Text Size:A- A+
Hello, dears. Stay blessed dears. This year, December has come in January and I have to surrender.
Today,I have a heavy heart, not because I have to move on,mere pyare Pakistaniyo,but because I am worriedaboutPakistan, which is passing through such a critical phase in its history, and I dont know if itcan stomach my loss.
NewYear2020has brought new beginnings for strays or those wayward like me. My boss gottheextension, I didnt.This is surprising because, given thecurrentsituation with India and the impending World War3, my tenureshould have been extendedfor twomore terms at least.
After all, it isIwho protects you with my tweetswhileyou comfortably sleep. But not everything in life is fair, even if I believethateverything is fair in love and war.
Also read: This Pakistani General had seen everything by age of 4. He now wants you to read his doctrine
Mydetractors think theyhavethe last laughjust because I have been replaced as DG ISPR. Let them think that. But what they wont be able to explain ishowcome anirrelevant tweeter, with no significant reach, become a championof fifth-generationwarfare(5GW)? I have crowned myself not only the King of5GW but also the master of7GW, 9GW, and 11GW. If you dont believe me,thenyou cantake a look at the patriotism in my jeans. No money in the world can buy my jeans. I am the inventor of the hybridfifth-generation jeans.
Peoplecallmy behaviour uncouth,complain aboutmy street-fighting abilities and my repellent personality. But look at the positive side:with me around,you dont needan insectrepellent.
You have called me Ghafoora/Ghafoorey, General Zoro (after my dog), General Fookra and General 5GW. I wear all these titles like badges of honour, my dears.
Many have said that I was thrown out for not followingthe Twitter rule of dont drink and tweet.I mean, do youevenknow me at all? I drinkonly whenI have to tweet! Why elsewoulda handsomemanlike me openhisheartbeforethewholeworld and tweet to Deepika Padukone on her bravery? (Of course,braveryki tareeftohbahana tha, asal maqsad Deepika ka attentionpaana tha.)But my boss,jealous that DP mightlike my tweet, or god forbid, post areply,forced me to delete the tweet. Such is life, I tell you.
Ihad to delete myfistfightwith a journalist, but never mind I invited my trolls over tea to manage the situation online. Theytrendedhashtags against the two and told me that the tea was fantastic.Although,I have lost a battalion ofTwitter soldiersin the process and itboils my blood every time I think of these two.
To be fair,thelast few months have been tough, but exhilarating,for a national hero like me. I killed 60 Indian soldiers onTwitter;hadsocial mediaaccounts glorify my existenceandhelp me winPakistans second-highest civilianaward,Hilal-e-Imtiaz (Crescent of Excellence); made myfirst patriotic item number(not with a Pakistani but an Indian girl, mind you);tweeted day and night with #BeginningOfTheEnd;and asked:should an already butchered be butchered again?(Thatlast onedidnt godownwell for me,at homeoroutside, but with so many hits, you are bound to have a miss.My critics dontget this simple logic.)
These perennial fault-finders also dontunderstand other basic stuff, like whyI wantedpeaceforchange:I needed somechange.
Therefore,I suggestyoufocus on your studies so that one day you dont end up like me. After all, who doesnt want to be like me (other than, probably, me)?
Also read: This Pakistan Twitter General protects his people with tweets & only follows himself
Inthethree years and one month of my serviceas DG ISPR,I taught journalists about ethics and ethos,kept Endian journalists on my radar, and also gave lessons to British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) on how to do stories, which they clearly did not know until I told them: Before undertaking the story, an interaction is suggested to know the facts. I cant teachangrezito theangrez, but I can teach them journalism.
