Together they were friends with five other women who had already had children for a long time, while the OP and Leila just had furbabies instead cats and dogs, respectively.

Image credits: Brunch_with_dogs

On Mothers Day their group usually has a party although the OP didnt particularly like to participate, as her friends with children mostly discussed their offspring and various things related to them, while the OP was not very familiar with diapers, night feedings, first steps and so on.

But she still took part in these meetings and this went on for many years, until the children grew up, and the parents began to gather for outings with husbands and parents like one big friendly family.

Image credits: Brunch_with_dogs

But Leila eventually became a real dog mom. She decided to stay childfree in her youth, and shortly before that, she divorced her husband because he had changed his point of view about having children. And then Leila got a wonderful doggo named Lemon. She spoiled him in every possible way, dressed him up in beautiful clothes and generally treated him like a baby.

For example, she sent greeting cards on his behalf, threw him birthday parties and emphasized that she was also a mother. Everything was fine and calm until the time of the next Mothers Day came.

Image credits: Rob Bixby (not the actual photo)

This time the friends from the group who had children decided not to invite OP and Leila, simply because they were not always so interested in discussing various childrens issues. The OP took it calmly and with understanding, but Leila was immediately offended.

The OP tried to explain that even though she is a dog mom, raising a child is still not comparable to keeping a dog. After all, she adopted the puppy when he was already 11 weeks old, specialists help with training and grooming, and in general, the cat-loving OP and Leila are not quite the same kind of moms.

But Leila just turned around and left, and none of her friends heard from her again. Only one of them, who worked with her, heard the woman making some comments about how she was intentionally left out and her friends dont take her seriously because she doesnt have a crotch goblin. In general, the OP began to doubt whether she was right or wrong and whether she was talking appropriately with her friend.

Image credits: Brunch_with_dogs

However, the commenters quickly tried to dispel all the OPs doubts, confirming most of the arguments that she cited in a conversation with Leila. For example, one of the commenters wrote that she could easily leave a two-year-old dog at home, while no one could ever leave a two-year-old child.

Being childfree is fantastic, but dont relate yourself to Mothers Day just because dogs arent kids, another commenter stated. And actually, anyone who unironically uses the phrase crotch goblin to describe children is automatically TA that was another opinion. And some of the commenters advised Leila just to celebrate Pet Parent Day, which, by the way, falls on the last Sunday of April.

Perhaps Leila will calm down and make peace with her friends soon, and even start to celebrate the holiday that she was advised to. In the meantime, we are definitely waiting for your comments about this story, and even more for your own exciting stories.

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Dog Mom Vents About Being Excluded From Mother's Day Outing, Throws A Tantrum When Friend Tries To Explain That It's Not The Same As Having Children -...

Artist Lainey Molnar continues to capture what it is like to be a modern woman in her ongoing series of comics. Initially sparked by the first COVID-19 lockdowns in 2020, her creative practice has blossomed online, with hundreds of thousands of people from around the world following her highly popular Instagram account. The success of her digital comics can be attributed to their honesty, understanding, and underlying messages of empowerment to all women.

When Molnar started drawing her illustrations, she was 31 years old and single and facing many of the expectations that are placed on women, including marriage and motherhood. I'm now 33, still single, still not considering having children, she says, I don't have a degree, I can't drive a car, I've been self-employed jumping around gigs my entire life, I have 57 tattoos, I live out of suitcases, and spontaneously buy one-way plane tickets on a regular basis. I refuse to feel like these life decisions are any worse than anyone else's. While these personal comics began as a way for Molnar to explore her own life, she has expanded the characters and topics to illustrate a larger dialogue of different women's experiences.

We all think we don't belong, we are behind, we're getting things wrong, or we are flawed and it keeps our growth and potential at bay, Molnar continues. I fight for the acceptance of everyone's unapologetic selvesas long as it doesn't hurt anyone, why should we hide or change who we are? One of her latest comics features four panels with four unique female characters. One had an abortion, another gave the baby up, the third is a conflicted mom, and the last is childfree. Molnar adds a text bubble at the bottom of each situation to highlight how women's choices are frequently criticized, regardless of what that choice may be. Life decisions are not one dimensional, especially ones as huge as creating a new life, she adds in her Instagram post.

Scroll down for a taste of Molnars comics, and then be sure to follow her massively popularInstagramto see what shes drawing next.

Funny Comics Capture the Absurd Humor of Working in a Retail Store

Illustrator Creates Adorable Animal Comics That Inspire Self-Love

Artist Illustrates Everyday Life With His Wife and 1-Year-Old Daughter in Relatable Comics

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Comic Artist Captures the Daily Pressures of What It's Like To Be a Woman Today - My Modern Met

Theres a house in the neighborhood thats for sale, a three-bedroom, three-bath house that, by todays standards, isnt all that big under 2,000-square feet. Its listed at $1.8 million but everyone knows it will sell for more than $2 million.

A family raised their four children there and now that they are long grown and flown, a three-bedroom, three-bath house is a lot for a one person, a widow for the past decade, and a lot to keep up. So, shes moved.

Of course, the people flocking to the open houses are young families or young families-to-be, who one day will be empty-nesters and perhaps widowed, and stuck with a three-bedroom, three-bath house that will be too much for them.

Which reminds me of a comment someone made under a column of mine from a few weeks ago, on how being a woman in Marin is harder now than ever before.

This is the situation that most boomers find themselves in now. They painted themselves into this corner by protesting any new housing in this county over the pasty forty years Where I live in Marin there are all of these big 3-4-5 bedroom homes that have 1-2 old people living in them just clinging to their prop 13 lottery tickets, its such a waste of space. Hopefully things get better once this generation passes on, but I doubt it.

Well, given that the young families or young families-to-be snapping up multi-million-dollar homes in Marin and who one day will also be empty-nesters and perhaps widowed, and stuck with a three-bedroom, three-bath house that will be too much for them, I dont have much hope for things getting better.

Im a boomer and I have always been for building new housing in the county. But and this is a big but all kinds of housing. More three-, four- and five-bedroom homes in excess of 2,000-square feet? No, we dont need more of those houses.

What we need is creative housing made for how people live today.

Fewer people are getting married, fewer people are having children, and of those having children, many, nearly 43%, are one-child families, a number thats expected to continue rising. In 2030, there will be more people over the age of 65 than under for the first time in history. More than 50% of American adults are single in 1950, it was a mere 22%. There are about 11 million single-parent families, most overwhelmingly headed by single moms, who earn less than men do.

You bet seniors, singles and single parents dont need to have huge homes. But where is housing for them? Where are cozy houses of about 1,000-square feet or less, perfect for one or two people? Not condominiums paying for homeowner association fees on top of a mortgage makes condos, usually the most affordable housing to buy in Marin, unaffordable to many.

A handful of one-bedroom, one-bath houses of under 700-square feet often converted garages or ADUs exist in Marin. Some are in my neighborhood. Even they are valued at astronomical amounts, close to $1 million.

A friend and I were talking about this recently. Both single women, wed happily move to a one- or two-bedroom house if we could. But there just arent that many around here that actually are affordable, and so were stuck.

Theres been a lot of pushback on SB 9 and 10, the new laws that allow multiple units to be built on the same footprint as a single-family home. Everyone is so worried about how that will change the character of a neighborhood that they cant even see how it could actually enhance a neighborhood.

