COLUMN: Of Moles and the Grand Theatre <\/p>\n
By Jim Wolff <\/p>\n
Grand Theatre Commission <\/p>\n
The common garden mole is the downfall of society. I know this because I live in a secluded area with acres upon acres of grass to mow and maintain. And within my peaceful bucolic paradise lurks a majority of the countys mole population. Big moles. Nasty brutes. Ugly things intent on burrowing and tunneling wherever and whenever they feel the need to scar the landscape. <\/p>\n
I have tried every trick in the book to keep them out. Poison peanuts, gummy worms, granulated pellets of castor oil, human hair, human urine, smoking them out, drowning them out, chewing gum, building a wall. You name it.Ive tried it. I have literally spent hundreds of dollars trying to rid my lawn of moles. To no avail. <\/p>\n
If anything, I think I have made them tougher, cloning a super mole that is resistant to everything. I know this because I have this one mole; Ive named him Brutus, who lives by my crabapple tree. He is about as big as a medium sized German Shepard. Beady eyes, prominent buck teeth and an orangish tint to his glossy fur. Brutus bears a striking resemblance to President Trump. <\/p>\n
Now WAIT! I know that remarks like that will get me a whole lot of nasty tweets, hate mail and Letters to the Editor, so I just want to apologize, in advance, if my comparison has offended any moles. Or for that matter any mole lovers, or PFTETOLP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Lawn Pests). <\/p>\n
So I have resorted to staking out the lawn, pitchfork in hand, while waiting for Brutus and Co. to dig. Time moves slowly when one is standing in the hot sun, gnats hovering around ones head while watching the ground for the slightest movement. My thought was this: If I could just get rid of Brutus, his underlings would be scared and run off into someone elses yard. There would be chaos, revolts and turmole among his gang members. I could see it all in my mind. \"Stay off my turf!\" I would shout. <\/p>\n
Butlittle did I know, as I watched in one directionBrutus had been tunneling silently behind me until he was but a few feet away from me. Ohit pains me to continue my story. <\/p>\n
With an audible pop, he burst through the soil, snarling. I whirled around, dropping my pitchfork in my haste and looked right into the very nearsighted eyes of Brutus! He looked mad! But well fed. A cigarette was dangling from his lip. He stared at me while unwrapping a piece of Wrigleys Doublemint. On his head he was wearing the most outrageous wig of human hair I have ever seen. Talk about scary! It was at this point, I must confess, that regardless of what folklore you may have heard, I have the proof that moles are not repelled by human urine. <\/p>\n
I just recently turned 60 years old. And some of you are 60 years old too. But even if youre some punk 40-year-old kid, I would bet that there has been a time in your life where you really had to face the music. Put your money where your mouth is. Really dig down deep inside yourself. And that was what I did at that molement. <\/p>\n
I coolly looked at Brutus like he was just some insignificant minor annoyance and said, Mr. Brutus, I am going to make this deal once and once only. Here are five dollars. That ought to buy a pack of cigarettes for you (Pall Moles). Here are two packs of Juicy Fruit. And I have some gummy bears, the good kind, not the poison stuff. Take it and get out. Go back to your business, but let me have my little piece of paradise without all your molestations. Refuse, and one day I will catch up to you or your wife Molenia and you will wish that youd left me alone. <\/p>\n
Brutus hesitated for a moment, but then, abruptly, he headed into his tunnel. <\/p>\n
I have not seen him since. <\/p>\n
..But somehow I seem to have strayed from the original purpose of my articlewhich is this: We all own a little piece of paradise in the Grand Theatre. It is worth protecting and maintaining. There will be lots of events scheduled in the near future including a fundraiser celebrating the life of Keokuk-born Conrad Nagel. We invite you to come face the music. And the dancing. And the acting. Watch for more details. Your current and future support is worthy of a ton of appreciation from us, here on the Grand Theatre Commission. And not one molecule less! <\/p>\n
Jim Wolff is a member of the Grand Theatre Commission. <\/p>\n
--------------------------------- <\/p>\n
COLUMN: Is living to 125 too much of a good thing? <\/p>\n
By Tom Purcell <\/p>\n
Syndicated Columnist <\/p>\n
A 125-year life expectancy for human beings? I have zero desire to stick around that long. <\/p>\n
Ah, yes, you speak of a debate among scientists over human longevity. I read about it at Business Insider. Some scientists argue that the maximum age humans may live is 115 years, whereas others argue that 125 years is possible. <\/p>\n
A hundred and twenty-five years of watching Republicans and Democrats going at it? The heck with that. <\/p>\n