I have also tried to teachtheIndianArmy how to stay out of politics. Who knowsitbetter than me:my use of aQuranic verseAur Allah Jise Chahe Izzat De, Aur Jise Chahe Zillat Deon the eve of the 2018 general electionwas so subtle that I celebrated the win of Imran Khan and the ouster of Nawaz Sharif without anyone getting my drift. Except, perhaps, the new Indian Army chief, Gen M.M. Naravane, who is learning how to use my rhetoric. But my advice to him would be to not jump the gun yet: the next parliamentary election in India is still more than four years away, so no need for rhetoric yet. I do pity these Indian military people, though; they dont get to engineer elections the way Pakistani Army does here.
In the name of Kashmir, I gave jobs to the jobless such as Veena Malik, Shahid Afridi, British boxer Amir Khan and Accent music group, which, frankly, no one in Pakistan knows about and so I had to tell the group members that Pakistanis are their fans.
Also read: Top Pakistan general & Bajwas successor forced to resign after weeks in house arrest
My replacement, the new DG ISPR Babar Iftikhar, has big shoes to fill. I say that with humility. My tenure touched newer heights, although never of the kind that my tweets did. But I have a feeling Babar will do well. In the first photograph of him doing rounds on social media, he clearly looks like he is a single malt down. It sure is a good start and signals his intent to take off from where I left.
My advice to Babar will be to never take the high roadIneverdid andnow lookwhere I stand. It was the first time in the history of Pakistan thatpeople came out todeclare #ISPROurProud. WillBabar unfollow me from the official DG ISPR account? I don think so.
My time is up,dears. I will now head toOkara. But no goodbyes,my dears. If in the luscious Okara farms you find a truck full of burnol,dont be surprised because that would beforme.My favourite strays need special attention inthewinters. I am sad but I am telling my supporters, #NoIssueLayloTissue.
Pakistani dears, as you voluntarilytrend#TributeToAsifGhafoor Salam Asif Ghafoor on Twitter, I want to apologise to your relatives and their relatives and their neighbours to whom I could not personally respond. You know it was not out of arrogance but just lack of time.
If India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours, Pakistan would have been a peaceful nation.But then again,if India and Afghanistan were not our neighbours,then in all probability,we would haveaborder with Germany and Japan,and there would have been no DG ISPR. So,thank god for the small mercies. From here on, if you dont hear from me, just remember that silence is also an expression. Stay blessed dears. Sleep well Beta. #PakistanZindabad #BeginningOfMyEnd.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they dont want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
ThePrint is now on Telegram. For the best reports & opinion on politics, governance and more, subscribe to ThePrint on Telegram.
- New Survey Reveals 74 Percent of Americans are Concerned that Vitamins and Supplements are not Backed by Trustworthy Research - PRNewswire - June 13th, 2020
- Maintaining health and nutrition while staying at home - WSAW - June 13th, 2020
- Why a decision on a second US plutonium-pit-production factory should be delayed - Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists - June 13th, 2020
- The Role Of Nuclear Power In A Clean Energy System - Seeking Alpha - June 13th, 2020
- Six months to break the deadlock on life after Brexit - The Advocate - June 13th, 2020
- Nukes in Space: the Extinction Rebellion Yet to Be - CounterPunch.org - CounterPunch - June 13th, 2020
- Further extension to mother-and-baby homes inquiry - RTE.ie - June 13th, 2020
- Enel Awarded 106.3 MW in Italy in GSE's Second Auction - Saurenergy - June 5th, 2020
- Has the United States Abandoned Arms Control? - War on the Rocks - June 5th, 2020