Imagine a couple buys a duplex and rents out the second unit, lessening their financial load. Then they become parents and the now-family of four occupies both floors as a single-family home because the way the duplex is built makes it easy for them to do so. Then their kids grow up, and theyre empty nesters. Now they can easily and cheaply convert their single-family home back into a duplex, with one unit back as a rental, or for a caregiver, or for a family member, perhaps their adult children, offering closeness but privacy in a multigeneration home.

It could just as easily be two single moms buying a duplex together, creating a chosen family situation where they help each other with childcare. It could just as easily be a single person who could benefit from creating rental income.

At least one Philadelphia company, Module, is thinking along those lines, inspired by the innovative Chilean architect Alejandro Aravenas design for incremental, affordable housing.

The housing we build ignores the fact that many people are single, either by choice or by chance, or who are childfree couples, or are at an age where they dont need or want a huge house. There is scant housing in Marin and elsewhere for people like them like me.

Building affordable housing? Yes please. But all kinds of affordable housing. Its time.

Vicki Larsons So It Goes opinion column runs every other week. Contact her at vlarson@marinij.com and follow her on Twitter atOMG Chronicles

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Vicki Larson: Its time to get creative about what affordable housing means - Marin Independent Journal

I cried for nearly a year after ending a serious relationship when I was 34. In retrospect, I wasnt mourning the loss of the relationship the emotional turmoil had become overwhelming, and lots of counseling hadnt been able to repair what was broken. My tears were largely about the baby I assumed Id eventually become pregnant with and the prospective family Id hinged upon the success of that partnership. It wasnt just a breakup for me, it was motherhood drifting further out of sight. Its predicament women face all the time.

The story of a precipitously declining fertility rate (in the U.S. and globally) is often told as one of women in couples marrying later, trying to conceive later, and having fewer babies, along with an increasing number of people choosing to be childfree. But alongside this reality, there is a different group who are less understood: Single women nearing the end of their childbearing years who say they want children but have not had them yet.

Many of these wanna-be mothers forgo parenthood (through decision or indecision) because they are not married or partnered, a situation academics sometimes refer to as social infertility. Research shows the factor most responsible for the increase in childlessness in the late 20th century is the increasing proportion of women who are not married by age 40.

This is the landscape I was navigating when at 35, I froze my eggs in a bid to buy a little more time to meet a future partner, and so that if I didnt, Id have a better chance of having a child on my own someday. As it turned out, I fell in love at 37, and at 40, we had a baby. But initially, I wasnt willing to put all my eggs in one basket (pun intended).

For years I navigated two different paths, preparing myself for a solo journey to motherhood while simultaneously dating someone I thought was very likely to become my long-term partner and my childs father. For me, thinking about becoming a solo mom involved some fear and mourning, but it also stirred a deep sense of relief to acknowledge that my desire for motherhood was not contingent on whether a relationship worked or not.

A study by Karen Benjamin Guzzo, director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research at Bowling Green State University, found that 42% of childless women between the ages 40 and 44 (in other words, the end of their childbearing years) wanted to have a baby. But if you compare the percentage of women who want a child with the percentage of women who actually intend to have a child, a more complicated picture emerges: Less than half of those who wanted to have a baby intended to have one. Although the study does not speculate why this gulf exists, the space between wanting and intending to have a baby is emotionally fraught terrain, littered with concerns about money, fertility issues and many hoped-for partners who never materialized.

Melanie Notkin is an expert on the emerging demographic of childless, single women, sometimes referred to as PANKS, Professional Aunts No Kids. She describes the group as consisting of child-loving, affluent women without children of their own by circumstance, choice or challenge. In a 2018 survey, she found that nearly half (49%) are childless by circumstance. Why? Most expect, hope or had expected to have a child but the majority remain single, or were single during their fertile years. Her report showed that 47% of partnerless PANKS would not consider single motherhood.

The fact that so many women hinge parenthood on something as mercurial as the promise of a lifelong romantic partnership makes some sense: Mainstream culture still pushes us toward a soulmate as a prerequisite to starting a family, and concerns about the potential loneliness of being a solo parent, and the ability to afford a child on one income are real. Life can be quite hard for solo moms, but it's important to remember that so much of that hardship is not inevitable, but rather, by design. Our culture encourages nuclear families and discourages single parenthood; its an ideological bias still enshrined in law and policy, and one that needs to be tackled head-on.

[T]hinking about becoming a solo mom involved some fear and mourning, but it also stirred a deep sense of relief ...

In other ways though, forgoing parenthood specifically because one does not want to be a single parent constitutes a logical fallacy. Being a single parent isnt necessarily a permanent identity, and many are single for a period of time, before romantically coupling and raising children together (often in blended families). Many single parents build networks of support and community to help care for their children that are even deeper and more robust than another parent could provide. Nevertheless, this personal calculus about prospective family life steers many single, wannabe parents away from trying, and causes a lot of existential angst, along with some profound sadness and deep regret.

While there is no easy answer for single women who want children but would prefer to have a partner first, we could begin by shifting focus from what we cannot ultimately control (finding a romantic partner) to what we typically can (conceiving a baby). Fertility, after all, has real time constraints, but finding a romantic partner does not. This should not be a radical provocation.

This concern helping women have children on their own might seem frivolous against the terrifying backdrop of a powerful forced-birth movement poised to overturn Roe v. Wade. But it's the flip side of the same coin. Both the right to end a pregnancy and to conceive a child on your own terms are issues of agency and self-determination, a spectrum of choices encompassed in a reproductive justice framework.

Plus, helping single women have the children they want is a good idea on a macro-level for those concerned with boosting fertility rates, but more importantly, for the well-being of wannabe parents, some of whom forgo parenthood entirely and others who have children within unhealthy and fragile partnerships out of fear of a missed opportunity. Helping these folks have more agency and fewer potential regrets seems at minimum like a humane response.

Some will respond to this suggestion with credulity, and worry about the welfare of children, but concerns about the well-being of children raised by single mothers tend to be deeply exaggerated. The overall conclusion of a meta-analysis of the data by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) is that the causal effects of sole parenthood on child well-being, if it exists, is small thats the only conclusion to be asserted with confidence. A European study specifically comparing the well-being of children growing up in single-mother-by-choice and heterosexual two-parent families, meanwhile, found no differences in terms of the parent-child relationship or child development. It did find that single-mothers-by-choice had greater social support networks.

This should be the starting point for a new conversation that accounts for the reality of emergent demographic trends (i.e., declining fertility rates and increasing numbers of single, childless women), centers the well-being of children, and harnesses a cultural zeitgeist supporting families of all types.

Our culture encourages nuclear families and discourages single parenthood; its an ideological bias still enshrined in law and policy, and one that needs to be tackled head-on.

From a policy perspective, there are some obvious starting points. The high cost of reproductive technologies like IVF (and even IUI), which make dreams of motherhood prohibitive for so many, ought to be covered by insurance for all women, so that choosing to become a solo mom is no longer a privilege exclusively for the affluent. Where this coverage is available it is almost always indicated for treating infertility, but insurance has historically relied on a heteronormative definition of infertility, based on having heterosexual intercourse for some period of time that does not result in a pregnancy a definition that leaves out all single women (and LGBTQ couples). We need to be advocating for legislation that defines infertility in the most inclusive manner, along with having more public conversations about the rights of unpartnered adults to form families, which includes non-discriminatory access to fertility treatments.

