Childfree Woman Wants To Divorce Husband Over Wanting … – Romper

Is there some weird new guy code about dating that says you should just...never bring up the fact that you have kids? A dad went viral on Reddits popular Am I The A**hole? community earlier this year for refusing to tell his dates he had children until at least a year into being together. Well if you thought that was bad, a new post is taking AITA by storm, in which one woman says her husband of approximately one year is just now telling her he has two kids, and that he suddenly wants custody of them. Now, she considering getting divorced.

In the Reddit post, the 27-year-old woman explains that she has been married to her 33-year-old husband for roughly a year. She describes herself as vehemently childfree, saying she has been sterilized and made it very clear she has no interest in bearing or caring for any children. Fair enough, maam! All was seemingly well until her husband surprised her with some news: hes actually a father of two, a 10-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter. And now, he wants to file for 50/50 custody of the kids.

The idea to fight for custody came about because the couple shares a bank account for bills, but keeps separate savings and fun money accounts. He pays regular child support, however, it dips into his fun money and he wants to be able to have fun like I am, she writes. The poster describes herself as having amazing pay for very few working hours as a honeymoon planner. Her husband works 12- and 16-hour shifts as a nurse, so she expects to be the one caring for the children should he actually be granted custody. She said she wants a divorce. He says shes an a**hole for not helping him save money. And Reddit has no mercy on him.

The comments on this post make one thing clear: no one thinks this dude is even a halfway decent dad.

He only wants 50/50 custody of his own children because itll reduce his child support and give him some fun money. Hes a f*cking loser, says one. How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out? Or has he just been paying the child support and not actually developing any kind of relationship with them? And now he wants 50-50 custody, its ridiculous, adds another. (One person replied to this by saying, Easy. He didnt. This guy is a sad excuse for a father.)

There are also plenty of comments in support of the poster, with more than one saying the dad in this equation was just looking for a sugar mama all along. Dont you love being pressured to step up and take someone elses responsibility? jokes one commenter. Your husband lied to you and probably married you with the intention of saddling you with his children. Get out of this marriage whether or not he fights for custody. He is a liar and a manipulator, and your entire marriage is built on sand, says another. Harsh, but this seems to be the consensus.

Whether the poster goes through with the divorce because her husband lied, doesnt care about her wish to be child-free, ignored his own children for years, or just wants them now for selfish reasons, Redditors agree: its time to throw the whole man in the trash.

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Childfree Woman Wants To Divorce Husband Over Wanting ... - Romper

More women are saying no to motherhood more than ever – WXYZ 7 Action News Detroit

BERKLEY, Mich. (WXYZ) More women are saying no to motherhood than ever before. The most recent census numbers show nearly one in six Americans 55 and older are without children- additional research shows more than a 1/4 of Michigan adults are saying no to kids as a conscious choice.

Despite the growing demographic, child-free women say they constantly get stigmatized as selfish or as someone that hates kids and the judgment has impacted their healthcare.

For Berkley's Tara Heitz, this is the picture-perfect family: one loving husband, three rambunctious rescue dogs, and exactly zero children.

I didnt know it was possible growing up that you could choose not to have kids, said Tara Heitz.

Tara did play house as a little girl but never wanted to play mom.

I dont remember ever really wanting to hold babies, but I liked other kids, so I just figured Id grow out of it, said Heitz.

She never really did- and when she met her now-husband who felt the same, her dream family would finally begin to take shape.

WXYZs Ameera David asked, Did you face some pushback?

I faced pushback from the oddest places, said Heitz.

Shockingly from health professionals- one incident in 2012 when Tara sought out a doctor to address her thyroid disorder.

His response to me was, well, if you would stop trying to be such a career woman and stay home and have some babies you wouldnt feel like this, said Heitz.

When looking for birth control- another battle. Womens doctors she says refused to prescribe medications she wanted because of their potential impact on fertility.

I went through 3 or 4 OBGYNs before finding someone who would listen to me, said Heitz.

It sounds to me like you werent believed, how did that feel? asked David.

At all. Youre standing there, whos just met me telling me you know better than I do what I want with my life after a two min conversation, its infuriating, said Heitz.

I remember hearing about an IUD, so I went in to request it and they told me no, and said well why? Well because you haven't had children, said Kim Bode.

Kim Bode, child-free on the west side of the state spent her 30s facing the same stigma-driven headwinds.

I just think people fear what they dont understand, said Bode. Motherhood and being a female, apparently they have to go hand and hand.

But that strong link between womanhood and motherhood is withering - a 2021 MSU study shows one in four Michigan adults dont want kids.

I realized that not only were the numbers growing around the world but that there were other women in exactly the same place looking for someone to talk to, said Karen Malone Wright.

Karen Malone Wright is the founder of thenotmom.com, a supportive space where women without kids - by chance or choice- can tap into community. Shes long tracked the growing trend of childfree women.

The number one reason that people give when asked by surveyors is I just dont want to, said Malone Wright.

For Tara and Kim, career commitment was a driving factor- but so was the desire to contribute in other ways - through volunteerism, by being a rescue dog mom, with ten pups between them, and by staying engaged as an aunt to their siblings' kids.

I have nieces and nephews that I adore, by being best aunt, said Heitz.

Do you feel any less happy for choosing not to have kids? asked David.

Absolutely not. I love my life, I love my dogs, my husband is fantastic, said Bode.

I think my message would be you can live a full life without it. You can still have a family; it just might look a little different than other people's.

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More women are saying no to motherhood more than ever - WXYZ 7 Action News Detroit

Childfree by Choice, Regretting Parenthood and the Taboo of Freedom – KQED

It is not exclusive to Saudi Arabia, of course, but patriarchy in Saudi Arabia is especially sharp. I made a vow to myself soon after we moved to Saudi Arabia that I would never allow myself to be in a situation I couldn't walk away from. I felt like I had been sentenced to prison in Saudi Arabia as a teenage girl. And part of that vow to myself was not to get married and not to have children.

Jill, you authored a May 11 essay titled "The Things We Don't Discuss," which asked the question, "Why does the very concept of parental regret engender such outrage?" Can you tell us about the vitriol and backlash that you faced?

Jill Filipovic: The one aspect of parenthood generally, but motherhood specifically, that seems to remain entirely taboo is maternal or paternal regret not in the sense of, "Oh, I hate my kids and wish they never existed," but just opening up about the ways in which mothers may look at a parallel un-lived life in which they didn't have kids, or had kids later, or had fewer kids and think maybe it looks nicer over there.

And it was an immediate avalanche of overwhelming outrage. You know, essentially people saying that if parents and mothers in particular do regret having children or regret some aspect of parenthood, they're essentially monsters who should keep their mouths shut.

And it was so striking that the conversation about a taboo resulted in this very strong and very angry social enforcement of that taboo. I had many, many women sending me private messages and emails saying, "I wish that there was a space for women to share the complicated feelings around parenthood."

There is this pressure to explain why you may not want children, but rarely are people asked to justify why they do want children.

Mona Eltahawy: This is Pride Month and I identify as queer. And this is kind of like when someone straight asked someone who's queer, how did you know you're queer? Well, how did you know you were straight? Because the assumption is always in one direction that the power goes in one direction and never in the other.

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Childfree by Choice, Regretting Parenthood and the Taboo of Freedom - KQED

Agawam High School teacher realizes dream of publishing books – Reminder Publications

AGAWAM After serving as an English teacher for 22 years, 18 of which were at Agawam High School, Kelly Hawkins decided it was time to carry out her dream of becoming an author.

In 2020, after the pandemic hit, Hawkins took a leave of absence as she was the sole caretaker for her parents. In the meantime, she began exploring other avenues, including some freelance work at the Hark Journal. Hark Journal, as described by Hawkins is, a free daily email subscription that provides ghost written posts using William Shakespeare.

This was right up my alley, said Hawkins.

In Dec. 2020, she received an opportunity to begin her first book called 50 Things to Know about Being a High School English Teacher A Guide from a Teacher. Hawkins designed this book to draw on her years of experience in the classroom, offering advice and suggestions on how to successfully manage the myriad roles educators are expected to play, and navigating the ups and downs of teaching.

Hawkins told Reminder Publishing that she had to have the book completed within a month. A major perk was that the book wasnt incredibly lengthy. In Jan. 2021, the book was published on paperback, hard cover, and Kindle.

Shortly after publication, the book earned #1 New Release in its category. Hawkins said, although this number one spot is constantly changing, seeing the banner was amazing.

Currently, the book has 29 five-star ratings on Amazon.

Hawkins completed an audiobook as well, which led to her narration. This version is now available on Audible.

Some of my biggest challenges have been the narration and setting up a website. Technology is not my strength, she emphasized.

Through watching videos and reading countless articles, Hawkins was able to teach herself all there was to know about this. She received some assistance from one of her former students a voice over artist along with help from a former colleague.

Ive learned that with time and interest, I can do it, she said.

Piling on to her successes, Hawkins released her second book, 50 Things to Know about Being Childfree by Choice, on May 25. The purpose of this story is to share Hawkins reasons, along with the other women she interviewed, for deciding not to have children.

Hawkins said, I hope it will serve as a resource for fellow childfree women to show them they are not alone. She wants to promote an understanding and acceptance of this non-traditional choice, while incorporating her own humor within. Hawkins hopes to encourage her readers to see this from a different perspective parenthood is not the desired path for everyone.

Nowadays, Hawkins believes this choice doesnt seem to be completely accepted, even though its much more common. My husband and I are very happy for making this choice, she stated.

When looking to write her second book, Hawkins posted on her Facebook page that she was in search of other women who have made the same childfree choice.

She said, Childfree isnt something you ask, but I got feedback and a lot of former students came forward. Hawkins also belongs to some childfree groups on Facebook, which raised the book's ratings after its release.

Currently, Hawkins is working on her second Audible and hopes to have it completed by the end of summer. The second book is in paperback and on Kindle.

Aside from the excitement of being a twice published author within a few short months, additional opportunities have presented themselves.

Through another one of Hawkins former students, she landed a speaking engagement at Bay Path University. As a former alumni of Bay Path herself, Hawkins was invited to be guest speaker in April. She spoke with students who were pursuing a degree in teaching, and shared with them five of the 50 things within her book that all teachers should know.

Hawkins currently lives in Feeding Hills and has resigned from Agawam High School. She said, I did enjoy my years there, but its nice to step away. However, she still tutors on the side.

Hawkins has many goals for the future. I would like to write another 50 things to know a trilogy, she said. In addition, she would like to write fiction, mystery, crime/thriller, and of course, the biggest goal: a novel.

She said, I have received incredible support from people- my family and friends, and its amazing to me to see former students reaching out in support Its been a wild ride I hope it continues.

Hawkins books can be found on Amazon and Goodreads. The audio is separate, and can be found on Audible and the companies connected.

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Agawam High School teacher realizes dream of publishing books - Reminder Publications

More Women Are Saying No To Motherhood. Will Society Ever Listen? – HuffPost

Child-free women are having a bit of a moment in the media.

Why many women are intentionally opting out of parenthood, one recent Today Show headline said. Choosing child-free does not equate to a dislike for children, the subhed added lest we think these women are baby-disinterested jerks.

Last month, The New York Times ran a photo series by Zo Noble, a photographer in Berlin whos capturing the lives and stories of the consciously child-free.

People ask me Why not? one woman featured in the story said. Why dont we ask the other question: Why are you choosing to have a child? Thats the bigger question. Do you have the resources and emotional ability? Or is it just a shot in the dark because you feel youre supposed to? With our friends, we see that a lot of women have children because its next in their checklist. The world is overpopulated. We have a climate crisis. If someone says they dont want kids, it should be like, Cool move on.

Add sky-high rent and home prices, lingering college debt for many, and the total cost of raising a child ($233,610, in the U.S., and thats excluding the cost of college) to that list and its all too easy to see why a person might eschew parenthood.

Other articles and interviews have tapped into matters of quality of life. For instance, in a recent appearance on Howard Sterns show, Seth Rogan detailed all the things he and his wife have been able to pursue as a direct result of not having kids: writing books, taking up pottery, getting high in bed and watching movies all day.

We have so much fun, Rogen said. I dont know anyone who gets as much happiness out of their kids as we get out of our non-kids. (Even parents commenting on the interview admitted that, as much as they loved their kids, they could see where he was coming from.)

These why arent millennials popping out more kids? articles arent coming out of nowhere, obviously: People are have been opting into the childfree by choice lifestyle with gusto. According to a report from Pew Research Center, 37% of childless adults dont want kids and arent planning on having any in the future. In 2018, the number of babies born in the U.S. fell to the lowest level in 32 years, and that rate has been declining steadily ever since.

Even women who do want children end up having fewer. On average, women report wanting2.6 children but having only 1.73.

Indeed, instead of the pandemic leading to a baby bump, as many predicted would happen (couples are quarantining at home, what else do they have to do?), demographers and sociologists think were in the early stages of a baby bust. The inclination to have kids just isnt there like it was before.

Hearing how friends with kids are teetering on the edge and wished they had the energy to scream during remote schooling certainly didnt make parenting sound any more appealing.

I think there is more recognition today of the challenges of parenting, Caroline Sten Hartnett, an associate professor of demography and sociology at the University of South Carolina, told HuffPost.

People talk a lot about the fact that parenting is difficult, and in friend groups, women in particular talk about the challenges of managing the majority of child care responsibilities in addition to work responsibilities, she said. I think that type of discourse creates a context in which it seems very reasonable to say, I dont think that lifestyle is for me.

