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Straits times: Why some women choose to be childfree ...

Grace Bonney natalie chitwood

Grace Bonney founded the legendary blog Design*Sponge in 2004. DIY makers and interior designers alike took to the daily design blog for its joyful embrace of home dcor, creativity, and community. For fifteen years, Bonney curated, edited, and wrote for the blog. What started as a personal blog dedicated to chronicling style in Brooklyn grew into a much larger project, as influential as the shelter magazines that Bonney once worked for.

Only 23 when she launched Design*Sponge, Bonneys interests and concerns evolved over time. As her curiosity expanded beyond design, social media shifted the nature of reader engagement. Design*Sponges audience branched out as did Bonneys vision of community. That sense of openness lead to her 2016 book, In the Company of Women, a visually beautiful and inviting book that examined the lives of women who defied odds to realize their goals. The original hardcover was a large scale handbook for inspiration presented in the binding of a coffee table book. Auspiciously, the book was published shortly before the 2016 presidential election.

After three initial energizing and empowering events for the book, the election took place. The subsequent book events were overshadowed by grief and shock. Bonney recalls they took the tone of a group crying session. In that wake, Bonney drew from her own intergenerational friendships and feedback that caused her to explore her own internalized ageism to imagine her new book Collective Wisdom (Artisan). While it shares a similar layout and open spirit as In the Company of Women, this book enjoys a more expansive look at social engagement, shared responsibility, and the capacity for joy from the perspective of age and a diversity of backgrounds and experience.

Over one hundred women from 27 states (urban, rural, Native reservations) were interviewed for the book. The interviewees include disabled women, women of color, LGBTQIA+ women, artists, mothers, childfree women, artists, academics, park rangers, entrepreneurs and more. The vast majority of women, with the exception of those interviewed as part of an intergenerational friendship, are over 50. It was Bonneys intention to spotlight women who may not ordinarily enjoy the spotlight and celebrate their lifes achievements, endurance, and pride. Grace Bonney spoke with Observer over the telephone from her home in New Yorks Hudson Valley.

Observer: What really stood out for me about this book was its energy as well as the dynamic between the generations. You could have easily written a book that focused exclusively on women over 50, but exploring the interplay that exists between the generations distinguished the book from what could have been a passive tribute to elders. That engagement seems critical to societal progress.

Grace Bonney: That really was kind of the crux of the book for me. And I think people are always drawn to like individual profiles, but the friendships and mentorships that were profiled in the book meant the most to me because I think in that dialogue there was something really special and particular. For example, there are several stories about people who met their older friend through their parents. Theres a tipping point that occurs where youre the kid in the relationship and then you become an adult or when someone shifts from a friend of your parents to an actual friend independent of that relationship. I really enjoyed getting to hear how that happens for people, because I think sometimes the way we actually create adult friendships is mystifying. So much of this book, for me, is about seeking out adult friendship and what that what it takes to make that happen.

You were inspired, in part, by specific intergenerational friendships. Could you speak about that?

After my wife [the food writer Julia Turshen] and I moved to the Hudson Valley in 2014, I believe, we started volunteering at a group thats like a Meals on Wheels operation. Our co-volunteers were two women who were, at that time, in their late 80s. Immediately, we thought one of them, Georgine, was the coolest and we got to know her a little bit better by driving her to volunteering every week. She was a very interesting person with a really long life. During the last two years of her life, I got to know her quite well. We celebrated her 90th birthday and I would help her with her plants and her cat. The friendship I had with her gave me a perspective that I just didnt even know I was missing in my life.

I knew that I wanted to do a book that not only celebrated women like Georgine, but also celebrated what was so special and what I found in that friendship. So I knew that I wanted to include stories of intergenerational connection, whether those were friendships or family connections, or business mentorship because I know that those are so crucial.

I dont think that intergenerational friendships are encouraged enough these days. If you only hang out with people who are your exact same age, youre really not benefiting from just how much experience other people have to bring to the equation. And that goes both ways. Theyre mutually beneficial and too often portrayed as a young person kind of sitting at the foot of someone with a lot of wisdom, which does exist. People who live a long time definitely have learned a lot, but I think people have a lot more to offer than just wisdom. Its a type of perspective that is really important for younger people to have.

Yeah, I think it also involves energy. The negative thing about associating exclusively within a certain age group is that theres a tendency to fall into a rut with others who share your same life experiences. By turn, its also easy to romanticize the past. Friendships with people significantly older or younger than you help shake the sense that youre stuck and also help you see beyond your immediate lot in life.

Older people also get something out of being friends with somebody whos a different age. Theres a certain level of curiosity and vibrancy that our culture takes away from older people or assumes that they dont have anymore. And thats absolutely not true. Thats one of the many myths sold by dominant culture about age. I spent a lot of time with women from their 70s, 80s, and 90s. These are people who still have an incredible amount of vibrancy and curiosity and desire to learn, do and try completely different things. When we stop asking questions of those people, we stop acknowledging that reality. I think I really wanted to create a book that would counter that kind of flattening that happens to older women through the media and I hope this book would provide a counter narrative.Collective Wisdom by Grace Bonney Workman Publishing

Do you feel that people were very aware of that flattening or was it something that surfaced through conversation? How much are people aware of what the patriarchal society imposes upon them, as opposed to assuming that this is the way things are?