We also need to pass the caregiving provisions of the stalled Build Back Better agenda, including reinstating the expanded Child Tax Credit, making historic investments in childcare to make it more affordable, universal free preschool for 3 and 4-year-olds and paid family and medical leave. These policies would help all families, but are particularly critical for single parents.

There are also a host of single-parent penalties within our policies that could use fixing. For example, the child tax credit had a lower phaseout for those filing as Head of Household (largely single parents), which is nonsensical when you consider that its purpose is to offset the costs of raising a child costs that are the same if not more for single parents who must secure childcare to work outside the home. Paid leave laws, admirably designed with a sex-neutral approach in order to encourage more fathers to take leave, have the unfortunate practical effect of disadvantaging children born to solo parents, because they are eligible for only half as much leave as two parent families. These parents are more likely to be working-class or poor and people of color.

Its time to let go of outdated and inaccurate ideas about how families should form

We should also take on housing policies, like single-family zoning laws, that make it harder for multiple families to share space and costs (something some single moms are already doing). Workplace culture, in general, must do much more to respect the boundaries of home life and employees caregiving realities. Something as simple as offering stipends to cover childcare whenever evening events or work travel is required would go a long way in helping solo moms.

This is not a comprehensive list of solutions, but rather a selection of examples to highlight all the obstacles women face when considering having children on their own.

Working toward a culture where everyone who wants to love, nurture and raise a child has the opportunity to do so is a worthy, admirable goal. It recognizes the inherent dignity of choosing to parent, and the right of adults to form the families of their choosing. It frees adults from romantic entanglements they might be wise to avoid by untethering having a child with finding a partner or co-parent. Its time to let go of outdated and inaccurate ideas about how families should form and create a culture and policy landscape that helps all women have the children they want.

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Motherhood isn't contingent on a romantic relationship. So why do we still treat it that way? - WBUR News

Women around the world are choosing to forego motherhood. Yet more often than not stigma remains the global response, despite a decades-long global trend of women making this decision.

Varied social perceptions greet the choice to not bear children, depending on the culture and economic status of the country. Yet regardless of income level, globally recognized female stereotypes often place a high value on a womans fertility and her potential role as a mother, making it harder for women to exercise their agency to embrace other alternatives.

Advocates for womens choice are working to dismantle these stigmas and societal expectations, but the speed of this progress greatly depends on the social mobility and social currency women are allowed in their respective cultures. Nevertheless, the increasing rates of voluntarily childfree women are driving a momentum that will force societies in both high and low-income countries to confront their beliefs on how women are valued. The hope behind this momentum is to shift societys expectations to a more evolved recognition of womens value beyond motherhood.

In high-income countries (HICs), women have more freedom to independently make childbearing choices. Women in HICs have many reasons to remain childfreeranging from professional aspirations to concerns about finances or even climate change. They also have more freedom to forgo children due to a lack of desire to be a mother. Since contraceptives became widely available in HICs in the 1970s, women have had more opportunities to make individual choices regarding their own reproductive health, and being childfree has increasingly been seen as a deliberate, individual choice.

Despite their access to family planning options, voluntarily childfree women in HICs still face mixed reactions from their peers regarding their choice. A 2016 study found that childfree women were viewed less favorably than mothers and infertile women by both women and men. They also experienced more social backlash and pressure about their parenthood decisions than did women with children. Childfree participants in another similar study reported being excluded from social activities due to their lack of children.

These negative perceptions of voluntarily childfree women in HICs highlights how a patriarchal structure still dominates many countries that tout progressive womens advancement opportunities and statistics. Larger societal conflicts over voluntary childlessness remain clear, when the moral outrage reflected in opinion polling is juxtaposed with prominent social movements in HICs to allow women to make their own choices regarding their bodies, including whether or not to have children. This juxtaposition further highlights the barriers to embracing female autonomy, or the ability to make decisions independently, even in countries where contraceptives are widely available.

Despite the growing acceptance of childfree women in HICs, women in low-to-middle income countries (LMICs) face the starker challenge of significantly stronger social stigmas and negative perceptions around their ability to choose whether or not to bear children.

Women in LMICs often have less access to education and to the material assets needed to progress in a financially sustainable career than women in HICs. This often leads women to depend on their male partners for access to healthcare, including reproductive health services and family planning resources. Studies have also found men in LMICs hold negative perceptions around family planning options (such as female birth control) due both to misinformation and social expectations. If male partners do not agree with the use of family planning methods to avoid pregnancy, then women have additional barriers to accessing family planning options and are subject to their partners desires for children.

Studies in LMICs have found unmet need for family planning ranges between 20 and 58 percent, and there are broader reasons than inter-relationship conflict that explain why women in LMICs dont use family planning services as much as women in HICs. Respondents in one study cited lack of access to and knowledge of contraceptives and family planning options as their main reason for not using contraception to avoid pregnancy. Another study found the majority of women in LMICs chose not to use contraceptives due to fears about side effects.

Social pressures strongly influence womens autonomy around family planning decisions in LMICs, as well. Women in rural India reported feeling strongly pressured to have children and childfree women experienced strong stigma in society, resulting in feelings of guilt, role failure, loss of self-esteem, abandonment by the family, social isolation, and impoverishment. Even high-income, urban childfree women in LMICs report feeling burdened with a deep sense of guilt for not producing children. Not having children also presents a risk of women being abandoned by their husbands in countries like Bangladesh, where marriage and subsequent childbearing is the only socially-acceptable path for women to follow.

When social pressures and medical misinformation are added to an existing lack of access to family planning options and the prioritization of male preferences in LMICs, it is not a question of if a woman will have children but when. Womens choice in the matter is largely ignored in these circumstances. Without confronting these social barriers to female autonomy and childbearing choice in LMICs, it will be impossible to increase access to family planning options as well as progress towards gender equity.

In societies around the world, reducing social stigma and expectations of women as mothers is essential to improve womens autonomy in their childbearing and reproductive health decisions. Even in HICs like the United States, there is still a significant portion of women who lack the resources needed to make independent choices regarding family planning.

The challenges in LMICs, where the need for increased family planning options is arguably greater, are evidentand they present two main priorities to address. First, there must be efforts to expand education for everyone in communities, including male partners, on the health-related and economic benefits of voluntary family planning. Educating and involving men in family planning decisions has been shown to improve program outcomes and increase gender equality. This effort will help destigmatize the use of these invaluable tools.

Second, womens ability to access health care without permission from a male relative must be improved. This will simultaneously advance womens empowerment and increase their health autonomy. By addressing these two barriers, women in LMICs can begin to exercise their choices around childbearing and reproductive health more freely, and without fear of social retaliation.

Improving the use of and access to family planning options for women in all countries promises greater female autonomy and social mobility. Shifting the narrative on childbearing as a personal choiceinstead of a societal expectationis crucial to improving global health outcomes and advancing womens leadership. When women have the social ability to choose their future with financial and social access to sexual and reductive health care, all people in the community will reap the economic and societal benefits.

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Sources: United Nations; Frontiers of Psychology; Gender and Society; Sex Roles; Journal of Family Issues; Facts, Views and Vision; Phys.Org; Open Journal of Nursing; Reproductive Health; Guttmacher Institute; BMC Health Services Research; Anthropology and Medicine; PRB; FHI360.

