Monthly Archives: April 2017

*By Shinjini Mehrotra

When I was a little girl, I loved to play house. I could spend hours having tea parties with my dolls arranged around me, and I loved "cooking" for my mom using my set of toy utensils. That was until I got a baby dollyou know the ones that look and feel like a real human baby? When I got one of those, I was obsessed. I would cuddle it, sing it songs, change its diaper, feed it milk, put it to sleep.

My mom was thrilled. She thought I had all the makings of a perfect wife and mother.

Fast forward to me in my late teens. I was at Pizza Hut with my then boyfriend (now husband) on what was one of our initial dates. But what should have been a romantic lunch turned into a horrifying encounterwith two 5-year-old kids. As they ran around the restaurant terrorising the rest of the patrons, their parents sat looking indulgently on. I could feel a headache coming on as those two ran around shouting, throwing cutlery, and being a general nuisance.

"I never want children," I whispered vehemently that day.

I was 19, he was 29. All I got was an indulgent look and a call for the check.

Fast forward to a recent evening. We were sitting on the sofa, heads bent over a smartphone, looking at photographs and going "Awww... how adorable! Such tiny little things! And they look so cute, sleeping on top of their mommy." We were looking at photographs of the most adorable Iranian wild cats, which are almost extinct, poor dears!

I'm in my mid-30s, he's in his late-40s. And no, still no children. But we do have two adorable fur babies, Simba and Loki!

Looking back on our years together, this decision to not have children seems almost organic. The 19-year-old me who didn't want children because they were such a nuisance grew into this 30-something me who is certain she doesn't want children for a lot of very valid reasons. And that 29-year-old indulgent boy who thought I was a kid and would grow out of that phase of not wanting children, is now a 40-something man who is thankful that I didn't.

Over the years, we have had our moments of doubt about our decision to be child-free. Like when we see really cute children who are well behaved (they exist!). Or all the times when my parents have sat us down and told us how much we will regret our decision to not have children. Or when my friends have told me what an awesome dad my husband would make because he is so good with their children.

At all those times, we revisit this decision. And whenever we talk about whether or not we should have children, the husband always says the same thing: "I will agree to have children only when you are 150% sure that you want them."

I've never been even 20% sure that I want kids. I feel no biological clock ticking and no desire to take on the life-changing responsibility of bringing up a child. And so we happily go about with our lives, following our interests and our careers. It's given us the mind space and the time that we need to follow the things that interest usfor the husband, it's his love for box-making and teaching DIY woodworking, and for me, it's the time to pursue my love for art, design, writing, and the Tarot.

We have had people tell us we're being short-sighted, self-absorbed, stupid; that we are bucking the "natural law" and fighting biology and evolution. But at the end of the day, we are the only ones who have to live with this decisionand either way, it is a big, life-altering choice. Yes, a choice.

Bringing an innocent child into this world should not be a default consequence of marriage. And it certainly shouldn't be something you resort to in an unstable marriage, hoping that a child will bring you closerheartbreakingly often, it doesn't. Having a child should be a thing of unbridled joy. If it isn't, maybe you should look for your joy elsewhere.

*Shinjini Mehrotra is an editor by profession and a passionate artist, Tarot card reader and writer. You can find her at moderngypsy.in, where she weaves together art, mindfulness and the Tarot to empower you to uncover your inner wisdom and live an authentic and meaningful life.

This post first appeared on Bonobology.com.

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I Have No Regrets About Choosing To Be Childfree - Huffington Post India

Carla Leanzo | Contributing Writer

Selfish. Regret. Irresponsible. Not truly in love.

All of these are ideas circulating around individuals, coined childfree that have decided to deliberately not have children. It seems, though, that family and friends seem to hold more interest in what my partner and I are doing with our reproductive organs than we actually do. I have never wanted children, and I still dont.

After months of research, compiling an overstuffed folder to show my doctor so he can take me seriously, collecting surgeons phone numbers, and even educating people on the various birth control options out there, I have decided that permanent sterilization is the right choice for me.