Even women who do want children end up having fewer. Women report wanting 2.6 children but having only 1.73, on average. The same survey found that financial concerns factored heavily into people having fewer kids: 64% said child care was too expensive, 43% said financial precarity forced them to wait to have kids, and about 40% cited a lack of paid family leave as a reason they had fewer children.

Education levels factor into this decision, too. According to Pew Research Centers social research on childlessness, 7% of women who lack a high school diploma are childless. This figure just about doubles to 13% for those who graduated from high school or have some college experience. Among women with a bachelors degree or more, about 20% are childless.

With higher education comes fewer births, said Beverly Yuen Thompson, an associate professor of sociology at Siena College. The peak for rates of being childfree was in 2006 but we see that the numbers also vary greatly by race, with white women having the highest rates of being childfree.

But has the internets robust conversation about the choice to be child-free had any impact offline? Do women feel less pressured to have kids when they visit with overly invested family and friends? Would Rogens wife, Lauren Miller, receive the same good for you! reaction if she said the same thing as her husband?

Child-free women we spoke to remain skeptical.

When it comes to perception of child-free women, weve got a long way to go. The expectation to bring kids into the world is still so strong that a 2016 study found that voluntarily child-free people inspired significantly greater moral outrage than those with two children.

Those who are child-free may be stigmatized but overall, theyre happier; a 2018 study that looked at 40 years of data on children and happiness in America found that married mothers were less happy than married women without kids.

Research also suggests that parents in the U.S. face the largest happiness gap compared to people without children, a disparity that is largely attributed to the countrys lack of family-friendly social policies like subsidized child care, paid vacation and sick leave.

The abysmal state of child care and paid leave is one of many reasons Helen Hsu, a 47-year-old psychologist who works at Stanford University, chose not to have kids with her husband.

Financially, raising kids almost felt like an impossibility, Hsu told HuffPost.

Who the heck has housing and money for three kids!? she said. I think Americans need to get it through their heads how awful the safety net is here: bad health care, unsafe schools and streets, no child care, minimal parental leaves or sick leaves, nor job security.

Everyone in Hsus family told her shed have a burning desire to procreate once she hit her 30s. That never happened, she said.

That might be at least in part due to her perspective on the subject as a working therapist: A big part of her job is helping to repair hurtful parenting and family dynamics.

She spends all day nurturing people at work; shes not eager to nurture even more in her downtime. On a societal level, shes starting to sense a growing acceptance of her child-free lifestyle.

Its happening at a snails pace, and with fits and starts, Hsu said. I think media coverage is slightly better because you have more women telling stories, but I still feel there is still a powerful baseline assumption that the pinnacle of most womens goals and fulfillment ought to be kids. Its a strong cultural value narrative in all patriarchies.

Klaus Vedfelt via Getty Images

Jameelah Woodard, 28, who lives just outside of Los Angeles, is childless by choice, too. As the oldest daughter in her family, growing up she helped out with everything around the house: the cooking, cleaning, diaper changes and general care of her younger siblings.

That kind of life would not make me happy, she said. Top that with having a traumatic childhood, and I did not want to unintentionally pass that trauma onto my children.

Even as a little kid, Woodard would talk openly about not wanting to be a mom, much to the chagrin of the women in her family. (Even now, Woodard said her mom regularly asks God to give her daughter children.)

I am almost 30 and I am still being told, When you meet the right man, you will have children, she said. I have been told more than once, from men that I have attempted to date, that if a man hasnt tried to get me pregnant, there has to be something wrong with me.

For Black women, the pressure to have kids is even greater.

After three decades of trying to avoid being railroaded into having kids, Woodard admits she was taken aback by all the recent articles about women happily declaring their child-free status. Maybe for white women, she thought when she read the accounts, but its a different story if youre Black.

I was actually shocked to see people agreeing with me, that they didnt want children, Woodard said. As a Black woman in America, its expected to have children. It seems like all elders are concerned about our womb room.

While it may be freeing and validating for a white women to talk about her choice to forgo parenting, Black women often struggle to do the same because of cultural expectations, said Kimya Nuru Dennis, a sociologist who has studied perceptions of African and Black people who choose not to become parents.

Most of these permanently child-free-by-choice news stories, research and social media platforms are based on European-white people, she said.

My research highlights how many African-Black people come from traditional and conservative cultures and family backgrounds that are not accepting of gendered freedom, including sexual freedom and reproductive freedom, Nuru Dennis explained. Its very pro-natalist.

Julia McQuillan, the Willa Cather professor of sociology at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, also isnt surprised that experiences of women of color are rarely factored into these why isnt anyone having kids? stories.

There is little public outcry when Hispanic or Black women decide not to have children, she said.

In fact I recall the outcry about Black women having children in the 1990s when they were not married, she said. Meanwhile, there was little consciousness of the dramatic increase in mass incarceration of Black men that made it very hard for Black women to marry the fathers of their children even if they really wanted to.

Say goodbye to childless spinster, say hello to the cool auntie.

The way we talk about child-free women is changing, albeit slowly. Even the semantic embrace of child-free over the far more diminishing child less counts as a win.

Social media has also created a larger community for women who are opting out of parenthood. For example, author and activist Rachel Cargle, who established the Loveland Foundation in 2018 to help give Black women and girls access to therapy and other mental health support, runs an Instagram account where child-free women can gather and validate each others decision.

The account, which has more than 75,000 followers, is named for Cargles preferred title for the child-free by choice.

I often use the phrase Rich Auntie Supreme to describe those of us who are indulgent in the lives of the children around us even though we choose not to have our own, she told the Today Show recently.

Through memes, quote cards and short essays by Cargle, the account offers a portrayal of a child-free existence thats joyous, Oprah-esque. (Oprah, the patron saint of child-free women at this point, makes appearances on the page.) The message is living my best life and buying whatever the hell I want but still very much active and invested in my community. Its a far cry from the tragic, depressing stereotype of child-free women from earlier generations: unfulfilled, selfish, sad spinsters.

To center the voice of Black child-free women in particular, Angela L. Harris created a podcast and private Facebook group where women can encourage one another, regardless of how their families feel about their choice. Harris, the assistant dean of students at Davidson College in North Carolina, calls her movement and group #NoBibsBurpsBottles.

Were trying to empower Black women to unapologetically live their best child-free life, she said. In general, were bombarded with images every day with what it means to be a woman. Nine times out of 10 the message is clear that womanhood equals motherhood. Womanhood is so much more than that.

Just because you dont want to have kids doesnt mean you dont want to have a family. I have a lovely family with my life partner and two dogs. We are happy and fulfilled with one another.

- Ashley Gomes, a 32-year-old, child-free bartender

Women we spoke to appreciate smartly branded takes on the lifestyle like Rich Auntie Supreme, but a few wondered if some people will see it as further proof of child-free womens selfishness.

Theyre committed to that understanding, Hsu said. I have always found it kind of funny and confusing that people accuse child-free women of being selfish. Like, its somehow in a social contract that our very lives are owed to child bearing? Why arent child-free and single bachelors vilified as selfish?

For what its worth, shes having a great time as an actual cool auntie, as she put it.

Personally I have never been besotted with infants or toddlers and I hate Disney, so the early childhood stuff was not interesting to me, Hsu said. Now that my nieces and nephews are older, cool auntie is who can take them to music concerts, afternoon tea at the Palace, and to weight lift.

When theyre together, Hsu and her teen nieces and nephews talk about everything: sexual orientation, first loves and first jobs, Asian American identity, college decisions. Theyll chat, shell help them with their college essays, then she sends them back to their parents houses and goes on her merry, child-free way.

Mengzhu Wang, a 32-year-old dentist who lives in Queensland, Australia, also takes issue with the lingering belief that child-free women are selfish.

Before the pandemic, Wang traveled to developing countries like Papua New Guinea and Timor Leste as part of volunteer programs to provide dental treatment. If she had children, she thinks she would be 100% focused on parenting, with little room for much else.

I couldnt have worked in such a remote setting providing medical care for people in pain, she said. What is more selfless: devoting myself to one person exclusively, or helping relieve the pain and suffering of hundreds of people (many of them vulnerable children who already exist) who would otherwise not be able to see anyone else?

More and more, there seems to be a budding understanding that self-fulfillment isnt a one-size-fits-all proposition: Careers that have a strong impact on the community and future generations are fulfilling. Unconventional looking families are fulfilling.

I cant stress this enough: Just because you dont want to have kids doesnt mean you dont want to have a family, said Ashley Gomes, a 32-year-old bartender whos child-free. I have a lovely family with my life partner and two dogs. We are happy and fulfilled with one another.

Gomes cant ever imagine giving birth to a baby, she could see herself fostering a teen some day in the future.

I would help a child if and when Im able to, she said. But right now, I want to take care of myself, my life partner and my dogs and the planet.

Ali Ha, a 43-year-old artist, spent her reproductive years trying to make her art career happen and stay afloat financially. It hasnt been easier to endure judgement from others, she said. Shes hopeful these conversations today will make it easier for younger women to make the right decisions for themselves rather than following any expected track.

They seem to prioritize individuality as a generation, I see them as bold and unapologetic, she said. I look forward to seeing them show us how child-free is done.

Of course, even in her 40s, Ha is still getting pushback on her choice. She jokes that she has a million stories of cousins still thinking she might have some time left. A well-meaning friend once told her, Janet Jackson just had a kid, theres still hope!

The older you get, the easier it is to brush those comments off.

Currently Im the only woman in my age group in my family who is child-free, she said. Luckily my parents told me they are OK with me knowing who I am. And I am OK with it too and thats what matters the most in the end. Whether youre child-free or have kids, ultimately youre the only one that has to live with your choices.

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More Women Are Saying No To Motherhood. Will Society Ever Listen? - HuffPost

Who Can Even Afford to Have a Child? – Jezebel

Photo: Getty (Getty Images)

Recently, a handful of articles have revisited the decade-old anxiety that people who could procreate are declining to do so. The statistics are there, as they have been for some time: Before the pandemic, the number of births recorded in the United States had dropped to its lowest point for the fifth consecutive year. Now, some estimates predict an additional 300,000 fewer births in the immediate aftermath of covid-19. The baby bust, long predicted by researchers and feared by the sorts of people who wring their hands over the death of the family as a signal of American decline, is definitively here.

Bolstered by a rather vigorous online community of childfree women, the most recent interpretations of these statistics frame declining to have a kid as a sort of internal moral calculus based on a womans ideal lifestyle, a courageous choice that defies societys longstanding expectations around what a persons womb is for. Reporters refer to the rising population of people going child-free as a mass lifestyle choice bolstered by the budding understanding that self-fulfillment isnt a one-size-fits-all proposition: Basically, a decision not to become a parent as an advanced form of self-care.

Last month, the New York Times profiled a photographer working on a documentary project about women without children. She said she was trying to break the taboo of a woman saying the reason I dont have kids is because I dont want them. In a recent story in Today, a 32-year-old describes the years of honest observation and considerate introspection that helped her realize she didnt have to procreate to be a whole woman. And in HuffPost this week, a reporter interviews a number of people about their decision to go child-free, some of whom cited the stress of raising children and the opportunity to engage in meaningful work. But at least one of them, thank God, made the obvious connection between precarity and her particular choice: Who the heck has housing and money for three kids!? asked a 47-year-old psychologist. I think Americans need to get it through their heads how awful the safety net is here.

The acknowledgment that the generation of people who are currently of child-bearing age have the worst economic prospects of any in American history has been conveniently muted since at least 2013, when a Time magazine cover story pondered whether having it all means not having children. But theres something particularly ludicrous about framing a persons decision not to be a parent in this very momentone in which over 4 million women just left the workforce and 40 million recently experienced housing insecurityas a sign of mass self-actualization and broad feminist progress. If a person delivers their child in a hospital, it can cost them thousands of dollars even if they have insurance. In 2015, the USDA put the average yearly cost of raising a child at a little over $13,000, which seems fantastically low considering full-time child care programs around the same time were found to put parents out around $16,000. And none of that really begins to account for the less easily quantifiable variables a person might consider when it comes to raising a human being, among them stable housing, whether their elder family members have recently died in a pandemic, or an economic future thats certain at all.

The articles that interpret declining birth rates as a matter of a womans personal identity lean, to various degrees, on the personalities central to the online childfree movement, which like most groups on the internet naturally gravitate towards labels and vague aphorisms. One of them, mentioned in the HuffPost article, is Rich Auntie Supreme, a motivational Instagram account that describes the kind of life a child-free auntie can have. Rich means owning a summer home or the extra time to hone a craft, one post reads. Rich might mean a weekend ritual of sleeping in until 1 p.m. or luxury skincare items. Its meant to shatter preconceptions about women who decide not to have children, but it inadvertently presents the decision as another step towards total actualization, a mode of being that must be endlessly tended to with affirmations and Instagram quote cards. Its a tone thats replicated in stories that center a womans decision not to have kids as a spiritual calculus. But wouldnt it be equally useful to point out, particularly in the broader media, that there are specific, material reasons a person doesnt feel they can have a kid and also a complicated skincare routine?

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Who Can Even Afford to Have a Child? - Jezebel

Meet the Women Telling Their Sterilization Stories on TikTok – Daily Beast

Some people unbox beauty products on TikTok; Sadie shows off surgical scars. At home in front of a bathroom mirror, wearing floral printed leggings and a chestnut brown sweater, Sadie pointed out three tiny incision marks coming on their belly button, and both sides of the hip.

