Monthly Archives: February 2022

When she was growing up in New Jersey, Alexia Del Valle had a mural of the Hollywood sign on her bedroom wall. She dreamed of making it out to Los Angeles.

She doesnt need paintings anymore. Now that shes part of the Familia Fuego, an all-Latino TikTok collective living high in the Hollywood Hills, she can have the real deal whenever she wants.

I got here and looked outside our window, and theres the Hollywood sign, said Del Valle, 23. I literally was crying.

A world-class view is one of the many perks that come with being part of the Familia. Del Valle moved into the groups $2.2-million shared home last September. Ever since, she has been brainstorming ideas, collaborating on videos and advancing her budding entertainment career alongside four other young social media stars: Leo Gonzalez, Monica Villa, Jesus Zapien and Isabella Ferregur. With the backing of DirecTV and the influencer marketing firm Whalar, the quintet have gone from working service industry day jobs to doing shots with Neil Patrick Harris, watching the Chargers alongside Roddy Ricch and living down the street from Quentin Tarantino.

Familia Fuegos $2.2-million TikTok content house in the Hollywood Hills.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

With the backing of DirecTV and the influencer marketing firm Whalar, the TikTok collective Familia Fuego has gone from working service industry day jobs to hanging out with celebrities.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

As both Hollywood and the influencer economy wrestle with questions of diversity and representation, Familia Fuego is the rare project thats unabashedly, wholeheartedly Latino. How many other influencers could get 50,000-plus likes on a video about pozole? That theyre based out of a city thats nearly half Latino, but in an extravagantly wealthy neighborhood where that proportion is closer to 10%, further colors the uneasy task the TikTokers have of representing their heritage while also making inroads into historically white career fields.

Its definitely challenging being a high-profile Latina influencer, said Del Valle, whos of Puerto Rican descent and has 1.5 million followers on her personal TikTok account (the shared Familia Fuego page has another 127,000). But its also special, because its giving us an opportunity to represent where we come from. It seems more rewarding, in a way. Were putting ourselves out there, and our people out there also.

People often assume that influencers are all rich or have limitless resources, Del Valle added, but she doesnt think shed have been able to move to California without the help of Familia Fuegos corporate sponsors. People dont see that we really came from humble backgrounds.

Social media can sometimes be dominated by conspicuous displays of wealth: designer outfits, globe-trotting vacation selfies, Michelin-rated food porn. The Familia Fuego doesnt entirely reject those signifiers in some posts, they practice their red carpet struts or cross paths with celebrities but theyre also more interested in mocking the daily struggles of service industry work, as Zapien puts it, than most influencers. A recurring sketch series in which they impersonate retail employees finds them wrangling nightmare customers and fighting over who gets the worst shifts. Other bits center around flaky co-workers, callous HR reps and overfamiliar recruiters.

Its a perspective rooted in personal experience. Before the Fuego house, Zapien, 24 and Mexican American, worked at Walmart, Disneyland and then a bank. I was super shy, he said. And then I was like, Im too broke to be shy.

Now he does TikTok full-time, while his sponsors support him with things such as studio space, housekeeping service and staple food deliveries: Its nice to get paid to do what you love.

Del Valle worked at Disney World before graduating from college in 2020. Of all the TikTok collectives in L.A., Familia Fuego may have the highest proportion of members who can instinctively show you how to do a Disney point, the special hand gesture park employees have to learn.

The rest of the crew followed their own winding paths toward influencerdom. Villa, a 24-year-old Chicana, used to work at a catering company. Ferregur, 21 and from a mixed Mexican Cuban family, did boat rentals. Gonzalez, 27 and also Mexican American, hoped to become a television reporter. He worked at broadcast stations across California and Nevada before a TikTok of him parodying a newscaster blew up and he decided that social media might be a less traumatic career.

Ive never been able to call myself an influencer, Gonzalez said when The Times spoke with him and the rest of the Familia. All five sat around the houses dining room table; Gonzalez had recently passed two million followers on his personal account, and they were celebrating over croquettes and guava pastelitos. But after a content house, maybe youre an influencer.

I still cringe, Ferregur said. I dont call myself an influencer.

