HOUSTONAfter an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars. <\/p>\n
Shirtless and oiled-up for their appearance before the press, former Air Force captain Stephen Dunhill and Malibu, CA lifeguard Blake Brawner were introduced by officials who said the two tanned studs had completed an Astronaut Corps training program that pushed them to their mental, physical, and carnal limits. NASA confirmed that the two mouthwatering male specimens possessed both the courage and the raw, insatiable lust needed to complete the landmark mission.<\/p>\n
For centuries, humanity has gazed up at the bright red planet in the night sky and dreamed of putting a man on a man on Mars, said NASA acting administrator Robert Lightfoot Jr., explaining that the agency was confident the two hard-bodied astronauts could endure the harsh conditions and constant thrusting the six-year roundtrip mission will require. As they explore the planet and each others chiseled bodies during this mission, these two slabs of prime beefcake will advance our understanding of the universe and bring us one step closer to the day when humans build a civilization on another planet and then fuck each other hard.<\/p>\n
These brave, horny muscleboys will be true pioneers, Lightfoot added.<\/p>\n
Having received more than 800 rsums and modeling portfolios, officials said they invited the 25 hunkiest applicants to the Johnson Space Center for medical exams to confirm they met stringent requirements for height, weight, visual acuity, testosterone levels, and pectoral circumference. Those candidates certified as sufficiently Adonis-like and hungry for cock then reportedly participated in a flight simulation inside a replica of NASAs new Penetrator spacecraft, which has been built for the man-on-man missions planned launch in 2020.<\/p>\n
According to sources, the prospective astronauts underwent grueling tests in which they were observed as they piloted the model spacecraft, maneuvered through the cramped cabin to check instrument panels while executing seamless reach-arounds, responded to simulated emergency scenarios, and negotiated the delicate entry into Mars atmosphere while having their testicles played with.<\/p>\n
NASA representatives noted that candidates were also strapped to a gyroscope in the 69 position to evaluate their ability to simultaneously perform and receive oral sex while spinning rapidly along multiple axes.<\/p>\n
Throughout the journey, from launch to landing, well be following the Penetrators progress along its charted course and monitoring the crews vital signs, including their libido level and recovery time between spectacular climaxes, said Lightfoot, adding that Mission Control will know immediately if, for example, the mens advanced blowjob techniques do not function as anticipated in a zero-gravity environment. Once on Mars, the astronauts will set up their habitation module and fix any mechanical issues with its oxygen generator, fuck swing, or water purifier.<\/p>\n
The acting head of NASA went on to detail other preparations for the mission, such as making sure the ships payload contained adequate supplies of the calorie-rich foods formulated to quickly re-energize the men after each round of vigorous mind-blowing sex. On the planets surface, the astronauts will reportedly conduct scientific tests, collect soil samples, and, once they are sealed safely back inside the airlock, rip each others spacesuits off so they can immediately resume sucking and fucking.<\/p>\n
Lightfoot praised the two luscious pieces of top-shelf manflesh who stood beside him at the press conference, observing that Dunhill, a decorated pilot, skilled engineer, and fellatio expert with steely blue eyes and six-pack abs, and Brawner, a part-time personal trainer with a chiseled jawline and a 10-inch penis, passed the training program with flying colors.<\/p>\n
Soon mankind will embark upon a new frontier, one that many of us have waited for our whole lives, Lightfoot said. For those of you who want to follow the progress of our astronauts during their historic journey, please note that a continuous POV live feed will be available on NASAs website. <\/p>\n
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NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars - The Onion (satire)<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" HOUSTONAfter an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars. Continue reading