Yep, you fucking heard it, Sadie (@sadieanneliza), a 26-year-old Uber driver from Denver who uses they/them pronouns, said in the video. Their voice slurredthey admitted to being fucking zooted off of pain medicationas they talked about the sterilization procedure theyd had earlier in the day.

They didnt just tie my tubes either, they fucking took them, Sadie went on. They took them from me, never, ever to be pregnant. Im fucking stoked. (Sadie asked that The Daily Beast keep their last name private.)

Sadie grew up in a religious family in Texas. They speak in the patient, lilting tone of a summer camp counselor. I was told that children are what fill up your life and make it worthwhile, they said. Youre not really a woman until you have children. As a kid, they always wanted to be a mom.

But then life got in the way. Sadie was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) during infancy, and spent their life taking harsh medications known to induce miscarriages. The unthinkable happened when Sadie was 16, got pregnant, and ultimately lost their twins. Years later at age 22, they were in a fluorescent doctors office, asking for a sterilization.

Sadie says the gynecologist said they would need permission from their then-husband to go through with the procedure; he declined. Were not married for that reason, and other reasons, Sadie said. When the marriage ended, Sadie moved to Colorado. On their way to town, they got in a serious car accident that caused an immune system flare up unlike the ones they were used to from RA.

Sadie felt strands of hair fall out by the fistful and noticed blotchy patches sprout all over their skin. Their nails turned black, then withered away. They finally saw another doctor, received another diagnosis: lupus, a particularly debilitating autoimmune disease.

At that point, I realized that if I were to get pregnant, it could literally kill me, Sadie said. Even if I were able to go to term, I would need a cardiologist, neurologist, rheumatologist, gynecologist, and I would still be high-risk.

And if they had a baby? Just think about all the extra loads of laundry Id be doing, the car seat Id have to carry, the stroller Id push, Id have to pick up my kid, take them to practice, and be able to financially provide for them. It makes less and less sense the more you think of it.

Sadie describes a grieving period, where they came to terms with a child-free future. But the hardest part was yet to comeSadie never knew how difficult it would be to ask doctors to sterilize them.

Ive seen seven or eight doctors, they said. I had to fight for it for several years.

Sadie is not alonetheir video quickly hit over 34,000 views on TikTok, with thousands of women taking to the comments to party along with herand maybe project a little envy, too.

I want this soooo bad, one said. But my gynecologist doesnt want to...Been asking this for the past 4 years now.

Please tell me the secret to convincing a doctor to accept that you want to be surgically sterilized, another begged. How did you do it?!?!?!?

#Sterilization has been viewed on TikTok over 29.5 million times. #FemaleSterilization has nearly 930,000 views. #ChildfreeByChoice, a related hashtag, has almost 6 million.

Sadie describes a community on TikTok and Reddit of women and non-binary people tired of getting turned down by doctors for the sterilization procedures they desirean undiscussed facet of the pro-choice movement.

The r/Childfree subreddit, a page which refers to those who do not have and do not ever want children (whether biological, adopted, or otherwise) boasts 1.3 million members. The page links to a much-loved, regularly-updated Childfree friendly doctors list that breaks down practices in each state where women have had success getting sterilizations.

Sadie added their OBGYN, Dr. Lindsay Eun of Westside Womens Care in Denver, to the list. I felt on top of the world [post-op], they said. I felt validated, liberated, seen, and listened to. But the more I thought about that, I got pretty angry. This procedure in my life should not have been some grand victory. Its nothing more than adequate healthcare.

One of the risks for sterilization is the potential for regret.

Sadie ended up getting a bilateral salpingectomy, or the surgical removal of both fallopian tubes. Thats a different procedure than a tubal ligation, colloquially known as getting ones tubes tied, where the fallopian tubes are cut, tied, or otherwise blocked.

But both types of sterilization have the same, permanent, desired outcome: the prevention of pregnancyforever.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) cites sterilization as the most common form of contraception for married couples. The CDC found that 18.6 percent of American women age 15-49 have been sterilized, with the rates increasing with age. Just over 4 percent of women between 20 and 29 had had the procedure. But 21.6 percent of women age 30-39 were sterilized, compared with 39.4 percent of women age 40-49.

The procedure is frequently scheduled postpartum if a woman decides she does not want to have any more children. One study found that 700,000 surgeries are performed annually, half of which are performed 48 hours post-partum. Ten percent of births in this country are followed by a sterilization. When done correctly, it is a normalized, basic procedure.

But given the United States shameful history of compulsory sterilizations and eugenics aimed to reduce the rate of certain mental and physical disordersprocedures that unfairly targeted the poor or people of colormany gynecologists are hesitant to sterilize women under 30.

This week, the Dutch government apologized to trans and intersex people impacted by a law that ran from 1985 to 2014 that required they agree to sterilization before being able to legally change their gender. The victims were awarded a compensation of 5,000 euros (around $6,000) each. In 2018, Sweden issued a similar payout.

In the U.S., a woman must be 21 to get a sterilization covered by federal funds such as Medicaid or the Indian Health Service. (That age restriction does not apply to those with private insurance.) The procedure can cost up to $6,000a vasectomy, for men, runs about $1,000.

ACOGs official guidelines encourage doctors to discuss the risk of regret with patients. A survey cited by ACOG followed women for 14 years after the operation and asked how they felt about their sterilization. Around 20 percent of women who got the procedure before they were 30 reported feeling regretful; only 6 percent of those above that age felt the same.

I want to be very, very clear: I do not mean that everyone who gets a sterilization when theyre younger regrets it, Jennifer Villavicencio, MD, MPP, an ob-gyn and the Darney-Landy Fellow at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, told The Daily Beast. But as with any treatment you engage in, there are risks and benefits. And one of the risks for sterilization is the potential for regret.

When any patient asks Dr. Villavicencio for a sterilization, she asks them to start from the beginning.

I want them to tell me about themselves, and I want to get to know them and understand why theyre coming to this decision, she said. I ask a lot of questions and try to get a sense of where theyre at.

We have an unfortunate trend in this country of not really trusting women or people with reproductive capacity to make decisions about their reproduction.

Dr. Jenniver Villavicencio

But Dr. Villavicencio acknowledges that not all doctors feel similarly. Ive had patients who have come to me saying three doctors would not do the procedure, she said. We have an unfortunate trend in this country of not really trusting women or people with reproductive capacity to make decisions about their reproduction.

Its common for doctors to tell young women who ask for sterilizations to consider therapy. Its frankly absurd to suggest that just because someone is 21 and doesnt want children needs therapy, Dr. Villavicencio said. That being said, given this is a permanent procedure, I have a conversation with patients about the context in which theyre seeking this decision.

Shes seen patients requesting sterilization who have a history of severe depression, or who are experiencing domestic violence in their relationship. Permanent contraception might make sense in those circumstances, but it will not fix the underlying problem.

There have been scenarios where Ive said, do you think it makes sense for you to speak to a therapist before we move forward? Its not a recommendation, but its something Ive brought up when the context suggests it could be helpful, Dr. Villavicencio said.

Women who are on Medicaid are required to wait up to 30, but no more than 180 days, after their consultation before getting a sterilization. This federal law theoretically prevents low-income women from undergoing compulsory procedures. But women with private insurance have no such restriction, which makes many see the waiting period as discriminatory.

Any time individuals face barriers to receiving care, it is under-resourced and marginalized communities who bear the brunt of that, Dr. Villavicencio said. Young people fall into that category. There are so many thoughts, opinions, and beliefs about what they should be doing with their bodies.

Dr. Jennifer Lincoln is an OBGYN in Portland, Oregon, and something of a sex ed influencer with 1.4 million followers on TikTok. She has made videos on the app debunking the myth that a womans spouse must consent to her sterilization procedure. In an interview, she said that doctors cannot hold someones fertility hostage until theyre 30 as long as the patient understands all risks.

Its great to see that people are talking about it on TikTok and opening up about the right to their fertility, Dr. Lincoln said. Its not that you need to be a woman with kids in order to be a good member of societyyou are in charge of your own fertility.

In a few days, Lindsay Hull (@lindsayloohoooo) will celebrate the one-,year anniversary of her sterilization. She found her Phoenix, Arizona gynecologist on the r/Childfree list. You would think it would be easy to go ask for something like that, but I had to go to three or four different doctors before I found one who actually listened to me when I talked, Hull, who is 26 and works as a videographer, said. It wasnt the easiest thing to do.

It was the same thing every timedoctors telling her she was too young, she should wait a few years, with some even asking What would your future husband think?

The answer: He wouldnt be my future husband if he didnt agree with me on this subject, Hull said. I grew up in a really small town where everyone had this thing where they would follow the same template of what you need to do in your lifego to college, do a career, get married, have kids. I decided I didnt want that.

Hull is currently engaged to a supportive fianc. Back when she was dating around, the topic of sterilization would most definitely come up. In your late twenties, people start thinking about getting serious and having kids, she said. I always let whoever I was seeing know that I dont want kids and that was not something I was going to budge on. One person thought I was going to change my mind, but I wasnt.

Before her sterilization, Hull took birth control for about 10 years. Sometimes she forgets about her procedure and thinks, Oh, its time for me to take my birth controlwait, I dont have to do that anymore.

Hull says its common for her to receive unsolicited commentary from people she tells about her procedure. People have told her, to her face, that shell regret her decision.

They ask, What if you change your mind? Then I say, What if I got pregnant, and I tell you Im going to have the childwould you say the same thing, that I was going to regret it or change my mind? No, you would never say that. So why are you doing it this way, now? Hull explained.

None of the people who spoke with The Daily Beast for this story said they ever regretted their decision to go through with a sterilization.

Montana Blum (@toiletbowlgod), 24, lives in Northern Virginia, and is a full-time college student studying business management. (Blum is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.)

For me, having kids just isnt in the picture, and Ive been saying that ever since I was 15, Blum said. A lot of people laughed it off and said theyd change your mind. A lot of us non-binary people get a partial hysterectomy for our dysphoria. After I did a lot of research and learned the loopholes Id have to jump through, I managed to get my tubes removed at 21. But Im still currently looking for a doctor to do my hysto. (A hysterectomy is the surgical removal of the uterus.)

Its hard for trans and non-binary people to get reproductive health care. A lot of doctors either invalidate it or ignore it, thinking well change our minds. In their eyes, its a mental illness to not want children.

Montana Blum

Blum currently sees a therapist who is on board with providing a gynecologist with a note that supports their decision to get a hysterectomy. Its hard for trans and non-binary people to get reproductive health care, Blum said. A lot of doctors either invalidate it or ignore it, thinking well change our minds. In their eyes, its a mental illness to not want children.

Though Blums family is on the conservative side of things, their mother has supported the choice to be child-free. When people ask about my choice, I say, Why on earth are you worrying about my fertility? Blum said. Its odd. People think that they are owed insight on your family planning. Its the same for those who want to be a parent, too. People dont have a right to those things.

Though their work on TikTok, Reddit, and various Facebook groups, Blum says theyve helped over 40 trans, non-binary, and cis people get sterilization procedures. I have cried about it, they said. It has made me really happy. A lot of people have been trying for 10 years, seen over 30 doctors, and finally found one through me. It helps a lot knowing they have this option.

Blum recommends people searching for sterilizations to try teaching hospitalsthose tend to be more progressive. Obviously womens clinics and anywhere that is queer-friendly is a good start, too. In conservative states, access can be limited. But liberal bastions are not quite havens for sterilizations, either.

I helped someone who wants a procedure recently who lives in California, Blume said. A lot of gynecologists there tell people to just keep having abortions, that thats empowering. My friend had five gynos who fed her that propaganda. When she finally found a doctor [who would perform her sterilization], they said, Thats the reputation for California. They are very liberal, and just pro-abortion.

Feminists dont like to admit it, but feminism is rooted in cishetero-normativity, Blume said. Pro-choice only focuses on abortion. Nobodys saying thats a bad thing, but there are other health-care issues, too. I myself as a childfree person has been criticised by conservatives but also by feminists who are pro-choice. Theres a lot of hypocrisy.

When anyone with a reproductive system chooses permanent contraception, they reject the age-old ideal that has been thrust upon women since the Virgin Birth: being a mother is their highest calling. Of course, that is not true for everyone. Still, those who desire sterilization before experiencing parenthood are encouraged to wait it out, just in case.

Sadies partner is a 23-year-old man who knew his whole life he never wanted to have children. This year, he asked his doctor for a vasectomy.

He went to one doctor, one single doctor, and said, I want a permanent, irreversible vasectomy, Sadie said. They were like, Cool, sign the papers. They had him in and out in 30 days. No one raised an eyebrow. Hes three years younger than I was when I got my sterilization. When I was his age, I was begging doctors for a similar procedure and they looked at me like I was crazy.

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Meet the Women Telling Their Sterilization Stories on TikTok - Daily Beast

Undecided about having kids? Reading this might help – ABC News

Kids have always been in the plan for some people, but for the rest of us, it's a challenge to choose between parenting and living a childfree life.

There are of course pros and cons to both but according to the experts thinking about it that way isn't actually helpful.

One piece of advice I got while researching baby indecision was to consider what having a child might be like, as well as what being childfree would bring.

We've put together a range of content about baby curiosity, childfree living and parenting to help you along.

We also wanted to acknowledge that not everyone gets to choose, with infertility affecting about one in six Aussie couples.

