Six years ago I shattered my spine in a whitewater kayaking accident. The bone shards of my second lumbar vertebra sliced into my spinal cord, severing communication with the lower half of my body. Surgeons rebuilt my vertebra and scaffolded my spine with four titanium rods. I spent a year in a wheelchair. After hundreds of hours of therapy, my body established new neural connections. I learned to walk again. Im tremendously grateful, and I know its an inspiring story. Its the story that many want to hear. But its not the story I want to tell in my writing.
Sometimes, when the electric sting keeps me awake, when, in the middle of the night, lightning bolts charge from my right thigh, through my groin, and up to what remains of my second thoracic vertebra, I take my pain meds and try to remember how fortunate I am to be able to walk.
If I want to shirk the reality of such sleeplessness and agony, I turn to my phone and find a video clip titled Learning to Walk Again on CNNs website. In the video, Anderson Cooper narrates a three-minute montage of my recovery. It starts with the x-rays and MRIs of the shattered ruins of my spine. Then a string of videos that show me struggling in a wheelchair.
When the somber music turns inspirational, the video cuts to me walking in a robotic exoskeleton, then a shot of me walking with crutches. And finally, with cinematic flair, I throw aside the crutches and take a few labored steps on the first anniversary of my injury, a tenuous grin plastered on my face.
The video is uplifting. It is immersive and heartening, and when I watch it, I briefly lose the version of myself who is lying awake in pain, forget that my legs feel like theyve been dipped in lava. Riveted by the visual narrative, I almost forget Im watching myself.
When its over, and the pain returns. The CNN clip seems like a lie.
Because I can stand and walk, my day-to-day life is measurably better, a truth captured and beautified in the video montage. And certainly the story has been inspirational for many people. But the videos omissionsthe acute and chronic pain, the problems with my bladder and bowels, the grief of losing the person Id beenare as much a part of my story as relearning to walk is. Perhaps more so.
I decide I need a more encompassing narrative, one that considers exasperation as well as progress, suffering as well as triumph. One that makes meaning not just from overcoming, but from the ongoing lived experience of pain. Maybe I can even exorcize pain through writing, transmute it into narrative. So I invent Eugene, the protagonist of my novella Conscious Designs. I give him a spinal cord injury. Maybe together we can find some sense in our suffering.
The more I get to know Eugene, the more compassion I feel for him. I consider giving him a shot at escaping his pain, so I send him into a near future where technology might be his savior.
Because I want to take away the visual signifier of his disability, his mobility impairment, I gift him a much more advanced robotic exoskeleton than the one that retrained my nerves. Eugenes device is so svelte, it can hide under his clothes. He doesnt even limp like I do, except when the machine fails.
But making Eugene mobile doesnt make his disability go away. What really plagues Eugene are the unseen aspects of his spinal cord injury: the neuropathy, sexual dysfunction, incontinence, catheterization, bladder infections, pressure wounds.
Somehow I feel there should be a catharsis for me in heaping my pain on Eugene, but I only become more aware of my suffering. Sometimes my left foot feels like the blood is boiling within it. I imagine bubbles of hot gas moving through the veins, my muscles spasming, the tendons stretched like theyre going to snap. I take off my sock and inspect my foot, almost expecting to find some grotesque version of foot. But it appears normal. How strange that this normal looking foot can host such an inferno within. Its attached to me, but it seems foreign. I cant speak to my left foot beyond the dim motor signals of a few surviving neuro-channels. It speaks back to me only in its language of pain.
I begin to write what this pain tells me. I send its messages to Eugenes brain. And so Eugene and I become connected through our defective neurology. We both look back at our able-bodied past, the people that we were before we became disabled, mourning their deaths. We both come to realize the paradox of pain: its universal, but intensely private. It should connect us, but it isolates us. Eugene and I spend the summer together, but together we find no truth in the chaos.
I want something better for Eugene. I give Eugene the option to escape his body by uploading his mind into a virtual world. A world in which pain can theoretically be edited out. A world entirely ruled by pleasure, a kind of hyperbole for the hedonism of our own time. Maybe if Eugene decides to upload his mind into this new digital world and create a virtual, able-bodied version of himself, then the real-world Eugene can come to terms with his spinal cord injury.
But Im not confident in the truth of this story either. Im not sure technology can free us from ourselves.
For me, Eugenes experience in my novella is a more authentic portrayal of my disability than the story produced by CNN. The true nature of disability is an inner experience.