In Ubers, I always tell people Im a freelance video editor, Gonzalez agreed.

Before becoming TikTok creators, Alexia Del Valle, left, worked at Disney World in Florida and Jesus Zapien worked at Walmart, Disneyland and then a bank.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

Monica Villa, a 24-year-old Chicana, used to work at a catering company before joining the TikTok collective Familia Fuego.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

Ive never been able to call myself an influencer, said TikToker Leo Gonzalez, left. Isabella Ferregur echoed Gonzalez: I still cringe, Ferregur said. I dont call myself an influencer.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

If the two are uneasy with their newfound celebrity, they arent alone. None of the members think of themselves as famous, Villa said: Well still go to the store, and if someones looking at us were like, why are they looking at us? She and others also said they sometimes struggle with self-doubt or imposter syndrome.

Being Latino in the public eye presents further challenges. Ferregur dealt with racist bullies while growing up in Carlsbad, but now online critics call her whitewashed. And Villa has struggled to find an audience for Spanish-language TikToks; she instead focuses on making English and bilingual ones.

Its a little harder for Latinos to actually grow if youre not doing something super mainstream, she said.

But their heritage has also made it easier for the Familia Fuego to bond with one another. TikTok content houses are common in L.A. the most famous of them, the Hype House, recently became a Netflix show but Gonzalez said a lot of them feel weirdly inauthentic, superficial or careerist.

They do their video, and then theyre just on their phone, he said. Here, we have talked about our fears and dreams. Weve been vulnerable. Weve cried together and prayed together.

The difference, Villa and Zapien agreed, is that the Familia is built around a shared Latino identity every member can relate to.

Los Angeles is as good a place as any to do that. According to Brendan Nahmias, a manager at Whalar who helps oversee the house, all of the Familia members had enormous Angeleno followings even before they moved in together. Del Valle, the New Jerseyan, had a slightly larger following in New York; but the other four have always had their biggest fanbases in L.A., even when they werent living in the area.

Our demo is here, Gonzalez said. Whenever we go to any sort of public place where its Latinos we all have people there who know us.

The location also gives them easy access to Hollywoods Latino elite. Members of the Familia have been able to collaborate with Eva Longoria; eat dinner, while starstruck, with Mexican comedy powerhouse Eugenio Derbez; and attend the premieres of Latino-centric projects such as West Side Story and Gentefied.

When I was in high school, we had those fake Hollywood red carpets at events such as homecoming, Del Valle said. But to be on a real one was surreal.

As full-time influencers, the Familia Fuego are doing what is a dream job for many Americans. Its a dream that few people are able to realize, even as more and more money flows into the social media sector.

Were it not for DirecTV and Whalar recruiting them via an email everyone initially assumed was a scam; Dont get too excited, Ferregurs parents warned her the Familia members might not have been able to pull it off, either.

I wanted [social media] to be my job, but it wasnt, really, Ferregur said. It was very unstable. I was just taking things day by day; I wasnt sure where it was gonna lead. But after coming into the house and being managed by [Nahmias] and Whalar, now it is a stable job.

The Familia arent the first cohort to get that opportunity. Whalar previously ran an all-Black TikTok collective, The Crib Around the Corner, in partnership with DirecTVs then-parent company AT&T. (Sinda Mitchel, a senior vice president at Whalar, declined to say whether a third house is in the works, or what demographic it might focus on were one to happen.)

But the houses arent charity projects. Both the all-Latino Familia and the all-Black Crib focused on fast-growing segments of DirecTV customers that are nevertheless notoriously hard to reach through traditional channels, chief marketing officer Vince Torres said in an emailed statement. The houses were developed to give DirecTV the ability to reach them in an authentic way.

Before making TikToks with the Fuego Familia, Jesus Zapien, left, was shy. And then I was like, Im too broke to be shy.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

As full-time influencers, the Familia Fuego are doing what is a dream job for many Americans.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

Aside from slightly more pressure to do good work, all five Fuego members had only positive things to say about their relationship with DirecTV and Whalar, and were optimistic that their time in the house would set them up for future success. The financial underpinnings of their role free housing, food and travel stipends, production equipment, a studio and a paycheck, all in exchange for a fixed number of branded posts each month seem as benign and equitable as they could hope for. And its easy to be enthusiastic about any effort to diversify the influencer landscape, which has been criticized for underrepresenting and underpaying creators of color.