Everyone is aware of it. It is very clear. I think its something that whether or not you really realize it, youve internalized it. Something that people talked about a lot was kind of the awareness of how much they had taken on a lot of that inside themselves, and that they were self-censoring themselves at a point. It shows just how deeply we receive these messages about what age means and how much it limits us. At a certain point, almost everyone pointed out that whether or not you choose to actively fight against ageism, in a very public setting, the very act of existing, surviving, and adapting is inherently [an act] that is alive, thriving, and creative. We dont look at those stories close enough, but people are very, very aware of it. Young people, who were on the younger end of an intergenerational friendship, became aware of it much more quickly than I anticipated, because I would say that ageism goes both ways. A lot of us get passed up or not taken seriously because of our age which is also ageism.

It makes a strong effect when you realize that thats just yet another tool that dominant culture uses to kind of keep us apart from each other. I dont think people had necessarily connected that in the same way that, like a lot of the other isms such as patriarchy and capitalism that we deal with, ageism is another one that divides groups of people.

While I think that we all benefit from community, women in particular benefit from community. Women are uniquely isolated in this way that we dont need to be. Everything that I do is about trying to shine a light on how we can build community in even the smallest way. My hope was that people reading this, if they were under 40, wouldnt come away from the book saying, Oh, I have no connection to women in this age group, or I dont see myself reflected here, but instead would be reminded that this will be you if you are fortunate enough to live as long as these women and heres how you start connecting with them, here are some questions you can ask them, here are ways to stay curious about friendships that dont look the way that youve been taught that maybe they should look.

Youve youre taking on a different career transition as well, arent you? Would you feel comfortable talking about it a little bit?

This book pushed me over the edge in terms of feeling ready to leave the art and design world. Im now in grad school, studying to become a marriage and family therapist. Therapy has been a very big part of my life for the past ten years and I think its what kept me somewhat balanced as a business owner. When I did all the interviews for In the Company of Women, I realized how much I enjoyed sitting one-on-one with people, but we were still primarily talking about work.

This book felt completely different because we were talking about bigger life issues, not just entrepreneurship. Also, I was interviewing people during a pandemic. Everyone was terrified! It was a really unique time to be having these very vulnerable conversations. The amount of time and checking back and forth and coordinating times with peoples children to help them set up the technological requirements of doing these interviews really helped me get to know my subjects families so that by the time we sat down and had these talks, they were incredibly emotional, personal, and meaningful.

It really hit me that this is what I love doing. Ive always been far more curious about people than the things they makeeven though I love art and things that are handmade. I just became far more fascinated and curious about the people and the stories behind them and what makes somebody want to go into those fields. That curiosity has been a thread through most of the work that Ive done. Some invisible thing clicked during this project, where I realized Ive done so much talking for the past 15 years that I just want to do a lot more listening. It became really clear that that therapy was a place I wanted to do that.

Im not sure what the end version of that will look like. There are so many places where mental health support is needed. I didnt see how I could use skills from what I saw as blogging in the world, but I think that curiosity and learning to be a more active and present listener really have translated quite seamlessly into therapy work. Im really happy and grateful to be doing something completely different that makes me feel like a beginner all over again. Thats a really amazing feeling to have at 40.

Original post:

Grace Bonneys Collective Wisdom Rejects Ageism and Explores Older Womanhood - Observer

And Just Like That, the HBO Max revival of the iconic Sex and the City, is set to debut with its first two episodes on December 9. They released an official teaser trailer for the upcoming series, and darn itthey pulled me in.

Just hearing Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) in her classic voice-over tone, while getting shots of Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), and Charlotte (Kristin Davis) as they go through life really pulled me in. We get images of the returning supporting cast like Chris Noths Mr. Big, Evan Handlers Harry Goldenblatt, and the late Willie Garson as Stanford.

Additionally, we see the new characters that will be adding diversity of race, sexuality, and perspective to the lives of our three remaining leading ladies, like Sara Ramrez, Sarita Choudhury, and Nicole Ari Parker.

With the onslaught of revivals, there is a part of me that has always had my guard up about the new series. Sex and the City,the show, is precious to me despite all its flaws, as it was to so many others. It has become part of my love language with my friends. The films already shook the foundation and to have a spin-off series, without Samantha, made me worry if it would survive.

Then I saw my favorite character Charlotte crying watching her older daughter perform and seated next to her younger daughter I was like omg, I finally get to see Charlotte be a mommy to actual little girls and just like that I was trapped.

Plus, as a fan ofGolden Girls I cant help but feel excited about seeing the women ofSex and the City get to make this transition. They arent as old as the leading ladies in that series, but the fact is that we dont get many shows featuring women in their 50s, allowed to look like women in their 50s, getting to talk about sex and love, and putting their stories in the forefront.

As Ive said before these evolutions are exciting: getting to see Carrie and Big be happily childfree, to see what Mirandas life looks like as a mom and lawyer, what Charlotte has grown like from being a mother, but also being the mother of a non-white child (like Davis is in real life). So much of Sex and the City was these women trying to find love and now they all got their endgame, how have their priorities shifted?

Im slowly, truly, looking forward to seeing how we get to see how theyve grown as people. Especially because Samantha Irby is one of the writers and she has been killing it. SoAnd Just Like That lets see what you got!

After the first two episodes air on December 9th, they will be released weekly on Thursdays. Fridays are gonna be interesting.

(via Variety, image: HBO Max)

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And Just Like That Official Teaser Gives Glimpses Of How Our Ladies (And Their Kids) Have Grown - The Mary Sue

Emily Paluska was adopted at eight months old from South Korea, then grew up in a Midwestern rural town with her adoptive parents.

