Scientists in the US have created the worlds smallest camera - the same size as a single grain of salt!<\/p>\n
Oh, how I wish that piece of equipment had been available on Tuesday when I went for a colonoscopy.<\/p>\n
Might be wrong, dear reader, but Im sure they examined my bahookie with the Hubble telescope. Two days later and Im STILL walking about like Groucho Marx<\/p>\n
Ive very grateful, though, especially at the time of a global pandemic. Listen, at a charity event I hosted last week, the top prize in the raffle was a doctors appointment.<\/p>\n
I had a wee scare with my Simon Cowells two years ago the poo test at the time of my 50th birthday revealed traces of blood and I was whisked into hospital where they removed four polyps (theres a word Ill never forget).<\/p>\n
This week, the very talented Dr Simon Dover - oh, how I wish his parents had called him Ben - zapped one tiny polyp and gave me a clean bill of health (well, notwithstanding my varicose veins and morbid obesity).<\/p>\n
And you know what? I make absolutely no apology for putting you off your breakfast by writing about the inner workings of my posterior as I simply want to remind every single Daily Record reader: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!<\/p>\n
A free bowel screening test is available to everyone in Scotland from the age of 50 and, as I learned from my little episode in 2019, it could save your life.<\/p>\n
So, at the risk of repeating myself: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!<\/p>\n
To be honest, the colonoscopy was easy-peasy. As one of my pals joked, you only have to worry if the doc says Look - no hands!<\/p>\n
Another wisecracker suggested I should lighten the mood by secreting plastic toys and Dinky cars up my bum.<\/p>\n
I also loved the patter from a couple of (ahem) well-wishers on my Instagram page.<\/p>\n
All the best, said Steve Inness, just put it behind you and, on the hole, you should be fine.<\/p>\n
And I laughed out loud when a fella called Blair Allan dubbed me The Sultan of Broon-Eye.<\/p>\n
Sure, even under anaesthetic, the procedure was a wee bit sore - reminiscent of the time I caught my willy in my zip (after that eye-watering experience, ladies, I went back to wearing shoes with laces).<\/p>\n
But if laughter really is the best medicine, I knew Id be fine when I spotted the sign above the door that read Endoscopy Procedure Area - No Unauthorised Access<\/p>\n
I hope so!!!<\/p>\n
Tell you what, though, I wasnt laughing the day before my colonoscopy when I had to clear out my system with TWO LITRES of laxative.<\/p>\n
Laugh? I was terrified to cough!<\/p>\n
My panto pal Johnny Mac - brilliant as Buttons alongside Elaine C Smith in the Kings Theatre, Glasgow, production of Cinderella - reckons that opening night is the best laxative in the world.<\/p>\n
Aye right. Hes clearly never tried the stuff they give you before a colonoscopy.<\/p>\n
Its called MoviPrep (orange flavour, allegedly) and, boy-oh-boy, it could put Slimfast out of business.<\/p>\n
My advice? Make sure youre never more than TWO FEET from a toilet pan.<\/p>\n
Anyway, wont go into too much detail (Youre too late! - Ed) but, if I can use a Christmas turkey analogy, youre good to go when the juices run clear<\/p>\n
After Dr Dover had worked his magic, I was picked up at the hospital by my wife - having gone 24 hours without food and still woozy from the anaesthetic, I was unsteadier on my feet than Celtic striker Kyogo - and, absolutely STARVING, we drove straight to one of my favourite restaurants (Little Soho in Glasgow) for a double cheeseburger & chips.<\/p>\n
I actually fancied a curry but, after two litres of MoviPrep, itll be at least another fortnight before I go anywhere near a vindaloo<\/p>\n
PS. One more time, ladies and gentlemen GET YOURSELF CHECKED!<\/p>\n
Good news for all us Coronation Street fans - the legendary Roy Cropper is making his comeback on the cobbles at Christmas.<\/p>\n
After signing everything over to his niece Nina, regular viewers feared the cafe owner was away to South America for good<\/p>\n
Nah, no chance. Hed never be able to stand the heat in that anorak<\/p>\n
Enjoyed a terrific night at the Whitehall Theatre in Dundee last Friday hosting An Evening with Harry Redknapp.<\/p>\n
The football legend and former King of the Jungle on Im A Celeb was in top form - the audience absolutely loved him - and Ill share just a couple of his great stories.<\/p>\n
After signing Paul Merson - a player with serious drugs, drink and gambling issues - he promised Harry hed get in shape and got permission to spend two weeks at Tony Adams rehabilitation clinic in Hertfordshire.<\/p>\n
A fortnight later, Merson returned to the club - with a suntan!<\/p>\n
Hed gone to Barbados for a fortnight<\/p>\n
Never one to shy away from controversy, I also asked Harry about his pet dog Rosie - as you may recall, he famously opened a Monaco bank account in her name which led police to his secret bungs.<\/p>\n
Shes no longer with us, said Harry.<\/p>\n
What happened to her? I asked.<\/p>\n
And to howls from the audience, he smiled and said: I shot her - she knew too much<\/p>\n
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starter pistol.<\/p>\n