Theyre not just doing a cute Hispanic Heritage Month commercial, Gonzalez said. Theyre literally funding the livelihoods of five creators.

Yet it remains unclear whether this blend of patronage and boutique sponsorship could scale up to the point where it would make a real dent in the broader platform dynamics that still make financial independence a far-off dream for most aspiring influencers, Latino or otherwise.

The creator economy needs a middle class, venture capitalist Li Jin warned in 2020. Long-time social media creator Hank Green recently criticized TikTok for using a pay-out model untethered from corporate profits, making it hard for many users to earn a living. Even going repeatedly viral on the app isnt always enough to break even.

Even if more companies took the same hands-on approach to finding and funding emerging talent that DirecTV and Whalar have, theyd still be tackling the problem at a rate of five TikTokers every six months. TikTok, meanwhile, reportedly has more than a billion users and grows larger by the day.

Though it might not be a systemic solution to creator income inequality, the Familia Fuego project has at least given each member an individual career boost. Now, with just a few weeks left in their residency, theyre looking to the future and to opportunities beyond TikTok.

Segueing into more traditional film and television work is everyones end goal, Ferregur said. She and Del Valle also hope to get involved with the fashion and beauty industries; Villa and Zapien are more inclined toward music. Gonzalez is currently working on a memoir.

But for the time being, TikTok is all of their main gig; and even if they see it as more of a stepping stone than a permanent position, its still a welcome alternative to what they were doing beforehand.

I dont expect for it to be forever but if it can be, thatd be so nice, Gonzalez said. Its never felt like it could be a long-term thing, but right now it does.

Isabella Ferregur hopes to segue into more traditional film and television work and get involved with the fashion and beauty industries.

(Mariah Tauger / Los Angeles Times)

The rest is here:

The real lives of Familia Fuego, the all-Latino TikTok house - Los Angeles Times

New Delhi, Delhi, India (NewsVoir) HarvestPlus and Grameen Foundation India have signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) to increase food, nutrition, and livelihoods security through the production, consumption, and marketing of conventionally bred biofortified crops in India. The collaboration will focus on health and nutrition initiatives, along with financial inclusion and agriculture-based livelihoods, to enable vulnerable populations (especially women) to overcome poverty and hidden hunger. These initiatives will be led by women agripreneurs known as Grameen Mittras, who will provide doorstep availability of various services and develop a personal connection with farmers through regular interactions, thereby cultivating good faith and trust with them. These Grameen Mittras are also transforming their own lives by learning new skills, generating income, and increasing their financial independence. Under this engagement, a pilot with biofortified zinc wheat has been undertaken in Uttar Pradesh under the Commercialisation of Biofortified Crops (CBC) Programme, which is co-led by HarvestPlus and the Global Alliance for Improved Nutrition (GAIN)This pilot focuses on training and capacity building of smallholder farmers (with at least 30 percent women farmers), awareness generation on the cultivation of biofortified crops, and enhancing knowledge of farmers and Farmer Production Organizations (FPOs) on pre-harvest and post-harvest loss and its management. We are delighted with this partnership with HarvestPlus, as it directly helps in advancing our mission to overcome poverty and hunger, said Prabhat Labh, CEO of Grameen Foundation India. By working closely with the Farmer Producer Organizations and progressive farmers, we are popularizing the adoption of biofortified seed varieties, which will go a long way in addressing micronutrient deficiency. Biofortified wheat produced on 1,600 acres in this rabi season will be adequate to meet consumption and nutrition supplement needs of over 60,000 individuals, he added. We are very pleased to have the opportunity to partner with Grameen Foundation to help scale up production and consumption of nutrient enriched crops in India, said Arun Baral, CEO of HarvestPlus. The focus on women agripreneurs in particular is in line with our strategic priority of engaging and empowering women as farmers, family members, and entrepreneurs, he added. About Grameen Foundation of India Grameen Foundation India (GFI) specializes in designing and implementing innovative programs to facilitate access to finance, livelihood opportunities, and health and nutrition information amongst low-income people especially women. GFI addresses demand side and supply side barriers through scalable models, the use of technology applications, and innovative partnerships and work closely with the private sector, governments, agriculture and health implementers, mobile network operators and value-added service providers, financial institutions, and other stakeholders to prime our solutions for adoption and scale. About HarvestPlus HarvestPlus improves nutrition and health by working with partners to develop and promote biofortified food crops that are rich in vitamins and minerals, and providing global leadership on biofortification evidence and technology. HarvestPlus is part of the CGIAR and is based at the International Food Policy Research Institute (IFPRI). Through the work of HarvestPlus and its many partners, more than 270 varieties of biofortified crops have been released in 30 countries around the world.