"I couldn't have asked for a better childhood," she says. "My parents were extremely involved in my life and I never felt anything but love and support. I wasn't treated differently than my other biological siblings."

Her TikTok account features recipes from Korea (which she uses to connect with her homeland) alongside content about transracial adoption. The latter is when a child is adopted into a family of a different race than their own a subject close to Paluska's heart and identity.

"There are so many adoptees like me that want to feel like they're not alone while they process their complicated feelings about discovering where they came from," she tells Mashable.

TikTok's often provided a space for users to create or find a community with similar interests, and adoption TikTok is a testament to this. Despite its known shortcomings, the platform is proving to be a portal for such conversations and community-building. Niche, sometimes stigmatized subjects have found a home here, be it childfree TikTok or a support network for keloid awareness.

Adoptee TikTok, a collective of TikTokers sharing their adoption stories, is reaching monumental numbers. The hashtag #Adoption itself has 2.8 billion views. More niche hashtags like #AdoptionJourney, which has 170 million views and focuses on the voices of adoptive parents, and #AdopteesofTikTok at 57.4 million views, tell individual stories of adoption and everything that accompanies the process.

The videos in adoptee TikTok are overwhelmingly informative, and promote stereotype-shattering conversations, as the subject can be cloaked in typecasting, stigma, and assumptions. With this in mind, adoptee TikTokers have embarked on a mission to speak out about their past, their present, their families, and their shared experiences including conversations around mental health and trauma.

Alison Roy, a consultant child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of A for Adoption, told Mashable that adoption TikTok is a function of people seeking and providing support in equal bouts, speaking to "when families and adoptees think about their stories and bring their shared stories together, finding ways to talk about their losses, rather than living in their trauma."

"That's why people use these online mediums, and it's really important that people do find ways to connect in healthy ways," Roy adds, noting that storytelling and sharing experiences are often tools used in conjunction with therapy and external forms of support.

TikTokkers like Paluska, for instance, have found TikTok to be a medium through which she can connect her own stories with the lives of so many others.

"My hope is that by talking about it more, it can both educate those who aren't familiar with transracial adoption along with helping to connect other adoptees that have been searching for others just like them," she says.

Paluska's videos also touch upon the complications of this kind of adoption, noting how some ingrained notions of adoption include that of the "white saviour" narrative, for instance.

"International adoptions especially are often framed like, 'look how terrible your home country is, thank goodness you were brought to America.' It definitely feeds into the whole 'white saviour' narrative," she says. "I would encourage anyone who is looking to adopt a child outside of their own race to be fully committed to integrating your child into their native culture," she says. "Speaking as an adult adoptee, it will save your child a lot of hurt and confusion if you help embrace where they came from when theyre young."

"Its about factoring in the right support for families, keeping in mind different people, different families," she says. "These issues require the capacity to reflect."

Paluska's exploration of her roots has led to some backlash online, which stems from entrenched ideas around adoption. She's faced this response both while growing up and across the internet where she shares her story.

"Some thought I was trying to claim that I was a different race than my own so thats been frustrating. Ive also had people question why it matters that I want to know where I came from that just because Im genetically Korean, it doesnt mean I have to learn about Korea. For the record, it absolutely matters. Comments like this are why so many adoptees feel like they dont belong anywhere," she says.

Like Paluska, Taylor Shennett, a Chinese adoptee, creates content on TikTok advocating for conscious adopting similar to conscious parenting, in which a parent lets go of their own ego and desires to create a two-way relationship and channel of communication.

With adoption, this can mean being open to your adoptive child asking questions about their birth parents and roots and answering with care and transparency. In doing so, Shennett says adoption can become a positive, healing experience. Her videos take a deep dive not only into her own adoption story but the institution itself, and the varying emotions that accompany the process. She cites resources for adoptive parents, and advocates for supporting and listening to adoptees with an open mind.

Aubrey Hoover also counts herself amongst TikTok's adoptee population. While her content doesn't just focus on her adoption story, she's touched upon it with a poignant video about her birth mother, with whom she connected after discovering her on Facebook.

Discovering her birth mother is a facet of open adoption, a type of adoption in which the biological and adoptive families can access limited personal information and make contact. This form of adoption has become increasingly common since the 1970s in the U.S.

"For a lot of adoptees, we do often think about where we came from. Even since finding my birth mom, I often wonder about how she feels about the life I currently live," Hoover tells Mashable. She explains that TikTok allows her to express her feelings about being adopted.

"Continuing to be open on social media really will provide adoptees with relatable content to process and heal any and all issues they have with the subject," she says.

TikTokkers within the adoptee realm frequently mention their continuous healing processes, and often share advice on managing mental health. Bella Baskin is another such content creator, who addresses the emotional weight of her adoption, while speaking to the wonderful experience she's had with her adoptive family.

"There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes with being adopted," she says.

Credit: tikok / @bella.baskin.

These are the sorts of conversations scattered through Baskin's account, peppered between deeply honest stories of her relationships, family, and snippets of her daily life. Baskin was adopted into the Baskin family, of Baskin-Robbins fame.

"I was adopted into a really cool family," she says. "But being adopted into a loving family is [the most] important. As adoptees, we're a lot more sensitive and needing of attention. Im lucky my family has always treated me like their own."

Like other creators within adoptee TikTok, she acknowledges the assumptions people unfamiliar with adoption often apply to the subject.