The toughest thing about being in limbo, especially for women, is that we don't have a lot of time to figure it out.

Separating desire from decision might sound a bit vague, but actually, you need to work out what you want before you decide what you're going to do. They don't always match up, says Ann Davidman, a marriage and family therapist who has been helping men and women make a call about parenthood since the '90s.

And while you can "research" your way to some certainty, it's got to be the right kind. Rather than ask your parent friends what it's like to have kids, instead ask how they came to make a decision.

Skye was still unsure about becoming a mum even when pregnant with her son, who is about to turn one. We've been following her journey and you can read about her first few months as a mum.

Despite loads of soul-searching I still don't know if I want to have kids and there are men and women struggling with the same thing. But there is a way forward.

There are many reasons people choose not to have kids, including environmental concerns, mental health, desire for freedom, career, a love of pets and pressures to be the perfect parent.

"It's actually a very unselfish decision what sort of world are we bringing children into? Within 20 to 30 years climate change will have made its irreversible mark and life as we know it won't exist," wrote ABC Life reader Aizzy Babette.

I spoke to two young people who opted for sterilisation to make sure they could never have children by accident.

"I feel so relieved and happy and unburdened by the fact I've had it done," said 32-year-old Phil* from Melbourne.

The research shows most people don't regret their decision or "change their mind". Instead, women we heard from spoke about life without kids of their own being "one big adventure" and "a gift".

But it's not a call that comes without judgement from others. Women choosing to not have kids is a trend psychotherapist Zoe Krupka says is often wrongly labelled selfish, shallow and immature.

Men cop it, too the expectation to "leave behind a legacy" came up a lot in the experiences men shared with us. As well as being told "you aren't a real man" until you have a child.

To get to the heart of parenting, colleague Patrick Wright and I went deep with a handful of mums and dads.

We spoke to them about what changes, what's scary, the tough bits and of course what they love most about this whole parenting gig.

"I just like my kids so much. There is something about having people in your life that you would defend to the end of the Earth. I also really like hanging out with them. They entertain me like nobody else," said Christy Newman from Sydney.

Mums and dads at different stages of their parenting career share the best bits of having kids.

I personally loved hearing how great kids were for a laugh. Alesha Kilpatrick told us about the insatiable curiosity of her children and their strange questions.

"For me, the best bit is my children's random questions and sense of humour. 'Mum, what do ladybugs eat?'"

But there is also that weight of responsibility many parents grapple with.

"Initially, we gave our kids over to child care, and we felt a real sense of loss when that happened. You really do worry and look back and think if you're doing the right thing. Even when they're staying with the grandparents, you feel this sense of dread that you're not going to be there to look after them," said Mark Valencia.

And it's probably natural to experience a bit of an identity crisis.

Writer and mum-of-two Carla Gee says she often feels misunderstood, because her life doesn't fall neatly into the categories of "full-time worker" or "stay-at-home mum".

My colleague Sarah Scopelianos also wrote about how babies can change the dynamic of friendships when one of you has a baby and the other doesn't.

Whatever you decide, think of this quote from a Cheryl Strayed advice column.

"There will likely be no clarity there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss."

* Name changed for privacy

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Undecided about having kids? Reading this might help - ABC News

Friday’s papers: Childless by choice, taxes and foreign aid impact – YLE News

Voluntary childless people say they often face societal stigma.Image: Titta Puurunen / Yle

Prime Minister Sanna Marin has said she wants to slash daycare fees to make working more attractive for parents of young children. Following up on the childbearing theme, Helsingin Sanomat's most-read article on Friday morning features a reader survey of people who are childfree by choice.

Respondents' reasons for voluntary childlessness included concerns about the climate and difficulties combining a family and career.

Venla Berg, a researcher at the Family Federation, cited a 2017 study that found that highly educated women were particularly concerned with bearing the load of work and family--something men did not express much concern about.

"Men said they would support the big change in a new mothers life by staying home for a few months while women were envisioning a three-year break in their careers," Berg explained.

The Finnish Tax Administration is urging income earners to update their withholding tax information, according to business paper Kauppalehti.

The tax office said as many as one-in-four workers were exceeding their annual pay estimates, which can lead to the withhold percentage suddenly shooting up at the end of the year. Tax officials said they were planning to send text messages to some 6,000 individuals whose earnings were greatly exceeding reported income thresholds.

An internal review by the Foreign Ministry found much room for improvement in several African development aid projects, reports newsstand tabloid Ilta-Sanomat which had requested access to the sealed report.

The review centred on projects in the countries of Mozambique, Kenya and Ethiopia and found that the ministry did not adequately monitor and follow-up with aid recipients. Some foreign aid programmes not only lacked clear goals, but also concrete steps for achieving targets, according to the report.

Many university students in Finland are returning to online classes this autumn, but hotel chain Scandic is nonetheless launching a student accommodation package, reports business magazine Talouselm in a story that is piquing interest among its readership.

The chain is offering student accommodation packages--starting with 30 nights--at some of its hotels in Helsinki, Turku, Tampere, Kuopio, Oulu, Rovaniemi, Jyvskyl, Vaasa and Lappeenranta, according to the magazine.

Hotels have been struggling to maintain occupancy. At the beginning of the typical tourism season in May, Finnish air passenger traffic plummeted by 98 percent, year-on-year.

Exacerbating the problem is the fact that right before the coronavirus crisis hit, Finland's hospitality sector was making large-scale investments in new hotels, leading to a concern that supply may soon surpass demand.

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Friday's papers: Childless by choice, taxes and foreign aid impact - YLE News

Relationships of the Future – My New Orleans

The Knot releases study on the trends of Gen Z and young MillennialsGetty

Today, Aug. 31, The Knot released its recent study, Future of Relationships and Weddings. The goal of this study was to look at the younger generations entering the relationship and marriage stage of their lives specifically, Gen Z and younger millennials, ages 18-29.

Kelly here: as a member of the younger millennials category at age 29, I was extremely interested in what this report was going to say. I dont necessarily fit into all of the millennial stereotypes and really thought I wasnt going to agree with what the rest of my generation and Gen Z had to say.

The study, in our opinion, shed some interesting and expected insights into how the young adult generations are viewing relationships and marriage.

As we usher in a new generation of to-be-engaged couples and then, to-be-weds were expecting that Gen Z and younger millennials will continue to shatter social norms and make their own traditions when it comes to their future weddings and marriages, said Kristen Maxwell Cooper, editor in chief of The Knot.

The studys press release highlighted four main areas of focus. First, was the expectations of relationships and marriage contrast trends set by todays newlyweds. What they found was that the beliefs in marriage and relationships held by Gen Z and millennials differ from the trends being set currently by todays newlyweds. Currently, 22 percent of married couples meet their significant other through online dating and apps, but Gen Z and millennials believe they are more likely to find the one through friends, school and social situations and only 12 percent believing theyll meet their partner on dating apps. Additionally, the study reported, Gen Z and millennials consider having shared family values to be the most important quality in a future spouse with the majority looking to their parents (48 percent) and grandparents (43 percent) as a positive example of marriage over friends (36 percent), influencers (16 percent) and celebrities (15 percent). Approximately 40 percent believe that seeking parents permission to wed will become a less popular, antiquated tradition in the future. Despite these differences, one area where Gen Z and millennials align with newlyweds today is their anticipation of living together (53 percent) and purchasing a home (30 percent) before marriage.

Though more are leaning towards looking to their parents and grandparents for inspiration, the report stated that about 20 percent of Gen Z and millennials also look to TV and movie couples for positive relationship inspiration, stating Pam and Jim from NBCs The Office, Monica and Chandler from NBCs Friends, Allie and Noah from the movie The Notebook, and cartoon couple Lind and Bob Belcher from Foxs Bobs Burgers as sort of role models. (Kelly here: Pam and Jim forever!) For LGBTQ+ couples, about the same amount say they look to TV couples for positive relationships as they look to their parents and grandparents. In the same respect, 22 percent Black and 23 percent Hispanic Gen Z and millennials say celebrities or social media influences are their source of positive relationship inspiration outside of their parents and grandparents mentioning Beyonce and Jay-Z, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith and YouTube influencers Dearra and Ken as the most popular examples.

With a wider look into LGBTQ+ and Black and Hispanic Gen Z and millennial couples, The Knot noted that now is a time for change as these couples continue to face criticism. According to the study, one-third of Gen Z and millennial Hispanic (32 percent) and Black (30 percent) couples say they have faced criticism of their relationship due to their race. More findings included, nearly four in 10 Black couples have had their relationship criticized due to age, while 36 percent of LGBTQ+ couples have had their relationships questioned due to sexual orientation. For LGBTQ+ couples, less than half (38 percent) say their parents are very or extremely supportive of their sexuality and among other family members, only 25 percent are supportive. However, the majority (70 percent) of Gen Z and millennial LGBTQ+ couples say that friends are very or extremely supportive.

The final piece of the study revealed the increase in popularity of mixed-gender weddings parties and nontraditional wedding attire. The study showed that about 80 percent of Gen Z and millennials do put some thought into their wedding day (17 percent knowing precisely what theyre looking for) and that marriage is valued as equally important as traveling to these generations. Forty-nine percent of Gen Z and millennial expect an increase in mixed-gender wedding parties and 42 percent expect that Gen Z and millennial women will continue the rising trend of nontraditional wedding day attire stating the choice of a jumpsuit or skirt would be in place of a wedding gown. The report continued, Additionally, 31 percent of Gen Z and millennials expect that taking a partners last name will decrease in popularity. While photography tops the list of wedding services that most Gen Z and millennials admit theyre likely to splurge on, the majority of women (36 percent) are more willing to splurge on wedding attire for their special day, while men would prefer to spend the extra money on music (31 percent).

Melanie here: As a Gen Xer, much of this sounds familiar. Much to the dismay of our Boomer parents, many in our generation lived together, eschewed traditional weddings and wedding attire and many of us are in mixed gender and mixed race relationships (though the mixed gender marriage part didnt come for us until it was made legal, so commitment ceremonies were the alternative). The differences are found more in the areas of meeting on dating apps (some of us have, of course, but generally younger Gen Xers or those on second marriages) and looking to parents (most of ours divorced) or celebrities and movie or TV characters as inspiration (not real enough). Personally, I didnt look to my grandparents marriages, because they were so traditional and I knew my marriage would look a lot different, since Im a childfree by choice, career-centered writer. My husband and I have made it up as we go and here we are, 22 years later! I cant speak for all Gen Xers, nor would I want to, but I think most of us have a you do you philosophy. So, to all of the millennials and Gen Zers not that you asked for my opinion or advice, so if you dont want it, skip down to Kellys thoughts do whatever. (You knew Id work that word into it, right?) If it works for you, doesnt hurt anyone and makes you happy, you are doing something right. You cant mess things up any worse than we Gen Xers (or our parents good lord how did we even survive?!).

Kelly here again: as a millennial with a more traditional opinion of what dating, relationships and marriage should look like (yes, I look to my grandparents for that one), I enjoy my fellow young millennials and the Gen Z generations want to move away from dating apps and online dating and put more into a relationship. Though Gen Z and millennials are given a bad rap sometimes, I believe our drive to find a deeper connection while not compromising on our independence and want to travel and connect with the world could create a generation of marriages that mirror the romanticized vision of our grandparents and great grandparents spanning decades and producing a deeper love and understanding.

Are you part of the Gen Z or young millennial generations? Let us know what you think about the findings from The Knots study.

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Relationships of the Future - My New Orleans

One Legacy of the Pandemic May Be Less Judgment of the Child-Free – The Atlantic

Read: This isnt sustainable for working parents

While the parents in my life have been openly acknowledging the challenges of parenting during the pandemic, my child-free friends have for the first time been sharing that they are relieved they dont have children. Many of us have been quietly admitting to one another that a decision weve often been told wed regret or should be ashamed of doesnt seem like the worst decision in the world. These types of conversations have garnered renewed interest in recent weeks, and not just among my friends. An essay series in The Guardian, called Childfree, explores that decision, with reasoning that runs the gamut: not enough money, focusing on your own life, the climate crisis, being fine with being alone. The series wasnt pinned to life amid a pandemic, but it seems especially apt in this moment. The gap between parents and the child-free has also been evident on Twitter. In response to a harmless tweet from a parent about how non-parents have no idea how hard its been to parent during the pandemic, thousands of people chimed in with some version of: Yes, we dothats why we dont have kids.

That particular exchange has all the supercharged, often annoying characteristics of internet debate, but it highlights a long-standing tension. This is hardly the first moment that the idea of marriage and a baby as the primary path for women has come under scrutiny. Early feminists openly discussed the pressures of motherhood. Betty Friedans The Feminine Mystique started with the problem that has no name, which was the unhappiness of married women stuck at home with children. She wrote, There is no other way for a woman to dream of creation or of the future. There is no way she can even dream about herself, except as her childrens mother, her husbands wife.

That has obviously changed. Nine years ago, Kate Bolicks Atlantic essay, which became her memoir about single life, Spinster, made waves. In it, she detailed all the ways that women were upending what society expected of them. She wrote, A childless single woman of a certain age is no longer automatically perceived as a barren spinster.

Friedan and Bolick were both generally speaking to the experiences of middle-class white women. For less privileged women and women of color, of course, becoming a parent has not always been framed as an empowering choice (single Black mothers, for example, are routinely demonized, not heralded, for exercising their choice). Still, I started thinking about these texts again as I reflected on what my friends with children were going through and how, despite our recognition of the oppressiveness of these expectations, they appeared unchanged.

