OPINION: Time applies a gloss-coat to the past, but I wonder how many great historical moments would fare in a modern light?<\/p>\n
Wheels banned<\/p>\n
Primitive Cave Town Council has cancelled the trial of the new \"wheel\"invention after a pedestrian was run over and injured yesterday, the Eurasian Times reports from 40,000BC.<\/p>\n
SUPPLIED<\/p>\n
Sir Edmund Hillary was typically understated about his Everest triumph, but imagine if he had modern gear and sponsorship.<\/p>\n
\"We've only just learnt to walk upright,\" said Mayor Lee-Ann Der Thal. \"Now we've got these speeding projectiles to contend with.\"<\/p>\n
Manufacturer Sub-Lime Scooters has fixed circular-disk stones or 'wheels' in their tech-speak at either end of a chunk of wood. The device is much faster than the previous 'square-wheeled' version that failed to excite the travelling public.<\/p>\n
\"The problem is these new wheels are too quick,\" said Lee-Ann. \"They clip along at a pace awkwardly between knuckle-dragging and blind-panic running, which catches bipeds unawares.<\/p>\n
\"I'm not against progress this isn't the Dark Ages but we've not seen this sort of unease since the last sabre-toothed tiger was euthanased.\"<\/p>\n
The collision victim is said to be stable after his wound was cauterised by burning torch and anointed with bat dung.<\/p>\n
Post-modern angst<\/p>\n
The Easter Rebellion has been postponed indefinitely until Irish radicals locate a Chief Post Office to occupy as an affront to the figurehead of Government authority.<\/p>\n
\"It was there a wee while back,\" said an exasperated commander. \"Now it's just a PostBank. Sure, the teller was apologetic, so she was. Says she to me, 'They're separate commercial entities'.\"<\/p>\n
\"Says I to her, 'Catch yourself on, Missus. We're here to throw off the yoke of colonial oppression and we can't find the yoke!'<\/p>\n
\"Lovely woman. Nothing personal.\"<\/p>\n
The commander said insurgents had been dispatched to locate the postal facilities based on gossip that they are now hidden behind rows of magazines, books and stationery.<\/p>\n
\"Ach sure, I thought at this time of year we could just follow queues of people with parcels under their arms, but no chance.<\/p>\n
\"It may take some time because the 'agencies' as they call them they move around. I tink the Brits have got wind that we're plannin' somethin'.<\/p>\n
\"Sorry about leavin' you all under the yoke of colonial oppression for a wee bit longer. Our fellas are desperate for martyrdom too, so we're all hurtin'.\"<\/p>\n
Everest brought to you by...<\/p>\n
Climbers Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay returned to Base Camp today after their epic summiting of Mt Everest. With typical no-nonsense candour, the rangy New Zealander announced their feat in words that will echo through history:<\/p>\n
\"Aw mate, this Active Shell puffy with Power Duck Down Hyperdry Primaloft worked a treat. The Kinetic Proflex contouring in the Cross-Core Technology kept us toasty.<\/p>\n
\"I'm a bit Hydrophobic, but the Dynamic Venting in the Twin Compression System really performed. And with CleanSport NXT, no odour worries.<\/p>\n
\"Tenzing's ESS Stability Shank footwear wrapped in Vibram Ortholite with the Falcon-grip Fluxring was more than a match for the rock chimney. I've ditched my steel-capped apiary boots for a pair of Geodesic Tungsten Bluetooth enabled beauties, with Optimiser Select Grip soles and GEOS Emergency Response beacons in the heels.<\/p>\n
\"Nothing against Ultra Train DWF Finish, or Pertex Quantum inners with Sunsaver PowerFlex, but the Integrated Jetboil was a deal-maker for me.<\/p>\n
\"Tenzing's a stickler for PolarTech Powergrid and Carbon Core Guard Structure, but there's no topping boots you can make a cuppa in after we knocked the bugger off. Call me sentimental, but nothing tastes as good as climbing-boot tea strained through Alpha Nitro socks with Thinsulate Hypercore.\"<\/p>\n
Up the Creek<\/p>\n
English explorer John Hanning Speke has resumed his search for the source of the Nile after a fruitless detour to Nelson, New Zealand.<\/p>\n
\"Dashed inconvenient. I typed 'Nile beginnings' into the SatNav and it led me here,\" said the ex-Army officer, standing on the corner of Rutherford and Nile.<\/p>\n
\"It didn't look terribly African on the Google Earth streetview, in hindsight. I mean, it's a charming historic precinct, don't get me wrong, but it's not what I'm searching for.<\/p>\n
\"Such is exploring, eh. Take it on the whatsit. Only another 862 results to go.\"<\/p>\n
Manger campers under fire<\/p>\n
Authorities have pledged to tighten up shambolic freedom camping bylaws after the latest environmental outrage.<\/p>\n
\"We can turn a blind eye to toileting in the bushes and turning central city carparks into squatter camps, but it's gone too far,\" said a Bethlehem Shire Council spokesperson.<\/p>\n
\"There's been reports on social media of a baby born to travellers overnighting in a manger, for pity's sake. When the news spread via celestial noticeboards, other travellers converged on the makeshift campsite.<\/p>\n
\"You can't tell me they don't have the money to pay for legitimate campgrounds,\" said the spokesperson. \"From what I hear they've got the gold and frankincense and myrrh besides.\"<\/p>\n
Complaints of no room at nearby inns were \"self-serving piffle\", he added.<\/p>\n
The Council will apply for Government funding to build new manger infrastructure at tourism hotspots.<\/p>\n
Season's greetings<\/p>\n
Merry Christmas all. It's been a year of devastating lows, from the mosque massacre to White Island, but for the next few months we have permission to switch off and soothe our psyches. Nature remains a great healer when not thrashing us.<\/p>\n
Best wishes for 2020. (Who'd have thought we'd clock up that date?)<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
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Read more here: <\/p>\n
History never repeats when you apply modern perspectives - Stuff.co.nz<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" OPINION: Time applies a gloss-coat to the past, but I wonder how many great historical moments would fare in a modern light? Wheels banned Primitive Cave Town Council has cancelled the trial of the new \"wheel\"invention after a pedestrian was run over and injured yesterday, the Eurasian Times reports from 40,000BC Continue reading