"Throughout my life when I've told people I'm adopted, I'll either get 'I'm so sorry', which supports the false belief system of there something wrong with me, or self-pity, or 'I wish I was adopted'", she explains. "A lot of people are nave to the emotional issues that come along with being adopted."

Breaking down such false beliefs sits at the core of adoptee TikTok, while elevating the perspective of those who have been adopted themselves. For many, it has been a joyful, liberating process. As people openly navigate their experiences, they form bonds with those who have similar narratives.

"It has been amazing hearing other people's stories. I think it's made all of us feel less alone," Paluska says. "We may feel lost and adrift in trying to connect to our roots but we're all mutually feeling the same thing so it makes it feel a lot less lonesome."

Read the rest here:

TikTok helps adoptees find a new community to explore joy, family, and belonging - Mashable

WEDDINGS can be very stressful to plan - and it doesn't help when someone tries to force an invite.

A woman ranted on Reddit about how she wanted her daughter to be invited to her cousin's wedding - but it completely backfired.

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Taking to the social media platform, the 32-year-old woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, shared: "I need some insight to see if Im in the wrong because I really dont feel like I am.

"I just received an invite to my cousin Alexs wedding. It stated on the invite that the wedding was childfree.

"Im not new to childfree weddings but what has me frustrated is the fact that there will be children in the wedding. Alex plans on having her and her future husband's nieces and nephews at their wedding.

"I overheard her asking her sister if her niece could be the flower girl at a family get-together. This confused me because childfree means no children, so I called Alex and asked."

She continued: "I told her and said that if her nieces and nephews are going, then my 5-year-old daughter, similar in age to her nieces and nephews, should be allowed to go, too.

"Alex said that only those in the bridal party are the exception and that she wants her nieces and nephews at the wedding. When I asked why they could come and not my daughter, she said its because she knows her nieces and nephews are well behaved so there will be no issues.

"She also knows her sister and brother-in-law's parents very well and, to top it off, she is a teacher who wants a day where she doesnt have to deal with the children of others. She also said she is closer to them.

"I told her that her reasoning was ridiculous because childfree means no kids, including her nieces and nephews. Alex told me if I was more than welcome to decline the invite, so I did."

The user then involved their families by reaching out to her mom and telling her what was going on: "I ended up venting to my mother [married to Alexs dads brother] and while she didnt agree with Alex, she said she could understand her feelings.

"However, my dad didnt like it and called her dad, my Uncle Mitch, asking why my daughter could not come. Mitch told my dad that it is Alexs wedding and she can do as she pleases. He also said cousins are not the same as nieces and nephews, especially since theyre in the bridal party.

"My dad said since Mitch is paying for it that he should talk Alex into allowing children, but he declined and said that he and my aunt dont believe paying for the wedding gives them a say and even if it did, he agrees with Alex.

"This upset my dad, so he then told other family members. Now several members are upset that Alex and her future husband's nieces and nephews will be there but no one else is allowed to bring their children. We have a fairly large family and we all watch each other's children, so finding childcare will be difficult.

"Most of the family say its Alexs wedding and her reasons make sense, but I and some of my cousins are refusing to attend. Alex doesnt seem to care one way or the other.

"One cousin told Alex she was bringing her child anyway to which Alex said, 'Make sure you wear sneakers so its easier on your feet as youre escorted back to your car' which is how we found out shes having the security guard from her school checking the guest list and that he knows to not let any children in."

Unfortunately, despite believing that she was in the right to demand her child be invited, no one on Reddit agreed with her.

One person wrote: "This has made me laugh. It's her wedding, not some admissions policy for a restaurant. You've basically tried to 'speak to the manager' to demand your own way at someone's wedding. Drop it before you create any more drama."

A second commented: "Considering her immediate reaction was to go cry to her father to try and get him to bully his brother into switching his daughter's plans say a lot.

"I'm not surprised the bride isn't that heartbroken about the original poster and her other drama-seeking relatives not attending. Good for her honestly."

And a third shared: "Its her wedding and she gets to decide who can come or not. You complaining to your parents and having your dad call her dad to complain is childish.

"It might seem unfair but its her wedding and you dont have any right to argue with her about any decisions that she makes. If you dont agree with her rules then do exactly what she said, dont go. She isnt forcing you to do anything you dont have to do."

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My cousin invited me to childfree wedding I demanded my child be allowed to go & now my whole family w... - The US Sun

When Sasha was in college, she did what a lot of young women her age do: she Googled which birth control would work for her. But after some research, the answer seemed to be: none of them. Almost every method had drawbacks: increased risk of irregular bleeding, depression, menstrual cramps, or pelvic infections.

When Sasha began her first sexual relationship, she ended up temporarily taking hormonal birth control pills. But she was so nervous about those failing that she always used condoms as backup. (The Daily Beast is using a pseudonym at Sashas request.)

All the drama made Sasha wonder if she even wanted to have children at all. I realized that the things I had been looking forward to about having kids were almost exclusively limited to the idea of seeing a future significant other being happy to become a father, she said.

But when it came to her own feelings, Sasha dreaded almost every other aspect of being a parent. She didnt want to experience pregnancy, the trauma of childbirth, the financial burden of raising a little one. And she worried how being a parent would directly inhibit [her] ability to achieve other goals in life.

Sasha spent time volunteering with children to see if shed change her mind. It only solidified her feelings. I didnt dislike the kids, [but] I just wasnt comfortable there, she said. I realized that parenting a young kid would just not be for me.