Photo Credit: Young woman walking down the street. Sata Production/Shutterstock.com.

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Addressing the Global Stigma of Being Childfree - New Security Beat

Sydney Mealey knew she never wanted to have children. She took oral birth control and tried the patch but wanted more permanent and reliable contraception. In the past, when she casually brought up tubal ligation, aka female sterilization, with her regular OB-GYN, her doctor wasnt receptive.

I always received pushback from my doctor, so I knew that it wouldnt be an option, the 27-year-old who lives in Pittsburgh told TODAY. (My doctor) was always like, Well, what if you change your mind? Or What if your future husband wants kids? Or things along that line. And also very much like, Youre so young. Come talk to me again when youre 30.

So Mealy started researching and found the "childfree" forum on Reddit, which included a list of information to share with a doctor when asking for sterilization. She collected information about herself and started researching individual doctors, looking at the sterilization methods they offered and how open they seemed to be to performing the procedure on young, childless people. She finally selected a doctor in Cleveland, about a 2-hour drive from her home.

I assumed from the (start) that I would have a very difficult time, she said.

Most people in Sydney Mealey's life have been supportive of her choice to have her fallopian tubes removed as permanent contraception, though some of her romantic relationships have ended after partners learned she wanted to be child free. (Courtesy Sydney Mealey)

When she visited the doctor, she had a binder of information and made her case for a laparoscopic bilateral salpingectomy, a minimally invasive surgery that removes both fallopian tubes, permanently preventing pregnancy, according to Mayo Clinic.

I assumed the doctor would want to take the binder and read through the whole thing, Mealey recalled. (But) she said, You really do seem very adamant on this, and based on your history and what youre presenting to me, this is something that youre well informed about and you are consenting to, and I will perform this procedure for you.

Mealey felt stunned, especially since she'd heard stories of people hoping to undergo a sterilization procedure, but the doctor required a boyfriends or husbands permission.

Story continues

I felt like I needed to pinch myself honestly. I went in very much expecting a hard and fast no, she said. I was definitely very much in shock but again ecstatic and happy. I felt heard and seen.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the leading group of these types of doctors in the U.S., stresses that "respect for an individual womans reproductive autonomy should be the primary concern guiding sterilization provision and policy," per 2020 guidance.

In other words, "ACOG says this pretty clearly that we should not use somebodys age or their parity meaning whether or not they have had kids or how many kids they do have as a reason to refuse someone this surgery, Dr. Jennifer Lincoln, OB-GYN and author of Lets Talk About Down There: An OB-GYN Answers All Your Burning Questions Without Making You Feel Embarrassed for Asking, told TODAY.

She said the risks of tubal ligation include unintended pregnancy and regret but both seem to be rare. The five-year failure rate for female sterilization is about 13 per 1,000.

That is still really ridiculously good, Lincoln said. I imagine where you remove the entire tube, its probably close to zero, but we can never say (anything) is zero.

There are several ways doctors offer tubal ligation. Sometimes doctors remove part of the fallopian tubes a 6 in 1,000 failure rate over five years, per Lincoln or cauterize them closed, about a 16 in 1,000 failure rate over five years. Bilateral salpingectomy, the removal of both fallopian tubes, which is what Mealey opted for, comes with an additional benefit.

We have good data that has shown that people who have their tubes removed, not only are we providing excellent contraception, but were also decreasing their risk of ovarian cancer, Lincoln said. We understand now that probably a good portion of ovarian cancer actually arises from the fallopian tubes.

Age can play a role in whether people regret their decision to be sterilized, but its still uncommon.

The real statistics that we tend to quote to people is that when youre less than 30, your risk of regret is much higher. Its about 13%, Lincoln said. After 30, that risk of regret is about 6.5%.

Still, she doesnt believe doctors should be "gatekeepers" who stop people from undergoing a wanted tubal ligation.

We should not force people to not have access to a good birth control method if they just happen to be 25 or 28 or 35 and have no kids," Lincoln said.

Sierra McConnell knew she didnt want children and felt like her birth control implant made her feel nauseated constantly. She hoped for a permanent birth control option.

I didnt want kids ever. I never played house, the 36-year-old from Pittsburgh told TODAY. I just said, Enough, and I set out to find someone who would take my tubes out.

Having her fallopian tubes removed for birth control was

She told her new primary care physician that she wanted to have her tubes removed, and her doctor recommended an OB-GYN that she believe would be open to it. McConnell felt surprised by how painless it was for her.

It was probably the easiest thing Ive ever had. It was just such a weight lifted off my shoulders that Im not ever going to get pregnant now. Thats just been my nightmare since I was a teenager, McConnell said.

Her insurance also covered her procedure, which took place in 2020 when she was 34, because its considered contraception. Mealey, who had her tubes removed when she was 24 in 2019, said with travel expenses and some out of pocket costs, her procedure cost about $1,700.

McConnell said she suspects that some people dont pursue sterilization because they fear what a doctor might say.

There were a lot of people coming onto the (childfree) subreddit and saying, Im really curious about this, but I dont want to have to jump through hoops. Or I dont want to be shamed, she recalled. People are afraid theyre going to go just to have a doctor tell them they dont know themselves.

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What if your future husband wants kids? One womans struggle to be sterilized at 24 - Yahoo News

Sacha T. Y. Fortun

An informative and insightful look at those who challenge the status quo script of life by actively choosing to be childfree.

The Premise

Dr. Jay is childfree and the founder of Live, Learn, Plan, and Childfree Wealth, a life and financial planning firm specialising in helping childfree Individuals. This book compiles portraits of 26 childfree individuals he interviewed, and explains many common terms about the childfree community.

The Pros & Cons

This was an informative and insightful look at those who challenge the status quo by choosing to be childfree.

The author demonstrates that there is no one singular reason but a myriad of reasons. Some have chosen this because of trauma in their past with families, considerations for finances, mental and physical health issues, other obligations to care for elderly or disabled family members, other relationships with children that they appreciate but prefer not to have responsibility for parenting, and much more.

The vignettes are interspersed with the authors analysis as he discusses terms such as: FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) where the goal is retirement; FILE (Financial Independence, Live Early) which is more of a dimmer switch for work rather than the off switch of FIRE; the LAT movement (Living Apart Together) for modern [and often childfree] relationships; and The Gardener & The Rose analogy, whereby a couple takes turns allowing their partner to follow his/her dreams.

I appreciated that it featured a wide range of persons some with partners, some without; different levels of wealth; some who were dating someone with kids (but they themselves remain childfree with no obligations); those from different racial and cultural backgrounds; those who had positive family relationships and/or came from big families as well as those who were only children; and so on.

Some pertinent quotes were:

What a lot of guys would want and expect from a woman was also just a massive turn-off. They were just like, my dad worked four jobs, and my mom stayed at home taking care of 12 kids. And Im like, no, no, no. Alison

I think its freedom for me. Freedom, autonomy. Its on a macro level, like this evening. If I want to go do a thing, I can just go and do a thing. It doesnt matter what the thing is. Matt

I can quit a job that I dont like. I can quit a career that I hate. Im not reliant on that money for someone else whom you cant get rid of. The wealth is in the freedom. Autumn

In some cases, the very idea of choosing NOT to have children wasnt an option until someone else introduced it to them, and they eventually found online communities that were supportive to those who live this type of lifestyle. Notably, the wider society is exclusionary or judgmental towards the childfree community. For instance, women often struggle to find doctors willing to do sterilisation; some employers afford more benefits or time off for parents rather than the childfree staff; and families also lean heavier on financial and other support from their childfree members.

