Q: I am really struggling with my emotions at the moment. I have a six-month-old baby with my husband of three years. He had issues with gambling in the past but he assured me that it was all firmly behind him. We have plans to do some work on the house and I had a lump sum from a redundancy and some savings to do the work. But now my husband has told me that the money is gone he gambled it. He swears that he will get help but I wonder if I should give him another chance? I had no idea he was lying to me. Will he ever stop gambling? How can I ever trust him again?
Allison replies: Trust, once broken, is hard to fix. Lets imagine trust is like glass, pottery, and a rubber ball. Drop a rubber ball and you can bounce back from it; these are the normal life stressors and disagreements that can be brought to the fore, resolved, or accepted. But when you drop glass it shatters, this can happen with addiction when the trust has been broken too many times.
Perhaps you are at the pottery stage where the trust is broken, but if we think of the Japanese art of kintsugi or golden joinery, they fix broken pottery with gold to show where the vulnerabilities and breaks were with the intent that it can still become something else and develop.
I love this idea, as no one is perfect or without flaw. Everyone makes mistakes and it is possible to change. However, we cant underestimate what it takes to change and that unfortunately is completely out of your control and addiction is never a quick fix.
Sitting with this for a moment, lets bring back what you can control and bring some space back to you. How are you doing? That must have been an awful shock for you. Six months into having a baby is when the weight of the pure exhaustion and continuous lack of sleep or disrupted sleep makes its presence loudly known along with everything else. Post-partum can be a vulnerable time physically, emotionally, and psychologically, and becoming a mum for the first time is life changing. The sense of love and responsibility is on a whole new level.
There are many new fears and worries, and post-partum anxiety can be present and yet less openly discussed than the more commonly known post-natal depression. Add in the rug being pulled from underneath you and I imagine you feel blindsided by this financial infidelity, and it would be only normal to feel angry and betrayed. You had your hopes and dreams for your new future as a family.
As you land in motherhood it can make your head spin as you try to find your feet in a foreign terrain, with many mothers expressing doubt in themselves, their confidence and decision-making.
When you add having a partner who has a gambling problem into the mix, this is when you need to reach out and get the support that you need. You can contact Gam-Anon of Gamblers Anonymous Ireland, which provides support to family members and partners as they live with someone who is gambling. At present, they are providing one-to-one phone support until further changes with Covid. Check out their website for more details gamblersanonymous.ie.
A gambling addiction, or compulsive gambling, is a progressive illness and the compulsion to get pulled back in is so easy even after long periods of not gambling. From your perspective, even though it may feel out of the blue, it might be helpful to look back and see if there are any patterns that lead to periods of gambling.
Does it occur at times of stress or change, are there any other addiction issues with alcohol, drugs, or sex? Have you noticed any changes in his mood or behaviour? At times of gambling is he more distant, not present, or preoccupied? Are there major mood changes in terms of highs or lows of noticeable irritability?
The difficult truth about addiction is that it is up to your husband to get help and that is so hard. He may go and get help now, but until he is ready, the change wont come. That can be so upsetting to everyone, and the frustration can be immense for you and your husband.
One red flag word is that he says he will get help, this is future based, there is no quick one-step solution or answer to your question. Keep the focus on what you can control and create boundaries about what you wont accept.
Seek support and help, but help yourself first. Set out your non-negotiables separate them into financial, emotional and what you wont accept going forward. Wishing you the best of luck.
Helplink has joined forces with the Gambling Awareness Trust to provide a national gambling addiction/gambling dependency counselling service that is available for free; seven days a week and out of hours. For a minimum of six free counselling sessions contact gamblingsupport@helplink.ie or call 0818 99 88 80.
Allison regrets that she cannot enter into correspondence. If you have a query you would like addressed in this column email allisonk@independent.ie
View post:
- Sports betting and gambling addiction are on the rise - Dakota News Now - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Proposed Alabama gambling legislation includes lottery, casinos, sports betting - AL.com - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Super Bowl betting soars, but it's still not legal in Chiefs and 49ers home states - NPR - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Problem gambling has increased in Ohio since sports betting legalized - Hamilton Journal News - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Sports betting and gambling addiction are on the rise - KTIV Siouxland's News Channel - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Sports bets during the big game could trigger gambling addictions - 25 News Now - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Illegal gambling raid at El Patron leads to 1 arrest and 23 citations - KRIS 6 News Corpus Christi - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Experts discuss responsible gambling ahead of the Super Bowl - Spectrum News 1 - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Gambling addicts face tough test as Super Bowl 58 descends on Las Vegas and NFL cashes in - USA TODAY - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- What are the NFLs gambling rules for the Super Bowl in Las Vegas? - The Athletic - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Personal Frontiers gets $45K to treat gambling addiction - Gillette News Record - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Super Bowl Gambling Grows, But Pastors Are on the Sidelines | News & Reporting - ChristianityToday.com - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Sports betting leading to increase in gambling addiction - Dayton 24/7 Now - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Betting on the Super Bowl: Impacts of sports gambling in Ohio as state's help hotline sees jump in calls - WKYC.com - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Sports gambling during the NFL Championship game will increase addiction rates - 25 News Now - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Billionaires Are Trying to Bring Casinos and Gambling to Texas - Robb Report - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Gambling becomes the first big issue of the legislative session - WBHM - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- DraftKings, helplines, and the hidden toll of sports gambling - The Boston Globe - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- The Super Bowl and gambling are locked in a tight and dangerous embrace - The Guardian - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Sports gambling addictions on the rise due to online betting, experts warn ahead of Super Bowl LVIII - WLS-TV - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Ads, food and gambling galore 5 essential reads for the Super Bowl - The Conversation - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Michigan Association on Problem Gambling warns of gambling problems ahead of Super Bowl - 9 & 10 News - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Ivey addresses gambling, AI, broadband and more - Alabama Political Reporter - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Tiny Nicks Gambling Picks: 02/10 - Zone Coverage - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Super Bowl gambling to break records - Action News 5 - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Capitol Notebook: Iowa gambling commission names new administrator - The Gazette - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Gambling in Iran: A prohibited but flourishing pursuit in digital age - G2G News - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell addresses legalized gambling, officiating, player safety ahead of Super Bowl LVIII - NFL.com - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Players on the 49ers and Chiefs are barred from gambling in Vegas, until the game ends - NBC Sports - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- Judge in Borgata/MGM case rules casinos have no duty to stop compulsive gamblers from betting - The Associated Press - February 11th, 2024 [February 11th, 2024]