PWR PWR

(This story has not been edited by Devdiscourse staff and is auto-generated from a syndicated feed.)

Read the rest here:

HarvestPlus Partners with Grameen Foundation India to Empower Women through Inclusive Agriculture Approach - Devdiscourse

Wednesday 16 February 2022 9:21 pm

DLA Piper is considering plans for a full merger between the US and international arms of its business, Financial News has reported.

Since being formed out of a merger between three law firms in 2005 one from San Diego, one from Baltimore, and one from Britain DLA Piper has worked as two separate partnerships one of which is based in the UK and the other of which is based in America.

However, DLA Piper is now weighing up plans to fully merge the US and UK sides of its business, according to sources speaking to Financial News.

A merger would see full integration between the two partnerships that form DLAs business.

Although the two partnerships currently share the same board and both work under the DLA brand, they operate independently using a Swiss Verein structure, which allows the two arms of DLAs business to retain their financial independence.

Critics of Vereins says the structure allow for a shallow type of merger, by essentially keeping each partnership separate. A full merger would further integrate the two partnerships.

The two arms currently have separate profit pools, separate management structures, and separate remuneration policies.

As such, a full financial merger would fully integrate the two wings of DLAs business and see the firms share a single profit pool, and take on the same remuneration policies.

While the US arm of DLA only deals with American matters, the UK wing deals with all UK and international clients, in working across Europe, the Middle East, Africa, and the Asia Pacific.

Read more:

DLA Piper considering full merger between US and UK partnerships - City A.M.

In 2018, Thejaswi Nayak, lost her husband and it made her a widow at the tender age of 23. With a 3-month-old fetus in her womb, she decided to challenge patriarchy with love and compassion. An experience brings up a tumult of bittersweet thoughts and emotions for most people is that of becoming a parent after the death of a parent.

My childhood was great until I was 15. I lost my father. But my mom was a strong working woman and she was financially independent. She brought me up alone and was able to support me with education. She played a major role in making me what I am today, Thejaswi explains.

She fondly recalls a memory of when she was in fifth standard and she went to ask her dad about a Physics equation. The man who was at the time, Head of the Physics Department at Mangalore University obliged in offering her every solution. I had no clue about the amount of research he used to do behind every concept. He explained the equation in a very simple manner. Later on, I got to know that if you teach something to a child, you are a brilliant teacher and I think he really was one. That is something I will never forget and keep it forever long in my life. She says, not in grief that he is no more, but feeling thankful that he once was.

With a strong educational background, Thejaswi majored in Electronics and Communication as a graduate and now works with a Bangalore-based organization. But it was at her previous workplace that she bumped into the love of her life and the two bonded over tech. Their marriage was an inter-cultural affair between the two families and religions - Bengalis and Mangaloreans. I thought it was a fairy tale wedding but it wasnt. I never thought inter- cultural weddings would have so much clash of beliefs and rituals. When you are marrying someone from a different culture, you need to respect each others culture. It is in place from hundreds of years and you cant mock someones culture just because its not yours, fretted Thejaswi.

All too soon, Thejaswi had felt the chill from her mother-in- laws cold shoulder. No matter how hard she tried, she revealed that her mother-in- law used to shun her. His mom used to taunt, Shaadi mei kuch nahi mila. On the other hand, in my culture dowry is a big no. We dont really shower groom with a lot of things, argues Thejaswi.