The format and layout were easy to read, and I liked the use of direct quotes as it felt like I was having a conversation with someone. Admittedly, it does get quite repetitive (and the author acknowledges that), with many themes emerging such as a correlation or causation? due to growing up in poverty. Many interviewees also expressed huge relief about being childfree during the Covid-19 pandemic, as children could have been even more detrimental to their emotional and financial wellbeing.

Despite the many backgrounds, beliefs and opinions, my greatest takeaway is simply: Being childfree allows us to stretch, learn, and reinvent ourselves.

And, in the words of one of the interviewees, who knew that her very existence compromised her moms trajectory in life:

You might have a kid and regret it too. Amelia

Conclusion

Though I myself recently became a parent, I chose this route extremely carefully and only because I fulfilled certain conditions prior (education, relationship, career, and financial goals, etc.). I fully support my friends who have chosen to be childfree, and I chose this book to gain more insight into their community. I can see it being a catalyst to changing someones life, if they happen upon this book at just the right time and get pointed in the direction whereby they suddenly realise: Wait, I dont HAVE to have children! It is a brave move for many, who will likely always be judged by friends, families, employers, medical professionals, and even random strangers with insensitive remarks. Choosing to be childfree is a revolution in itself, and I thank the author for providing a voice to this community.

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Portraits of Childfree Wealth by Jay Zigmont, PhD, CFP ...

It is often said that humans are social creatures. We make friends, live in communities, and connect to acquaintances through shared interests. In recent times, social media has become a new way for people to connect with childhood peers, friends of friends, and even strangers. Perhaps nothing is more central to the social world than the concept of family. Our families represent our earliest relationships andoftenour most enduring ones. In this module, you will learn about the psychology of families. Our discussion will begin with a basic definition of family and how this has changed across time and place. Next, we move on to a discussion of family roles and how families evolve across the lifespan. Finally, we conclude with issues such as divorce and abuse that are important factors in the psychological health of families.

In J.K. Rowling's famous Harry Potter novels, the boy magician lives in a cupboard under the stairs. His unfortunate situation is the result of his wizarding parents having been killed in a duel, causing the young Potter to be subsequently shipped off to live with his cruel aunt and uncle. Although family may not be the central theme of these wand and sorcery novels, Harry's example raises a compelling question: what, exactly, counts as family?

The definition of family changes across time and across culture. Traditional family has been defined as two or more people who are related by blood, marriage, andoccasionallyadoption (Murdock, 1949). Historically, the most standard version of the traditional family has been thetwo-parent family. Are there people in your life you consider family who are not necessarily related to you in the traditional sense? Harry Potter would undoubtedly call his schoolmates Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger family, even though they do not fit the traditional definition. Likewise, Harry might consider Hedwig, his snowy owl, a family member, and he would not be alone in doing so. Research from the US (Harris, 2015) and Japan (Veldkamp, 2009) finds that many pet owners consider their pets to be members of the family. Another traditional form of family is the joint family, in which three or more generations of blood relatives live in a single household or compound. Joint families often include cousins, aunts and uncles, and other relatives from the extended family. Versions of the joint family system exist around the globe including in South Asia, Southern Europe, the South Pacific and other locations.

In more modern times, the traditional definition of family has been criticized as being too narrow. Modern familiesespecially those in industrialized societiesexist in many forms, including the single parent family, foster families, same-sex couples, childfree families, and many other variations from traditional norms. Common to each of these family forms is commitment, caring, and close emotional tieswhich are increasingly the defining characteristics of family (Benokraitis, 2015). The changing definition of family has come about, in part, because of factors such as divorce and re-marriage. In many cases, people do not grow up with their family of orientation, but become part of a stepfamily orblended family. Whether a single-parent, joint, or two-parent family, a persons family of orientation, or the family into which he or she is born, generally acts as the social context for young children learning about relationships.

According to Bowen (1978), each person has a role to play in his or her family, and each role comes with certain rules and expectations. This system of rules and roles is known as family systems theory. The goal for the family is stability: rules and expectations that work for all. When the role of one member of the family changes, so do the rules and expectations. Such changes ripple through the family and cause each member to adjust his or her own role and expectations to compensate for the change.

Take, for example, the classic story of Cinderella. Cinderellas initial role is that of a child. Her parents expectations of her are what would be expected of a growing and developing child. But, by the time Cinderella reaches her teen years, her role has changed considerably. Both of her biological parents have died and she has ended up living with her stepmother and stepsisters. Cinderellas role shifts from being an adored child to acting as the household servant. The stereotype of stepfamilies as being emotionally toxic is, of course, not true. You might even say there are often-overlooked instructive elements in the Cinderella story: Her role in the family has become not only that of servant but also that of caretaker-- the others expecting her to cook and clean while in return they treat her with spite and cruelty. When Cinderella finds her prince and leaves to start her own familyknown as a family of procreationit is safe to assume that the roles of her stepmother and stepsisters will changesuddenly having to cook and clean for themselves.

Gender has been one factor by which family roles have long been assigned. Traditional roles have historically placed housekeeping and childrearing squarely in the realm of womens responsibilities. Men, by contrast, have been seen as protectors and as providers of resources including money. Increasingly, families are crossing these traditional roles with women working outside the home and men contributing more to domestic and childrearing responsibilities. Despite this shift toward more egalitarian roles, women still tend to do more housekeeping and childrearing tasks than their husbands (known as the second shift) (Hochschild & Machung, 2012).

Interestingly, parental roles have an impact on the ambitions of their children. Croft and her colleagues (2014) examined the beliefs of more than 300 children. The researchers discovered that when fathers endorsed more equal sharing of household duties and when mothers were more workplace oriented it influenced how their daughters thought. In both cases, daughters were more likely to have ambitions toward working outside the home and working in less gender-stereotyped professions.

Our families are so familiar to us that we can sometimes take for granted the idea that families develop over time. Nuclear families, those core units of parents and children, do not simply pop into being. The parents meet one another, they court or date one another, and they make the decision to have children. Even then the family does not quit changing. Children grow up and leave home and the roles shift yet again.

In a psychological sense, families begin with intimacy. The need for intimacy, or close relationships with others, is universal. We seek out close and meaningful relationships over the course of our lives. What our adult intimate relationships look like actually stems from infancy and our relationship with our primary caregiver (historically our mother)a process of development described by attachment theory. According to attachment theory, different styles of caregiving result in different relationship attachments. For example, responsive mothersmothers who soothe their crying infantsproduce infants who have secure attachments (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969). About 60% of all children are securely attached. As adults, secure individuals rely on their working modelsconcepts of how relationships operatethat were created in infancy, as a result of their interactions with their primary caregiver (mother), to foster happy and healthy adult intimate relationships. Securely attached adults feel comfortable being depended on and depending on others.