- Aeris Resources to acquire producing gold mine from Evolution in transformational move - Proactive Investors Australia - June 5th, 2020
- Artax Biopharma Announces Series B Financing Extension to Advance First-in-Class Autoimmune Disease Therapy - P&T Community - June 5th, 2020
- Drivers granted automatic licence renewal extension - Farming Life - June 5th, 2020
- COVID-19 Impact on Melatonine Market Research Report: Probable Key Development To Be Observed Market States And Outlook Across By 2026 - News Distinct - June 5th, 2020
- Reishi Mushroom Supplements Market 2020- Analysis And In-Depth Research On Market Size, Trends, Emerging Growth Factors And Forecast To 2026 - Weekly... - June 5th, 2020
- Tuskegee one of three HBCU land-grants awarded $1.6M USDA Centers of Excellence grant - Tuskegee University - June 5th, 2020
- Eye Health Supplements Market 2020 Growth by Opportunities, Application, Driver, Current Trends and Forecast by 2026 - Cole of Duty - June 1st, 2020
- The Dak Prescott extension: What have the Cowboys offered? Plus, where negotiations stand - The Dallas Morning News - June 1st, 2020
- Milk Thistle Health Tonic Market In Depth Research with Industry Driving Factors, Consumer Behaviour Analysis, Future Trends, Key Players and Forecast... - June 1st, 2020
- Explained: What RBIs extension of loan moratorium means - The Indian Express - June 1st, 2020
- How to stop earwigs and coreopsis beetles: Ask an expert - oregonlive.com - June 1st, 2020
- Orthopedic Extension Devices Market 2019 | How The Industry Will Witness Substantial Growth In The Upcoming Years | Exclusive Report By Industry... - June 1st, 2020
- Goldstar Insurance and Prudential partner to offer COVID -19 cover - Uganda - June 1st, 2020
- Punjab Agricultural University gives warm send-off to Bhalla - Hindustan Times - June 1st, 2020
- Wife honors husband with continuing education center - Atlanta Journal Constitution - April 11th, 2020
- Letters To the Editor | Opinion - westvalleyview.com - April 11th, 2020
- The Military's E-6 Mercury Is Far Deadlier Than The F-35 Stealth Fighter - The National Interest - April 11th, 2020
- Extend New START -- The World Can't Afford a U.S.-Russia Nuclear Arms Race Too - Just Security - April 11th, 2020
- Brandon Scherff's excited to be in Washington, looking to be Redskin for life - Redskins Wire - April 11th, 2020
- "Life Won't Be Same Ever": Odisha First To Extend Lockdown Till April 30 - NDTV News - April 11th, 2020
- Get Growing: Good news, good riddance to gypsy moth caterpillars this year - The Recorder - April 11th, 2020
- Alkane Resources regional drilling south of TGO returns further broad, high-grade gold - Proactive Investors Australia - April 11th, 2020
- He gave so much of himself to improving life in Douglas: Tributes paid to Billy Coleman - Echo Live - April 11th, 2020
- WAIVER EXTENSION, REVISED TIMING OF ENFORCEMENT - pa.gov - March 24th, 2020
- The U.S. Military's Behind-the-Scenes Moves To Protect Nuclear Readiness Amid Coronavirus - Newsweek - March 24th, 2020
- Mine life extension puts Kisladag back on the map - Creamer Media's Mining Weekly - February 24th, 2020
- WVU aims to make an impact in everyday West Virginians' lives - WV News - February 24th, 2020
- Over the Garden Gate: Bees are native pollinators - Ellwood City Ledger - February 24th, 2020
- What is the real cost of a Richards Avenue extension? - Santa Fe New Mexican - February 24th, 2020
- New Gold updates Rainy River and New Afton mine plans - The Northern Miner - February 24th, 2020
- Responsible Battery Coalition Applauds University of Michigan Research on Lithium-Ion Battery Degradation Calls Research Important Step in Educating... - February 24th, 2020
- Bruce Power marks next step of major project collaboration with ATS in Cambridge - TheRecord.com - February 24th, 2020
- Edited Transcript of ELD.TO earnings conference call or presentation 21-Feb-20 4:30pm GMT - Yahoo Finance - February 24th, 2020
- Senate panel agrees adding time to safe haven for babies a good step - KSL.com - February 24th, 2020