After her husbands unexpected demise in 2018, she was 3 months into her pregnancy and her life changed completely. Although she had support from her mother all this while, she spent the rest of her pregnancy coming out of the trauma and dealing with the patriarchy. My mother-in-law made comments like she didnt feed my son, she didnt cook for my son and the baby in her womb is a kalank, because of which my son died. Today I am able to tell you this with a firm voice, but three years back those comments just stabbed me, rues Thejaswi.

She explains how life came to a full stop after she lost her husband. She recollects spending moments lost in void. I did try killing myself. I have a mark on my left wrist. But something came up and I stopped myself. My mum was there with me to overcome my thoughts. Looking at her was an inspiration. If she could overcome my dads death then even, I had to overcome this. Thejaswis mom helped her overcome the grief of her husband. Thejaswi found comfort and solace in her presence.

In the initial stage of her pregnancy while she was still dealing with her loss, many relatives and the doctor recommended her to terminate the pregnancy, thinking of her future aspects in terms of child rearing and her career. But yet again, giving birth was her sole decision. It was a turning point in her life where she decided to never look back. I had to go for a regular scan for my baby where they show you the fetus and make you listen to the heartbeat. The thought of another human growing inside me, that moment just changed me as a person, physically and mentally.

She started seeking therapy which helped her to deal with the grieving, and pre and postpartum stress. When I lost my husband, it was a double trauma because after my dad, I was looking for a dream man. I was completely shattered. After that moment, my perspective towards life changed. I told myself that I have to live on my own. Nobody can come and rescue me, stated Thejaswi.

Its indeed hard to draw the line between whats helpful and supportive, but in Thejaswis case, her co-workers were striking a balance between the two for her. They made sure that even while she was on leave for a couple of months, she didnt go through any financial strain. She said, That day when I found out that he was no more, it was somewhere around 12 o clock at night. The first person I called was my colleague. He informed his managers and came home with the team. They assisted me with the proceedings, made sure I was okay and helped me gather the courage to break the news to my mum and my in- laws."

In these tough times, one thing that didnt let Thejaswi down was her financial independence. She stated, The greatest advice my mom has always given to me is to become financially independent. Itll always save you from drowning in the worst. Initially, the moment my husband passed away, we had a cars loan, but luckily his father took care of it. After that I never got any financial assistance. But because I was getting a monthly salary to support me and my daughter, I didnt have to struggle much financially. I always give a piece of advice to everybody- Dont quit your job after marriage. Career is different, marriage is different. Both have their own roles to play.

Thejaswi accepted the challenges and responsibilities of single parenting without self-pity and bitterness. Despite lack of time, she recognized the importance of self-care and attempted to do so through physical, spiritual and emotional means. Even after giving birth, my mom babysits my daughter and I still go out with friends for half a day or something whenever I get time. One of the main things which healed me was writing my feelings out and music and singing. I would do the things I love that eventually helped me heal. Thejaswi chose to see positive aspects in stressful situations and felt that she has succeeded despite many doubts.

Amazingly, when asked about her consideration of remarrying, she believes in prioritizing her daughter and her life at the moment, as the pain is still a bit all-consuming for them. Thejaswi has shown interest in choice motherhood without seeking any validation from society.

In India, where patriarchy is quite prevalent, a single mother is treated differently from someone who has a husband. There are many things that single mothers have to hear from the society but strong mothers like Thejaswi manage to function as both parents with the utmost strength and grace. Thejaswis success mantra is to never give up. Her message to all the single mothers out there is- I just want the world to know that I was just a normal girl who was dreaming of her prince charming but reality hit me differently. There will be many challenges in life no matter how much you love a person. Even after that, its you and your efforts thatll make everything work in your life. Both good and bad people will come, both good and bad things will happen, but its how you react and how you change things for yourself, she signs off.

Also Read:Colours of Courage: Meet the Dancing Dadi, Ravi Bala Sharma who refused to dance to her ages tunes; EXCLUSIVE

More:

Colours of Courage: Single mum battles societal stereotypes to raise her daughter with dignity - PINKVILLA

ByJennifer Nelson, Next Avenue

getty

Traditional financial advice like the kind you got from your parents is often true but even experienced investors might rely on maxims that are outdated and no longer serving your financial well-being.