As you might imagine, inconsistent or dismissive parents also impact the attachment style of their infants (Ainsworth, 1973), but in a different direction. In early studies on attachment style, infants were observed interacting with their caregivers, followed by being separated from them, then finally reunited. About 20% of the observed children were resistant, meaning they were anxious even before, and especially during, the separation; and 20% were avoidant, meaning they actively avoided their caregiver after separation (i.e., ignoring the mother when they were reunited). These early attachment patterns can affect the way people relate to one another in adulthood. Anxious-resistant adults worry that others dont love them, and they often become frustrated or angry when their needs go unmet.Anxious-avoidant adults will appear not to care much about their intimate relationships, and are uncomfortable being depended on or depending on others themselves.

The good news is that our attachment can be changed. It isnt easy, but it is possible for anyone to recover a secure attachment. The process often requires the help of a supportive and dependable other, and for the insecure person to achieve coherencethe realization that his or her upbringing is not a permanent reflection of character or a reflection of the world at large, nor does it bar him or her from being worthy of love or others of being trustworthy (Treboux, Crowell, & Waters, 2004).

Over time, the process of finding a mate has changed dramatically. In Victorian England, for instance, young women in high society trained for years in the artsto sing, play music, dance, compose verse, etc. These skills were thought to be vital to the courtship rituala demonstration of feminine worthiness. Once a woman was of marriageable age, she would attend dances and other public events as a means of displaying her availability. A young couple interested in one another would find opportunities to spend time together, such as taking a walk. That era had very different dating practices from today, in which teenagers have more freedom, more privacy, and can date more people.

One major difference in the way people find a mate these days is the way we use technology to both expand and restrict the marriage marketthe process by which potential mates compare assets and liabilities of available prospects and choose the best option (Benokraitis, 2015). Comparing marriage to a market might sound unromantic, but think of it as a way to illustrate how people seek out attractive qualities in a mate. Modern technology has allowed us to expand our market by allowing us to search for potential partners all over the worldas opposed to the days when people mostly relied on local dating pools. Technology also allows us to filter out undesirable (albeit available) prospects at the outset, based on factors such as shared interests, age, and other features.

The use of filters to find the most desirable partner is a common practice, resulting in people marrying others very similar to themselvesa concept called homogamy; the opposite is known as heterogamy (Burgess & Wallin, 1943). In his comparison of educational homogamy in 55 countries, Smits (2003) found strong support for higher-educated people marrying other highly educated people. As such, education appears to be a strong filter people use to help them select a mate. The most common filters we useor, put another way, the characteristics we focus on most in potential matesare age, race, social status, and religion (Regan, 2008). Other filters we use include compatibility, physical attractiveness (we tend to pick people who are as attractive as we are), and proximity (for practical reasons, we often pick people close to us) (Klenke-Hamel & Janda, 1980).

In many countries, technology is increasingly used to help single people find each other, and this may be especially true of older adults who are divorced or widowed, as there are few societally-structured activities for older singles. For example, younger people in school are usually surrounded with many potential dating partners of a similar age and background. As we get older, this is less true, as we focus on our careers and find ourselves surrounded by co-workers of various ages, marital statuses, and backgrounds.

In some cultures, however, it is not uncommon for the families of young people to do the work of finding a mate for them. For example, the Shanghai Marriage Market refers to the Peoples Park in Shanghai, Chinaa place where parents of unmarried adults meet on weekends to trade information about their children in attempts to find suitable spouses for them (Bolsover, 2011). In India, the marriage market refers to the use of marriage brokers or marriage bureaus to pair eligible singles together (Trivedi, 2013). To many Westerners, the idea of arranged marriage can seem puzzling. It can appear to take the romance out of the equation and violate values about personal freedom. On the other hand, some people in favor of arranged marriage argue that parents are able to make more mature decisions than young people.

While such intrusions may seem inappropriate based on your upbringing, for many people of the world such help is expected, even appreciated. In India for example, parental arranged marriages are largely preferred to other forms of marital choices (Ramsheena & Gundemeda, 2015, p. 138). Of course, ones religious and social caste plays a role in determining how involved family may be.

In terms of other notable shifts in attitude seen around the world, an increase in cohabitation has been documented. Cohabitation is defined as an arrangement in which two people who are romantically live together even though they are not married (Prinz, 1995). Cohabitation is common in many countries, with the Scandinavian nations of Iceland, Sweden, and Norway reporting the highest percentages, and more traditional countries like India, China, and Japan reporting low percentages (DeRose, 2011). In countries where cohabitation is increasingly common, there has been speculation as to whether or not cohabitation is now part of the natural developmental progression of romantic relationships: dating and courtship, then cohabitation, engagement, and finally marriage. Though, while many cohabitating arrangements ultimately lead to marriage, many do not.

Most people will marry in their lifetime. In the majority of countries, 80% of men and women have been married by the age of 49 (United Nations, 2013). Despite how common marriage remains, it has undergone some interesting shifts in recent times. Around the world, people are tending to get married later in life or, increasingly, not at all. People in more developed countries (e.g., Nordic and Western Europe), for instance, marry later in lifeat an average age of 30 years. This is very different than, for example, the economically developing country of Afghanistan, which has one of the lowest average-age statistics for marriageat 20.2 years (United Nations, 2013). Another shift seen around the world is a gender gap in terms of age when people get married. In every country, men marry later than women. Since the 1970s, the average age of marriage for women has increased from 21.8 to 24.7 years. Men have seen a similar increase in age at first marriage.

As illustrated, the courtship process can vary greatly around the world. So too can an engagementa formal agreement to get married. Some of these differences are small, such as on which hand an engagement ring is worn. In many countries it is worn on the left, but in Russia, Germany, Norway, and India, women wear their ring on their right. There are also more overt differences, such as who makes the proposal. In India and Pakistan, it is not uncommon for the family of the groom to propose to the family of the bride, with little to no involvement from the bride and groom themselves. In most Western industrialized countries, it is traditional for the male to propose to the female. What types of engagement traditions, practices, and rituals are common where you are from? How are they changing?

Do you want children? Do you already have children? Increasingly, families are postponing or not having children. Families that choose to forego having children are known as childfree families, while families that want but are unable to conceive are referred to as childless families. As more young people pursue their education and careers, age at first marriage has increased; similarly, so has the age at which people become parents. The average age for first-time mothers is 25 in the United States (up from 21 in 1970), 29.4 in Switzerland, and 29.2 in Japan (Matthews & Hamilton, 2014).

The decision to become a parent should not be taken lightly. There are positives and negatives associated with parenting that should be considered. Many parents report that having children increases their well-being (White & Dolan, 2009). Researchers have also found that parents, compared to their non-parent peers, are more positive about their lives (Nelson, Kushlev, English, Dunn, & Lyubomirsky, 2013). On the other hand, researchers have also found that parents, compared to non-parents, are more likely to be depressed, report lower levels of marital quality, and feel like their relationship with their partner is more businesslike than intimate (Walker, 2011).

If you do become a parent, your parenting style will impact your childs future success in romantic and parenting relationships. Authoritative parenting, arguably the best parenting style, is both demanding and supportive of the child (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Support refers to the amount of affection, acceptance, and warmth a parent provides. Demandingness refers to the degree a parent controls his/her childs behavior. Children who have authoritative parents are generally happy, capable, and successful (Maccoby, 1992).