- The Future of Florida's Sports Gambling on the Docket - 1290 WJNO - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Tiny Nicks Gambling Picks: 01/03 - Zone Coverage - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Casino smoking and boosting in-person gambling are among challenges for Atlantic City in 2024 - The Associated Press - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- What Are the Gambling Laws and Restrictions in Idaho? - kezj.com - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- NFL losing luster as obsession with gambling, numbers takes over - Herald-Mail Media - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- How old do you have to be to gamble in Arizona? What to know about gambling laws - The Arizona Republic - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- NY State Revenues from Sports Gambling Tops $2.9 Billion - Yonkers Times - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Gambling problem help-line calls have tripled since legislature legalized sports betting - pmg-ky2.com - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Here's why Americans spend nearly 4 times more money gambling at casinos than in the lottery - Newscenter1.tv - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Another Landmark Year In Store For New York Gambling In 2024 - Play NY - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- As sports gambling in Missouri remains illegal bars and restaurants in Springfield try to get as close as possible - KY3 - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Israel 'gambling' on Hezbollah avoiding all-out war after killing of Saleh Al Arouri - The National - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- What should the gambling industry's New Year's resolutions be in 2024? - Gambling Insider - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- San Jose Police Arrest Five Suspects in East San Jose for Illegal Gambling, Prostitution - San Jose Inside - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- NASCAR 2023 Season Recap I NASCAR Gambling Podcast (Ep. 319) - SGPN - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Support for gambling addiction increases in Ohio during first year of legal sports betting - WTRF - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Maine lawmakers consider expansion of tribal rights to online gambling, land-based casinos - Yogonet International - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Tiny Nicks Gambling Picks: 01/01 - Zone Coverage - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Virtual Reality Casinos: The Future Of Online Gambling? - TNT Magazine - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- 2024 could be the year Georgia lawmakers move on gambling expansion - The Albany Herald - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Helpline Calls Spike With Virginia Gambling Expansion - Scott County Virginia Star - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- 2024 could be the year Georgia lawmakers move on gambling expansion - The Center Square - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- The River: The story starts in 1991 as Vanna White cuts the ribbon opening casino boat gambling . . . - NKyTribune - User-generated content - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Cowboys-Lions Saturday MNF Week 17: Open thread and gambling picks - Silver And Black Pride - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- NBA First FG Props - January 2 - SGPN - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- 2024 will be 2023 all over again; gambling going nowhere; Decatur is a mess; and more on Alabama Politics This ... - Yellowhammer News - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Lawmakers propose bills to expand tribal gaming - Press Herald - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Five arrested after San Jose raid uncovers illegal gambling, prostitution, weapons - The Mercury News - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- NBA First FG Props - January 3 - SGPN - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- Gambling addiction resources available for those who need it - Fox 56 News - January 4th, 2024 [January 4th, 2024]
- 'Get your house in order': Lawmakers admonish gambling regulation agency, which defends processes - Indiana Capital Chronicle - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Blaise Ingoglia bill could open gambling options in the state - Florida Politics - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Tiny Nicks Gambling Picks: 12/24 - Zone Coverage - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Gen Z Stocks: The Path from Gambling to Investment - TipRanks.com - TipRanks - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- API report warns that gambling, state lotto legalization comes with downsides - Yellowhammer News - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Sports Gambling Special with Jason Sarney and Andy Slater of FOX SPORTS 640 - Miami Dolphins - Dolphins Talk - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- U.K. Parliamentary Committee Wants Premier League, Other Sports to Curb Gambling Ads - Covers - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Leader of state gambling regulation leaving for another job - Radio Iowa - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Brazil green lights online gambling regulation - igaming included - iGaming Business - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Shift to Eco-Friendly Practices in Online Gambling - Smithfield Times Eco-Innovation in Online Gambling: A Green ... - Smithfield Times - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- State Rep. Brown predicts vote on legislation with 'free-market - 1819 News - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Saints-Rams Thursday Night Football: Open thread and gambling picks - Silver And Black Pride - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Kentucky Edition | Kentucky's First Problem Gambling Fund | Season 2 | Episode 145 - PBS - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Boxing Day Preview and Best Bets - SGPN - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- 2024 Elections: Changhua officials arrest four for election gambling - - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Tiny Nicks Gambling Picks: 12/23 - Zone Coverage - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- MGM Resorts International donates six-figure sum to gambling harms research - EGR Global - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- The Degenerate's Gambit: 2023 Week 16 NFL Gambling Lines with Tony - Football Absurdity - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- The Mailbag Episode + State of Professional Golf | Golf Gambling Podcast (Ep. 331) - SGPN - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]
- Brazil Green Lights Sports Betting And Online Gambling Bill - World Casino Directory - December 25th, 2023 [December 25th, 2023]