In fact, quite the opposite, as sticking to adages like "cash is king" (money is more valuable than other investments like stocks and bonds) and "all debt is bad" may be financial relics that you can stand to update.

Here are 5 money thoughts that you can ditch to keep a young financial mind:

One rule that may have become obsolete is paying down your mortgage faster than usual. With mortgage interest rates low, there's a good argument that putting that money elsewhere and earning a higher return over time may be a better bet than paying down your mortgage early. "Trying to decide between eliminating debt and investing for the future can be a difficult decision," says Jason Laux, retirement advisor atSynergy Group, a retirement planning firmin White Oak, Penn.

"But mortgage debt isn't always a bad thing. If you put off saving for retirement in order to pay off your mortgage early, you may end up house rich but cash poor," says Laux.

Instead, prioritize your personal finances. Use any extra money to max out contributions to your 401(k) or IRA. "Saving and investing for retirement is going to offer you a better return over time," Laux says.

Over the long run, holding significant amounts ofcashensures that you'll suffer significant lost opportunities, explains Robert R. Johnson, professor of finance at Heider College of Business, Creighton University, and the co-author of "The Tools and Techniques of Investment Planning, Strategic Value Investing and Investment Banking for Dummies."

He explains that when it comes to building wealth, you can either sleep well or eat well. If you invest conservatively, you sleep well because of little volatility. But it doesn't allow you to eat well because your account won't grow large enough to keep you well-fed.

According to data compiled by Ibbotson Associates, large capitalization stocks (think S&P 500) returned 10.3% compounded annually from 1926 through 2020.

Over that same time, long-term government bonds returned 5.5% annually and T-bills returned 3.3% annually.To put it in perspective, $1.00 invested in the S&P 500 at the start of 1926 would have grown to $10,945 (with all dividends reinvested). That same dollar invested in T-bills would have grown to $21.71. "The surest way to build wealth over long-time horizonsisto invest in a diversified portfolio of common stocks," says Johnson.

Twenty years ago, if you had disposable income, you gave it to a financial advisor, who invested your money into safe, boring vehicles earning roughly 7% 10% per year, explains Stefan von Imhof, CEO ofalts.co, one of the world's largest alternative investing communities. "Today, retail investors are increasingly shunning financial advisors, and managing investments themselves."

Imhof explains that a decade ago, 57% of households with $500K+ in net worth and a prime earner under 45-year-old had an investing style considered "mostly self-directed." By 2019, that number has shot up to 70%.

"New generations are self-educating and taking on higher levels of risk to get higher returns," says Imhof. They look to invest in alternatives, which usually aren't an option with mainstream advisors," he says. Today, managing your portfolio on your own or with light guidance from an occasional financial check-up with a professional may be the preferred way to go.

"Sure, this advice will work for someone who plans on working until their mid to late 60s," says Ty Jones, a personal finance and retirement blogger who blogs atAskTheSavingsGuy, a Financial Independence Retire Early (FIRE) advocacy blog, "but if you want to retire in your 50s, you'll need to save much more aggressively."

By saving 25% of your income, a 30-year-old with no retirement savings could reach their retirement goal by age 55 instead of age 63, which is what it would be if they were to contribute only 15% per year based on the 4% rule and assuming an 8% return. Bumping up your 10% percent retirement savings to 20 or 25% can ensure both a more robust retirement portfolio and allow for earlier retirement, explains Jones.

This rule says you can spend 4% of your retirement funds annually and not run out of money. Johnson says, research, most notably by WadePfauof The American College of Financial Services, shows that while historically that rule of thumb worked in the United States, the current environment of low bond returns increases the likelihood that retirees may well run out of money if that ruleisapplied going forward.

See the original post here:

5 Money Thoughts That Might Be Aging You - Forbes

Cupid is airborne on this Valentines weekend with his quiver stocked with arrows. From my vantage point, his aim is still precise. Hallmark cards are flying off the shelves, red roses are being delivered and restaurants are decked out in red hearts. And why not? Being in love is grand.