Other, less advantageous parenting styles include authoritarian (in contrast to authoritative), permissive, and uninvolved (Tavassolie, Dudding, Madigan, Thorvardarson, & Winsler, 2016). Authoritarian parents are low in support and high in demandingness. Arguably, this is the parenting style used by Harry Potters harsh aunt and uncle, and Cinderellas vindictive stepmother. Children who receive authoritarian parenting are more likely to be obedient and proficient, but score lower in happiness, social competence, and self-esteem. Permissive parents are high in support and low in demandingness. Their children rank low in happiness and self-regulation, and are more likely to have problems with authority. Uninvolved parents are low in both support and demandingness. Children of these parents tend to rank lowest across all life domains, lack self-control, have low self-esteem, and are less competent than their peers.

Support for the benefits of authoritative parenting has been found in countries as diverse as the Czech Republic (Dmitrieva, Chen, Greenberger, & Gil-Rivas, 2004), India (Carson, Chowdhurry, Perry, & Pati, 1999), China (Pilgrim, Luo, Urberg, & Fang, 1999), Israel (Mayseless, Scharf, & Sholt, 2003), and Palestine (Punamaki, Qouta, & Sarraj, 1997). In fact, authoritative parenting appears to be superior in Western, individualistic societiesso much so that some people have argued that there is no longer a need to study it (Steinberg, 2001). Other researchers are less certain about the superiority of authoritative parenting and point to differences in cultural values and beliefs. For example, while many European-American children do poorly with too much strictness (authoritarian parenting), Chinese children often do well, especially academically. The reason for this likely stems from Chinese culture viewing strictness in parenting as related to training, which is not central to American parenting (Chao, 1994).

Just because children grow up does not mean their family stops being a family. The concept of family persists across the entire lifespan, but the specific roles and expectations of its members change over time. One major change comes when a child reaches adulthood and moves away. When exactly children leave home varies greatly depending on societal norms and expectations, as well as on economic conditions such as employment opportunities and affordable housing options. Some parents may experience sadness when their adult children leave the homea situation knownas Empty Nest.

Many parents are also finding that their grown children are struggling to launch into independence. Its an increasingly common story: a child goes off to college and, upon graduation, is unable to find steady employment. In such instances, a frequent outcome is for the child to return home, becoming a boomerang kid. The boomerang generation, as the phenomenon has come to be known, refers to young adults, mostly between the ages of 25 and 34, who return home to live with their parents while they strive for stability in their livesoften in terms of finances, living arrangements, and sometimes romantic relationships. These boomerang kids can be both good and bad for families. Within American families, 48% of boomerang kids report having paid rent to their parents, and 89% say they help out with household expensesa win for everyone (Parker, 2012). On the other hand, 24% of boomerang kids report that returning home hurts their relationship with their parents (Parker, 2012). For better or for worse, the number of children returning home has been increasing around the world.

In addition to middle-aged parents spending more time, money, and energy taking care of their adult children, they are also increasingly taking care of their own aging and ailing parents. Middle-aged people in this set of circumstances are commonly referred to as the sandwich generation (Dukhovnov & Zagheni, 2015). Of course, cultural norms and practices again come into play. In some Asian and Hispanic cultures, the expectation is that adult children are supposed to take care of aging parents and parents-in-law. In other Western culturescultures that emphasize individuality and self-sustainabilitythe expectation has historically been that elders either age in place, modifying their home and receiving services to allow them to continue to live independently, or enter long-term care facilities. However, given financial constraints, many families find themselves taking in and caring for their aging parents, increasing the number of multigenerational homes around the world.

Divorce refers to the legal dissolution of a marriage. Depending on societal factors, divorce may be more or less of an option for married couples. Despite popular belief, divorce rates in the United States actually declined for many years during the 1980s and 1990s, and only just recently started to climb back uplanding at just below 50% of marriages ending in divorce today (Marriage & Divorce, 2016); however, it should be noted that divorce rates increase for each subsequent marriage, and there is considerable debate about the exact divorce rate. Are there specific factors that can predict divorce? Are certain types of people or certain types of relationships more or less at risk for breaking up? Indeed, there are several factors that appear to be either risk factors or protective factors.

Pursuing education decreases the risk of divorce. So too does waiting until we are older to marry. Likewise, if our parents are still married we are less likely to divorce. Factors that increase our risk of divorce include having a child before marriage and living with multiple partners before marriage, known as serial cohabitation (cohabitation with ones expected martial partner does not appear to have the same effect). And, of course, societal and religious attitudes must also be taken into account. In societies that are more accepting of divorce, divorce rates tend to be higher. Likewise, in religions that are less accepting of divorce, divorce rates tend to be lower. See Lyngstad & Jalovaara (2010) for a more thorough discussion of divorce risk.

If a couple does divorce, there are specific considerations they should take into account to help their children cope. Parents should reassure their children that both parents will continue to love them and that the divorce is in no way the childrens fault. Parents should also encourage open communication with their children and be careful not to bias them against their ex or use them as a means of hurting their ex (Denham, 2013; Harvey & Fine, 2004; Pescosoido, 2013).

Abuse can occur in multiple forms and across all family relationships. Breiding, Basile, Smith, Black, & Mahendra (2015) define the forms of abuse as:

Abuse between partners is referred to as intimate partner violence; however, such abuse can also occur between a parent and child (child abuse), adult children and their aging parents (elder abuse), and even between siblings.

The most common form of abuse between parents and children is actually that of neglect. Neglect refers to a familys failure to provide for a childs basic physical, emotional, medical, or educational needs (DePanfilis, 2006). Harry Potters aunt and uncle, as well as Cinderellas stepmother, could all be prosecuted for neglect in the real world.

Abuse is a complex issue, especially within families. There are many reasons people become abusers: poverty, stress, and substance abuse are common characteristics shared by abusers, although abuse can happen in any family. There are also many reasons adults stay in abusive relationships: (a) learned helplessness (the abused person believing he or she has no control over the situation); (b) the belief that the abuser can/will change; (c) shame, guilt, self-blame, and/or fear; and (d) economic dependence. All of these factors can play a role.

Children who experience abuse may act out or otherwise respond in a variety of unhealthful ways. These include acts of self-destruction, withdrawal, and aggression, as well as struggles with depression, anxiety, and academic performance. Researchers have found that abused childrens brains may produce higher levels of stress hormones. These hormones can lead to decreased brain development, lower stress thresholds, suppressed immune responses, and lifelong difficulties with learning and memory (Middlebrooks & Audage, 2008).

Divorce and abuse are important concerns, but not all family hurdles are negative. One example of a positive family issue is adoption. Adoption has long historical roots (it is even mentioned in the Bible) and involves taking in and raising someone elses child legally as ones own. Becoming a parent is one of the most fulfilling things a person can do (Gallup & Newport, 1990), but even with modern reproductive technologies, not all couples who would like to have children (which is still most) are able to. For these families, adoption often allows them to feel wholeby completing their family.

In 2013, in the United States, there were over 100,000 children in foster care (where children go when their biological families are unable to adequately care for them) available for adoption (Soronen, 2013). In total, about 2% of the U.S. child population is adopted, either through foster care or through private domestic or international adoption (Adopted Children, 2012). Adopting a child from the foster care system is relatively inexpensive, costing $0-$2,500, with many families qualifying for state-subsidized support (Soronen, 2013).