She began researching permanent contraception in the form of a sterilization procedure. Sasha made the decision to not have sex until she could afford the surgery. To this day, she hasnt been able to get one. So Sasha, who is now 25 and lives in Minneapolis, hasnt had sex since her sophomore year of college.

When Sasha began her first sexual relationship, she ended up taking hormonal birth control pills, but always used condoms as backup.

William B. Plowman/Getty

I feel as though Ive had to put part of my life on hold, Sasha said. Even if I were to meet someone today who was perfect for me and I wanted to be in a serious relationship with them, I would have to wait until we could move forward with that part of our relationship.

Part of the problem, Sasha and others say, is how difficult it can be for young women and non-binary people to convince doctors they will not regret opting into a procedure that leaves them unable to have children for the rest of their lives. Women in the United States must be 21 to have their sterilizations covered by Medicaid or the Indian Health Service. Those with private insurance do not have that age restriction.

One study cited by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reported that around 20 percent of women who get the procedure before they are 30 feel regretful afterwards. That risk of regret drops down to 6 percent for women who are sterilized after age 30.

Still, ACOG lists sterilization as the most common form of contraception for married couples, with 18.6 percent of American women aged 15-49 getting permanent contraception.

To find encouragement, Sasha has trolled the r/Childfree subreddit, where users provide support to like-minded internet friends who also dont want to become parents. The subreddit has a pinned Google Doc where users can share the names and contact information for doctors who have helped them get the procedure and spoke to them in a respectful, judgement-free manner.

This policy sends the horrible message that the decision to not have children is most likely the result of a mental illness.

Sasha

Sasha recently saw a health-care provider for a different issue and mentioned that she was planning on having her tubes tied. To her surprise, the doctor was very supportive right from the get-go. Though this specific practitioner is not a surgeon, she plans to refer Sasha to the right doctor for the procedure.

She suggested that I write a letter about why I dont want children and why I want the procedure, as this may help convince doctors who may be concerned about performing permanent sterilization on a person my age, Sasha said. She also warned me of a doctor who requires his patients to see a psychologist and have them sign off on the procedure before he will agree to perform it. I suspect that doctor does not require his patients to have a psychologist sign off on their decision to have children, which arguably has a far greater impact on someones life than not having them. This policy sends the horrible message that the decision to not have children is most likely the result of a mental illness.

"A gynecologist ligates the fallopian tubes on a model of the female reproductive system."

Henadzi Pechan/Getty

Nisha Verma, MD, the Darney-Landy Fellow at ACOG and a complex family planning specialist, told The Daily Beast that, There is still some paternalism where theres a provider who wont do permanent contraception or tubal ligations for younger people or those who havent had kids. Ive seen some people who have been turned away from other doctors. But many of us have intentionally shifted from that and are counseling patients instead of telling them what to do. We talk about the potential regret and that this is permanent, but feel that its important to provide permanent contraception to people who feel that this is something they really want, whether theyre 18, 21, or relatively young people.

Dr. Verma added that its normal to see patients who feel like they have to prove that they deserve permanent contraception. I dont want them to feel like that at all, Dr. Verma said. I preface the conversion by saying, Im here to honor your decision whatever that is, I just want to have a conversation about all of the options.

Kristy MacLennan, a psychology honors student from Perth, Western Australia, recently completed a research study and thesis on the lived experiences of childfree women who have been refused sterilization surgery by doctors. She spoke with 11 people for this project. Many participants said they developed tokophobia, or the fear of being pregnant, because of how difficult it was to get their procedures done. This led some to avoid sex completely.

The situation ended up splitting me and my partner at that point up, just because I kind of went through a stage after that where I was just like, I don't want to have sex at all if this is going to be the outcome, one woman told MacLennan. Another newlywed said, For the first almost year of our marriage, living together and like, our intimate life was almost non-existent because I was so terrified.

Even when Sasha gets her sterilization procedure completed, she suspects shell still have trouble feeling comfortable being intimate with others. Ive been thinking about this for so long now that I suspect even after I do have the surgery, it will probably be a while before I can get over the fear and the idea that I could get pregnant any time I have sex.

I went on one date, but the issue is she said she wanted five children. So when I told her that I dont want kids, we just became friends.

Matt, 18

Matt, an 18-year-old college student from Central Florida, has never had sexand he doesnt plan to until hes had a vasectomy. Its cooled down the [number of people] who I can reasonably go out with, he said. I havent dated anyone. I went on one date, but the issue is she said she wanted five children. So when I told her that I dont want kids, we just became friends.

He once told his family pediatrician that he wanted a vasectomy, and the doctor told him that he would change his mind eventually. In response to answering people who ask why he doesnt want children, Matt has created a list of reasons on his phones Notes app.

Well for one, theres the whole climate thing, he said. The world going down the drain is a good way to put it. Theres overpopulation and the financial burden. Other reasons are more mundane: I like getting my sleep and Im very sluggish if I dont get a whole lot of it, theres annoying stuff that small children do, plus having to plan vacations with children is difficult, and I dont want to hold up any lines because my kid is doing something thats getting in the way of anyone.

Lynn, a 32-year-old woman from the Shetland Islands, off Scotland, who works as a farmer and uses both she/they pronouns, has always known she didnt want to be a mother. As a 3 or 5-year-old, Id get into a bad mood and stop playing if I was made to be a mom to our dolls, she said. I wanted to be the dad, out doing work and not left stuck with the baby.