Like most of you, I have felt intoxicated from a jab of Cupids arrow. When we are love-struck, the mere thought of our beloved can cause us to feel euphoric. In this limerence stage, we metaphorically wear love goggles. We can only see certain parts of our belovedand those parts are all roses. And thats the rub: Roses come with thorns. Love is grand until its not.

Domestic violence is on the rise, more so amid the COVID crisis. Sometimes these violent acts make headlines, but most times not. Many couples soldier on, ensnared in unsafe relationships

The most harmful abuse sometimes does not look like abuse at all. These abuses will hit a person in their soul where it hurts the most. Some folks excuse or justify their partners behavior with: Thats the way she is or He was having a bad day. Really? Physical, verbal, sexual, and emotional abuse should never be tolerated. We owe no loyalty to abusive people.

People ignore the danger signs in a relationship by thinking the injurious behavior is an anomaly and will magically pass. Sometimes we trip over the red flags, trying to convince ourselves that our partner will changeand all the while our knees are metaphorically bleeding. Sometimes we dont realize we were in an abusive or toxic relationship until the relationship comes to a catastrophic end.

The signs of a toxic or abusive relationship can be subtle. Communication is paramount. However, if every discussion turns into an argumentabout the same thing look closer. These failed discussions are red flags, partially buried. If repeated requests to be heard are ignored, this can be a form of emotional abuse.

Most folks assume they can identify verbal abuse. This type of abuse can be insidious. An innocuous statement from the abuser about ones weight, family or cooking style can, over time, erode the victims confidence.

Constantly correcting, making demeaning comments, put-downs and a prolonged silent treatment can cause the victim to question their abilities. The victim slides into complacency while the abuser eases into control.

Does one stand by their partner or kick them to the curb when unfaithfulness is discovered? Oftentimes, cheating is tolerated or ignored. Studies show that the cuckolded party sometimes feels they are not good enough and shoulders the blame.

That so many wronged partners manage to turn the other cheek is admirable. I wonder why they dont show their wandering mates out the door. How many chances can you give another person before one is victimized themselves?

Historically, sexual relations within a marriage were recognized as the right of a spouse. No. Your partner is not your property and non-consensual relations is considered rape. Yet only 34.8 percent of victims report the crime for fear of retaliation.

Financial abuse is domestic abuse. It hurts victims by stripping away their control over their own finances. Cases where the abuser takes charge of the finances and leaves the victim in the dark are well-documented. In extreme cases, the abuser forbids the victim to work or sabotages their current employment.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in an abusive relationship. The abuser tries to take control of their victims sense of reality. The abuser sedulously denies they ever said something or twists or retells events to shift the blame on the victim. People who are subject to gaslighting, often feel confused, anxious, and are unable to trust themselves.

I worked in a womens center before moving to the North Fork. We sought to alter the sequence of abuse and violence and forestall homelessness. Yet, many smart intelligent women couldnt let go of their partners. These victims were locked into a repeat performance cycle.

It is a natural and healthy to want to share ones life with a partner. Unfortunately, some folks settle for good enough. We know what we have and the prospect of putting ourselves out there is daunting.

The fear of being alone keeps couples in destructive situations. Insecurity can be enough of a glue to stick with a relationship. Some folks never attain financial independence and trade security for abusive behavior. Some women feel they need a man to take care of them; likewise, a man needs a cook and bedwarmer.

Speaking from personal experience I know how hard it is to leave an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we give so much of ourselves away that we erroneously feel we have no self to rely on. Finding the courage to dig deep enables one to uncover their authentic selves. Theres no doubt about it: Our authentic self is buried alive beneath the debris of an unhealthy relationship.

Author Autumn Kohler writes: A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass; if you stay you will keep hurting, if you walk away, you will hurt but eventually heal.

When we have the courage to walk away from an unsafe relationship, we will eventually realize that our value is non-negotiable.

Dear readers, on this Valentines weekend, may you find a wonderful love in yourself for yourself.

The survival of local journalism depends on your support.We are a small family-owned operation. You rely on us to stay informed, and we depend on you to make our work possible. Just a few dollars can help us continue to bring this important service to our community. Support RiverheadLOCAL today.

Excerpt from:

Column | When Cupid's arrow has a poisoned tip - RiverheadLOCAL - RiverheadLOCAL