Living is rife with challenges, to be sure. But living a long life has its upsides. Wouldnt you want to visit your parents and other family members for a lot more years than most of us are able? Wouldnt you like to see them all at a Sunday dinner several more times than most human beings are able? <\/p>\n
Maybe with your family. My family has taken years off of my life! <\/p>\n
I see, but wouldnt it be awesome if some of our finest human beings could stick around longer? Don Rickles, one of the greatest entertainers ever, died this year at 91. How great would it be to keep him around for two more decades? <\/p>\n
True, but if Rickles were to stick around longer, that means annoying celebrities would stick around, too, and keep yapping at us every time a Republican becomes president. <\/p>\n
There are other upsides to a longer life. What if we could keep our greatest minds around longer? Where would the world be if Einstein had another 25 years to unlock the mysteries of the universe? <\/p>\n
But what if he figured out ways to extend human life even further, which would require me and the wife to have to keep coming up with new things to bicker about? Who has that kind of energy? <\/p>\n
The downsides are a fair point. As people live longer, they could overburden government programs, such as Social Security. Where would we get all the money to support them? <\/p>\n
How about we especially extend the lives of the rich so we can take them to the cleaners? <\/p>\n
And living is expensive. If you live to 125, how will you pay for your housing and food and everyday expenses? <\/p>\n
Thank goodness McDonalds is always hiring, but I for one have no desire to flip burgers at the age of 125. <\/p>\n
The costs of medical care are too high for millions now. I imagine that at 125 years of age, ones medical bills would be difficult to manage. <\/p>\n
Look, as a middle-aged guy, who is already showing signs of fatigue, here is what I know about living. Life is largely made up of colds, bills, speeding tickets and people who let you down. These experiences are connected together by a series of mundane tasks. <\/p>\n
Did anyone tell you how cheerful you can be? Go on. <\/p>\n
Well, these drudgeries are occasionally interrupted by a wonderful meal, a really good laugh with friends or a romantic evening with a lovely woman. Then the mundane stuff starts all over again. Who wants 125 years of that? <\/p>\n
A lot of people do. The human lifespan has improved significantly in the past few generations. Millions are living healthy lives beyond the age of 80 today, and, when they were younger, few of them expected to live that long. Why not live relatively good lives until 125? <\/p>\n
Because then Id really worry about my slacker son. <\/p>\n
Why? <\/p>\n
Hes 35 years old and still living at home. If we drastically extend lifespans, my wife will have to tell him: Son, youre 100 years old! When are you going to move out of the basement and get a job? <\/p>\n
Tom Purcell, author of Misadventures of a 1970s Childhood and Wicked Is the Whiskey, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com<\/a>. <\/p>\n ----------------------------- <\/p>\n LETTER: The real world often intrudes on their world <\/p>\n In Psychology the term cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds 2 or more contradictory beliefs, ideas or values. <\/p>\n Since people avoid discomfort, they either change their belief consistent with the new, usually more correct information, or fool themselves into somehow holding onto the false belief. This appears to be a condition that is more common since the election. <\/p>\n A good example is fake news, a whiny, bumper-sticker term that has become popular with Pres. Trump and the Trumpettes. When the real world intrudes on the White House and is reported by the media, Small Hand Luke and his other egg-suckers immediately respond thats just fake news. This term reliably reduces the cognitive dissonance that tortures both the President and his faithful allowing them to discount the serious dysfunction of this White House and the person who sometimes lives there. <\/p>\n Other favorites youll hear from the Golden Hair Club are the investigation into Russian influence is a nothing burger dismissing this attack on our country and our electoral process . Then there is the assault on science, dismissing global warming as impossible because we still have snow. These rationalizations and justifications serve as valuable tools for those whose tool box is sparse. <\/p>\n Steve Miller <\/p>\n Nauvoo, Ill. <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here is the original post: COLUMN: Of Moles and the Grand Theatre By Jim Wolff Grand Theatre Commission The common garden mole is the downfall of society. I know this because I live in a secluded area with acres upon acres of grass to mow and maintain. Continue reading
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