The pandemic has only intensified the pressures that already existed for middle-class parents. Child-care costs were high, but they at least gave you some freedom to work; now families are raising children without the usual support. As schools and day-care centers reopen, they must address new safety concerns. For heterosexual parents, the bulk of the child care falls on the mother. The global health crisis has worsened this sexist division of labor, and the long-term effects could damage womens careers and, despite the best intentions, become a new norm.

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One Legacy of the Pandemic May Be Less Judgment of the Child-Free - The Atlantic

How at 34 I’m working out if I really want to be a mother one day – iNews

Since my early twenties, the question of motherhood and whether its for me is one I havent fully considered. Like most of the big decisions in my life, Ive avoided tackling it by shoving it to the bottom of my to-do list.

Ive just turned 34, which, according to some fertility experts, means I supposedly have only one year until my biological clock starts plummeting into an oblivion of dwindling eggs and eventually menopause.

My school education didnt really prepare girls for one of the biggest, life-defining decisions theyll make as a woman. Instead, we were taught how to avoid becoming pregnant, which I have to admit is a refreshing change from the days when women were taught our sole purpose was to be a housewife.

My knight in shining armour has come in the form of endless Tinder and Hinge dates

However, were still continually being sold the millennial dream of women being able to have it all a successful career, marriage and kids but the reality has left me feeling disillusioned. My knight in shining armour has come in the form of endless Tinder and Hinge dates, who are mostly not ready for commitment, or say they are, but then leave me on read or just vanish. Then the price of London living is hefty especially when youre doing it on your own, and dont have the high-flying salary to match.

Culturally, I feel like a British-Ghanaian spinster, as back in Ghana a woman is really expected to be married with kids by the age of 25 a complete juxtaposition from my life here. Despite all of my glittering achievements, my dear sweet grandmothers favourite topic to discuss with me on the phone is when are you going to have a baby? This is what she views as the real fulfillment of womanhood especially as she has had 12 children.

All this and more has left me riddled with anxiety about how I can even contemplate becoming a mother in this climate, and it seems Im not the only one who feels this way. Figures from the Office for National Statistics show women under 30 are having babies at a record low and the only age group in which births are increasing is the over-40s.

For those without children like myself, these findings give some assurance that Im not the only one still trying to decide on parenthood. But within my own personal circle, gradually more friends are hopping off the young, free and single bus and switching to married with kids and a mortgage.

Seeing some of my die-hard party compadres transform into doting mothers has been a joy to watch, and has left me playing the role of the cool auntie travelling all over the globe. However, my life has changed since the Covid-19 pandemic. I can no longer jet from country to country or distract myself with endless schmoozing at Londons finest soires. Ive been homebound and will remain so for a while, which leaves me with the time to dwell on the things Ive been putting off, like my personal stance on becoming a mother. Having this opportunity to explore this has led me to looking into options that could potentially buy me more time, or just less mental stress.

Im elated women like myself have more avenues available to us such as adoption, freezing our eggs or heading to the sperm bank. But while these modern choices are game changers, they dont really appeal to me. Freezing eggs seems like a costly process financially, physically and emotionally which, at the end of it, doesnt guarantee a baby. Call me a heartless cynic, but I would rather invest that money into getting on the property ladder.

The short-term benefits of a sperm donor seems like the perfect match for me, but I do worry about never having the answer to whos my daddy? So its a no from me, but I will forever admire the women who have the strength and courage to do it alone.

My quest down the online rabbit hole of parental indecision led me to self-described motherhood clarity mentor Ann Davidman. Ann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has a private psychotherapy practice in Oakland, California.

Parenthood hesitancy has been her area of expertise since 1991, when she and fellow therapist Denise L. Carlini created a group for the undecided population, like myself, who are seeking help deciding whether to have a child or not. The pair co-wrote a book, Motherhood Is It for Me? Your Step-By-Step Guide to Clarity in 2016.

Fast forward to 2020, Ann counsels both women and men worldwide, in a three-month online Motherhood/Fatherhood clarity group course, costing 800 or for a cheaper price tag, you can follow the guidance and assignments in the book. She has a growing UK clientele, who reach out to her to take part in the online clarity courses or to be counselled individually in one-to-one sessions.

Ann says she has found herself busier than ever in lockdown as the hectic lives of 30 and 40-somethings have been turned down a notch.

This one-of-a-kind program, which I am now participating in, has started my journey to deciphering my own private, uncensored feelings away from the judgement of other peoples opinions. Each week, I am set a writing assignment that aims to help me dissect and evaluate external circumstances that cloud my decision-making when it comes to parenthood.

I am addressing my fear that a child free life is going to be paved with regrets at a later stage

In week one I was set the task of drawing my family map and tracing generational patterns and attitudes to relationships and children. My findings were then discussed on a live call so we could explore any common traits or unsettling feelings. Alongside written assignments are recorded guided visualisations, which come packaged as a healing aid to help you relax and process your subconscious thoughts in a variety of role play scenarios. In one scenario, you visualise that you have decided to become a mother and journal your uncensored initial feelings that come with this decision.

In an alternative scenario, I am addressing my fear that a child free life is going to be paved with regrets at a later stage especially when Im older and my career is no longer the light of my life.

Of her method, Ann explains: Everything is to stir up the unconscious recordings that you carry, and its designed to record the information because often people are reacting to something outside of them, reacting to societys pressure, or living in a pro-natal society, where you are taught you should want children or what someone else wants for you.

Most people who are ambivalent or undecided, they dont even mention it to people because theres so much backlash. Ambivalence in general is uncomfortable for people, so, if you say youre not sure what you want to do about children, people have a hard time with that so that makes you go further underground and [feel] more alone.

She adds: You may desire to be a parent but live a child free life. Each part of that is a personal decision. The important thing is you know why youre making that decision which is really between you and you, its not an explanation you owe to anyone but yourself.

So far in the motherhood clarity mentoring process, Ive dealt with the uncomfortable truth that my thinking behind wanting to become a mum has solely been to keep up appearances as if a baby is a trendy accessory. Ive started shedding those beliefs and moved more towards questioning myself on whether I want the lifelong responsibility of an offspring, and if I am capable of providing them with love, guidance, wisdom, protection and financial security for as long as Im alive?

Im slowly learning that if the answer is no it doesnt make me a horrible person or any less of a woman.

During lockdown Ive spent time researching the pros and cons of motherhood by speaking to friends who have shared their wisdom, joys and honest regrets about becoming a mother. Ive googled and watched almost every Ted Talk on the subject and read numerous articles on the women deciding to go against the grain by remaining childfree and happy.

I have considered my lifestyle as a travel writer and being able to go anywhere in the world at the drop of the hat and how this may look different if I were to become a mother. But from speaking to travel mums who are successfully combining both of these worlds, Ive realised nothing is impossible, and actually family travel could turn out to be just as adventurous as solo travel.

I would say millennials feel more entitled to question and decide for themselves whats going to work, so they are reaching out more and feel less shame about not knowing, says Ann.

Speaking to Ann has made me understand its not a woman vs man battle when it comes to parenthood, as some men are also going through the same complexities of trying to understand what being a father may mean for them. Sometimes men reach out to me because theyre single and theyve been dating and their relationships keep ending over this topic so they want to get clear on it, so they know who to date, she says. They want to do right by themselves and their partner.

Motherhood clarity mentoring is enlightening and is making me feel more comfortable with the thought of becoming a mum one day but only for the right reasons, and Im giving myself the time to work out what these reasons are.

I now know that parenthood hesitancy is not something to be frightened of, as motherhood isnt so black and white. I am also learning to make peace with the fact that if I never have my own children naturally, I have the nurturing and loving spirit most women have. I am already a mother to children like my four Godchildren, who arent my own, but whom I love with the maternal yearnings within me. At any moment I can adopt the role of being a mum because, as the African proverb says, it takes a village to raise a child.

For more information on Ann Davidman and her services visit her website.

Stephanie Takyi is a travel and showbusiness journalist based in London

Continued here:

How at 34 I'm working out if I really want to be a mother one day - iNews

‘There’s a real taboo’: Emma Gannon’s debut novel Olive explores the decision to be childfree – Belfast Telegraph

Ask any female novelist about the most annoying question they get asked in interviews, and many will admit that they're often asked about how much of the character is written from real life. It's a question that author Emma Gannon is having to field a lot right now.

It definitely does annoy me a little bit," she laughs. "Other female authors have prepared me in advance about how I'll get asked this, although it's up to me how much I want to reveal."

As it stands, Gannon has much in common with the protagonist of her lively and readable debut novel, Olive. In it, the British podcaster/journalist mulls over a pertinent question: what does a life without children look like for a modern woman in her thirties?

Naturally, Gannon's own stance on wanting children has emerged. As a journalist, Gannon has already written about how much she enjoys her child-free existence.

"I felt conflicted about it," she tells me, referring to her decision to disclose her own stance on wanting kids.

"Part of me wants to do the eye-roll, and there are people who think I've pretty much written a memoir. But on the other hand, I feel I'd be doing a disservice to the reader if I didn't talk about it. We do write about what we know, and I'm not going to pretend that this is something that has nothing to do with me."

Gannon's titular protagonist finds herself at a crossroads, trying to figure out many things. Flying high in her career as a journalist, a freshly single Olive is more than aware that her 'child-free by choice' status marks her out as a bit of an outlier.

As her friends gravitate towards marriage and motherhood (and all the struggles and challenges therein), Olive is forced to check back in with herself and re-evaluate her stance on not wanting children.

Gannon handles this with elan, putting on the page the various complexities, challenges and uncertainties of the child-free existence.

"There is a sense of being a little exposed, but when you write fiction you're in a bit of an invisibility cloak, and you can wander around saying all these interesting things through the mouths of your character," Gannon smiles. "Sometimes, they do come from my deepest, darkest thoughts - works of fiction are weirdly truthful."

Though Olive is the undisputed heroine of the book, her college pals Cecily, Bea and Isla are also forging their own territory as parents; something that afforded Gannon the chance to "play with ideas of what motherhood can be".

"I suppose that sort of symbolises how I feel," she says. "I'm 31. I don't think I want children. I don't want to set it in stone as it's too soon to make any kind of definitive statement about it, but it's been fun writing the alternative."

Engaged to be married next year, Gannon hears the 'you'll be next' refrain from well-meaning types more often than she'd like. "When I'm with my nephews, I get a lot of that," she smiles. "The other one I get is, 'you'll change your mind eventually'. My favourite though is, 'who will look after you when you're older?' The one I find quite offensive is, 'maybe you've not met the right person yet'. I've met the right person - that's not the issue. We're not yet at the point where someone will say that they don't want children and people will just go, 'oh right, that's cool'.

Unlike Gannon, Olive, at 33, is absolute in her decision that she wants to remain child-free. It's not easy to find characters like Olive in today's swathe of fiction, which is exactly why Gannon decided to write the book.

"I do think it's something we need to talk about more, about what 'child-free' means for a new generation," Gannon notes.

One motif that still somehow endures is that of a 'cold war' between child-free women and mothers, and it's an idea that Gannon wanted to tease out in Olive.

"It's a weird one, isn't it? I did hear someone say that once in a workplace, they sort of hinted that the child-free should be doing more of the work. I suppose I wanted to bust the myth that child-free people always have so much time. The truth is, there's a lot going on for a lot of us. And just because you don't have children, you can still nurture and love and give back.

"I think this is a book about how we are all more similar than we think, there is no real divide there - no binary," Gannon continues.

"Womanhood comes in many forms, and the 'us and them' is just problematic. Some people would love to have children, and can't. How lovely would it be if we could all just work together and just live and let live, in a beautiful harmony?

"Ultimately, at the heart of the book, I wanted to write about friends - people who have been in the same boat, gone through school and university together, and feel they have the same benchmarks to hit. Suddenly, in your thirties, you can feel distant from them, and threatened by their new life: 'will they stop seeing you if you have a child?' I think these are very typical fears that come to mind for women.

"It speaks to the insecurities women feel - are we making the right choice? You can often tell when you're being horrible to someone or a bit mean, it's often to do with fear, and being scared of someone making judgements on you. You start to worry about things like, 'is my friend ahead in her career?' There's a real taboo around those kinds of judgments among friends.

"So many people have said, 'Olive feels so true to me, as I've had these sort of fallouts with friends'," Gannon adds. "People say they don't get invited to mum things anymore if they don't have their own child. I'm glad the novel is painting that reality. Luckily, I don't have those struggles with my own friends - we respect each other's priorities and whenever I, say, have a book launch or something, my friends are there, showing up."

Teasing apart taboos and having tricky conversations has long been part of Gannon's professional lifeblood. And her innate curiosity has made her podcast, Ctrl Alt Delete, one of the most popular business podcasts in the UK.

"I think I always knew I wanted a job where I could get to be nosy and ask a lot of questions," Gannon says. "I love having the sort of conversations that make me uncomfortable. Curiosity often leads the way - I like that it helps you learn more."

With over six million downloads, Ctrl Alt Delete has seen Gannon interview everyone from Sharon Horgan and US actor Ellen Page to director Greta Gerwig and Gillian Anderson about their work lives. It was also the first podcast recorded inside Buckingham Palace.

"I genuinely love every single person I've interviewed but I often think back to the interview with (philosopher) Alain de Botton, because he just comes at things from a very different angle."