For years, international adoptions have been popular. In the United States, between 1999 and 2014, 256,132 international adoptions occurred, with the largest number of children coming from China (73,672) and Russia (46,113) (Intercountry Adoption, 2016). People in the United States, Spain, France, Italy, and Canada adopt the largest numbers of children (Selman, 2009). More recently, however, international adoptions have begun to decrease. One significant complication is that each country has its own set of requirements for adoption, as does each country from which an adopted child originates. As such, the adoption process can vary greatly, especially in terms of cost, and countries are able to police who adopts their children. For example, single, obese, or over-50 individuals are not allowed to adopt a child from China (Bartholet, 2007).

Regardless of why a family chooses to adopt, traits such as flexibility, patience, strong problem-solving skills, and a willingness to identify local community resources are highly favorable for the prospective parents to possess. Additionally, it may be helpful for adoptive parents to recognize that they do not have to be perfect parents as long as they are loving and willing to meet the unique challenges their adopted child may pose.

Our families play a crucial role in our overall development and happiness. They can support and validate us, but they can also criticize and burden us. For better or worse, we all have a family. In closing, here are strategies you can use to increase the happiness of your family:

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The Family - Noba

Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me

Laughing Horse @ The Walrus (Raised Room)

on Fri 06 May 2022 21:30

This was a blast!

Comedian Eleanor Conway hadnt dented my consciousness as a performer before last night but I am very glad she has now. This, her first nights performance in Brighton was an all singing, all dancing, explorative work in progress; unpicking womens lives , sex, lust, choosing to be childfree and the delights (or not) of online dating.

Eleanor Conway is an award winning comedian and her shows cover issues including does sex, addiction (shes been clear of drink and drugs for eight years now) and dating.

Conway is a comedy dynamo. I and the audience were with her and laughing from the beginning of the show, through to the end. Whilst this is a preview show for Edinburgh Festival and a work in progress, it already felt like the themes of the show were clear and drily lined out with a hearty does of black humour. This ultimately, just needs a wee bit of polishing to buff them into a final show.

Picking over the nightmare that is Tinder Gold, she explores dating for heterosexual women in the 21st century, men who advertise themselves as No more drama. Moving on to the pitfalls of dating men with kids, and the accompanying coterie of resentful stepchildren, whilst also trying out little vignettes from her own life and new parts of her show.

Exploring the sometime in the future thinking of men who may want kids some day, despite the fact that they are currently in their 50s, was pretty apt from my own online dating travails. She looked at the cruel joke of motherhood, and the epic nature of project managing that entails, but with a new spin on it in a feminist, and funny way.

Leading with a very funny comedy strand around a short term boyfriends smelly willy (she used other words!), which both men and women in the audience loudly cackled at, she then mused on legacy sperm trapped in used condoms in bins just waiting for single women of a certain age to run off with the raw material. Shes angry with the patriarchy, but theres a lot of amusing material to be had within that.

There were lots of sex based gags and the audience lapped them up riotously. I loved how she could switch from filthily witty asides to more comprehensive comments on women, feminism and the sexual act. Im aware that wont go on a flyer, but it was very skilfully achieved, and to big belly laughs from us all.

Selling out 3 tours worldwide with her shows Walk of Shame 1 & 2 and You May Recognise Me From Tinder, this show was very funny indeed and I laughed uproariously throughout.

Go and see it, shes in town all month and I would happily watch this all over again!

Brighton Fringe Shows

Laughing Horse @ The Walrus (Basement Room):

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Brighton and Hove News Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me - Brighton and Hove News

More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.

What we dont hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean its easyfar from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called selfish, whining, and even bad moms.

Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping? someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision thats too often taken for granted in our society.

I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.

But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.

Actually I regret having children because of whats going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty. If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.

In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it wont be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, its all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But its a major stress in the back of my mind.

Acceptable_Fan_9066 , Juan Encalada Report

Im not a good mother. I care about them but I dont know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. Ill keep trying and Ive had them in therapy. And Im in therapy and Im learning. But yeah. I was to young and didnt know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.

j32571p7 , Mehrpouya H Report

I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population. I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids. None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.

culps001 , Baptista Ime James Report

Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (Hello Laziness).

I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time, Maier told us. It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief! The author added that for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.

What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.

I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.

When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.

So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"

AkuLives , freestocks Report

My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood

Sad-Teacher-1170 , Ashley Byrd Report

I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids give you a reason to love. I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didnt wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist

dinahsaur523 , Zoe Report

Maier recounted: I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that. The author also said that women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Lets not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.

As much as I dont like admitting this, I regret having my second child (shes currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didnt have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, Im starting back at the beginning and Im all alone again, because my partner works so much. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont say I hate my life at least once. The really sucky part is Im about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, Im going to work 40 hours a week. Im 42 so Ill be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. Im trapped and theres nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I dont have a nervous breakdown.

simply_c Report

I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.

But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.

rollouttheredcarpet Report

I really do sometimes enjoy my son.

But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.

And sometimes I just need quiet time that I cant get.

I cant move. I have a relationship thats long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.

But since I have this kid - I cant.

Coping? Im ignoring the problem and hoping I dont come to resent my son.

zuklei , Many Wonderful Artists Report

Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.

Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...), the psychoanalyst explained.

I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.

But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.

Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...

But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.

TeganNotSoVegan , Bruno Nascimento Report

When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy shed pretend to care about me now (shes early 20s). But Im not, so Im worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isnt her fault but her behavior now is. I dont feel like I even got a chance with her.

I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I havent seen her in years.

Its not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess thats a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.

spandexcatsuit , Eric Ward Report

I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters.

Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.

dramboxf Report

I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.

Alien_Nicole Report

I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.

level 1 [deleted] Report

I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.

SmoothieForlife , Abbie Bernet Report

Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.

Uniqueusername121 Report

All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."

meoka2368 , Kelli McClintock Report

I have a preschooler.

Things I dont like: cant go anywhere alone. Cant have quiet time to myself unless theyre sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they cant do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried theyre going to do something bad when Im not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I dont have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.

Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how theyll be as they get older.

I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldnt leave them with the dad anymore. Im just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once theyre able to be home alone for a couple hours.

Longjumping-Ask-2122 , Kelly Sikkema Report

I regret having my son more than I dont. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I dont deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, Ive always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. Im an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. Im exhausted most days.

So how I cope- Im in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (Im an introvert so I dont need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase children are a blessing so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isnt helpful. It isnt perfect and every day is still hard, but I think Im moving towards a happier place.

ETA: its probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.

DogDrJones , Vladislav Muslakov Report

I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.

camelican , Kinga Cichewicz Report

Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.

Edit, cause...

throwglu , Louis Hansel Report

Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway

Alwin_ , Vincent Keiman Report

I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter whos turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldnt be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and its so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. Ive always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.

cshl00 , Fa Barboza Report

Destroyed marriage via:

Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking

The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely

The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either

Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...

Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).

That's for the marriage bit.

Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...

I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...

ethics , Charlie Foster Report

I love my daughter so much.

But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.

I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).

That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.

I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.

*sighs*

Adventureous , Tanaphong Toochinda Report

My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.

Habanero10 , Susana Coutinho Report

I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. Its going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move. We dont struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like Im losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.

WayTooWavyRider , Kostiantyn Li Report

They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.

Read the rest here:

Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts - Bored Panda