In her early twenties, Lynn went to a nurse to discuss how she could improve her hellish and agonizing periods that left her taking days off of work to lie in bed in crippling pain. When she mentioned getting a hysterectomy, the nurse told her to quit working mens jobs, and to find work as a receptionist or in a school. That experience discouraged Lynn, and shes never gone through with the procedure.

Lynn did have sex with a partner she dated in her twenties, and she always wanted to use condoms. He didnt like to use them. I had said to my boyfriend the first conversation that we ever had that I was not a marriage person and someone who didnt want children and he was fine with that... until his actions and words proved otherwise a few months into the relationship.

Lynn alleges that her former partner would sexually assault her while she slept so he did not have to use condoms. This led to a pregnancy scare that left Lynn unwilling to have penetrative sex ever again. I know that even 99.9999% effective pregnancy prevention wasnt good enough for me, she said.

Lynn broke up with her partner, but later got pregnant as the result of a different rape. She got an abortion, but felt so traumatized by the encounters that she swore off sex, and men, for good.

While the decision to not have childrenand, for some, therefore sexremains deeply personal to every individual, there is evidence to suggest the choice falls in line with declining birth rates in the United States.

Melissa S. Kearney, a professor of economics at the University of Maryland, recently co-authored a report on the The Puzzling Fall of Birth Rates Since the Great Recession. The paper found that between 1980 and 2007, US birth rates generally fluctuated within a narrow range of roughly 65 to 70 births per 1,000 women between the ages of 15 and 44. But since 2007, the numbers have plummeted, reaching 55.8 in 2020, about a 20 percent decline over 13 years.

This reduction impacts women across many demographic subgroups, meaning theres no one type of woman whos having less children. Women with and without college degrees, teens, and women of differing races are contributing to the steep drop-off in birth rates.

Anecdotally, one hears some young women refer to the climate crisis as a potential factor affecting their decision making.

Melissa S. Kearney

We tentatively speculate that women who were raised in the 1990s and 2000s have shifted priorities, as compared to the previous cohorts of women who grew up in earlier decades, Kearney told The Daily Beast. The different life decisions of these more recent cohorts of women with regard to childbearing could reflect changes in preferences for having children, aspirations for life including career and leisure goals, and parenting norms. Specifically, the fact that parenting is a much more intensive activity than in previous decades.

Kearney added, Anecdotally, one hears some young women refer to the climate crisis as a potential factor affecting their decision making, but I don't know if that is a driving force for these women or how widespread that sentiment is.

Haidong Wang, an associate professor of health metrics sciences at the University of Washington who specializes in demography and economics, said that it will take a few years to know for certain how the pandemic impacted birth rates. But if you follow cohorts of women who were born in 1950, 1960, 1970, and on, you will see a steady decline in their fertility, Wang said. Even if COVID hadnt happened, there are no reasons to believe that the fertility rate would increase.

Almost no one asks you if you think you might change your mind...they just tell you that you will. I have thought it through very well and my mind has not changed for 7 years.

Sasha

All of the people who spoke to The Daily Beast about their decision to remain abstinent until they can get sterilized felt like they would not regret their decision as they got older.

If anyone asks me that, I just say, Well, I wont change my mind, and I leave it at that, one 17-year-old from Arkansas who plans to get the procedure done when shes 21, said. If they try to continue and argue with me, I just blow them off.

Almost no one asks you if you think you might change your mind...they just tell you that you will, Sasha said. I have thought it through very well and my mind has not changed for seven years. If I am someone who as a person radically changed, then I could adopt. If they are still distraught, I point out that IVF would still work, too.

Most of the women who spoke to The Daily Beast said that they were tired of being second-guessed as if their decision to not have children were irresponsible. To them, its the oppositethey feel its quite responsible, actually, to not complicate a new life by exposing it to their own problems.

Im not some poor, loveless, hate-filled being, Lynn said. I knew from a young age that people are bad to each other, and that if I could prevent anyone from suffering the badness of other people, I would prevent it, Lynn said. And that means not bringing another person into the world.

Link:

Meet the People Who Won't Have Sex Until They're Sterilized - The Daily Beast

Scary Mommy and Westend61/Getty

This week: What do you do when you resent your childfree friends because youre jealous of them? Email [emailprotected]

Dear Scary Mommy,

Im a 28-year-old mom to a super sweet one-year-old girl. Im also the first one in my friend group to have a baby. Im also a single mom and my parents live an hour away, so I dont have a ton of babysitting optionsespecially during a pandemic. My friends are all still single and go out every weekend like single people do. I know they love me and they love my daughter, but seeing their Instagram photos and seeing how much fun they all have without me really sucks. Obviously theres nothing I can do, I made the choice to become a mom and I wouldnt change a thing. I just miss my old life, and having carefree fun with my friends. They also never invite me to tag along, which I get, but manit hurts. How do I deal with this?

Learning how to be completely selfless for the first time is truly the hardest part of parenting, because it encompasses everything. Its absolutely understandable and valid that youre feeling left out and envious. Who wouldnt? Youve had to say goodbye to that part of your life, or at least youve had to put a pause on it. Adapting to a huge transition like the one youve undergone during the last year or two is incredibly challenging, and it only makes sense that youd feel wistful for the time in your life when you werent solely responsible for sustaining and protecting a tiny human life.

While I do not think that motherhood does not equal instant martyrdomwe were all whole ass people with interests, hobbies, and relationships before we had childrenyour child is still very, very little and very, very dependent on you. People who arent parents cant truly understand what that means, but your friends understand enough about your situation to know you cant go out with them every weekend.