Her non-fiction debut, Ctrl Alt Delete, was released in 2016, and was swiftly followed by The Multi-Hyphen Method, "a new business book for the digital age".

In it, Gannon extols the virtues of a 'portfolio career', and exploring our own entrepreneurial spirit to create many strings for our own bows. Talking to people who run blogs or run online stores in their spare time, Gannon's book suggests working less and creating more and defining your own version of success.

"I don't necessarily agree that everyone should have a side hustle - it's another plate to spin for some people, but if you have a passion project, or an idea, and have whatever it takes to get started, ask yourself, will it improve your mental health? Will it help you meet new people? Are you happier being creative? "It's not even about making more money - it's about something that brings you joy."

Although released two years ago, The Multi-Hyphen Method has even more relevance in the current climate, where people in lockdown have been re-evaluating their work lives.

"It's a strange one, isn't it?" Gannon agrees.

"Two years ago I was talking about flexible working and new ways of working, and basically how a full-time job isn't a safety net anymore, and no one really wanted to hear it. No one really believed that flexible working could be the future. There was still a sense that people must still go to their desks and work from nine to five.

"It's been interesting, it's like we've been thrown into this social experiment (during the pandemic)," she adds. "Two years ago I had CEOs tell me they'd never allow employees to work from home, but now they're all working from home."

In The Multi-Hyphen Method, Gannon also writes of the benefits of self-promotion. "It's really hard for some people - either it comes naturally to them, or the thought paralyses them with fear," asserts Gannon.

"I tend to tell people that we're now living in a culture where self-promotion is pretty much part of the job. So much recruitment is done online, and there's a lot of competitiveness with the internet, and if you're not showing up for yourself on social media, it does have a knock-on effect. There's a way to self-promote that doesn't feel icky or boasty. Just use the way you'll tell your best friend what you're doing. It really is an extension of the job, and it will help you get more work."

With success in both the fiction and non-fiction realm, Gannon is now working, true to form, on a number of different side projects in addition to her podcast and day job.

"Maybe there's another novel (in my future), but I have another non-fiction book about self-sabotage out in September, too," she reveals. "I wrote Olive in secret, almost like an experiment. I don't necessarily want to leave non-fiction behind. I love that world far too much."

Olive by Emma Gannon, published by HarperCollins, 14.99

Read more:

'There's a real taboo': Emma Gannon's debut novel Olive explores the decision to be childfree - Belfast Telegraph

Trends: To have or not to have a baby childless author Emma Gannon is blazing a trail for choice – Metro Newspaper UK

AT THE age of 51, Jennifer Aniston is a wealthy movie star beloved by fans across the globe with an enviable jet-set lifestyle and a career she relishes. Why then, has she been portrayed for years as someone to be pitied because she hasnt cradled her own baby in her arms?

In a candid moment six years ago, Aniston told Allure magazine, I dont like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women that youve failed yourself as a female because you havent procreated.

Despite her status and celebrity, Aniston is far from alone. Her treatment reflects societys view that having a child is the right and valid thing to do and that, by implication, choosing not to is wrong.

So, kudos to Emma Gannon, best known for the Ctrl, Alt, Delete podcast and business book The Multi-Hyphen Method, for creating a titular character in her first novel, Olive, who doesnt want to be a mother by choice.

In 2018, the Office for National Statistics revealed 19 per cent of women whod reached 45 did not have children; a proportion thats doubled in a generation, so the books themes will no doubt resonate with many women whove been maligned because theyre not mothers.

Kim Cattrall [Samantha in Sex And The City] inspired me. I read an article where she said you must say childfree, not childless. Cattralls another woman who takes up a lot of space in the world but because shes not married or has children, people turn their nose up at her and I just think that needs to change, says Gannon, 31, whos known for a long time she doesnt see herself having children and was keen to find other women who felt the same.

I really dont have that formula in my head that having a child will make me feel complete. I feel complete and I just want women out there who feel the same to know that is valid. Its very different to someone who might be in pain because they havent had the child they always wanted. This is a choice. Maybe we just need to reframe what this strange definition of having it all actually means because I personally think I have it all, says Gannon, who studied English and film at Southampton University before moving to London and getting a job in a big shiny PR agency.

Its something she regards as invaluable given shes created her own brand out of a blog she started at 20 and was named one of Forbes 30 Under 30 in 2018.

Its never really appealed to me to follow the crowd. I didnt follow the one, two, three-step guide to a successful job, I made my own career, so Im OK with staying away from what people think is the norm. Im lucky I dont have any judgement from my parents or friends. Maybe there are women who find it harder to break away and feel judged, and for some people, saying, I dont want children is a bigger thing.

But when Gannon turned to social media to find those who felt the same way she discovered she was far from alone.

I tweeted I was looking for women who were childfree by choice and got about 200 replies in minutes and then my emails blew up and I realised my feelings were very much those of others. There was no sense of shame or victimisation. It wasnt poor us, it was more, were here and unapologetic about our life choices and can someone shine a light on us? I knew this was going to be my first novel.

The book is about four lifelong friends in their early 30s, Olive, Bea, Isla and Cec, who are facing the inevitable issue of motherhood, but in markedly different ways.

Olive thinks her friends are being selfish because all they talk about is their children. They think Olive is being selfish because shes quite rightly obsessed with her own feelings and break-up and then youve got Isla going through IVF and is incredibly self-absorbed, which she has every right to be because shes going through a traumatic time. They all have struggles, all make mistakes, and are all insensitive at times, says Gannon, who adds she isnt Olive, but writing this novel is the closest Ive got to expressing myself in the truest way.

And its through Olives experiences Gannon reflects the reality for many childfree women.

As part of her research, she asked the women about the most irksome remarks theyre subjected to.

It was the same across the board Whos going to look after you when youre old? Arent you scared youre going to be lonely? Wont you regret it? Dont you want to leave behind a legacy? It was scaremongering, says Gannon. Then theres the belief that childfree women are out partying every night without a care in the world.

Im getting married next year, and we stay home a lot. I love nesting. And Im not this person who has all this endless amount of time. I have other commitments. Thats something I really wanted to show in the book, that just because someone is childfree, theyre not gallivanting around town.

Gannon hopes her book will prompt honest conversation, and show theres nothing wrong with taking your time to make up your mind about what you want in your life.

A lot of women fall into having children because their mother and grandmother did and there are a lot of women out there who think, Hmm, I dont know whether I wouldve done this differently, and thats OK as well, she says.

I think were too quick to judge people for their decisions, even our friends sometimes. Were all just figuring out our own way, whatever path we choose.

Researchers predict the worlds population will peak at 9.7 billion around 2064, before falling down to 8.8 billion by the end of the century.

If the fertility rate falls below approximately 2.1, then the size of the population starts to fall.

The average number of children a woman gives birth to is falling, due to more women being in education and work, and more access to contraception. Researchers at the University of Washingtons Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation showed the global fertility rate nearly halved between 1950 and 2017.

The University of Washingtons study predicts that by 2100, the rate will fall below 1.7. With 23 nations including Spain, Portugal, South Korea and Japan expected to see populations halve by 2100.

I realised that so much of the pressure I was feeling was from outside sources and I knew I wasnt ready to take that step into motherhood Kim Cattrall

If I had kids, theyd hate me. Theyd end up on a show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it wouldve probably been them Oprah Winfrey

You have to really want to have kids and neither of us did Portia de Rossi

As a comic, always working and on the road, I have had to decide between motherhood and living my fullest life and I chose the latter Sarah Silverman

Motherhood has never been an ambition. I dont think like that Rene Zellweger

Having children was not my destiny, I kept thinking it would be, waiting for it to happen, but it never did and I didnt care what people thought Helen Mirren

Olive by Emma Gannon (HarperCollins) is out now

Continue reading here:

Trends: To have or not to have a baby childless author Emma Gannon is blazing a trail for choice - Metro Newspaper UK

Childfree – reddit

It's what my mother told me when I was obtaining an abortion at 19 which she believed could make me sterile. It was also in a letter my mother sent me when I was 31 and about to have my tubes tied, knowing motherhood was not for me. I kept that letter for 29 years. I am now 60 and I can say with certainty that I do not regret it.

Upon finding that letter again I called my mother to remind her of what she wrote. Since she wrote it, she has watched me live my life vibrantly without children, and came to understand that while her happiness came from motherhood, that was not the path I was destined to take. She hasn't always approved of my life choices, she doesn't understand why I reject monogamy, why I date women as well as men, why I became an activist, or why I still date at 60 for example. But she knows I am happy. She found it funny that she made that prediction, and we laughed about how wrong she was.

My life is wonderful. I have been so many places, loved so many people, had so many experiences, and I would not have done half the things I did if I had settled down with a nice man and had two-to-three children in a nice house in the suburbs. For you younger folks who've heard "you'll regret it when you're older" enough times to make you doubt yourself, remember that this old lady has been hearing "you'll regret it" since 1979, and still doesn't regret it in 2020.

Read more:

Childfree - reddit

Voluntary childlessness – Wikipedia

This article is about the choice not to have children. For the inability to have children despite one's desire to have them, see Childlessness Involuntary.

Lifelong voluntary choice to not have children

Voluntary childlessness, also described by some as being childfree, is the voluntary choice to not have children.

In most societies and for most of human history, choosing not to have children was both difficult and undesirable. The availability of reliable contraception along with support provided in old age by one's government rather than one's family has made childlessness an option for people in some, though they may be looked down upon in certain communities.

The usage of the term "childfree" to describe people who choose not to have children was coined in the English language late in the 20th century.[1] The meaning of the term "childfree" extends to encompass the children of others (in addition to one's own children) and this distinguishes it further from the more usual term "childless", which is traditionally used to express the idea of having no children, whether by choice or by circumstance.[2] The term 'child free' has been cited in Australian literature to refer to parents who are without children at the current time. This may be due to them living elsewhere on a permanent basis or a short-term solution such as childcare.[3]

Supporters of living childfree (e.g. Corinne Maier, French author of "No Kids: 40 Reasons For Not Having Children") cite various reasons[4] for their view:[5][6][7][8][9]

According to economist David Foot of the University of Toronto, the level of a woman's education is the most important factor in determining whether she will reproduce: the higher her level of education, the less likely she is to bear children (or if she does, the fewer children she is likely to have). Overall, researchers have observed childless couples to be more educated,[citation needed] and it is perhaps because of this that they are more likely to be employed in professional and management occupations, more likely for both spouses to earn relatively high incomes, and to live in urban areas. They are also less likely to be religious, subscribe to traditional gender roles, or subscribe to conventional roles.[21]

Worldwide, higher educated women are statistically more often choosing voluntary childlessness.[7] Waren and Pals (2013) found that voluntary childlessness in the United States was more common among higher educated women but not higher educated men.[9] In Europe, childlessness among women aged 4044 is most common in Austria, Spain and the United Kingdom (in 2010-2011).[22] Among surveyed countries, childlessness was least common across Eastern European countries,[22] although one child families are very common there.[citation needed]

Research into both voluntary and involuntary childlessness and parenthood has long focused on women's experiences, and men's perspectives are often overlooked.[9]

In March 2020, Quest reported that research had shown that, in Belgium, 11% of women and 16% of men between the ages of 25 and 35 did not want children.[7]

According to research by Statistics Netherlands from 2004, 6 in 10 childless women are voluntarily childless.[10] It showed a correlation between higher levels of education of women and the choice to be childfree, and the fact that women had been receiving better education in the preceding decades was a factor why an increasing number of women chose childfreedom.[10] The two most important reasons for choosing not to have children were that it would infringe on their freedom and that raising children takes too much time and energy; many women who gave the second reason also gave the first.[10] A 2016 report from Statistics Netherlands confirmed those numbers: 20% of Dutch women was childless, of whom 60% voluntarily, so that 12% of all Dutch women could be considered childfree.[5]

In March 2017, Trouw reported that new a Statistics Netherlands report showed that 22% of higher educated 45-year-old men were childless and 33% of lower educated 45-year-old men were childless. Childlessness amongst the latter was increasing, even though most of them were involuntarily childless. The number of voluntarily childless people amongst higher educated men had been increasing since the 1960s, whilst voluntary childlessness amongst lower educated men (who tended to have been raised more traditionally) did not become a rising trend until the 2010s.[23]

In March 2020, Quest reported that research from Trouw and Statistics Netherlands had shown that 10% of 30-year-old Dutch women questioned had not gotten children out of her own choice, and did not expect to get any children anymore either; furthermore, 8.5% of 45-year-old women questioned and 5.5% of 60-year-old women questioned stated that they had consciously remained childless.[7]

According to a 2019 study amongst 191 Swedish men aged 20 to 50, 39 were not fathers and did not want to have children in the future either (20.4%). Desire to have (more) children was not related to level of education, country of birth, sexual orientation or relationship status.[9]

Some Swedish men 'passively' choose not to have children as they feel their life is already good as it is, adding children is not necessary, and they do not have to counter the same amount of social pressure to have children as childfree women do.[9]

Being a childfree, American adult was considered unusual in the 1950s.[24][25] However, the proportion of childfree adults in the population has increased significantly since then. A 2006 study by Abma and Martinez found that American women aged 35 to 44 who were voluntarily childless constituted 5% of all U.S. women in 1982, 8% in 1988, 9% in 1995 and 7% in 2002. These women had the highest income, prior work experience and the lowest religiosity compared to other women.[26] The National Center of Health Statistics confirms that the percentage of American women of childbearing age who define themselves as childfree (or voluntarily childless) rose sharply in the 1990sfrom 2.4 percent in 1982 to 4.3 percent in 1990 to 6.6 percent in 1995.[citation needed]