Single malt whisky is set to triple in price next year due to the worst supply chain crisis in the industrys history.<\/p>\n
So let me get this straight - youll pay treble, but still only see double?<\/p>\n
Seems unfair, eh?<\/p>\n
PS. Staying with food & drink, heres a fascinating query I received last week: is there a chip shop in Scotland that sells SQUARE sausage suppers???<\/p>\n
We all love a sausage supper in this country - nearly as much as we love our famous square-sliced.<\/p>\n
So how come nobody (as far as Im aware) has combined the two?<\/p>\n
I reckon theres DEFINITELY a gap in the market.<\/p>\n
After forking out a small fortune on flights and accommodation, I felt really sorry for the Rangers fans who were told - at extremely short notice - they cant attend tonights Europa League tie in Lyon.<\/p>\n
Theyd already been banned from entering the city centre as the game clashes with the Festival of Light which dates back to 1643 and attracts half a million visitors to the Lyon.<\/p>\n
As a spokesman for the Rangers Supporters Association apparently said: Thats utterly ridiculous. Why are they still celebrating something that started in the 17th century?<\/p>\n
Last weeks Saturday edition of Off The Ball featured The Toilet Roll XI as our Team of the Week.<\/p>\n
For example, Tore Andrex Flo, Jurgen Plop and George Best (he was usually three sheets to the wind).<\/p>\n
But heres a cracker that arrived too late for the show - referee Willie Collum.<\/p>\n
Why? Well, hes the tube in the middle.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, when the legendary loo roll from school - the tracing paper that was Izal - got a mention, Robert in Beauly told us it was just like haggling in an Arnold Clark showroom.<\/p>\n
No matter how much you try, you hardly get anything off<\/p>\n
PS. Another subject last week was: What has Glasgow done for you?<\/p>\n
An email that dropped after the programme said: Well be forever grateful to this wonderful city.<\/p>\n
And it was signed (aye right!) by all the monks at Buckfast Abbey in Devon.<\/p>\n
PPS. On which note - and keeping it closer to your Lanarkshire correspondents neck of the woods - please tell me theres at least ONE pub in Airdrie at this time of year that sells MULLED Buckfast tonic wine?<\/p>\n
Finally got my Christmas tree up AND the washing sorted!<\/p>\n
Raider of the Lost Bark.<\/p>\n
Any reader know someone called Leon who might want these? I ordered Noel but they sent me the wrong one.<\/p>\n
Celtic legends Chris Sutton and John Hartson were thrilled to meet Oscar-winning Gandhi star Ben Kingsley.<\/p>\n
First it was elf on the shelf, now its<\/p>\n
Word of the week is testiculate: to wave ones arms around while talking bollocks.<\/p>\n
Dear Santa, all I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please dont mix it up again like last year.<\/p>\n
In this cold weather, spare a thought for all the pigs who heard they were getting blankets for Christmas.<\/p>\n
I was on a flight last week and the lunch choice was either chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately I was seated in the back row. I was hoping for the breast, but prepared for the wurst.<\/p>\n
Due to the recent cold snap, schools are advising mothers to wear TWO pairs of pyjamas while dropping the kids off in the morning.<\/p>\n
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I dont have a Ferrari.<\/p>\n
The four stages of a mans life: 1\/ you believe in Santa; 2\/ you dont believe in Santa; 3\/ you are Santa; 4\/ you look like Santa.<\/p>\n
A huge blaze totally destroyed the doctors surgery last night. Unfortunately, the fire brigade are only doing telephone appointments right now<\/p>\n
I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry last night. You f****** idiot! I shouted through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n
Really wish I hadnt taken my son to see Father Christmas yesterday - hed clearly been drinking and he stank of cigarettes. Goodness knows what Santa thought of him.<\/p>\n
Warning: if you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, dont open it! Its a link to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song...<\/p>\n
A 99-year-old woman has been revealed as Britains oldest (guess what?) learner driver!<\/p>\n
Sure enough, in every report I read there was NO mention of where exactly shes from.<\/p>\n
And so, for super safety, Id advise every single motorist in the UK to stay off the roads<\/p>\n
You know it makes sense.<\/p>\n
Don't miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond - Sign up to our daily newsletter here. <\/p>\n
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See the original post: Scientists in the US have created the worlds smallest camera - the same size as a single grain of salt! Oh, how I wish that piece of equipment had been available on Tuesday when I went for a colonoscopy. Might be wrong, dear reader, but Im sure they examined my bahookie with the Hubble telescope Continue reading
\nTam Cowan: It felt like medics used the Hubble telescope to do my colonoscopy - Daily Record<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"