In Conscious Designs, Eugene is given the choice to branch his consciousness into two separate selves: one that would continue to suffer in the real world and one that would live free from suffering in the digital realm. To me, neither version seems desirable. I no longer want to be the real-world Eugene, whose neuropathy has become psycho-emotional pain, who cant evolve beyond his self-pity and nostalgia for who he used to be. But Im not sure I would eliminate my spinal cord injury either; with all its tragic elements, it has become an integral part of who I am.
Im glad I dont have to make this choice.
Nathanial White grew up in Maine and has lived in Mexico, Brazil, and Ecuador. His speculative fiction explores the human psyche, physical disability, culture, technology and consumerism. His debut novella, Conscious Designs, which was published in May, won the Miami University Novella Prize. He currently teaches Literature in the Rocky Mountains of Western Colorado.
See original here:
Disturbing the Comfortable: On Writing Disability in Science Fiction - tor.com
- What You Need to Know About the New SAG-AFTRA Agreement ... - Casting Networks - November 24th, 2023 [November 24th, 2023]
- Premiership Rugby Highlights Show | Be on TV - ITVX - November 24th, 2023 [November 24th, 2023]
- Elon Musks Neuralink wants to merge your brain with AI at what ... - Vox.com - October 20th, 2023 [October 20th, 2023]
- The World's Job During the War on Hamas: Save the Space For Peace - TIME - October 20th, 2023 [October 20th, 2023]
- Brooklyn Beckham hits back at haters who mock his online cooking videos - Yahoo News UK - October 20th, 2023 [October 20th, 2023]
- Secret to immortality could be just a decade away as scientists predict when well learn to live forever... - The US Sun - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- Roblox Introduces Heads and Bodies to the UGC Program - Game Is Hard - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- Bigger Th*t Than Cardi B: Amidst Conor McGregor's Friend's Feud ... - The Sportsrush - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- Sofia Richie Says Royal Weddings Inspired Her Nuptials - Brides - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- How Many Times a Day to Post to BeReal a Day - Alphr - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- Usage of dark web for uploading sensitive defence information is a ... - LawBeat - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- What Should You Look for in your WiFi Plan? - My Everyday Tech - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- The Pros and Cons of Using No-Code Websites as a Blogger - MUO - MakeUseOf - August 18th, 2023 [August 18th, 2023]
- The Future Is Now: Wrestling with Ethics, Policy and Brain-Computer ... - NC State News - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- How to Share Images Online Easily With Pasteboard - Dignited - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- The Acid Test, April 2023 - bandcamp.com - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- Top 9 Generative AI Applications and Tools - eWeek - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- Top 50 Most Viewed U.S. YouTube Channels Week Of 04/30/2023 - Tubefilter - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- PPC Automation: When & How To Use It - Search Engine Journal - May 2nd, 2023 [May 2nd, 2023]
- Image SEO: Optimizing images for search engines Yoast - December 16th, 2022 [December 16th, 2022]
- All That Is In The Heavens [Part 14]: Bionic Basim - MuslimMatters - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Mill Creek Leverages QR Codes To Help People Store Their Loved One's Messages as Forever Cherishable Memories - Digital Journal - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- In their own words: County Commissioner candidates Randy George and Steve Skinner on why each should be considered for the open District 3... - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Get ready now for the 2022 Great Southern BioBlitz! - Cosmos - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- ILUMINATIVE Is Reviving the Modern Genre Of Hip-Hop/Rock & Nu-Metal with the Latest Album, 'Endangered' - Daily Music Roll - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Enter the Cambridge Independents Photography Awards 2022 - and win great prizes - Cambridge Independent - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Coros Vertix 2 review the battery life of this smartwatch is insane - CyclingWeekly - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- WTF Are POAPs? The Intriguing Power of Proof of Attendance Protocol - nft now - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Former NRL star Finch fighting to avoid jail amid fears hell be targeted by hardened criminals - Fox Sports - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- Muni Long's long and winding road to R&B stardom - Los Angeles Times - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- She-Hulk Recap: Episode 9 | Jen Breaks the MCU - United By Pop - October 19th, 2022 [October 19th, 2022]
- People with dark personality type desire enhancing their brains with future tech, new study reveals... - The US Sun - October 2nd, 2022 [October 2nd, 2022]
- Emma Chamberlain has opened up the doors of her new home and I havent been able to think of anything else since - image.ie - October 2nd, 2022 [October 2nd, 2022]
- 'Don't believe everything you read': The story of The Onion - Bennington Banner - October 2nd, 2022 [October 2nd, 2022]