Heres the kicker though: I, like many on childfree communities such as Reddit or The Childfree Life, are in our late teens and early twenties. We like sex, we love our partners, and we dont love kids. We are responsible with our birth control, yet want the peace of mind to know that theres no tubes there or no bullets in the gun (Sperm. Im talking about sperm, people) to cause an accident. So, whats the deal, anyways?

Currently, most doctors are unwilling to sterilize patients under 30 years of age. By allowing patients of legal adult ageeighteen years and aboveto decide what birth control method is right for them, even if permanent, could help solve the problems of overpopulation, birth control failure and bodily autonomy.

As a legal adult, a patient holds full rights to their body in regards to a safe, highly effective procedure. According to a sterilization pamphlet by the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, tubal ligations still hold a failure rate of about .08 percent.

However, a less-broached option known as a bilateral salpingectomy (full removal of the fallopian tubes) almost entirely eliminates this failure rate since instead of the fallopian tubes being only clipped or blockedstill leaving room for an egg and sperm to possibly meetthe fallopian tube is entirely removed and any egg released is absorbed by the body.

In my recent interview with a doctor of Virginia Planned Parenthood, Dr. David Peters, I asked him if he would warn younger patients that came in claiming to want children if they would later regret their decision like so many doctors tell individuals that want to be sterilized.

He said, There is definitely a double standard when it comes to pregnancy. If I had my way, I would require a test of competency to allow pregnancy.

Wanting to remain childfree, and even go forth with the surgical procedure to ensure that, is a personal decision that should only be concluded by the couple involved. In speaking to my father about going forward with a bilateral salpingectomy, I was simply told, This is a decision you make on your ownyou have to be the one to decide what you are going to do and how you are going to deal with the outcomes.

This is a decision reached after long, hard reflection and research on what I was getting myself into. I know what choice is right for myself and I am confident in the conclusion that I have reached. If I am old enough to decide to start a family and have children, then Iand othersare old enough and responsible enough to decide not to.

Oftentimes, doctors will refuse to sterilize a patient for fear that, if the patient later changes their mind, the patient will sue aforementioned doctor for even performing the sterilization procedure to begin with.

However, the repercussions of a voluntary surgery, including later changing their mind, should be entirely the patients responsibility. To ensure this responsibility, the patient must sign a liability form that holds the patient responsible if they later change their mind, releasing the doctor from any and all responsibility. As with any surgery, patients are required to sign a consent form, but adding an appendix that would hold the patient liable for their choice should be added onto the consent forms.

Sterilization is also usually denied to patients because regret rates are a true occurrence that are not uncommon for the average young patient. There are, however, alternative options for couples if they do later want to start a family.

Although not always successful, in-vitro fertilization is an option if a couple wants to try for biological children. If in-vitro fertilization is not an option or is not wanted, then a consensual, surrogate pregnancy with a trusted female is also an option, or even adoption if a surrogate pregnancy is not possible. There are many options available to a couple if they change their mind later in life about starting a family.

Finally, it is not uncommon for an individual looking to undo their fertility to be asked, What if your partner later wants kids? Although sterilization is an entirely voluntary procedure, meaning that the patient must make their decision at their own discretion, one possible solution could be to encourage the patient to discuss their choice with their partner if they have one. This would give the couple the option to discuss such an influential life decision, although the decision would still ultimately rest upon the individual obtaining the procedure.

Sterilization is a procedure that is safe and effective, yet holds a stigma around it because it is permanent and there are other options such as the IUD, implant and other hormonal options such as the pill, patch or ring. However, for patients that are absolutely sure they wish to remain childfree and do not wish to manage contraceptives, sterilization is a valid option that allows a couple to freely enjoy their romantic life without the hassle of birth control or the fear of possible political influence on their availability.

Sterilization also offers peace of mind with the security of a vasectomy, even paired with a bilateral salpingectomy for the utmost effectiveness. In fact, upon talking to Dr. Peters, he enlightened me on the fact that, every study done has shown that people with children perform lower in every measurable form of success or happiness. This demonstrates how couples are no less valid for not wanting children than they would be if they did decide to reproduce, and even younger couples should be respected in their decision.

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Let Them Be Snipped: A Proposal of Ideas - ODU Mace & Crown