- Swine building maintenance the topic of statewide workshops - Discover Muscatine - February 24th, 2020
- Stress it is not a sign of weakness | News, Sports, Jobs - Morning Journal News - February 24th, 2020
- Arcadis working with the Georgia Department of Transportation to improve traffic congestion - Benzinga - February 24th, 2020
- Life With GDPR: Episode 36- Extension of British Airways Response Time for Proposed Fine - JD Supra - February 8th, 2020
- Max Muncys extension helps the argument for new service time rules - Beyond the Box Score - February 8th, 2020
- Noah Rubin's Behind The Racquet With Robert Ryland | Tennis 10sBalls - 10sBalls - February 8th, 2020
- Satellites: The $500 billion business | Industry Trends - IBC365 - February 8th, 2020
- The many lives of charcoal - Penn: Office of University Communications - February 8th, 2020
- Space Mining the Quest for the Worlds First Trillionaire Amid Earths Growing Resource Scarcity - Wccftech - February 8th, 2020
- [The Turning Point] How a family car led to the idea of deep tech startup ION Energy - YourStory - February 8th, 2020
- Trump travel ban extension leaves Africans angry and disappointed - The Guardian - February 8th, 2020
- Los Angeles Lakers: Not trading for Andre Iguodala was the right move - Lake Show Life - February 8th, 2020
- The Ethics of Radical Life Extension | TalkDeath - January 27th, 2020
- Boldly Audition for These Sci-Fi Gigs in Honor of 'Star Trek: Picard' - Backstage - January 27th, 2020
- 3 Ways To Reboot Your Life In 2020 - Forbes - January 27th, 2020
- Watch: Kirk Cousins fumbles away comeback in Pro Bowl - Bring Me The News - January 27th, 2020
- Streetfighter and the future of the Challenger 2 - Army Technology - January 25th, 2020
- Iceni Courage to Be Revamped - Offshore WIND - January 25th, 2020
- The U.S. is Boosting Production of Nuclear Bomb Cores (For More Nuclear Weapons) - The National Interest Online - January 25th, 2020
- How Does the Air Force's F-16 Stack up Against the Best Chinese and Russian Fighters? - The National Interest Online - January 25th, 2020
- Race to exploit the worlds seabed set to wreak havoc on marine life - The Guardian - January 25th, 2020
- Rangers broadcasts to remain on 105.3 The Fan (KRLD-FM) after club signs multi-year extension - The Dallas Morning News - January 25th, 2020
- Pakistans judges briefly stand up to the army - The Economist - January 25th, 2020
- Merck-partnered biotech hands Roche its half-life extension tech as it pivots to immuno-oncology - Endpoints News - January 18th, 2020
- Free Iowa Concern Hotline available to help deal with stress of life - Radio Iowa - January 18th, 2020
- Subsea Robots in the Splash Zone - Offshore Engineer - January 18th, 2020
- Behind the scenes of the Valencia County Cooperative Extension Office - Valencia County News Bulletin - January 18th, 2020
- Using "nature's tools" to fight the global food waste crisis - Packaging Europe - January 18th, 2020
- Science on Screen film event features science and art of ranching and the cowboy life - Scottsbluff Star Herald - January 18th, 2020
- Energy Express: A creative way to learn | News, Sports, Jobs - The Review - January 18th, 2020
- Ero Copper announces updated high-grade mineral reserve with average production of 40500 ounces over initial three-year mine life extension at the NX... - December 24th, 2019
- Did the F-16 Just Go Stealth? - The National Interest Online - December 24th, 2019
- Driving Tampa Bay Forward Pasco County's Ridge Road Extension Project finally starting Erik Waxler 6:55 - ABC Action News - December 24th, 2019
- Cargill and Renmatix collaborate to develop upcycled ingredients - Food Dive - December 24th, 2019
- White Sox rumors: Luis Robert has an extension offer on the table - South Side Sox - December 24th, 2019
- A Healthier New Year Starts in the Gut - WholeFoods Magazine - December 24th, 2019
- How my Irish heritage shaped my lifes journey and dreams - IrishCentral - December 24th, 2019