From 2007 to 2011 the fertility rate in the U.S. declined 9%, the Pew Research Center reporting in 2010 that the birth rate was the lowest in U.S. history and that childlessness rose across all racial and ethnic groups to about 1 in 5 versus 1 in 10 in the 1970s; it did not say which percentage of childless Americans were so voluntarily, but Time claimed that, despite persisting discrimination against especially women who chose to remain childless, acceptance of being childfree was gradually increasing.[27]

Among women aged 3544, the chance of being childless was far greater for never-married (82.5%) than for married women (12.9%). When the same group is analyzed by education level, increasing education correlates with increasing childlessness: non-H.S. graduate (13.5%), H.S. graduate (14.3%), Some College no degree (24.7%), Associate Degree (11.4%), Bachelor's degree (18.2%) and Graduate or Professional degree (27.6%).[28][29]

While younger women are more likely to be childfree, older women are more likely to state that they intend to remain childfree in the future.[citation needed] It has also been suggested through research that married individuals who were concerned about the stability of their marriages were more likely to remain childless.[citation needed] However, some women report that lack of financial resources was a reason why they decided to remain childless.[citation needed] Childless women in the developed world often express the view that women ultimately have to make a choice between motherhood and having a career.[citation needed]

Most societies place a high value on parenthood in adult life, so that people who remain childfree are sometimes stereotyped as being "individualistic" people who avoid social responsibility and are less prepared to commit themselves to helping others.[31] However, certain groups believe that being childfree is beneficial. With the advent of environmentalism and concerns for stewardship, those choosing to not have children are also sometimes recognized as helping reduce our impact, such as members of the voluntary human extinction movement. Some childfree are sometimes lauded on moral grounds, such as members of philosophical or religious groups, like the Shakers.[citation needed]

There are three broad areas of criticism regarding childfreeness, based upon socio-political, feminist or religious reasons.[citation needed] There are also considerations relating to personal philosophy and social roles.[citation needed]

Feminist author Daphne DeMarneffe links larger feminist issues to both the devaluation of motherhood in contemporary society, as well as the delegitimization of "maternal desire" and pleasure in motherhood.[32] In third-wave handbook Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future, authors Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards explore the concept of third-wave feminists reclaiming "girlie" culture, along with reasons why women of Baby Boomer and Generation X ages may reject motherhood because, at a young and impressionable age, they witnessed their own mothers being devalued by society and family.[33]

On the other hand, in "The Bust Guide to the New Girl Order"[34] and in Utne Reader magazine, third-wave feminist writer Tiffany Lee Brown described the joys and freedoms of childfree living, freedoms such as travel previously associated with males in Western culture. In "Motherhood Lite," she celebrates being an aunt, co-parent, or family friend over the idea of being a mother.[35]

Some believe that overpopulation is a serious problem and some question the fairness of what they feel amount to subsidies for having children, such as the Earned Income Tax Credit (US), free K12 education paid for by all taxpayers, family medical leave, and other such programs.[36]Others, however, do not believe overpopulation to be a problem in itself; regarding such problems as overcrowding, global warming, and straining food supplies to be problems of public policy and/or technology.[37]

Some have argued that this sort of conscientiousness is self-eliminating (assuming it is heritable), so by avoiding reproduction for ethical reasons the childfree will only aid deterioration of concern for the environment and future generations.[38]

Some regard governmental or employer-based incentives offered only to parentssuch as a per-child income tax credit, preferential absence planning, employment legislation, or special facilitiesas intrinsically discriminatory, arguing for their removal, reduction, or the formation of a corresponding system of matching incentives for other categories of social relationships. Childfree advocates argue that other forms of caregiving have historically not been considered equalthat "only babies count"and that this is an outdated idea that is in need of revision. Caring for sick, disabled, or elderly dependents entails significant financial and emotional costs but is not currently subsidized in the same manner. This commitment has traditionally and increasingly fallen largely on women, contributing to the feminization of poverty in the U.S.[39]

The focus on personal acceptance is mirrored in much of the literature surrounding choosing not to reproduce. Many early books were grounded in feminist theory and largely sought to dispel the idea that womanhood and motherhood were necessarily the same thing, arguing, for example, that childfree people face not only social discrimination but political discrimination as well.[36]

Abrahamic religions such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, as well as Hinduism place a high value on children and their central place in marriage.[citation needed] In numerous works, including an Apostolic letter written in 1988,[40] Pope John Paul II has set forth the Roman Catholic emphasis on the role of children in family life. However, the Catholic Church also stresses the value of chastity in the non-married state of life and so approves of nominally childfree ways of life for the single.[citation needed]

There are, however, some debates within religious groups about whether a childfree lifestyle is acceptable. Another view, for example, is that the biblical text Gen. 1:28 "Be fruitful and multiply", is really not a command but a blessing formula and that while there are many factors to consider as far as people's motives for remaining childless, there are many valid reasons, including dedicating one's time to demanding but good causes, why Christians may choose to remain childless for a short time or a lifetime.[41] Matthew 19:12 describes Jesus as listing three types of eunuchs including one type who chooses it intentionally, noting that whoever is willing to become one, should.[citation needed]

Brian Tomasik cites ethical reasons for people to remain childfree. Also, they will have more time to focus on themselves, which will allow for greater creativity and the exploration of personal ambitions. In this way, they may benefit themselves and society more than if they had a child.[42]

Some opponents of the childfree choice consider such a choice to be selfish. The rationale of this position is the assertion that raising children is a very important activity and so not engaging in this activity must therefore mean living one's life in service to one's self. The value judgment behind this idea is that individuals should endeavor to make some kind of meaningful contribution to the world, but also that the best way to make such a contribution is to have children. For some people, one or both of these assumptions may be true, but others prefer to direct their time, energy, and talents elsewhere, in many cases toward improving the world that today's children occupy (and that future generations will inherit).[43]

Proponents of childfreedom posit that choosing not to have children is no more or less selfish than choosing to have children. Choosing to have children may be the more selfish choice, especially when poor parenting risks creating many long term problems for both the children themselves and society at large.[44] As philosopher David Benatar[45] explains, at the heart of the decision to bring a child into the world often lies the parents' own desires (to enjoy child-rearing or perpetuate one's legacy/genes), rather than the potential person's interests. At the very least, Benatar believes this illustrates why a childfree person may be just as altruistic as any parent.[citation needed]

There is also the question as to whether having children really is such a positive contribution to the world in an age when there are many concerns about overpopulation, pollution and depletion of non-renewable resources. Some critics counter that such analyses of having children may understate its potential benefits to society (e.g. a greater labor force, which may provide greater opportunity to solve social problems) and overstate the costs. That is, there is often a need for a non-zero birth rate.[46]

People, especially women, who express the fact that they have voluntarily chosen to remain childless, are frequently subjected to several different forms of discrimination.[20] The decision not to have children has been variously attributed to insanity or derided as 'unnatural', and frequently childfree people are subjected to unsolicited questioning by friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers who attempt to force them to justify and change their decision.[20][6][9] Some consciouslessly childless women have been told that their purpose in life was to get children based on the fact that they were born with a womb (created by God).[20] Some British childfree women have compared their experiences of coming out as childfree to coming out as gay in the mid-20th century.[20] Some Canadian women preferred not to express their decision to remain childless for fear of encountering social pressure to change their decision.[20] Some women are told to first have a child before being able to properly decide that they don't want one.[20] Some parents try to pressure their children into producing grandchildren and threaten to or actually disown them if they don't.[20][8] Some childfree women are told they would make good mothers, or just 'haven't met the right man yet', are assumed to be infertile rather than having made a conscious decision not to make use of their fertility (whether applicable or not).[20] Some childfree people are accused of hating all children instead of just not wanting any themselves and still being able to help people who do have children with things like babysitting.[20][8]

It has also been claimed that there is a taboo on discussing the negative aspects of pregnancy, and a taboo on parents to express regret that they chose to have children, which makes it harder for childfree people to defend their decision not to have them.[8]

Social attitudes about voluntarily childlessness have been slowly changing from condemnation and pathologisation in the 1970s towards more acceptance by the 2010s.[9]

Childfree individuals do not necessarily share a unified political or economic philosophy, and most prominent childfree organizations tend to be social in nature. Childfree social groups first emerged in the 1970s and 1980s, most notable among them the National Alliance for Optional Parenthood and No Kidding! in North America where numerous books have been written about childfree people and where a range of social positions related to childfree interests have developed along with political and social activism in support of these interests. The term "childfree" was used in a July 3, 1972 Time article on the creation of the National Organization for Non-Parents.[47] It was revived in the 1990s when Leslie Lafayette formed a later childfree group, the Childfree Network.[48]

The National Organization for Non-Parents (N.O.N.) was established in Palo Alto, California by Ellen Peck and Shirley Radl in 1972. N.O.N. was formed to advance the notion that men and women could choose not to have childrento be childfree. Changing its name to the National Alliance for Optional Parenthood, it continued into the early 1980s both as a support group for those making the decision to be childfree and an advocacy group fighting pronatalism (attitudes/advertising/etc. promoting or glorifying parenthood). According to its bylaws, the purpose of the National Alliance for Optional Parenthood was to educate the public on non-parenthood as a valid lifestyle option, support those who choose not to have children, promote awareness of the overpopulation problem, and assist other groups that advanced the goals of the organization. N.O.N.'s offices were located in Reisterstown, Maryland; then Baltimore; and ultimately in Washington, D.C. N.O.N. designated August 1 as Non-Parents' Day. Just as people with children come from all shades of the political spectrum and temper their beliefs accordingly, so do the childfree. For example, while some childfree people think of government welfare to parents as "lifestyle subsidies," others accept the need to assist such individuals but think that their lifestyle should be equally compensated. Still others accept the need to help out such individuals and also do not ask for subsidies of their own.[citation needed]

There are suggestions of an emergence of political cohesion, for example an Australian Childfree Party (ACFP) proposed in Australia as a childfree political party, promoting the childfree lifestyle as opposed to the family lifestyle.[citation needed] Increasing politicization and media interest has led to the emergence of a second wave of childfree organizations that are openly political in their raisons d'tre, with a number of attempts to mobilize political pressure groups in the U.S. The first organization to emerge was British, known as Kidding Aside.

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Voluntary childlessness - Wikipedia

This Is What No One Tells You About Being Child-Free In …

Years ago, at a crowded happy hour after work, my friend pointed out a man with his kid on his shoulders. Why would you bring a baby to a bar? my friend marveled.

Yeah, I said. Why would you have a baby?

This got the laugh I wanted it to. My single friends were in their late twenties, and kids were what seemed like they were impossibly far in the future. I was in my early 30s but pretty recently divorced and beginning to think I didnt want children certainly not then, but also maybe not ever.

Still, the ticking of my biological clock eventually got loud enough to hear over the salsa music I danced to several times a week. Between the ages of 41 and 43, I sort of tried to get pregnant with my boyfriend, Inti. Beyond choosing a suitable father and plucking out my IUD, I didnt do much. No OB-GYN visits other than my annual exam. No thermometer, no ovulation-monitoring app. For a while I tracked my cycle informally, raised an eyebrow at Inti once a month, and stuck my legs in the air after sex. But a year went by, and my period was so regular I never even had to open the pregnancy test package.

Sounds sad, doesnt it? It is but only sort of. If it were deeply sad, if I were the kind of woman who felt truly incomplete without a child, I would have handled it differently.

My friends who wanted kids (and didnt come by them the usual way) did the things you do when that happens and you have money. These friends, married and single and mostly younger than I am, took hormones, had fibroids removed, did IVF. They interviewed potential egg and/or sperm donors, chose a donor. They looked into adoption, adopted. In the last few years, one way or another, they all had children.

And so, they tell me, could I. But Im not trying to anymore and I dont want to take the heroic measures they took, and I cant quite articulate why except to conclude I must not want kids enough.

I find no role model or path to help me navigate this. I didnt do everything I could to be a mother, but I still grieve motherhood. I dread the baby shower, anticipate the sorrow Ill feel on that first new-baby visit. Its hard because I did want kids, so Im envious, but its also hard because my friends departure into parenthood feels like betrayal. Yes, betrayal.

All those child-free years we had together feel forsaken. That freedom to hit the salsa club on a weeknight, those casual text invitations to same-day happy hours. All that time I was valuing that lifestyle, cherishing it and my friends in it, what was it to them, that they can so decisively change it? I know, I know; were in that stage of life. Now theyre moving on. No one promised me to stay child-free forever.

Fair enough. But somehow I thought all along we would keep comparing notes from the opposite sides of our different life choices.

When your friends move into parenthood and you dont, theres no map for the terrain you move into instead. They stop coming to your cocktail parties (Couldnt find a sitter, sorry). They invite you to their gatherings, which arent fun for you, overrun as they are by kids you might like and find adorable and entertaining in the short-term but whom you dont love, not the way you love your friends themselves. The gatherings contain no stretches of time long enough for meaningful conversation.

As parents, you understand this new reality. You roll your eyes, but you get it: This is life now. But when your kids take you away from me, I resent it. I just do. I know theyre brilliant and beautiful, but theyre children. I like you not these demanding small people.