That being said, Im a little bummed that you havent mentioned that any of your friends has offered to sit with your little one while you grab a drink or lunch with another friend. If youre willing (and you trust it), Id ask one of them to help. Chances are, they just havent considered it out of oblivion.

Aside from that, if there are any colleges or daycare centers nearby, check out the early childhood education majors/teachers in your area. I know thats a babysitter goldmine in my town. There are websites out there that conduct background searches and require clearances, etc., before they allow people to care for kids. Its also extremely within your bounds to require a sitter to be vaccinated.

You may not have a whole village, but we all need someone. I hope you find someone you can rely on so you can ease your FOMO and find some time for yourself.

Excerpt from:

Ask Scary Mommy: My Childfree Friends Never Invite Me Out And I Have Major FOMO - Scary Mommy

I was 27 when the status of my womb became fodder for casual comment. Unfortunately, I hadnt been copied into the announcement that my parental status was now a conversational free-for-all.

Id got used to the better get a move on! half-jokes from acquaintances at awkward family events, but I was 35 when I realised the tone of remarks had shifted. Something unspoken had happened, some silent tide had turned and the sentiment around my expected motherhood transitioned from jolly but chastening encouragement to the mournful, pitying recognition of impossibility.

I was at a funeral when a family member informed me that I would regret not having children. It was an unsolicited remark that probably reflected the experiences of the speaker more than their understanding of my circumstances. They couldnt possibly have understood I hadnt told them anything. They knew I didnt have children and that was enough for them to pronounce on my future: one stained by absence and remorse. That week, I grieved not only for the person whod died but also for the fertility Id lost and the children I would never have.

I was in an accident and emergency waiting room, in the midst of miscarriage, when one of the strangers sitting next to me opened a conversation by asking if I had children. I knew she meant well and intended no harm by her question but it ached nonetheless. The baby that was still inside me had been my little mate. I loved them. Carrying them with me gave me a revelatory feeling of strength and power. While we were together, I felt fortified. At an antenatal appointment just a few weeks before, the midwife had beamed when she saw me: Dont you look the picture of health! For the first time in my life, I agreed with a compliment and felt it was true. I felt full of life. I was full of life. Until I wasnt.

Miscarriages are regular occurrences. So many women have experienced pregnancy loss that Ive felt almost embarrassed to be distressed the enormity of my grief felt self-indulgent in the vastness of loss. This week is World Childless Week an initiative that aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (CNBC) community.

According to World Childless Week organisers, one in five women at the age of 45 does not have children and 90 per cent of them are childless not by choice. I think the organisation is doing essential and much-needed work but the CNBC community is one to which I wish I didnt belong.

The labels assigned to those without children feel abrasive, chafing wounds Im desperately trying to heal. The term childless, for example, feels dark. For me, it not only reinforces the idea that motherhood is the norm, but also centres on a deficiency, a lack, an absence.

Childfree is a term generally considered to be a more positive alternative especially for those whove chosen not to have kids but it also feels difficult. It suggests liberation rather than loss but it also focuses on maternity even if the deficit is given an affirmative spin. So much of the discourse around motherhood assumes that maternity is the pinnacle of womanhood, the fulfilment of femininity that we cant seem to find language that doesnt bolster potentially damaging ideas about women.

In our pro-natalist culture, maternity is so entrenched in our cultural understanding of femininity that womens maternal status is constantly centred, questioned, criticised, and discussed. Dr Dawn Llewellyn at the University of Chester has researched motherhood and voluntary childlessness in Britain. She suggests theres a cultural maternal expectation that constructs women as maternal bodies, which silences and marginalises women from articulating their complex relationship with motherhood and childlessness. I think Dr Llewellyn summarises my issue: the expectation of motherhood can be as damaging as the loss of pregnancy.

Frankly, I dont want to be childless or childfree. I dont want to be viewed through the prism of mother-never-to-be with the sad smiles, hand-pats and pitying looks that come as part of an unwanted package. Perhaps its time to chuck the labels and stop describing women according to their maternal status.

More:

We need to stop describing women based on their maternal status - The Independent

A BLOKE who went from being childfree to a dad-of-nine in just three years has shared his family's chaotic morning routine online.

Jake and Maxine Young, from Berks County USA, have built up a huge online following after sharing their unusual family story that saw them rack up a bumper brood.

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The couple had a son of their own, before deciding to foster four siblings, who they then officially adopted.

Parents to five children, Jake and Maxine decided to have one more biological child to complete their family, but the pair got the shock of their lives when they found out Maxine was pregnant with quads.

She welcomed the family's four new additions in July last year and, naturally, with a brood of nine (all aged eight years old and under), things have become pretty manic in their household.

Giving people some insight into just what it's like to have nine kids, Jake shared a YouTube video via The Family Young Vlogs of the family's morning routine.

It begins with the dad heading out at 8am to stock up on coffee and donuts, before waking up the older kids and getting them fed.

In the 16-minute long clip, Jake jokes that it's "nice" to get some time alone in the morning on his coffee run and revealed that morning he was letting his partner, Maxine, sleep in as she "deserves it" once in a while.

Armed with his breakfast essentials, Jake keeps his cool as he throws together a mismatch breakfast of donuts, oranges, string cheese, apples and whipped cream.