- DJ Ace - Peace of Mind Vol 39 (Saxophone Edition Slow Jam Mix ... - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- Longtermism Movement Misses the Importance of War - Scientific American - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- Ten warning signs that your phone is spying on you and tips on removing spyware - Scottish Daily Express - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- JNU Admission 2022: Registration starts for UG admission on the basis of CUET in JNU, fill your form from this link - News Day Express - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- RTI reply: 42 cars in CM Bhagwant Mann convoy, opposition says 'badlav or waste of money' - The Indian Express - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- 10 best One Direction rock covers, from the 1975 to Wolf Alice - Alternative Press - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- How to use GPX maps and trackback on the Galaxy Watch 5 Pro Route tile - Android Central - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- CHITCHAT OVER COFFEE: Give the Heart the space it needs - Manila Bulletin - September 29th, 2022 [September 29th, 2022]
- How technology will bridge the gap for the next million - Times of India - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- now allows you to upload your photos and edit them - Gearrice - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- 2023 Honda CR-V First Drive Review: The Once And Future King? - Motor1 - September 20th, 2022 [September 20th, 2022]
- Pantheon Review: 2022's Wildest Tech Thriller Is a Cartoon | Time - TIME - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- Worth Watching: Lord of the Rings Prequel, Uploading Gets Serious in Pantheon, NASCAR Race for the Championship - Channel3000.com - WISC-TV3 - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- The super-rich preppers planning to save themselves from the apocalypse - The Guardian - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- 8 Anime Outros Too Good to Skip - Geek Girl Authority - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- From social media to Pollywood, singer Noor Chahal says originality is her secret to success - The Indian Express - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- Behind the music - Ratios - RTE.ie - September 7th, 2022 [September 7th, 2022]
- According To Believers, 7% Of Us Will Find Code 0010110 And Exit The Matrix On August 27 - YourTango - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- Elon Musk confirms he already uploaded his brain to a cloud, he spoke to himself - Marca - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- Whatever Happened to the Transhumanists? - Gizmodo Australia - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- TREASURES OF THE TRI-STATE 2022 - 97.3 the Rock - Radio Dubuque - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- India versus West Indies second T20 highlights: Fancode yesterday match 2nd T20 highlights where to watch - The Sportsrush - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- Edinburgh internet troll guilty of sending vile online messages to politicians - Edinburgh Live - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- The PhotoStick Reviews (PhotoStick For PC) - Does This Device Really Worth Buying? Must Read This Before You Buy! - Outlook India - August 2nd, 2022 [August 2nd, 2022]
- How Close Are We to Uploading Your Mind? - How-To Geek - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- Ranveer Allahbadia: Of collaborations and making Reels - Hindustan Times - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- Jasmine TXO: The key to cracking TikTok - Ragtrader - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- You can also earn big money sitting at home from YouTube or Instagram, know how? (How to Earn Money From YouTube And Instagram?) - News Day Express - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- What the POTS shutdown will mean for faxing in the healthcare industry - Healthcare Dive - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- Back Issues: Connecting with the past via historical objects - Stuff - July 23rd, 2022 [July 23rd, 2022]
- Hidden MrBeast Video Sees the Popular Millionaire Put Over $50,000 on the Line for His Fans - EssentiallySports - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Some of the internet's most homoerotic content is on The History Channel's YouTube? - Queerty - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- A Twitter test will remind you to add alt text to images - TechCrunch - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Beyonc's 7th Studio Album Renaissance is About Release on The 29th of July - Daily Music Roll - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Repairing an old thing is a small act of defiance against disposable culture - The Irish Times - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Warzone players slam the dumbest Perk in the history of CoD - CharlieINTEL.com - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Tatsuki Fujimotos Just Listen To This Song Is A Lesson In Love And Buddhism - DualShockers - July 17th, 2022 [July 17th, 2022]
- Required Documents - School and Student Services by Community Brands - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Dr. Strange: Can the Multiverse Really Work as a Plot Device? - Walter Bradley Center for Natural and Artificial Intelligence - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Sophia Mirzas daughters say living with father happily - The News International - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Warning for MILLIONS of iPhone users before going on holiday this year... - The US Sun - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Interview: The Vamps Celebrate 10 Years At The Top! - CelebMix - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- The powerful lesson I learned watching my father die - Sydney Morning Herald - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- How to Sign Up for Amazon Primes Free Trialand Save Big Ahead of Prime Day in 2022 - Yahoo Life - July 3rd, 2022 [July 3rd, 2022]
- Firoz Hasan of Free Motion stands by flood affected Sylhet and Sunamganj - The Daily Star - June 29th, 2022 [June 29th, 2022]
- Almost Quote the Movie Serena Williams Fangirls Over Iron Man as She Dons Similar Pair of Glasses Ahead of Her Wimbledon Championships 2022 Campaign... - June 29th, 2022 [June 29th, 2022]