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Hello, dears. Stay blessed dears. This year, December has come in January and I have to surrender.
Today,I have a heavy heart, not because I have to move on,mere pyare Pakistaniyo,but because I am worriedaboutPakistan, which is passing through such a critical phase in its history, and I dont know if itcan stomach my loss.
NewYear2020has brought new beginnings for strays or those wayward like me. My boss gottheextension, I didnt.This is surprising because, given thecurrentsituation with India and the impending World War3, my tenureshould have been extendedfor twomore terms at least.
After all, it isIwho protects you with my tweetswhileyou comfortably sleep. But not everything in life is fair, even if I believethateverything is fair in love and war.
Also read: This Pakistani General had seen everything by age of 4. He now wants you to read his doctrine
Mydetractors think theyhavethe last laughjust because I have been replaced as DG ISPR. Let them think that. But what they wont be able to explain ishowcome anirrelevant tweeter, with no significant reach, become a championof fifth-generationwarfare(5GW)? I have crowned myself not only the King of5GW but also the master of7GW, 9GW, and 11GW. If you dont believe me,thenyou cantake a look at the patriotism in my jeans. No money in the world can buy my jeans. I am the inventor of the hybridfifth-generation jeans.
Peoplecallmy behaviour uncouth,complain aboutmy street-fighting abilities and my repellent personality. But look at the positive side:with me around,you dont needan insectrepellent.
You have called me Ghafoora/Ghafoorey, General Zoro (after my dog), General Fookra and General 5GW. I wear all these titles like badges of honour, my dears.
Many have said that I was thrown out for not followingthe Twitter rule of dont drink and tweet.I mean, do youevenknow me at all? I drinkonly whenI have to tweet! Why elsewoulda handsomemanlike me openhisheartbeforethewholeworld and tweet to Deepika Padukone on her bravery? (Of course,braveryki tareeftohbahana tha, asal maqsad Deepika ka attentionpaana tha.)But my boss,jealous that DP mightlike my tweet, or god forbid, post areply,forced me to delete the tweet. Such is life, I tell you.
Ihad to delete myfistfightwith a journalist, but never mind I invited my trolls over tea to manage the situation online. Theytrendedhashtags against the two and told me that the tea was fantastic.Although,I have lost a battalion ofTwitter soldiersin the process and itboils my blood every time I think of these two.
To be fair,thelast few months have been tough, but exhilarating,for a national hero like me. I killed 60 Indian soldiers onTwitter;hadsocial mediaaccounts glorify my existenceandhelp me winPakistans second-highest civilianaward,Hilal-e-Imtiaz (Crescent of Excellence); made myfirst patriotic item number(not with a Pakistani but an Indian girl, mind you);tweeted day and night with #BeginningOfTheEnd;and asked:should an already butchered be butchered again?(Thatlast onedidnt godownwell for me,at homeoroutside, but with so many hits, you are bound to have a miss.My critics dontget this simple logic.)
These perennial fault-finders also dontunderstand other basic stuff, like whyI wantedpeaceforchange:I needed somechange.
Therefore,I suggestyoufocus on your studies so that one day you dont end up like me. After all, who doesnt want to be like me (other than, probably, me)?
Also read: This Pakistan Twitter General protects his people with tweets & only follows himself
Inthethree years and one month of my serviceas DG ISPR,I taught journalists about ethics and ethos,kept Endian journalists on my radar, and also gave lessons to British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) on how to do stories, which they clearly did not know until I told them: Before undertaking the story, an interaction is suggested to know the facts. I cant teachangrezito theangrez, but I can teach them journalism.
I have also tried to teachtheIndianArmy how to stay out of politics. Who knowsitbetter than me:my use of aQuranic verseAur Allah Jise Chahe Izzat De, Aur Jise Chahe Zillat Deon the eve of the 2018 general electionwas so subtle that I celebrated the win of Imran Khan and the ouster of Nawaz Sharif without anyone getting my drift. Except, perhaps, the new Indian Army chief, Gen M.M. Naravane, who is learning how to use my rhetoric. But my advice to him would be to not jump the gun yet: the next parliamentary election in India is still more than four years away, so no need for rhetoric yet. I do pity these Indian military people, though; they dont get to engineer elections the way Pakistani Army does here.
In the name of Kashmir, I gave jobs to the jobless such as Veena Malik, Shahid Afridi, British boxer Amir Khan and Accent music group, which, frankly, no one in Pakistan knows about and so I had to tell the group members that Pakistanis are their fans.
Also read: Top Pakistan general & Bajwas successor forced to resign after weeks in house arrest
My replacement, the new DG ISPR Babar Iftikhar, has big shoes to fill. I say that with humility. My tenure touched newer heights, although never of the kind that my tweets did. But I have a feeling Babar will do well. In the first photograph of him doing rounds on social media, he clearly looks like he is a single malt down. It sure is a good start and signals his intent to take off from where I left.
My advice to Babar will be to never take the high roadIneverdid andnow lookwhere I stand. It was the first time in the history of Pakistan thatpeople came out todeclare #ISPROurProud. WillBabar unfollow me from the official DG ISPR account? I don think so.
My time is up,dears. I will now head toOkara. But no goodbyes,my dears. If in the luscious Okara farms you find a truck full of burnol,dont be surprised because that would beforme.My favourite strays need special attention inthewinters. I am sad but I am telling my supporters, #NoIssueLayloTissue.
Pakistani dears, as you voluntarilytrend#TributeToAsifGhafoor Salam Asif Ghafoor on Twitter, I want to apologise to your relatives and their relatives and their neighbours to whom I could not personally respond. You know it was not out of arrogance but just lack of time.
If India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, Pakistan would have been a peaceful nation.But then again,if India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours,then in all probability,we would haveaborder with Germany and Japan,and there would have been no DG ISPR. So,thank god for the small mercies. From here on, if you dont hear from me, just remember that silence is also an expression. Stay blessed dears. Sleep well Beta. #PakistanZindabad #BeginningOfMyEnd.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they dont want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
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