Moving ahead as a party of one Times News Online – tnonline.com

Published September 03. 2022 08:51AM

Today we should be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. Its funny to me how my opinion of marriage has changed over the years. It was important to Steve that we got married the old-fashioned way, in church, in front of our friends and family, and with all the pomp and circumstance that went with it. Me? I figured it would be easier to raise the kids in a traditional family and I really wanted the fancy dress and the big party. It all came together beautifully, and our wedding was everything we both wanted it to be and more.

Sure we had some bumps in the road, like when our limo pulled out of the parking lot after we took photos, the door flew open, and I almost fell out of the car. Or, when we got to the end of the night, and congratulated ourselves on planning ahead to have our vehicle in the parking lot, only to discover that Steve had forgotten to get the keys back from the friend who brought it over for us.

One thing that I do remember clearly was throwing off a lot of the wedding folks, like the limo driver, the photographer, and even the priest by being early for everything. Although I had everything planned down to the second and the smallest detail, there was more to it than just my anal retentiveness. I didnt want to wait one more minute to start our lives together. I also remember all of my bridesmaids being armed with tissues, just in case. There was no need for that. There were no tears to be shed on my end. Steve, being the big old sap that he was, did have a few, so my handkerchief did get used by one of us.

Although our day was traditional, I felt that a lot of things about our marriage ended up being not quite so traditional. Right off the bat, I never changed my last name. I had never planned to, and it had nothing to do with Steve. Quite simply, after being one person with one name for 31 years, it seemed a little silly to change it. Also, when Steve and I discussed it, I suggested that we both change our names, either combining our last names into a new name, or hyphenating them. He said, well that would be stupid. I loved it when he won my arguments for me.

For the first few days after we were married, Steve and I went through the whole thing of calling each other husband and wife and each time, wed collapse in hysterical fits of laughter. It sounded so ridiculous. Husbands and wives were just different people. We were just Steve and Liz, like wed always been.

Steves nickname of Wonderful Husband or The WH started as a joke due to our complete disregard for those titles. After 16 years, I would overhear Steve say to someone else my wife and Id think, who the heck is that? Then I would have to remind myself, oh he means me. And, any time I had to introduce him as my husband, I would have to fight back the giggles. Most of the time, Steves reputation preceded him, and I could get away with a This is Steve.

I dont think of myself as some crazy over the top feminist, but I never wanted our family to feel like anyone had to follow gender norms. Although I ended up being the one who put dinner on the table most nights, and Steve cut the grass and took out the garbage, I wanted our kids to know that at any time, I could easily handle putting gas in the car, and Steve could change a diaper with the best of them. Recently, the term life partner has come into vogue and although Steve hated the political correctness of it, I felt like it was a much better description of our relationship.

Among the many other nasty surprises that come in the wake of a death was just how fast you are literally not married anymore. Within days, I had to check the single box on many of the forms I had to fill out. A few of them graciously provided a widow box to check, which while harder to fill in, at least felt like an acknowledgment of what had existed.

When you say the words til death do us part, you think a lot about the (hopefully many) years leading up to that parting, but I never spent much time thinking about what life would be like after that parting. I guess when you assume that it will happen many years down the road, after a long and fulfilling life, you figure it might not be that much time to actually consider. Now, there is a good chance that Ill spend a lot more time parted from him than we had together.

I thought so long and hard about all the other parts of our vows, especially the in sickness part, because Steve was the absolute worst sick person ever, and I knew exactly what making that vow entailed, but I now know that I should have thought a lot more about the parting part.

While in my head, my heart, in every way that truly matters, I will always be Steves wife and he will always be my husband, our life partnership is over. Im just here trying hard to figure out how to keep moving forward as a party of one.

Liz Pinkey is a contributing writer to the Times News. Her column appears weekly in our Saturday feature section.

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Moving ahead as a party of one Times News Online - tnonline.com