With the kids chowing down on their morning meal, it's then all systems go as Jake slathers them in sunscreen before heading outside with his five eldest, so they can have some time to play.

Not surprisingly, they run riot, with Jake admitting: "As brave as these kids are climbing and swinging... this right here scares me, but they're having fun."

You know the funniest part about all this is that it's called morning routine... but every single day is different

Next on the agenda is waking up the quads, who at the time of filming were 11-months-old.

He changes their nappies and bottle feeds them, all while some of the older kids sneak in for cuddles with their younger siblings.

Jake then turns his attentions on dressing the babies, before he finds himself being chased around the house by the older kids as they play "attack dad".

"You know the funniest part about all this is that it's called morning routine or you know a day in the life or anything like that, every single day is different," he reveals.

"It all depends on how the babies are, if they're fussy, if they're happy... every single day would be different," Jake explains.

"That is pretty much how our mornings go."

FABULOUS BINGO: GET A 5 FREE BONUS WITH NO DEPOSIT REQUIRED

Maxine previously revealed that she doubted she could fall pregnant again without going through IVF, like she and Jake had done first time round with their son.

"I didn't think that I could even get pregnant without doing IVF like I did with my son. I remember texting him [Jake] and I was like 'Oh my god,"' she told American news outletwfmz.

She added that while the couple were excited at adding four more kids to their brood, they had their worries too.

"The doctors are worried about the babies and [we were] worried about our other kids, adding four more babies into the mix with a family of five already," Maxine said.

It hadn't been an easy road to parenthood for Maxine and Jake - the pair suffered multiple miscarriages and endured chemical pregnancies, a round of IVF and an IUI before Maxine fell pregnant with their son Henry, who was born in 2018.

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Meanwhile, one woman reveals 'I quit my job to teach online now I earn a six-figure salary and I dont even have a teaching degree'.

Plus, mums horror after girl, 3, was left seriously ill after being attacked by COYOTE on family holiday.

And this woman shares 'I was dubbed the biggest catfish after Botox, fillers & skin treatment I now actually look like my after pictures'.

See more here:

We went from childfree to nine kids in three years after adopting four, having a son and then QUADS its... - The Sun

A BLOKE who went from being childfree to a dad-of-nine in just three years has shared his family's chaotic morning routine online.

Jake and Maxine Young, from Berks County USA, have built up a huge online following after sharing their unusual family story that saw them rack up a bumper brood.

7

7

The couple had a son of their own, before deciding to foster four siblings, who they then officially adopted.

Parents to five children, Jake and Maxine decided to have one more biological child to complete their family, but the pair got the shock of their lives when they found out Maxine was pregnant with quads.

She welcomed the family's four new additions in July last year and, naturally, with a brood of nine (all aged eight years old and under), things have become pretty manic in their household.

Giving people some insight into just what it's like to have nine kids, Jake shared a YouTube video via The Family Young Vlogs of the family's morning routine.

It begins with the dad heading out at 8am to stock up on coffee and donuts, before waking up the older kids and getting them fed.

In the 16-minute long clip, Jake jokes that it's "nice" to get some time alone in the morning on his coffee run and revealed that morning he was letting his partner, Maxine, sleep in as she "deserves it" once in a while.

Armed with his breakfast essentials, Jake keeps his cool as he throws together a mismatch breakfast of donuts, oranges, string cheese, apples and whipped cream.

With the kids chowing down on their morning meal, it's then all systems go as Jake slathers them in sunscreen before heading outside with his five eldest, so they can have some time to play.

Not surprisingly, they run riot, with Jake admitting: "As brave as these kids are climbing and swinging... this right here scares me, but they're having fun."

You know the funniest part about all this is that it's called morning routine... but every single day is different

Next on the agenda is waking up the quads, who at the time of filming were 11-months-old.

He changes their nappies and bottle feeds them, all while some of the older kids sneak in for cuddles with their younger siblings.

Jake then turns his attentions on dressing the babies, before he finds himself being chased around the house by the older kids as they play "attack dad".

"You know the funniest part about all this is that it's called morning routine or you know a day in the life or anything like that, every single day is different," he reveals.

"It all depends on how the babies are, if they're fussy, if they're happy... every single day would be different," Jake explains.

"That is pretty much how our mornings go."

FABULOUS BINGO: GET A 5 FREE BONUS WITH NO DEPOSIT REQUIRED

Maxine previously revealed that she doubted she could fall pregnant again without going through IVF, like she and Jake had done first time round with their son.

"I didn't think that I could even get pregnant without doing IVF like I did with my son. I remember texting him [Jake] and I was like 'Oh my god,"' she told American news outletwfmz.

She added that while the couple were excited at adding four more kids to their brood, they had their worries too.

"The doctors are worried about the babies and [we were] worried about our other kids, adding four more babies into the mix with a family of five already," Maxine said.

It hadn't been an easy road to parenthood for Maxine and Jake - the pair suffered multiple miscarriages and endured chemical pregnancies, a round of IVF and an IUI before Maxine fell pregnant with their son Henry, who was born in 2018.

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Meanwhile, one woman reveals 'I quit my job to teach online now I earn a six-figure salary and I dont even have a teaching degree'.

Plus, mums horror after girl, 3, was left seriously ill after being attacked by COYOTE on family holiday.

And this woman shares 'I was dubbed the biggest catfish after Botox, fillers & skin treatment I now actually look like my after pictures'.

Continued here:

We went from childfree to nine kids in three years after adopting four, having a son and then QUADS its... - The US Sun