Its socially acceptable for parents to complain about parenthood. They are allowed to lament their lost freedom. They are allowed to say how wrecked they are, how busy, how sleep-deprived. They can bemoan the chaotic state of their households and blame it on their kids. And then as if to assuage any guilt they are allowed to say they wouldnt trade it for anything, to say how happy and sparkly their messes are, how precious.

On the child-free side, its socially less acceptable to gloat about our European vacations, our restful evenings at home, our tidy living rooms with breakable items on low coffee tables. If we do enthuse about an activity we know our parent friends can no longer participate in, we are achingly aware of their side-eye, their evaluation of us as delusional for attempting to find meaning in these nonfamilial pursuits. Sure, they might outwardly envy our freedom what mom wouldnt love a break from her kids to spend a week on a beach? But how can such hedonism possibly measure up to the miracle that is motherhood? The precious, joy-producing person who is her son?

Its obviously no contest particularly because every parent once didnt have kids, and no childfree-by-(mostly)-choice person ever did thats the trump card every parent carries: He can compare it, he has tried both options, and we all know that no matter how bitterly a parent will complain, he would never, ever, EVER trade in his child for anything.

Except I still dont want kids badly enough to take heroic measures. I dont care how worth it you say it is and I dont care how cute and smart and squishy your baby is. From here, parenthood still looks mostly like a drag. Its hard to pretend that I dont find it alien and baffling. My life is vastly different and its different because I (mostly) want it that way. I actively enjoy not having kids. A lot. Im living the freewheeling, adventuresome life responsible parents must wait 18 years to return to.

And Im deeply engaged in the pursuit of my passions: chasing my freelance writer dream, building a writing-coaching business, spending all the time it takes to make my memoir meaningful. Passing uninterrupted evenings at home, reading on the sofa with the lighting just so, the tea steeping on the coaster, the boyfriend busy at the computer.

So whats a middle-aged, childless woman to do when her best friends become mothers and fathers? And whats a new parent to do about his childless friend? The one who still throws out last-minute happy hour invitations, the one who wants one-on-one time only, the one who doesnt offer to babysit?

Were all grownups: We can stay friends through major life changes, we can roll with lifes punches. Im getting used to my smaller role in my parent friends lives. Im spending more time with my childfree or part-time (divorced) parent friends.

Its been about three years since I basically gave up on motherhood, and although Inti and I are not actively preventing conception, I no longer slump when my period comes each month to remind me, yet again, of my not-pregnant status. At 46, I know my odds. Once in a while, maybe at a nephews first birthday party or after an evening of cuddling and giggling with my best friends baby, grief and hollowness clasp on and threaten to never let me go. Im so afraid one day Ill regret my choice.

I regret it now. I dont regret it. Its complicated.

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This Is What No One Tells You About Being Child-Free In ...

Choosing to Be Childfree Doesn’t Mean You Dislike Kids | Time

Recently I was having coffee with a friend whose kids had just graduated from high school. She talked about how excited she was for them, one of whom is entering a program to pursue acting and the other who is launching a career in music. I shared in my friends excitement, noting how impressed Ive been by their performances in our community. Wed been talking about them for no longer than five minutes when she gasped, Oh my god! You just wrote a whole book about not liking kids, and here I am talking about mine.

As a childfree person who also studies the experiences of non-parents, I hear versions of this comment a lot. In this case, it was polite and well-meaning. In others, its less so. But however its presented, its a reflection of a common misconception about people who choose not have kids: that because we dont have them, we must not like them.

In researching my book Childfree by Choice, I interviewed 70 people who made the same decision, asking them both about their reasons for forgoing parenthood and the other relationships in their lives. Most of them told me they have at least some connection with children. Some even said that their relationships with children are special precisely because they dont have children of their own.

Like more than a quarter of the people I interviewed, Susan, a 53-year-old camp director, intentionally sought out a career path that would require her to interact with and be involved in childrens lives. Her mission was to become an advocate for kids, focused on securing a better future for other peoples children without having the potential distraction of being pulled away from that goal by having her own. There are so many children who are already in this world who need our love and attention, she said. This is more important than bringing our own children into it. I heard similar sentiments from teachers, therapists, social workers, pediatricians and police officers.

Of course you dont have to dedicate your career to children to have a meaningful effect on their lives. As the only childfree couple among their friends, Jack and Kim enjoy being able to provide occasional relief to the parents in their peer group. We all have this sort of joke that our house is called Summer Camp, Jack said. As the couple without kids, sometimes we have more of an ability to play with their kids than other couples the kids can see us as a bigger, older friend.

Other childfree people provide financial support for the children in their lives. Annette, a professor, has helped friends with expenses for their kids. As she said, I care for them emotionally, of course, but also financially. Anything I can do to help them and their parents, Im glad to do it. One 2012 study found that PANKS (Professional Aunts No Kids) spent an average of $387 on the children in their lives in the past year. Another, conducted in Finland, found that women without children invest more in their siblings kids than women with children of their own invest.

These roles matter. Research on the impact of non-parental adult mentors shows that having caring adults who are not their parents involved in their lives improves youths self-esteem. Adults benefit, too. The childfree people I interviewed said that their relationships with kids provide fulfillment and a sense that they are contributing to a greater good. One study found that while aunts and uncles offer their nieces and nephews advice in dealing with family members as well as other support, it works the other way too. Participants also reported that they formed a friendship with these family members based on shared interests.

Its true that some childfree people do prefer the company of adults over children, and certainly we should be glad that adults who arent fans of kids arent having kids. And no one should have to justify their choice to not be a parent by professing their love and adoration of children. Some people want to be parents, some are driven by something else their marriage, their career, travel, animal rescue, environmental activism. Often, though, the way they spend their time and the role they play in their communities and beyond helps make the world a better place for the kids growing up in it.

We hear proclamations all the time that it takes a village to raise a child, and childfree people too are an important part of that village.

Contact us at editors@time.com.

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Choosing to Be Childfree Doesn't Mean You Dislike Kids | Time

10 Women Look Back On Living Childfree By Choice | SELF

More women than ever in the U.S. are making the choice to remain childfreeor not making the choice to have children, depending on how you want to look at it. Whatever their reasonswhether they be financial, related to health and lifestyle considerations, or quite simply never feeling the maternal instinctit is clear that many are still questioned about their decision and are often told that they will change their minds or regret it when they are older. There's no crystal ball that can let a woman look into the future and know if any of these (usually unsolicited) warnings will turn out to be true. But there is the clarity of hindsight. We talked to 10 women, now past childbearing age, about their decision not to have children to help inform and support younger women making a similar choice.

1. "Every time I hear about people's problems with their children, I think I dodged a bullet."

"I can't remember ever wanting kids, except maybe as a preschooler. My mother and stepmother both acted as if child rearing was tantamount to roasting in hell. (My stepmother also battered and psychologically mistreated me. I've heard that that often dissuades women from wanting children.) It helped that my now-husband was adamantly anti-kid. I might have allowed myself to be swayed otherwise. My mom is disappointed. People may say I'm selfish. They'd be right! I would so resent caring for children.

Every time I hear about people's problems with their children, I think, I dodged a bullet. I worry occasionally about finding myself alone in a big indifferent world, but I also know that children can be the ones who put you in a facility against your will, steal from you, or otherwise break your heart. No regrets so far. Interestingly, though, I often daydream about step or foster children. I guess I feel as if I have a lot of hard-won wisdom to share, if anyone wanted to hear it"Christie L., 52

2. "There's always a bit of a 'what if?'"

"I have a very clear memory of babysitting when I was about 12 and thinking, this isn't going to be my life. My first husband and I were married when we were 22 and I was very intent on having a career as a journalist and traveling a lot. We agreed to delay the decision about children until we were 30. We wound up getting divorced before that deadline so I don't know what would have happened had we stayed together. I was married twice more, and during my last marriage, my husband convinced me to at least try to get pregnant. I was 37 and very conflicted. I did actually get pregnant, but then had a miscarriage. He blamed me and the marriage never recovered.

Though I sometimes had fantasies of having a mini-me that I could take around the world with me, I didn't want it enough to make it happen. I actually do love children, and have been very close to my friends' kids and I have a niece my sister adopted from China with whom I'm very close (particularly since my sister, a single mother, died five years ago, so I'm the 'parental alternative' as I say).

Every time I go to a special eventbar mitzvah, wedding, etc.of my friends' kids I have a twinge that I'll never have that experience. On the other hand, I have friends whose children have been killed, committed suicide, have emotional problems, or just completely ignore them, and I realize that's a never-ending source of agony that I don't think I would have been prepared to deal with. Most of the time I am comfortable with how things have turned out....There's always a bit of a what if? but I think that's true of almost anything in life"Carol S., 67

3. "Seven decades of feminist activism have enabled us to challenge many long-accepted, limiting roles for women."

"I never had a strong urge to be a mother.Perhaps the reason is that I was the youngest of four children and had little experience with babies. A decision point came when I married a man who, because of his troubled family history, was opposed to fathering a child. I honored that decision, as we both agreed that the world did not need another mouth to feed. That marriage lasted only three years, which only confirmed the wisdom of my decision.

Read more:

10 Women Look Back On Living Childfree By Choice | SELF

Why arent millennials having kids? 8 insights into the …

Parenthood was once thought to be inevitable a destiny for healthy fertile adults.

No more. Many people are opting out, a life choice that still provokes debate.

The number of babies born in the U.S. last year fell to the lowest level in 32 years, with younger women especially having fewer kids. Americans are now having fewer children than it takes to replace the population, a trend mirrored in other countries.

It doesnt surprise Amy Blackstone, a sociology professor at the University of Maine and author of the new book, Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence.

She and her husband Lance decided not to have children years ago after simply not feeling the pull towards parenthood. They check in with each other every year to make sure theyre still both on board about opting out. Famous women who've also made the choice include Ina Garten, Cameron Diaz and Helen Mirren.

For her book, Blackstone interviewed 70 child-free men and women and surveyed more than 700 about their experiences. She found women still feel the brunt of the stigma.

Men sort of get a pat on the back and theres more joking about, Arent you lucky that you dodged this bullet? Blackstone, 47, told TODAY.

Whereas for women, its the, Oh, you poor thing, I cant believe youre missing out on the most meaningful experience that a woman can have. You must be so sad and lonely.

Here are eight more of her findings:

Blackstone: The cost of living and having a baby we know thats a particularly difficult issue for millennials who are facing all kinds of college debt. Certainly, having a child has an impact on the environment and I know thats a reason that millennials have shared for their choice.

Trending stories,celebrity news and all the best of TODAY.

Other top reasons include the desire for autonomy, spontaneity, freedom and the ability to travel.

Blackstone: This quote from a 44-year-old married woman resonated for me: I worry that if I had a child Id become a terrible partner because Id be so focused on being a good parent.

This doesnt mean child-free people necessarily have perfect relationships or better relationships than parents. But in my own case, I do recognize that I would be giving something up in terms of my ability to feel close with my partner and nurture that relationship.

Blackstone: In 2015, Pope Francis said, The choice to not have children is selfish.

If were going to put that label on the child-free, then its a label that needs to be shared across any group of people whove made a choice about the life that they know is right for them.

But isnt that what were all doing? Even parents, if you ask them why they had children, would tell you that they wanted kids because thats the life that they envisioned for themselves.

Alternatively, we can choose to abandon the selfish label and decide its OK for people to make a life choice that is best for them, whether that be parenthood or non-parenthood. Maybe neither choice is selfish.

Theres an impression that child-free people dont give back, or arent giving to their communities or making a difference in the world. Frankly, nothing could be further from the truth. We know from research that the child-free are involved in their communities theyre about as likely as parents to volunteer.

Blackstone: A quarter of the child-free people I interviewed actually chose careers that require them to be involved and make a difference in childrens lives. Many of them are teachers, social workers, pediatricians. There are all kinds of ways the child-free are engaged in kids lives and made a choice to do that.

Some child-free people dont like children and in that case, the last thing we want to do is push them into becoming parents.

Blackstone: I have not talked with anyone who feels regret about their choice.

I have had family members who I know have been worried for me, but we should accept when people tell us they dont want to have children. Parenthood is a role that is best fulfilled when its one thats chosen. It takes a lot to be a good parent so if somebody doesnt feel that pull, thats perfectly OK.

Blackstone: When people say we are missing out on something, thats absolutely true. But I would also turn it around and say its possible that parents are missing out on some aspects of the lives that child-free people enjoy. We cant do it all its impossible to have every life experience.

So yes, we will miss some experiences, but I dont think that because that is true, that it necessarily follows were unhappy. Im very happy with my decision. My husband and I have a life that we love.

Blackstone: These are questions that we all should be thinking about as we age, whether we have children or not.

In terms of the child-free, many have been creating a nest egg to help them be able to provide for themselves in their old age. And were seeing more and more examples of The Golden Girls-style living where older adults are sharing households with each other.

Its a mistake to assume having children means one will have a person to care for them in their old age. Not every adult child cares for their aging parents, research shows.

Blackstone: I would love it if we came to understand that the child-free have families. I count my husband and me as a family.

Child-free families fulfill the same functions that families with children do. We create households as a safe space that provides an emotional connection and an opportunity to recharge. We engage in social reproduction, which involves anything that people do to help rear the next generation. For the child-free, that means being mentors and friends to children.

A. Pawlowski is a TODAY contributing editor focusing on health news and features. Previously, she was a writer, producer and editor at CNN.

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Why arent millennials having kids? 8 insights into the ...